eva’s world interview.

knowhen-badge_featured (4)

I am excited to share an interview that I recently did for Eva’s World, a fertility community striving to help those who are trying to conceive. Eva’s World features some wonderful resources and stories and I am honored to be able to share a bit about our journey, some resources I suggest, as well as how I incorporate my faith in it all. I would love for you to head on over and check it out!

Direct link to my post: Infertility Will Never Win Over Her Faith

Also, if you want to check out some of the other TTC stories shared, click here for a great list!

I hope all have a great week! I am so thankful for all the encouragement that came my way last week – you all are a gigantic blessing to my heart! This will be a great week, I can feel it already!



in the clouds.

While in Hawaii a few months ago, we traveled the Waimea Canyon, stopping throughout the winding roads, walking to lookouts and rest stops. The views were spectacular, evident that there not only is a God, but that He is a powerful artist. One stop in particular stands out though and that’s because when we arrived, we were in a cloud.

As we stood at the top of the cliff, we were surrounded in white, a surreal mist-like feeling wrapped around us and we struggled to see through it. We could tell from our surroundings that there were beautiful mountains and a beach on the other side, but from where we stood, we just saw traces of color and this white fog.

I feel like I am back on that mountain again, wrapped in a cloud, unable to see the other side, slightly blind, completely helpless. And instead of the cloud rolling out, as it began to in Kauai, the cloud just seems to be getting thicker.

The doctor confirmed today what we already knew, another failed cycle, a big fat negative, more dreams snatched away. We didn’t even tell anyone we were cycling, my strength was depleted, my words few, my body exhausted. The thought of being asked one question about it, let alone having to answer it made me feel anxious and drained. So instead, we partnered up with the Lord and endured what we prayed would be a successful cycle.

And now, here I sit, not pregnant, waiting for the bleeding to start, with a stomach covered with the most massive bruises I have yet to see, colorfully reminding me in a sea of black, blue, yellow and purple that this didn’t work. And here in the cloud I sit.

I prayed walking into the appointment this morning that the blood draw would go smoothly and instead, was met with 4 painful needle sticks in order to find a vein that could produce any blood. “Your veins in your arms have formed scar tissue from overusage.”, the first nurse explained. I felt like I returned the statement with a numb smile, knowing all too well how much these arms of mine have been used for blood work.

I don’t have the strength to be angry, it’s an emotion far too exhausting. I just feel a weariness that is indescribable. People try to relate, but no one can really understand until you have been here. My heart feels battered – 6+ years of trying, 13 or 14 medicated cycles, countless IUI’s, 4 IVF cycles, 3 miscarriages, unending baby showers, newborn hospital visits, meals cooked, photos looked at on facebook and instagram, first birthday parties attended – all have taken its toll on the capacity I can hold. I. Am. So. Tired.

My friend Candice texted me last night and said “Sometimes it’s so hard to understand the story He’s asked us to receive…” and it all clicked for me. I am so tired of this being my story. I don’t want to receive it anymore. I want God to remove this burden of motherhood from my heart, to change the genre of books in my library, to reroute everything. This isn’t me! I don’t think like this, I can usually see the silver lining, but this week just seems a little harder.

And yet, as I was driving today, thinking about how I felt like I was stuck in this cloudy mountain, this chapter (Psalm 121) came to mind, spoken straight from His Spirit to mine:

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you—

the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—

he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

With the simple words of “I lift my eyes up to the mountains”, I was reminded that there is something above the clouds, I just have to look up. Right now it seems that I am searching in a fog for my surroundings, but instead, God is there, reminding me that He watches over me, that none of this has escaped His sight and that there is a break from the clouds slightly above me head.

My help is not rooted in me or my capabilities to see the beach from where I stand. My Help is rooted in the one who stands above the mountains, who formed the clouds, who parts the skies and who has never left my side, even when life’s circumstances weigh on me.

In a Bible study I am doing this summer, I read these words: “God gives power to the faint. Admitting weakness gives way to God’s strength. Courage is not the absence of fear but the presence of faith despite fear.”

Did you need to hear that as much as I did? How many of you are standing with me in the cloud, feeling a little lost, a little overwhelmed and desperate for your story to change? Can I encourage both of us today to remember that “He who watches over you will not slumber.”? Even in the moments where is feels like all He is doing is slumbering, can we stand together in faith, believing that He is true to His word? That regardless of how we feel, feelings can’t be trusted, only He can be trusted.

To those surrounding me, can I ask (beg) you not to talk about this failed cycle with me? I am doing everything I can to gather my strength to make it through the next few days as the reminder of this failure pummels me physically. I don’t know if my heart can handle a sympathy text or “how are you?” question. (And if you do, then I will feel obligated to reply and I just don’t have it in me.) Please, just pray. If you are looking for a way to help, the greatest thing would be to join my heart in petitioning to the Lord that He allows these clouds to pass by quickly. He is faithful, even when it is hard to see. I am firmly believing that He will replenish my soul, hopefully sooner rather than later. I’m praying for you too.


