You’re one.

We blinked.

You came out screaming, crying, displaying your tiny four pound bodies to the world. With a scalpelled cut and a pull, a million prayers were answered.

Kirsten and Logan, you arrived.

Month one: What day is it? Who am I? Is it time to eat? Who needs a diaper changing? I need to pump. Why is this so tiring? I am utterly grateful for how content you two are and also, utterly thrown into a tailspin after our NICU discharge. We have to bathe you all by ourselves now? But you’re so tiny. I am a mom. I am a mom? Which way is up?

Month two: What is happening? Is this what reflux is? Why are you crying? Another late night feeding. Why does Josh like to talk so much at 2 am? It’s time to pump, again. Bottles washing. Why do Dr. Brown bottles leak like this? I am a mom. I waited so long for this. Why am I so tired? Am I crying? My face is wet. Who are these little humans I love so much? Let’s just cuddle all day.

Month three: We are doing this! Tiny smiles are emerging. Sleep is coming more regularly. We are falling into a pattern, a rhythm. It takes me an hour (or two) to get out the door, but we manage to leave the house. Once. And then I realize it was way too much work for the effort. We like staying home anyways. Pizza for dinner again.

Month four: You begin sleeping in your cribs and we reclaim our bedroom. I miss your tiny sleepy moans. I cry, again. You are growing up so fast. I marvel at how well you sleep and how much I miss you now that you are a bedroom away. You are the cutest and funniest things I have ever seen. I am beginning to understand my new role. I am your mom. My heart is disoriented that I am living my dream.

Month five: You begin to start a village of junk under your neck rolls. We bathe you in the kitchen sink and while it’s an exhausting production, we love bath nights. You are both so content and we revel at the chance to slather you with lotion and kiss every inch of your tiny growing bodies. Leaving the house is more doable. I feel like a superhero at Target. You made your tv debut and the whole world got to know what miracles you are.

Month six: Thanksgiving and so much to be thankful for. You two are the light of our lives. You made your first trip to BSF. Kirsten, you also got your first cold. I am flourishing in the joy and rhythm of motherhood with utter exhaustion and complete fullness. The cold is setting in outside and we hunker back down into our home, happy to be playing with our toys and reading our books.

Month seven: Christmas reminds me of the siblings you have in heaven. Our hearts are healed as we hold you two. You are working on learning to sit up by yourselves. You tip over a lot. We love to kiss you. I order everything I can online for the holidays and we burst with joy as we send out Christmas cards with YOUR faces on them. We are a family of four, five including our Cali puppy. How much things have changed.

Month eight: Our days are filled with laughter. Your giggles are the most beautiful thing our ears have heard and we will forever act like morons to get you to laugh. You love spa time with mommy, having your tiny limbs massaged with lotion and kisses showered on your neck. You’re losing your full baby cheeks and getting longer, growing so fast. Slow down time.

Month nine: How have I been pumping this long? I have a love/hate relationship with being an exclusive pumper. I finally have a routine down, able to cut back on the amount of times I pump during the day, especially thankful I no longer need to do it while you two are awake. You are starting to truly enjoy people food. Olives. Waffles. Green beans. Gramma’s spaghetti. Kirsten, you are a neat and meticulous eater. Logan, you are happiest when your fists are both clutching the maximum amount of food they can hold. You complete us.

Month ten: You become international travelers and show us how well you are at adapting to new places. You are far more flexible than we give you credit for. You are introduced to the water, the ocean, the pool. Logan, you love it all. Kirsten, you are more cautious. We love watching your personalities blossom.

Month eleven: We clap. We blow kisses. We crawl everywhere, fast and quickly. Pulling yourselves up, you want to walk so badly yet aren’t quite ready to let go. Noises make you both laugh. Books make you both slow down. Mommy spends her first 48 hours away from you and her heart shatters. Being without you both is like being naked at a concert. I feel like my limbs are missing and my arms ache to hold you again. Not surprisingly, you survive and enjoy the time with family. You two are independent yet will always need your momma.

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Month twelve: I question it all. How did we get here? Where did time go? The days are short but the years are oh so fast. You two are little people. You have your own God-given quirks and talents, personalities and interests. I marvel at the creation God has given us in you two. We daily say to one another “Can you believe we have two babies? A boy and a girl?! Our Kirsten and Logan?!”. We pinch ourselves. Our hearts are fuller than we could have ever imagined. We have made it a full year on breast milk and my exclusively pumping journey can end. (Don’t get too sad little ones, Momma has been saving up thousands of ounces in the deep freezer for the months to come.) You are becoming less interested in bottles though, and more interested in people food.

