our birthing story. 

Today was my scheduled C-section date. The babies would have been 38+2 and we would have checked in to the hospital to welcome full term twins and then arrived home a mere 4 days later to start our life together.

God had other plans.

As you know, we welcomed Logan and Kirsten at 35+0 on May 10th after my water for Logan broke at 34+4 on May 7th, nearly a month earlier than we had planned. We had just finished running errands on this gorgeous summer-like day. A stop to Menards to order a humidifier for their nursery, a swing through Carter’s to grab a few newborn pajamas for the hospital for the following month, a dash through Costco to grab a couple groceries for the week, and a stop at Jimmy John’s to grab a sandwich for lunch. As we arrived back home, Josh started to work on a garage reorganization project, tearing apart the inside to install some new shelving and make sense of some of the storage we kept in there. Since it was so beautiful out, Cali and I kept going outside to sit in a lawn chair with a book so we could visit with Josh in between laundry loads. I had just cut off all the tags for the new pajamas I had bought the kids and done a laundry transfer when I went back outside to sit for a while. I sat back into the lawn chair, facing Josh and the garage, admiring the fact that he had everything set out on the floors as he was going to beginning reorganizing, when WHOOOOSH. As soon as it happened, I knew it was my water. “Josh, my water just broke.” I remember calmly saying as I felt the warm fluid pouring out of me. My belly was so big I couldn’t get out of the chair without help, so I just sat there feeling it pour out of me. “Are you serious?” Josh stopped and turned wide eyed, probably equally anxious about the fact that my water broke and his garage was torn up, haha. “This is it. Yes, it definitely my water, isn’t it pouring everywhere?” As he walked over he said “No, I don’t see anything.” “Are you sure?” I replied, “it’s still flowing.” He walked over quickly to pull me up and once up, we realized it was a water proof chair and truly was holding all the fluid in a pool on the chair, haha! The next few minutes are a blur! We kept saying “THIS IS IT! Oh my gosh!”. I stood on the grass for another few minutes while my water continued to empty while Josh threw everything on the garage floor to the side so he could park the car back inside and then he helped me into the house, where I called labor and delivery and he frantically threw his bag together. The nurse asked how far away we lived and I said “30 minutes” and she replied, “then I’ll see you in 30 minutes.” I asked if we had any time for me to throw a few things into my bag (day of things, like a charger, make-up, etc.) and she replied “3 minutes max. Are you feeling the babies move?” I wasn’t but that was pretty typical of the 4:00 afternoon hour for me. I made a towel diaper of sorts and quickly redressed, tossed a few things to Josh to load into the car and said a quick goodbye to Cali. Knowing that was the last time I was seeing her before she became a big sister was so bittersweet and I wish it could have been longer, but I knew I had to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Within minutes of my water breaking, we were off.

We weren’t nervous, just in excited shock! We calmly called our parents and siblings and 2 of my best friends, all while navigating Sunday roads that seemed to hold far too many cars for the 4:00 hour. Everyone was so excited and the calls were quick, asking for prayers that I could hold off on delivering till at least past 9:00 pm, as my blood thinning shots (for my factor v) were still actively in effect and would cause complications if I were to deliver before that, including having to be fully put under for a c-section, and I so wanted to be awake and alert! Once we got to the hospital, we double parked and Josh wheeled me in, 39 minutes from when my water broke. It was such a surreal hour, I can’t even explain it. We quickly were brought to our room (5) within 5 minutes and they quickly began to work on locating both heartbeats. These babies had been a little more difficult to both find and that remained consistent once we arrived. They commonly had similar heartbeats, mirroring each other for over a minute often, which usually led nurses to believe they had the same baby on the monitors. While they soon found both heartbeats, they couldn’t get them to stay in the monitors and it took over hour and half before they called in an advanced ultrasound tech to find where they were exactly. (Even the bedside ultrasound done by the nurses wasn’t able to help out.) Once the tech gave them specifics, we were able to get them on the monitors. We were relieved to know both heartbeats were strong and the babies were doing great. By the time all of the doctors, nurses, and techs started to slow down, it was after 8:00 pm and Josh reached out to finally give our families an update. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to us that both sets of grandparents were waiting in the waiting room for a call! We had established with our doctor a plan to hold the babies in ideally till Wednesday so that we could do 2 rounds of steroids, 24 hours apart, for the babies lungs, and 48 hours of magnesium for handful of reasons. We then needed to give everything at least 24 hours of optimize full benefits, and so May 10th at 8:00 am became our goal date and time to make it to. Often times, once a woman’s water breaks, labor begins, so we truly were blessed and lucky that it never happened for me and that the medications didn’t cause any uncomfortable side effects, as magnesium is known to be particularly brutal.

