Dear Blog, my little space on the internet that used to be,
Hi! Remember me? Well, it just took me about 17 minutes, 3 password resets, and a tinge of sweat to log back into you, silly little thing. Thanks for doing a great job keeping things safe the last 1,187 days.
Today is Mother’s Day. The kids are 6. Can you believe it? For years we shared this sacred space talking and praying about the journey that would eventually bring us to parenthood. (To God be the glory!) Motherhood is just as sacred and refining as I imagined, and then some. The perspective infertility brought into how I mother is infinite, but also imperfect at always providing a santificed outlook. It’s hard stuff, raising littles, imparting all the things needed to help guide them into becoming kind, generous, Jesus-loving little people. More than ever, my brokeness is reflected daily and I am often desperate for a God-intervention to help mold me even more to be exactly the mom these two tiny people need. Whefw. Since it’s been a hot minute, let me catch you up, Blog.
Mother’s Day 2023
Logan is just the most precious little boy that was ever created. His heart is soft and sensitive, and he is a prayer warrior. I am amazed at his childlike faith and his ability to pray boldly and specifically. He’s also fiercely loyal, loves a good plan, and does his best to be the funniest. He’s a fabulous snuggler, and his smile lights up my whole body with tingles of joy. He’s pretty incredible – what a miracle. He loves to hear the story of how he came to be, and how God told Mom and Dad for 10 years “Not yet … not yet … not yet … not yet …. keep waiting … not yet …. not yet …. not yet …. okay, NOW! The world needs a Logan Adam! It’s time!” His grin stretches out across his face, knowing that even Mom and Dad had to learn patience (and then some, kid!) and trust. But then, oh!, to the glory of God, came Logan!
And then … the sweet cherry on top was that he wasn’t brought into the world alone, oh no. God had a special plan up His sleeve – a twin sister! Not one but two babies! More than we could ever ask for or imagine. Our sweet little Kirsten Joy truly is our joy maker. She’s hilarious, her comedic timing gifted from her dad’s genes I’m sure. She’s beautiful and bubbly, brave and made of a special kind of grit. She loves to twirl and pronounce God gifted her with a beautiful voice to sing Him praises. She spends as much time as possible outside. Her imagination is enormous and there’s no doubt she got her drama from her momma. I see God’s creativity in every details of their lives.
I think of you often Blog, about how my heart, mind, and soul was designed by God to naturally yearn to create and write. Life has been busy. We went through this wild pandemic starting just a month after my last post, and in the years since then, the kids started school, work picked up for me, and life just kind of happened. But you still flicker in the back of my mind. Sentences and words swirl through my brain, being laced together as I pack a school lunchbox, or pick up the Lego explosion in the playroom. Sitting down to write requires an intention I haven’t been able to focus on, but it’s still bubbling. I have been tempted to try to forget the longing, but when I sat in that reality recently, I realized how writing – my heart splayed out on a page – is worship to my Maker, using the gifts He’s given me to bring forth new life in me. I can’t snuff it out, when God has been calling me to find the words to talk about the beauty and mercy and grace and messy and gritty parts of my life. So, who knows, maybe this summer, you’ll be back and words may be splashed about a bit more, trusting God to provide the focus and words to write again, even when margins are slimmer and there’s a thousand excuses not to.
Now, before I go dear friend, I pause here because while it’s only you and I here at the moment, as soon as I press publish, new sets of eyes are invited in. I don’t believe that someone comes across this page does by mistake, so I also want to share a few words with you, dear friend, in case you find yourself in this little corner of the internet.
God sees you. And some days, it doesn’t always feel like your circumstances line up with what you’ve heard about Him. You’ve heard about Him being a “good God”, and yet, ________ is happening, or happened. And it really feels like God has failed you.
First of all, I know God hears you. He sees your emotion, your grief, your questions, and your brokenness. Nothing you feel is too much for Him, nor do your feelings trump the fact that circumstances do not negate the character of God. He can still be good and worldly circumstances can still be horridly hard. My friend Heidi writes in her book “P.S. It’s Gonna Be Good” that “He [God] isn’t calloused to your pain, annoyed by your tears, or indifferent to your heartache. No, God cares….While we are living in the middle of our worst-case scenario and redemption is nowhere in sight, He with you AND still has a plan. Jesus sympathizes with our every weakness (Hebrews 4:15), and He is our sovereign God.”
Friend, I pray that we feel comforted by the fact that Jesus not only knows what He is doing in the situations we’re facing, but that there can be HOPE found in the midst of today. When the world feels too overwhelming to face, I ask Jesus that we would see little glimpses of the reality we aren’t alone. He is guiding us as we look ahead with a mustard seed of faith. We are never abandoned! I pray in the middle of your story here, that you would see flakes of God’s goodness sprinkled throughout each day.
I love in John 11:40, when Jesus tells Martha “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”.
I believe there’s a cross road where God is asking all of us, to believe He is with us, that He is in control, and that He will display the glory of God through us – through our faith, through our stories, through our choosing to press into Him when life feels bleak. Because even though God feels with us, He is not controlled by His feelings, but His sovereignty.
Signing off, but not for long,
PS – Here’s a song that was playing as I wrote this post – it touched my heart and wanted to share below:
“Every seed, buried in sorrow / You will call, forth in its time / You are Lord, Lord of the harvest / Calling our hope, now to arise.”
One thought on “blowing off the dust.”
I was so surprised to see an email with a new blog post in my inbox but it felt like revisiting an old friend as I read your words. It’s been a long time and while I’m not in the infertility stage anymore (5 year old boy/girl twins!) I still am incredibly excited to hear you will be posting more soon. ❤️