This first year has been unlike anything I have experienced before. Infertility gave me a perspective into parenthood that I always hope to cherish. The early days seem like a year ago, and like yesterday at the same time. Just yesterday we sat in your nursery at 2:00 am, hunched over your boppy loungers, tickling your feet to try to wake you, rejoicing over the 40 mL’s you ate, cheering for your burp as if you hit a grand slam. It took us 7 months to stop tracking every diaper change, every feeding, every pumping session. I whisper the words over you each night that my mom whispered over me – God bless you, watch over you, and keep you safe throughout the night, Amen.

The early challenges were disorienting – trying to figure out what this cry meant and what reflux medicine was working best. These days, the challenges seem less decapitating. No, you can’t pull out that lamp plug. No, you can’t shove a Ritz in your mouth whole. No, you have to sit still while I change your diaper so you don’t get poop …. well, everywhere, okay you rolled. Awesome.

We sing songs. We patty cake. We roll in our cart throughout Costco and I treat you like you are on a parade float. I HAVE TWO BABIES! I want to shout it out every single time. My pride in being your mom is crippling. I am so humbled to be chosen by God to love you. We crawl throughout the house, investigating everything, and I try to reach Cali’s water dish before you. We treat Vitamin D drops like candy and snot sucking time like a spa trip. You two are a hoot.

Kirsten and Logan, you two are our dreams come true. You are our miracles. You are our answered prayers. You are the reason we get up in the morning with such joy. God has given us you, after so much time wondering if this day would ever come. And now you turn ONE. And we marvel and reveal at what we overcame this first year as new parents, new twin parents nonetheless.

Always remember how special you are to Jesus and us. You were chosen for our family and it’s not a mistake that you are here with us. We love you to the moon and back our sweet bumbles. Thank you for being the breath in our lungs and the melody in our souls.

Kirsten’s Life Verse is Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Honey Bear, we chose this for you because we always want you to remember that God is the God of hope, joy, and peace and it all is rooted on your trust in Him. We pray that you will grow to love Jesus and put your trust in Him and in doing so, receive the Holy Spirit and understand what its like to love Him with your whole heart. Your middle name is JOY and we know that the only source of true joy on this earth is Jesus and our relationship with Him. We pray that you always radiate His hope, joy, and peace to others you encounter while living your life.

Logan’s Life Verse is Philippians 4:13 “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” Buddy, we chose this for you because we already see God created you to be a vibrant, active, energetic, little boy, full of adventure and determination. We want you to always remember that your strength in life will never come from what you can do. Your strength comes through Jesus. Nothing in life you may ever accomplish is because of your own doing. He makes you capable and able to find joy, peace, patience, humility, love, gentleness, self control, purity and more, solely based on His strength alone. We pray that you always remember who created, sustains, and loves you and that it shows in how you live your life.

Happy first birthday my loves.

Today’s What It’s Like feature is honest, real, and so informational. It gives us an inside look at what it’s like to be the support person in a marriage where a spouse is suffering from a chronic illness. I am so thankful for my friend Abby for sharing so beautifully about her journey as a wife supporting her husband and it helps me better support others who may find themselves in a similar place.

Each piece I read in this series reminds me of the journey that each person is living and the insurmountable amounts of grace we should be giving our fellow humans each day, as everyone is going through something. Is anyone else reminded of that too?

Abby, thank you for sharing with us today. We will be praying for Reid and your future!

I am honored to share the words of my friend Justine Froelker today on my What’s It Like series. Justine embodies encouragement and grace, and offers an open look at what it’s like when the dream of having a family doesn’t play out the way we envision. I am thankful for her leadership in the infertility community and her passion to live out her mission. Justine, thank you for being you!

Here’s what its like to be childless not by choice.

I am a 38-year-old woman who can’t have kids. Almost everywhere I go I am almost always the only one.

If I am not careful, I easily believe I don’t belong.

When I am doing the work of owning my truth and speaking my story I know, I always belong.

Fitting in…now that is another story.