(Update: everything in me wants to yank this vulnerable post off this blog and archive it away from the public eyes. But I pray that God can use it to touch just one person reading today … If its you, it’s worth it.)



One rainy day, not too long ago, I sat on my front stoop as Cali took a potty break. The rain had been coming down all day and the skies were a dreary color gray. As I sat on my steps, I glanced over at the flowers sitting on a pot to my right. They looked like they had weathered a storm and they had. The rain had let up for a bit, hence my outside sitting, but it was clear that they had been roughed up with some heavy drops earlier in the day.

And I thought, “Isn’t that how life feels? But what’s that they always say? After the storm comes the sun?”

It was a nice, feel-good moment.

And then I thought, what a crappy cliché that is.

No, really, I actually have decided I strongly dislike that saying. What an annoying bandaid statement to throw at someone when they are being beat down. Well just wait, the sun will shine soon!

I mean, it’s true for my flowers last week. The next day it was sunny and they clearly appreciated the extra watering, standing taller and prouder than ever. And I could sit here and write to you about how our life is like that – we weather the storm and it’s for our good, blah blah blah.

But as I sat there looking at these flowers, I thought about the flowers in Seattle. Those flowers don’t see a whole lot of sun. In fact, they have a lot of gray skies. Or Antarctica. The flowers can’t even survive there because of the elements.

It made me realize that for some people reading this, you are a pot of flowers in Seattle and the rainy season in your life is long and hard. The drops hit you hard and your stems break and it feels like it’s never going to stop. And you know what, it may not. And that sucks and I empathize so greatly with you.

And for others of you, you’re a pot of flowers in San Diego and life is just about perfect. (Well, let’s pretend there’s not a drought going on.) But the rainy days are few, the sun is bright and you seem to have a constant bloom happening. And that is awesome, what a gift you have been given!

The reality is we can’t control the weather just like we can’t always control our circumstances. We may not know when the sun is going to come out next and we might be hanging on for dear life for just one more day. But as corny as this sounds, you’re still alive. Every day you wake up, you have another chance to live a day where the rain might stop, the clouds might part and the sun will shine on you.

For me, it’s worth the shot. It’s worth embracing and pursuing each day with the hopes that the storm is passing. It may or may not, but for now, my petals are still hanging on there. It comes down to attitude and perspective and we can either complain about the storms for hours on end or we can suck it up and dig our roots in and wait.

I love how Isaiah 25 reminds us that God weathers the storms with us and offers us protection. I feel like His presence is like a big umbrella. We hear the rain beating down and we still feel some of the raindrops and wind, but we are protected. He takes care of us even when it feels like the rain will never stop.

“They’ll see that you take care of the poor, that you take care of poor people in trouble, provide a warm, dry place in bad weather, provide a cool place when it’s hot …. But You, shelter (us) from the storm and shade from the sun …” (MSG 4a, 5b)

Have you been there? Have you ever felt like the storm is never going to pass? What are you learning in this season? Are you transferring the rain into something beneficial for your life? Are you digging in deep and hanging on to His promises or are you ready to let the storm take you away?

Don’t stop hanging on. At some point, the sun will come out. God wins. It’s only a matter of time.

On that note, congratulations to our winner of the Every Drunken Cheerleader … Why Not Me? + Starbucks card giveaway! After over 1,000 entries, Rafflecopter has randomly selected Natasha P. as the winner! Natasha, I will contact you shortly!

For those who didn’t win, the author, Kristine Waits, is running an awesome deal for everyone who is interested in a copy – A SIGNED BOOK AND FREE SHIPPING if purchased through her site! What an awesome deal! Don’t miss out on buying a copy now because it won’t last long! :) Click here to be routed directly to her webpage.

Have a great week!

june giveaway.

You know what I love? Reading something that makes you feel a little less crazy, a whole lot understood and helps you through the messy journey of infertility. A few months ago I shared a book during a Q & A series that did all of that for me while also encouraging my faith and validating the fact that you can be a Christian and still wonder “why”. The book is called Every Drunken Cheerleader … Why Not Me: Wit, Wisdom & Warmth from Your Fertility Challenged Friend by Kristine Ireland Waits. First of all, can we just giggle at the title? I think it just goes to show you the humor she has, which is laced throughout the pages. Anyways, I am sharing this with you because Kristine has graciously offered a signed copy of her book to the readers of this blog in a giveaway that I am so excited to host! If it was possible to place this book in each of your hands I would, but at least I can make one lucky person’s dream come true!

To enter, all you have to do is leave your name and email (so I can contact you if you win) through Rafflecopter. You can earn more entries by sharing or following, but if you simply just want to throw you name in the hat, it’s super easy! Oh and because reading also requires a good cup of coffee or tea, I am throwing in a $5 Starbucks gift card for the winner too! A free signed book + Starbucks? What’s not to love!?