Over the few days, the babies were incredibly difficult to keep on the monitors and my need to get up regularly to go to the bathroom caused a lot of work for the nurses. I was assigned a 1:1 nurse to just sit and hold the monitors onto my stomach and it would often take over an hour just to relocate the hearts once I or they moved. I can’t thank my amazing treatment team enough for the incredible care they provided. We had the BEST nurses, truly. I had heard our hospital, St. John’s, had great nurses, but the care and love from their staff went above and beyond what we could have asked for. I managed to find a spot on my left side laying horizontal that seemed to give us the best chance of keeping them both on the monitors and so that became my new norm. It didn’t matter that it meant my back was to the tv, or it was on a painfully numb part of my hip due to damaged nerves from injections, or that I had to eat laying down — it was all worth it to keep these babies in as long as possible!

Monday we had visitors. My friend Jana brought us lunch, my mom brought us items we had forgotten at home, my sister stopped by to visit, as did Josh’s parents and my sister in law and nieces. Our room was filled with snacks, flowers, and love. Tuesday was a quiet and surreal day and I am thankful for the space people gave us to be “just us” one last day. I was emotional at times as I processed was the next day would hold. And in a small world moment, a follower of our story had a mom who worked on the labor and delivery unit and we soon became known as the couple with a blog and routinely were able to share our story with staff coming in and out asking questions. It seemed like God wanted to use even the last hours of this chapter to continue to share with others the glory He was owed.

Wednesday morning our day started early. I had to take a shower using a special wash and then we met with numerous members of treatment team, our doctor, our nurse anesthetist, our anesthesiologist, the NICU doctors and nurses, etc. We had opted to have a c-section at this point to minimize the risk factors I was facing — having broken water with group b strep, gestational diabetes, factor v, and my anterior placenta for baby girl, being just some of them. We were so blessed that both sets of parents, as well as my sister and my sister in law, arrived before my surgery and gathered around my bedside and prayed with Josh and I. The tears and joy in the room was sacred.

And then I walked myself into the OR. And within minutes I had my spinal block, was prepped and on the table and the team was ready. That’s when they brought Josh in and my emotions were calm yet high. I had a minor panic attack as I freaked out over the fact that I could feel my lower body but couldn’t move it. It was a sensation I would prefer never to have again. It was like being trapped in my body, unable to move yet having limbs. Yuck. Thankfully the AMAZING nurse anesthetist and anesthesiologist walked me into a conversation about my sisters wedding colors to distract me and it worked.

 Then, before we knew it, Logan was out. His cry was the best sound I’ve ever heard and we laughed and cried and I felt like I was floating. My doctor commented on his little amount of hair and long legs and we laughed and cried. Josh followed him to get weighed and measured and inspected by his team and 2 minutes later, was back at my head as Kirsten was pulled out. Her cry was equally as emotional and precious. Logan briefly was put on a c-pap to clear his lungs and help with breathing and Kirsten was fine. Because she was completely stable, they wrapped her and placed her on my chest for another surreal moment. They then brought Logan over to my side so I could be with them both, but they held him just in case his breathing became an issue again, which it didn’t. A few minutes later they loaded up my babies for the NICU and Daddy went with them. I was sewn back up and was back in my room for recovery within only a handful of minutes. Josh was in the NICU, sending me pictures and videos and running into my room occasionally to check in with me, in which I’d send him quickly back to the babies. He also swung by the waiting room where my sister and our parents were waiting to hear all was well. Due to my spinal block, I couldn’t go to the NICU to see them until I regained full feeling in my body and could stand. Finally, at 2:45, I was able to do so and could be wheeled in to see my precious children. I arrived just in time for their first bath and some snuggles. Our families were anxious to hear their names and meet them, but this Mama wanted the chance to spend some time with both of them first before I had to share. :)

An hour later, we brought in our families, 2 at a time, into the NICU, first Josh’s parents (as we thought we could bring in all 4 parents at the same time but my parents were sadly stopped at the door), then my parents, then the aunties, then the grandmas came back again and then my sister in law returned with Josh’s brother. Everyone was equally as tearful, proud, and overjoyed as we were. My nieces were at the hospital but unfortunately due to the NICU regulations, weren’t able to visit the babies. Thankfully the staff made an exception and allowed them to enter into the first set of doors to see them through a small door window.
I was exhausted by this point and thankfully everyone excused themselves. We spent the evening with our babies and life as we know it would never be the same again.
The next 12 days held a lot — but in short, on Mother’s Day upon my discharge, as we were saying goodbye to the kiddos to go home to sleep at night, Logan began having several back to back episodes in my arms, dealing with his heart and oxygen levels. Within seconds? minutes?, it became clear his body was likely trying to fight an infection of some kind and the NICU team sprang into action. I’ll tell you, going from kissing your sweet baby boy’s cheeks one minute to signing a consent for him to be whisked away for a spinal tap 3 minutes later, all while so many machines are beeping loudly, was one of the scariest moments of our lives. The next few days were stressful and we were thankful the hospital let us board in a room onsite to be close since I had already been discharged. We are thankful to share that everything is fine with our son and the infection his body was fighting was minor enough to never appear on cultures and was cleared up within days.