Among the moms, I am a bit lost and forgotten. Sure, as a mental health therapist with over 18 years of experience I have a lot of knowledge and experience on the research of parenting, I can provide with you a ton of resources to help you if you want. Yet, my opinion is often seen as invalid because you just don’t get it or I am not even considered in the conversation at all. Which, I’ll admit, can also ignite the other therapist part of me that wants to grab mothers by their shoulders begging them to be themselves.

“You are more than a mother! Who are you? What do you love?”

I digress.

Among childfree people, I can feel not understood. I love the freedom, the travel, the talk about the world, work, and things other than sleep and soccer schedules. Yet, the childfree community doesn’t understand that I actually do love kids, deeply wanted them, and yearn for my three every single day, and will for the rest of my life.

Among people like me, well, there are only a handful so far in my life. I mean, most of the stories end with kids, right? Not many of us, especially those of us in the infertility and loss journey, stop before we get the babies. I know my story scares the crap out of so many people, and yet, it is the very thing that will open you up to become curious about who I am and what I have done to change my life after it didn’t turn out the way it was supposed to.

For those who don’t know me, here’s the quick recap:

We tried IVF due to my history of back surgeries and body casts in high school.

We lost three babies.

The money was gone.

Our hearts were broken.

We stopped treatments before we got the babies.

We are not choosing adoption.

We are accepting a childless not by choice, or as I like to call it, a childfull life.

I am a forever grieving mother who chooses to do the work to see the gifts in everything.

I am happy and sad…you can watch my TEDx talk on that.

I know I always belong, because I am a daughter of the One True King. Still, I will choose to continue to do the work of staying out of comparison, knowing my worth, and sitting beside others, especially others who are different than me and who I feel like I don’t belong with.

How often do we judge other moms? Or those who stopped treatment? Or who aren’t adopting? Or are? Or those who chose not to have kids? How often do we compare our infertility and loss stories within our own infertility community?

Struggle is struggle. Hard is just hard.

Loss is loss. 

When we compare our stories, we are only more alone in them.

And, remember, I am already alone as a 38-year-old woman who wanted kids and can’t have them.

What if instead we looked at each other in our different, and yet so much the same, struggles of life, and said, “This sucks, can I sit with you?”

Because then we aren’t so damn alone in it all.

And, we can love others as He loved us.

We ended our journey about five years ago, and in four years of infertility advocacy it has been a lot of struggle; the hustle to build a platform, the jumping up and down not to be forgotten, and the shame that can attack me with messages like,

Your story is too scary.

No one cares.

You’re invisible.

You didn’t deserve to be a mom.

You don’t matter.

Pick your poison; I know you have some version of these stories too, no matter what your What It’s Like To story is. Because this is how shame works. As a Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator (trained by Brené  Brown) I teach, challenge, model, and speak shame every day. We all have shame, and if you don’t think you do, let’s talk. What I am learning is that when I not only give myself permission to feel both the longing and the joy that comes with being a forever grieving mother who is the happiest she’s ever been because she does the work to be, is that not only must I rewrite my stories of shame, but I must also let them go.

Every day I work to honor my three when I do the work to not stay stuck in life crushing grief I make them a gift…because they are.

It is only because of them that I found my way to Christ, that I did the true work to be happy and healthy, and that I have found the work that I love and that serves the world.

They were never really mine to begin with; they were always His.

It is only because of them that I have been able to shine this light. My light.

One of the moments I saw this the most clearly was after a talk I gave on how vulnerability can empower your business and personal life, when an exhausted mother came up to me after and said, “You know, you are the mother of all mothers. You are giving us the permission and the tools to take care of ourselves finally, thank you.”

I am Justine Froelker.

I am a mother to my three who never took a breath of this earth’s fresh air, and apparently a mother to mothers.

I am a mother.

And, more than you realize, we are more alike than different.

Want to sit beside me?

Full of grit and grace, Justine Froelker uses her fiery passion, the occasional curse word, and her witty humor to share her vulnerability and truth to light up the world. Justine is an advocate for speaking about shame and learning to thrive when life doesn’t turn out how you hoped, dreamed, or even planned that it would. Justine is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator with over 18 years of experience (based on the research of Dr. Brené Brown). She is the author of her best-selling books, Ever Upward and The Mother of Second Chances. Justine currently lives in Saint Louis with her husband, Chad, and their three dogs. She enjoys her childfull life by spending time with friends and family, practicing creative self-care, laughing (many times at herself) and building butterfly gardens on her acre of land, which has made her an accidental butterfly farmer.

PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

PPS – If you’re ever looking for a devotional on living life while in a waiting season, check out the devotional I co-authored called ‘In the Wait’!

PPPS – Check out the other contributions from this series, including What It’s Like: to experience multiple IVF cycles, raise a child with special needs, use an egg donor, be a DIY-er and home style blogger , be a NICU nurse,  Live fully in singleness while still hoping for marriage, suffer with endometriosis. experience depression, start a company, have a micro preemie, and lose a parent. Stay tuned for many other amazing topics to come every Tuesday and Friday here!

I don’t even know how to introduce our next contributor to the What’s It Like series. Amanda Jass and I met a handful of years ago and God sure knew what He was doing when He connected us. Amanda and I had the opportunity to co-write In the Wait together, and also, celebrate the birth of 4 babies between the two of us.

The “In the Wait” team! <3

 She’s the real deal – as sweet and genuine as can be, and absolutely filled with a faith that encourages you to dive deeper as well. Amanda, thank you for sharing this personal and painful experience with us today. I know your dad would be so proud of you and your family.

Here’s what its like to lose a parent. Grab a tissue and prepare to be moved by her words. 

I still vividly remember the day we heard the news about my dad. My mom called while I was sitting at my first grown-up job, and through tears, she said those three awful words: “Dad has cancer.” I felt like my heart dropped into my stomach. My football-watching, cheesy-joke-telling, ridiculously smart, and straight-up amazing dad. It didn’t make sense.

A few days after the initial news, my mom, sister, and I were sitting in my dad’s hospital room with him when the doctor came in to give an update. The cancer had already spread. We learned that aside from a miracle, there was no chance of remission.

We were blessed to have over two more years together as a family after his diagnosis. Then in September 2012, my dad went to his eternal home to be with Jesus. Even though we had time with my dad before he passed away, I still felt very numb and was almost in shock those first few weeks. I certainly had some hard moments, but it wasn’t until a couple of months after he was gone that I entered into a more intense season of grieving.

People kept saying how well I seemed to be doing, but they didn’t see all the tears and brokenness behind closed doors. It’s strange when you lose someone you love so dearly. It’s like the whole world just kind of stops. Like you’re in some type of alternate reality. Yet when you look around, people are continuing their day-to-day hustle as if nothing ever happened. They’re not doing it to be cruel though. They simply don’t know.

Everyone’s experience losing a parent is going to be different. Just like every human is unique, every relationship and situation will have its own nuances too. Was it a close, loving relationship or just the opposite? Was the death sudden or somewhat expected? Did they live out what we consider a full and happy life or were they gone far too early?

My dad and I were very close. We talked about almost anything, sometimes for hours on end. He was an incredible man who modeled Jesus to me and to others. I’m thankful to have had such a great relationship with a loving father for as long as I did because I realize that’s certainly not a given. In some ways, this made things easier because I didn’t have a lot of regrets regarding our relationship. In other ways, it made losing him that much harder because there was such a huge hole after he was gone. 

Something that I don’t know if I’ve ever really talked about before was an event that happened the evening after my dad left this earth. My husband, sister, and I went for a walk around the neighborhood. There were some kids riding their bikes, and as we got closer we witnessed one kiddo take a pretty brutal wipe out. We rushed over to help. Although he seemed alright other than a few nasty scrapes and being a little distraught from the spill, we made sure he got home safely. For a brief moment, I was able to get outside of my own mind which was already replaying the events of the day. It’s strange, but in a way, it was like God was saying that there is hope—even purpose—in the pain.

It’s been over five years since my dad’s been gone, and I still have moments when the grief suddenly hits so hard. Like when I think about how my daughters will never get to meet their Grandpa Mike here on earth. Or when I have a tricky theology question I want to discuss. Or when something in our house breaks and I remember how much my dad loved to help his family any way he could. I still miss him so very much, but thanks to God’s grace, things have gotten a lot better.

I’ve seen how God is able to work through our heartache and bring healing when and where we need it the most. We live in a broken world, and although God doesn’t want us to hurt, He can take our brokenness and use it for good if we let Him in. This is what my dad chose to do basically all of his life. He was sad to leave his family here on earth, but he had so much hope because of God’s promise of eternity in heaven for those who believe. 