Enter now by clicking this link: a Rafflecopter giveaway

I will be drawing the winner and announcing on Tuesday, June 9th so don’t miss out! This contest is limited to those in the USA mailing area however for those who are interested in purchasing this book directly, head over to her websiteBarnes and Nobles,or Amazon  to order a copy (it’s print to order so don’t let the “temporarily out” scare you off) or download it on your Kindle today. If you enjoy reading my blog, you’ll click immediately with Kristine! Good luck and happy reading! :)


costco lessons.

A few weeks ago I went to Costco. On a Sunday. At 11:30 am. Yes, I see my mistake here, especially after driving around the crowded parking lot for 10 minutes trying to find a spot that wouldn’t require me to pull out my walking shoes. (Ha, kidding, I don’t own walking shoes.) But I was in a good mood and ready to handle the crowds so I could grab a few things.

Well, the place was a zoo, like, even zoo-ier than normal. (I was reminded quickly of my brilliant idea to suggest a ‘sample lane’ for those who wanted to snack and linger and a FAST PASS lane for those who didn’t. Great idea isn’t it?!) But as I bumped carts and grabbed my items, I was amused watching the chaos go on around me.

And so, with my 5-6 items, I headed to the checkout, where it appears that on this particular Sunday, Costco was attempting to compete with Black Friday lines. After glancing at lines 10+ people deep, I picked my lane and got ready to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And wait.

It was clear there was an issue with the registers on all the lanes. The beeping and error messages were ringing loudly and the people around me were getting exasperated. I putzed on my phone, determined to wait this out. (After all, organic eggs and a lifetime supply of cottage cheese can’t be purchased anywhere, ha.) I started to eavesdrop on the conversation behind me. It was a dad with his two daughters, likely about 7 and 4. The youngest daughter was nestled in the cart half asleep, while the older daughter gabbed away.

Daughter: Hey dad, guess what?

Dad: What?

Daughter: I love you

Dad: I love you too.

Daughter: Let’s play the armpit game.

Dad: Okay.

Giggling, squeals, I got bumped. (I did look behind me to see what this game entailed. It appeared to be her raising her arms as he would try to sneak his hands under them in order to lift her up before she could put them back down. It was cute.)

A few minutes passed.

Daughter: Ugh, this is taking forever.

Dad: It sure is taking longer than we expected isn’t it? What a good time to practice our patience!

Daughter: Well, I have been really patient Dad.

Dad: I know you have, you’re doing a great job. It looks like it’s going to be a little bit longer but that’s okay. There’s nothing we can do about it, is there?

Daughter: We could tell them to get some more registers and then maybe it would go faster.

Dad: That’s a great idea, we could tell them that. But how would we want to say it?

Daughter: In a nice voice.

Dad: You’re right. I am sure that the people who are working right now are feeling really tired because they are so busy. But when we leave, if you feel like it still, you could make a suggestion to them.

Daughter: (pause) They probably already thought of that idea.

Dad: Sometimes there is nothing that we can do to fix things and so we just have to be patient, huh? We can make a suggestion if we say it nicely, but sometimes the suggestion doesn’t fix things right away. So then we just have to wait, knowing it’s out of our control.

Daughter: (longer pause) We will get there eventually.

Dad: Exactly. I’m really proud of you for waiting calmly. Let’s just focus on having a fun time in line, okay?

Daughter: Okay! Let’s play the arm pit game!

And just like that, the moment was over and the arm pit game began again. We all went back to waiting and I wish I could tell you the line picked up. (It probably took about 45 minutes) But the conversation between that dad and daughter has stuck with me.

Sometimes we have to wait. Situations are out of control and there is nothing we can do to fix it. Those are the times when it’s really easy to whine, complain, make irritated comments and melt down. But that dad reminded me that sometimes all we can do is stay patient.

I wish I would have turned to that dad and told him thank you and also complimented the way he patiently and lovingly parented his daughters. It would have been really easy for him to let out exasperated sighs and spout off less-than-kind comments to the workers. But instead, he used it to teach his kids (and me) the importance of waiting things out, simply because we can’t do anything else, understanding that we will eventually “get there”.

Galatians 6:9 says it so well – “So let us not become tired of doing good; for if we do not give up, the time will come when we will reap the harvest.”

My encouragement to you today dear friend, is don’t give up. I am preaching this to myself today too. Let’s not tire of being patient, of doing good, of monitoring our attitude and continue to push on. We will reap a harvest when God’s timing is perfect. His Word is reliable and so we strive on, we push forward, we practice patience and we trust Him to come through for us. He will, I know He will.

To the dad in that Costco line, thank you.

PS – I am incredibly behind on comment replies and email correspondence. The embarrassment of being so behind has kept me offline for too many days now and I am SO sorry. I am finishing up a few exciting projects and wrapping up a work contract and then have BIG goals to get back to you. Please know I read every comment, email and pray for you often, even if my typed replies are lacking. It means NOTHING about my deeply grateful heart! XO!