 

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Mommy holding her two babies together – May 13, 2017

Then, Monday night, as I was getting into bed, my incision burst open and I began to leak (gush) a watery bloody mixture. It lead to spending midnight – 4 am in the ER, followed by time with my doctor the next morning. My body was retaining so much fluid that it literally just was trying to force its way out of any possible spot, and my incision was one of them. Tuesday was really hard, my breakdown day from exhaustion, physical pain, worry for my son, and then learning I would need to be readmitted and require surgery under general anesthesia to reopen my, c-section incision, drain me, clean me out and sew me back up. This took place on Wednesday afternoon at 4:30 pm (a long day without food and water!) but I felt immensely better after I was drained. At this point my body was shutting down into total exhaustion, as I was/am pumping every 2 hours (especially crucial trying to get my milk supply in and up to the twins feeding needs), was constantly being monitored and poked and prodded, and then wanting to be in the NICU at their every feeding. My doctor, bless her heart, allowed me to be discharged Thursday night instead of Friday, so that I could go home and sleep in my bed. It was wonderful, as was seeing Cali again, although it was so hard being away from the babies.

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Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Here’s the thing, remember how today was our original c-section date? After living these last 3 weeks, both Josh and I have said a million times over, that we would have had their arrival no other way. God was two steps ahead of us the entire time and our time was so clearly orchestrated by Him.

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Babies snuggling nose to nose! May 18, 2017

Had they been born today, they would have been housed in our hospital room, and we would have been sent home in 4 days. Perhaps I still would have needed a second surgery, which would have been brutal having to be away from home and only with Josh there to support them.

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Kirsten’s first bath … she loved it!

 

But because they were born on May 10, we were blessed to have them in the NICU and we could learn from the best team around. We learned different ways to feed them. We learned multiple ways to burp, dress, and change them. We learned how to spot diaper rash and what to do. We had nurses by our side as we did our first baths with them and I had nurses helping them latch as they were fed by feeding tube, so that they could associate being full with breast feeding. I had 12 days to work with the BEST lactation consultants, who helped me repeatedly learn to hand express and pump and how to determine what size shields to use and how to obtain and use my rented Medela Symphony. (AMAZING). On Tuesday, the day I was readmitted, all boarders were evicted from the hospital due to a high census but because I was readmitted, I got to stay and be close to the NICU. Not only that, but I then had access to meals, nurses who reminded me to take my meds and practice self care, and a great overnight CNA who would run my milk to the NICU so that I didn’t have to take the painful slow walk there every 2 hours. Once discharged, the census had gone down and they reallowed me to board in my same room until the babies discharged. All of this was so helpful since I wasn’t able to drive myself for 2 weeks. I had easy access to my doctor and the NICU doctor for any and all questions. Because of Logan’s scare, the kiddos had some extra screening and tests done which provided us an immense amount of reassurance that these babies are a-okay. Guys, these 2 weeks and every complication, were some of the biggest blessings we never would have asked for. Yet GOD KNEW. He knew that coming home with 5 day old twins would have been more overwhelming then it already was. He knew that sending us home with babies on a regular schedule, who were eating great and used to constant noise, and had parents who were comfortable interacting with them, would be the best thing for our family’s big transition. He knew I would need that extra time to heal with the help and support of a great NICU staff. HE KNEW. Ahhh, He always knows.

May 20, 2017


Getting ready to GO HOME! Outfits picked out by cousins Scarlett and Kinsley. :) Sunday, May 21, 2017


I read a quote today that said: “Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forward.” and this month has been another example of how true that is. It’s hard to live in the forward, where we don’t always understand why things are happening. And yet, God knows the forward and backward and uses it for our benefit, or at least for His glory in the hard moments. I now have a unique understanding of what it’s like to be the mother of preemies and what it’s like to have children in the NICU. My story has been expanded and my empathy for others has grown. God is good friends. One chapter has closed and another has opened and it’s only a handful of days in. This new chapter is beautiful, joy-filled, exhausting, overwhelming, sacred, emotional, precious, messy, and filled with so many kinds of tears. I’m navigating these new waters with Him by my side as I transition into a Mom, and shift so much of my identity. I’m thankful for the good days and remind myself that the hard days with twin infants are the best kind of hard days to have. We are infinitely blessed.