Each one of us can have the same kind of confident assurance my dad had if we choose to put our faith in Jesus. Because of what Jesus did on the cross, I am confident that I will be reunited with my dad again someday. I believe that God created humans with a hope for eternity because that is one of many things that can lead us to Him.

Out of everything I love about my dad, I am the most thankful for all the times he pointed me toward our Creator. Our loving, heavenly Father who offers us hope that extends far beyond the grave. A hope that is infinitely greater than anything we could ever ask for or imagine.

“God is able to do far more than we could ever ask for or imagine.” Ephesians 3:20

Amanda is from Minnesota and lives in a suburb of Minneapolis with her husband, Brian, and their two sweet daughters. Quality family time, listening to a good podcast, and sipping coffee with friends are a few of her favorite activities. She has a background working in higher education and ministry, and she enjoys her primary role of supporting her family in the home.

PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

PPS – If you’re ever looking for a devotional on living life while in a waiting season, check out the devotional I co-authored called ‘In the Wait’!

PPPS – Check out the other contributions from this series, including What It’s Like: to experience multiple IVF cycles, raise a child with special needs, use an egg donor, be a DIY-er and home style blogger , be a NICU nurse,  Live fully in singleness while still hoping for marriage, suffer with endometriosis. experience depression, start a company, and have a micro preemie. Stay tuned for many other amazing topics to come every Tuesday and Friday here!

Whooohooo! This week is a big in the infertility community world, as its National Infertility Awareness Week.

There is SO MUCH fun stuff going on this week in order to raise awareness and start Flipping the Script on conversations that are taking place about infertility. To check out some of the stuff I’ve been a part of, you can look here:

• I was honored to be featured on Fertility Bridge’s blog and share a personal and hopefully informative post about how to start changing the conversation that occurs when someone tells you they are struggling with infertility. Education is SUCH a critical piece and I’d love for you to give the article a read and SHARE it!
• I also had a blast taking over their Instagram page on the 25th! There’s still time to check out the stories and also, the posts as part of my take-over!
• I have teamed up with some of my favorite infertility advocates and we are giving away an AWESOME collection of goodies, including a $200 Amazon giftcard! All you have to do is hop over to my Instagram page to enter! (This ends Saturday so don’t delay!)
• Brianna over at The Adventures of a Twin Mom invited me to be her guest blogger for today and you can read that post here!
• My favorite You-Tube vlogger, Carissa, is crushing NIAW with some awesome infertility awareness videos … and you may just recognize yours truly here!
• I am teaming up with Caroline at In Due Time for an awesome collaborative post that runs 4/27 AND her amazing giveaway which is happening right now!
• I also was recognized by Resolve as a 2018 Infertility Social Warrior which is SUCH a great honor. They are my go-to for advocacy, education, and support.

Now let’s talk infertility.

The whole reason I started this blog back in 2012 was simple: we needed to start talking about the “I” word … infertility. There is a significant gap in the conversations that take place about this disease, and yet we know the 1 in 8 couples will face a struggle with either infertility or secondary infertility at some point in their lives. This isn’t just people who waited to long to start a family, these are couples who are young and old, have a variety of incomes, lifestyles, jobs, and faiths. And yet, despite the fact that it’s a disease, we are seeing significant barriers that still stand in the way to get care. The costs are excruciating and yet only 15 states require insurance companies to cover it. For those that don’t cover it? We are talking at least $20,000 for a single IVF cycle.

And the affects of infertility? Well, it doesn’t just crush the couple themselves, but its grips touch many parts of their lives. The themes I have experienced and see around me in others who are struggling are clear.

Infertility affects marriages. Medical bills. Treatments. Timed intercourse. All of those raging hormones resulting in mood swings. Heartache. Trying to cope. Navigating in-law dynamics and how supportive (or unsupportive) the family is. I am happy to say that many times, infertility can bring a marriage closer, but only was communication was made a top priority and grace was given freely during all of the emotional swings. For us, our marriage first and foremost had to be rooted on Jesus and even then, infertility challenged our faith and taught us so much.

And sadly, not every marriage makes it. The conversations go from being calm to erupting. Disagreements take place on when treatments should stop. People process miscarriages differently. Words are said. Hurt sets in. Resentment takes root. And it breaks my heart when I hear of these stories, but the truth is, marriages become a causality of infertility.