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Home sweet home! Tuesday, May 23, 2017

I have so much more to share with you guys, but today, on June 2, this day that was written differently than planned, had to share with you the fact that God’s planning is even better than ours. Thank you Lord for these precious miracles. You are so good!

Friday, May 26, 2017 – Both babies made it through their first bath at home. Logan was very proud he survived the acid pouring. 


Kirsten’s smiles are so precious. May 28. 2017


They love to lay next to each other! May 30, 2017


Cali still assumes all the pictures are about her haha! May 26, 2017


Boppy snuggles!

Thanks for the constant love and prayers. I am working to find our new normal and posts may be less frequent until I find my grove, but know I am thinking and praying for those still in the murky waters of infertility. The pain is still fresh and yet I can tell you it’s all worth it. So so so worth it.

With love,

Chelsea

PS – Pardon any spelling errors or weird formatting. This mama managed to write and post this completely on her phone over several hours and didn’t have the time to reread and edit. :)

Welcome to the world!

Our hearts are bursting with joy to introduce you to our son Logan Adam, born Wednesday, May 10th at 8:42 am, weighing in at 4 pounds 11 ounces and measuring 18.5 inches, and our daughter, Kirsten Joy, born at 8:44 am, weighing in at 4 pounds 10 ounces and measuring 17.75″ long. Both kiddos and mom are doing wonderful!! (Kirsten pronounced like  “kir” like”keer”)

The kids graduated to the “grower and feeder” side of the NICU their first day and now simply aim to put on weight and learn how to eat without a line. Prayers for their bottle/breast taking abilities to be strong and consistent would be great! As would prayers that my milk would come in and breastfeeding would prove to be an option. 

There are truly no words to express our joy and gratitude for what this week has held. To experience a moment as holy as this is beyond humbling and immensely overwhelming in the best possible way. Thank you all for being part of our story!!! 

“Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name goes all the glory for your unfailing love and faithfulness.” Ps. 115:1‬ ‭



We are adjusting to our new schedule here at the hospital and can’t wait to share more pics, stories and details soon! Much love friends!

The babies are coming!


Yesterday I posted on Facebook that when I think about Josh becoming a daddy, “I think I may actually just burst”, and apparently I meant literally! 😂 My water for baby boy broke around 4:15 pm last evening, which means it’s go time! We checked in to the hospital and are so thankful for our amazing team of doctor and nurses assisting the babies who are leading the way. 
Here’s the plan: KEEP BABIES IN UNTIL WEDNESDAY. Thankfully I am not in labor which makes this plan more realistic (for now.) Since the babies are 34w5d, we are working to beef up their lungs and prevent brain issues by doing 2 rounds of steroids 24 hours apart, along a magnesium drip and antibiotics to prevent infection for baby boy. Both kiddos seem to be doing great despite the circumstances and so we take it hour by hour and pray that God allows these medications to take full effect over the next couples days.

Although we were praying and hopeful they wouldn’t need NICU time, we know this won’t be an option for now, so we are transitioning our thinking and expectations, knowing full well God has known their birthdays and birthing stories from the beginning.

Would you join us in praying for us (again?). We are sooooo beyond excited and filled with peace and pray our son and daughter arrive safely, healthily, and perfectly in the coming days. And also, for me, as there are many risk factors playing into things, that delivery, whatever it looks like, be safe and preferably non-emergent?

Our phones aren’t top priority right now so please don’t be offended if we don’t get back to a call or text … we will do our best to keep you all posted! Thank you thank you thank you! 

International Bereaved Mother’s Day.

Today is International Bereaved Mother’s Day and I can’t help but share this beautiful video from CarlyMarie that helps to shine a light on what it is like to experience and survive the unimaginable death of a baby or child of any age (including adult children) or gestation.

“Mother’s Day is a day of the year that we come together to celebrate all mothers around the world. It’s a day that is intended to bring joy, recognition, love and appreciation to these incredible women that do so much for humanity. However, if you have experienced the death of one or more of your children, struggle to conceive a child or are unable to fall pregnant at all, this day can often bring up feelings of isolation, unworthiness, pain and sadness. Much of society has forgotten the true meaning of Mother’s Day and fails to support and recognize all true mothers.

International Bereaved Mother’s Day is intended to be a temporary movement. It is a heart centered attempt at healing the official Mother’s Day for all mothers. I believe that we can do this and that sometime in the near future there will be no need for this day at all because all true mothers will be recognized, loved, supported and celebrated. This year’s Mother Hearts Project is set to open peoples eyes as to what it is like to live as a bereaved mother.

Sunday May 7th 2017, get together with your closest friends and family and celebrate your beautiful Mother Heart. Celebrate your babies and children. Lets speak about the true meaning of Mother’s Day. Let us start some healing conversations.”  -ProjectHeal website

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Click here if the video does not embed because, well, sometimes technology. 

If you are looking for tips on ways to help a bereaved mother today, here is a great page that has tips on it.
To anyone out there who carries their children in their heart instead of their arms, you are honored today. Sending the BIGGEST hugs. You are not forgotten, you are a mother, you are loved.

34 weeks.

FRIENDS! It’s so hard to believe we have made it to 34+ weeks! Time has just flown by and it feels like I have been pregnant for a day. I don’t know HOW it’s 239 days. They have been the best days of my life, truly, even through some roller coasters. I can’t even express how grateful I am to be HERE. These babies inside my belly have brought so much healing to my heart. It’s amazing how God works and how much more abundantly He answers prayers than we could have asked for. In our wildest dreams, Josh and I never imagined being here with this story laid behind us and before us. God truly walked with us in the hardest seasons of our lives but not without a purpose. In the midst, we wanted out of the pain so bad, but looking back, without the pain we would have lost so many opportunities to grow. Had our journey been cut short, this blog may never have existed and I may not have met SO MANY wonderful women. Had our journey been cut short, In the Wait wouldn’t have been written. Had our journey been cut short, this son and daughter of ours would not have come into existence. Had our journey been cut short, we would have lost precious growth as a married couple and as children of Christ. Had our journey been cut short, He would not have been glorified in the same manner He is now. The pain, sorrow, and devastation have been worth it, if not solely because it’s helped drive others to Him.

So here we are, at 34w1d, pausing to reflect on how good God has been throughout it all. It’s so easy to want to rush out of the seasons of pain, (with good reason!), yet it’s never in vain. Even when it seems pointless and cruel, He uses it. He doesn’t necessarily cause it as much as He allows it, yet He takes it all and molds it into something grand. We are so grateful.

Today I just wanted to check in and share some fun pregnancy updates with you! I wish I had been better at keeping track of this throughout, but I think I was often in such a joyous daze, focusing on intentionally being present each day of pregnancy and as a result, not as faithful at recording it all. And that’s okay because my heart is full.
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How far along? 34 weeks, 1 day! The picture above is from this morning. I feel like I have definitely started to “drop” a bit and round out.

Gender: Boy / Girl

Maternity Clothes?  Yessss …. Okay, so my favorite pants that I basically wear every day are these leggings from Walmart. Jeans aren’t as comfy anymore and my Target ones give me baggy butt, but these leggings … life savers. They have built in support for my back and no weird seam down the middle of my stomach. They go up high, right under my bra, and are well made so you can’t see through them. WINNING! I own 3 pairs and may never ever give them up, even after the babies come, haha!

Stretch Marks? Yep! Mainly around my belly button and every time I see them I think – YAY! BABIES!

Belly button in or out?  Stretching out, still in, but barely. My belly button makes my husband hysterical every time. We constantly touch it (is that weird?) because it feels so funny, like a stretched and worn out balloon.

Sleep: Honestly, I have been so lucky with sleeping so well throughout this pregnancy. It really has just been since week 33 that I have had to start getting up more frequently to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Prior to that it was twice a night, now it’s about 4 times, but that seriously feels like nothing. Getting out of bed is a funny-to-watch endeavor and more often than not, I feel like a beetle on its back, but I am getting my rock-sway-grunt down.

Best moment this week: Besides making it to 34 weeks, which was a huge goal for us, it’s been feeling them continue their activity and getting to know their schedules more and more. They are typically awake together and they always make me smile when they get the hiccups or try to do a roll. At about 18” long now, each of them are running out of room to move, so it always looks like an alien is inside me when they try to get fancy with their movements.

Symptoms:  Seriously, I think I have been blessed with the best pregnancy ever. Yes, I was on bedrest for the 1st trimester but that doesn’t even phase me! The only things that really are different when I am pregnant are some issues with my hands. My left hand needs to be in a brace pretty consistently now as my thumb constantly clicks out of place and any wrist pressure is painful (like opening a door isn’t possible without a brace or holding a handled cup is too much pressure). My right hand has carpel tunnel and my fingers are numb 100% of the day and I sleep with long metal-rod brace to keep the numbness from creeping too far up my arm. Both are temporary and non-issues. A little bit of heartburn every now and then. There’s NO WAY I am complaining about these things! I may need to rest a little more often and keep my feet elevated to avoid swelling, but Mama is loving it all!

I do have to laugh though – having 2x the amount of blood in my body has caused some facial swelling – my lips are more plump and my nose has seriously doubled in size! It’s gotta be one of the weirdest things I have experienced but I have been told it will go back down to a normal sized nose after the babies are here. If you see me in person, don’t judge, HA!

Miss Anything?  Steak tartar. But not necessarily missing it, as much as just looking forward to having some when the babes are out.

Cravings?  No real cravings. I do enjoy buffalo wild wings and will never pass up a change for some boneless wings, but Josh hasn’t had to make any weird store dashes for me.

Food aversions? Eggs and pizza sauce still – just pizza sauce with spices though! I recently found a pizza place near by doctors office that makes Neapolitan pizzas with just crushed tomatoes as the sauce and a margherita pizza with anchovies has been my jammmmm. I may have had that and a salad for lunch today. Maybe.

Queasy or sick?  Nope! Never had one ounce of morning sickness and I feel SO incredibly blessed about that!

Any trips to Labor and Delivery? Yep! We made our first trip last Thursday evening to the hospital after Baby Boy was unusually quiet all day. Once hooked up and scanned, it was obvious he was moving away, but had changed positions into one where I couldn’t feel him much. The hospital was amazing and so supportive of our coming in. We hope it’s our last visit there though before it’s actually go-time!

Looking forward to?  Getting through a day! Honestly, babies will be here in 28 days … each night we celebrate getting through one more day. It feels like such a victory!!!

Prayer Requests? Tomorrow is another growth scan appointment for the babies and it’s been a long 4 weeks not knowing if they are growing appropriately. Twice weekly, we have non stress-tests (NST’s) to monitor their heart rates for a period of time to ensure proper ranges are reached and those have all been awesome, and then once a week we have BPP’s where we watch them via ultrasound to make sure they are practicing their breathing, making appropriate movements and such. They have been thriving and passing all those tests with flying colors! So we know they are doing well in there … now we just have to make sure one isn’t staying stagnant in growth, or pulling too far ahead or falling too far behind. These growth measurements will give us a realistic idea on how likely it will be for us to make it to full term and when/if we will need steroids. Our appointment is at 9 am CST tomorrow (Friday 5/5) and we are PRAYING these babies are right where they need to be so they can continue baking away.

Next Goal: We would love to make it to 36 weeks, which is less than 2 weeks away! At our hospital, anything under 36 weeks is automatic NICU time from delivery and while even after 36 weeks, they may need a little help growing or feeding, we would love to get to a point where NICU may not even need to be considered! We’d love your prayers too for this!

So is everything perfect!? If you are reading this today and feel like I have it too good, I promise, there are still issues, it’s just all a matter of perspective! :) Ever since starting to prepare for our frozen embryo transfer, the estrogen injections made my blood pressure high, which is super unlike me. So I have had to be on blood pressure medicine this whole pregnancy to monitor that. I haven’t had issues since being on it, but it still puts me in a high risk category for pre-eclamsia. Also, I have had gestational diabetes since week 16, which just means I have had to monitor my meals carefully, test my sugars 4 times a day, and routinely use nighttime insulin to keep my sugars from going crazy after a sleep-fast. (I’ve been told with two placentas, this is pretty typical, and also, having PCOS and insulin resistance anyways, pretty likely, which is why we tested at 16 weeks opposed to 28.) In certain situations when I know a meal would cause a spike, I can use day time insulin, but that has really only happened a handful of times. Also, my factor V blood clotting disorder causes some bleeding risks and I give myself injections each night to prevent clots. (Actually tonight I move to twice daily heparin injections as we prepare for delivery!). I also tested positive for Group B Strep so need extra antibiotics during delivery … So I promise, things aren’t perfect, but to me, all non-issues … a blessing really to only be dealing with these things because I am pregnant! If you are dealing with any issues like these, know you aren’t alone. ;) Don’t be hard on yourself, they are all out of our control! If anything, I feel like the fact that I have made it to 34 WITH all these high risk factors is just a testament to the power of prayer!

That’s it friends! Thanks for taking the time to pray for us – we truly believe, especially with so many high risk factors of the items above + a multiples pregnancy, that it’s thanks to YOUR prayers that have kept these babies thriving for so long. Thank you Jesus!

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This was our 9:45 on Tueday night! 3 times a year, Target runs a deal where you can buy $100 in diapers/wipes and get a $25 gift card back. When you do multiple transactions and layer cartwheel and coupons, it works out to be a great deal and way to stock up! Our Target was pretty cleaned out, but we used some baby shower gift cards to make a good haul to stock up! (Yes, I know every baby is different. Yes, we can exchange or return them if needed. Yes, I won’t open the boxes until we know how many we will need.)


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Josh got our car seats installed last night! We are officially ready! We still want to run them by the police station for a quick inspection to ensure everything looks good. It was SO fun to drive around with them both in the back today. It made it feel even more real!


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I got my very first Mother’s Day gift from a dear friend Rachel this week – ALL THE FEELS. Seriously pinching myself!!!! How sweet is this?!

maternity pictures.

Warning: This post contains a whole bunch of maternity shoot photos and may be a trigger for those still struggling with infertility. Proceed with caution or skip over entirely. And know I am sending you BIG HUGS.

A few weekends ago, my dear friend Gina Zeidler came over into our home and gifted us with a full morning of maternity photos taken. For Josh and I, it was an unbelievably surreal morning. Gina is simply the best and turned what felt like such foreign territory and made it so much fun. We laughed, we cried, and we celebrated. It was such a beautiful time together. We are so thankful to her talent and generosity to bless us with these precious moments forever captured.

We will spare you from sharing nearly 200 pics, but here are some of our faves from the morning!!

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“Hey Mom, what’s going on with this bump?”

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This sign was the first thing Josh bought for the babies after we found out I was pregnant.

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This book is SO special. And a reminder of where our blessings come from!

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We received these onesies as a gift when we first shared our pregnancy news, as did we these gorgeous blankets made by Josh’s Grandma. These will be forever keepsakes!

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“Now what’s happening again??”

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Baby Twin bump at 28+4

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Our friend Kaylynn got us these perfect onesies! Can’t wait to put the little nuggets in them. :)

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From the beginning our hearts have been filled with so much laughter – disbelief and joy!

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My sister-in-law surprised us with these onesies – TOO CUTE! Womb Mates for SURE!

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My precious family of 5.

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Cali kisses for the babies!

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Hi Babies! Mommy loves you!

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Josh recently built our family this kitchen table and we love that it will now become the gathering place for so many memories, laughs, tears, devotions and meals.

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Every morning we get up and walk into the nursery and say “Good Morning” to Cali’s baby brother and sister. She’s going to be such a good big sister. :)

These photos are so US. We love that they were captured in our home, in regular clothes, with bare feet and coffee, water, and Cali close at hand. We are so incredibly blessed and don’t take a single minute for granted. <3


“Let the Adventure Begin” sign custom designed and made with love by our friend Ashley from Graced and Co.
Maternity Dress from Shop Pink Blush.

tears.

4 weeks ago at 29+ weeks: I sat in a circle, surrounded by my girlfriends, who came out to celebrate our twins with us at yet another baby shower. (I haven’t blogged that one – but coming soon!) As I looked around the room at these beautiful women who had walked through so much with us, I was overwhelmed with emotion. Earlier in the day, my girlfriends who hosted asked if there was anyone I knew of that was still in the midst of an infertility struggle and I was overwhelmed with joy that as I looked at the attending guest list, I had been through the infertility struggle and walk with 10 of these friends of mine, all of them now with 1 or 2 babies in their homes, none left still struggling. In a way, it felt like a beautiful full circle moment, having celebrated 14 newborns during the time of our journey from this group of infertility-struggling friends alone, not to mention all the babies welcomed by those not struggling. 

And I got teary. Emotional with gratitude and joy and the feeling of immense relief. As I felt the tears pool in my eyes, I couldn’t help but feel so grateful being in this precious moment.

Tears.

3 weeks ago at 30 weeks: I went in for a regular OB appointment only to have a mini-growth scan done a day earlier than our schedule one at the perinatologist and surprising news was given to us: our babies weren’t doing great. We were told our daughter dropped to the 3rd percentile, and our son to the 11th. They informed us that they would default to the perinatologist appointment tomorrow, but to pack a hospital bag, pray we could make it to 34 weeks, plan on steroid injections and a tough battle uphill head.

And driving home I cried. Tears of exhaustion and worry for our little ones. Tears of carrying the stress, knowing their little lives were in my body, and feeling like I had failed them somehow.

Tears.

The next day: God surprised us! The perinatologist did so many thorough tests and assessments on these kiddos and we were left with the news that they are both doing amazing. The quick OB-scan was not accurate. Baby Boy stayed in the same percentile as before, the 33rd, weighing in at a whopping 3 lbs 4 oz! And Baby Girl went from the 5th percentile …. to the 15th!!!! And weighed in at 3 lbs 1 oz! PRAISE THE LORD! Both kiddos passed their weekly tests in record time and scored a 10/10 on all their points and the doctor said there was no need for steroids, we had two thriving kiddos, and to plan for a full-term pregnancy.

This time driving home I cried too, but tears of joy and relief. Tears of gratitude to God for answering so many prayers for these babies growth and tears for the reminder that He is present with us in all the ups and downs.

Tears.

2 weeks ago, at 31 weeks: We received a book in the mail, a book called Wish. And I attempted to read it out loud to Josh and my aunt for the first time. Well, here is how Amazon describes the book and then you can decide how that went: “As an elephant couple embark on a life together, thoughts of children are far away-at first. But as the desire for a child grows, so do unexpected challenges. And it’s only after thwarted plans and bitter disappointment that their deepest wish miraculously comes true.”

Yeah.

So halfway through, my gasps for air became too much and I passed the book off to Josh to finish reading outloud and let’s just say the tears fell.

And fell.

And fell.

Tears of relating to the desire for children growing in our hearts. The challenges. The bitter disappointment. The answer to prayers. And ohhhh, there were so many tears.

Tears.

A few days later: Josh had a cupcake. A beautiful cookies and cream cupcake from my favorite cupcake shop and he sweetly offered earlierin the day, that he would share it with me after dinner that night. Oh sweet precious cupcake.

We ate dinner and my belly grew so full so fast. And he immediately brought over the cupcake, to which I told him I didn’t want my half right now. Unfortunately thanks to a barking dog, he didn’t hear the last two words of my sentence …. the “right now” part. And so, an hour later, when I asked for my half of the cupcake, and the panic in his eyes set in quickly, there was a little bit of heartbreak to follow. And by heartbreak, I mean tears.

I didn’t say I didn’t wannnnnnnnt the cupcake, I said right noowwwwwwww. I was full. Did you reallllllly eat it??”

Oh the poor boy. I tried to explain, through the most hyperventilating sobs, that it wasn’t his fault and I would be okay and I was sorry for being so hysterical, but let’s just say this type of emotional breakdown over a cupcake half isn’t normal for me.

But the tears came. And fell. And I couldn’t get a hold of myself.

Tears.

Easter church service: Well, let’s just say that a day as significant as Easter combined with being 31+ weeks pregnant was a recipe for tears. As soon as the band played the first musical note, my eyes started leaking. And I cried, nonstop, for a full 30 minutes, as the worship band played and the verses were read and the significance of the day tore through my heart. I leaned over to Josh at one point and told him I physically couldn’t stop crying. It was like my body was responding outside of my mental emotions and reacting in a way I had never experienced before.

And so, I soaked the rag I had in my purse (randomly) since I wasn’t wise enough to bring tissues. I finally stopped trying to wipe the tears away, instead letting them puddle in my cleavage. Oh the beautiful glamour of pregnancy.

So. Many. Tears.

And then, just last week, I was driving and caught this song playing on the radio.

And I realized that God gave us tears for a reason. As the lyrics of the song say, they are a healing rain. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to get emotional and to let ourselves feel everything we are feeling. For so long, especially during our later years in infertility, I feared crying, because it felt like if I let the dam open, it may never close. I allowed myself to become numb, to push away feeling my emotions, to protect my heart by not connecting to it.

Sure, I still cried about silly things – a sweet Dancing with the Stars performance, or someone winning the grand prize on Wheel of Fortune, or a dog reuniting with their military owner, but for me? For us? It was too vulnerable.

And so this song, and all the tears of the weeks prior, felt like such a blessing to me. A relief to be reminded that God wants us to feel, that He gave us emotions for a reason, and that there is no shame in crying. It’s not a sign of weakness, but of humanness.

So today friends, if you need to cry, cry. Put this song on (repeat if you need to) and close your eyes and allow yourself to feel. It’s healing. It’s hard. It’s beautiful. It’s messy. (Have Kleenex nearby but if not, I’ve learned a rag works great too.) But it’s necessary to release the pain and exhaustion and allows God to rebuild your strength as you cling to him.

Tears …. who knew there were so many forms?

Tears by Matt Hammit

You’ve been waiting a long time
To let this out into the daylight
You’re not alone, we all have days
When the well inside needs to break

Just let ‘em fall like healing rain
Watch the walls start crumbling
Let your heart beat and feel the weight
You’ve carried disappear
Just let ‘em fall right down your face
Hit the ground in a pool of grace
And feel the things you haven’t felt for years
That’s why God made tears

The waves crash hard into the harbor
But you don’t have to hold ’em back any longer
There’s a freedom found when you’re unafraid
To let the water wash it all away

Just let ‘em fall like healing rain
Watch the walls start crumbling
Let your heart beat and feel the weight
You’ve carried disappear
Just let ‘em fall right down your face
Hit the ground in a pool of grace
And feel the things you haven’t felt for years

That’s why God made tears

Watch the old become new
Let the fear fade away
Feel his arms around you
Oh,it’s ok

You’ve been waiting a long time

Just let ‘em fall like healing rain
Watch the walls start crumbling
Let your heart beat and feel the weight
You’ve carried disappear
Just let ‘em fall right down your face
Hit the ground in a pool of grace
And feel the things you haven’t felt for years

That’s why God made tears
That’s why God made tears