Infertility affects friendships. The way your friends handle your infertility makes or breaks a friendship. At times, friends fear saying the wrong thing and that silence builds and becomes unbearable. Resentment sets in – don’t they care!? – and you are left feeling isolated. Friendships are tested when someone else gets pregnant. Emotions like guilt seep in, creating division. And let’s not forget the social interaction divide that can happen. Suddenly friendships have to navigate how to handle jealously, bitterness, and resentment. Friendships can easily start to fizzle when intentionality is forgotten. Yes, friendships can also flourish in these seasons. Friends response with sensitivity, love, sympathy, compassion, and care. And perhaps new friendships emerge, based on similar experiences and others begin to validate the heartbreak.

Infertility affects your family. It forces couples who share to become vulnerable, and as a result, potentially grow closer together. However, it can also cause hurt as flippant comments are made. Tension can set in if a set of parents begins to give more attention to the siblings with grandkids and unspoken frustrations can build. A couple now have to learn to communicate their emotions gently and one can only hope its well received.

So how do we flip the script? How do we stop the stigma of silence that surround it? I think

1. Share your story. YES! It’s vulnerable. It’s scary. But it helps break the silence so that someone else can say “me too”. (In fact, that’s what my whole What’s It Like series is aimed to do!
2. Stop putting words into someone else’s mouth and start asking questions. In order for any relationship to survive infertility we have to start empathizing and asking how we can support them during the struggle.
3. Advocate for yourself. Speak up at your doctor’s office. Talk to your Human Resources department about insurance plans. Call your state representative. Get involved in Advocacy Day.
4. Temporarily change your Facebook banner or image to one of these! Get the conversation going. Or start using #NIAW on posts and lets get this topic trending!
5. For those not struggling with infertility, read up on my conversation guide post here on Fertility Bridge for some conversation tips!

What are some other ways you can start talking about infertility and breaking the stigma? I’d love to hear your ideas!

Together we CAN make a difference. No one should have to suffer alone.

I remember the day vividly, the day I found out my friend Holly was giving birth to her son Madden at 26 weeks. Our Instagram community rallied around her and her family, sending encouragement and praying harder than we would imagine praying for someone most of us had never met in person. I am just so thankful for Holly’s willingness to share her story with us today, about what it’s like to have a micro-preemie, a term used micro preemie is a baby who is born weighing at or less than 1 pound, 12 ounces or 26 weeks gestation.

Holly, thank you for sharing your story with us and know how grateful we are to see sweet Madden flourishing today.

They rolled me in a wheelchair into the NICU to get a glimpse of our tiny fighter. I had seen incubators on TV, but never in person before.  A mom sees me in the hall and notices me in my hospital gown and wheelchair and says, “it will get better.” I never saw her but I held on to her words.

They had warned me days before he was born all the things that could go wrong, medical words I’ve never heard. Horrible sounding words, Cerebral Palsy, Brain bleeds, ventilators, blood transfusions, surfactant, NEC. Then the odds. They told me that due to inter-uterine growth restriction, my 26 weeker boy, who had a very ill mother, had 60% chance of survival. They told me this as the magnesium sulfate pour through my veins to keep us both alive. He had to live, he had to beat these odds. He was a miracle to us before he came fighting into this world at a whopping 1 pound, 12 ounces. We had loved him since he was a tiny frozen embryo. I remember when he was born.  It was not the happy moment we had all envisioned. It was a very critical emergency, very late at night when the call was made that I could die by morning if they continued to keep me pregnant. I cried when they told me I’d have to deliver.

I got a glimpse of my tiny baby, who resembled a baby bird more than he did a baby. He was so small. They told me he had cried but it sounded almost like a kitten. He was whisked away, intubated and given surfactant for his lungs. He was put in an incubator where he would spend the next few months, truly fighting, growing and amazing all of us.

The next few months would be the rollercoaster we were promised. Some days I truly felt the staff didn’t know if we would take him home. Yet slowly, Madden grew bigger, was weaned of the ventilator, feeding tube, and oxygen. He fought serious infections such as necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC). He had multiple blood transfusions. He’d come off the ventilator only to need it again and again.

What nobody told me about having a micro preemie was the NICU nurses and doctor will become your family and best support. They will pray with you and weep with you. They will lift you up when you are weak. They are truly angels on earth nurturing these helpless small babies.

They never tell you that when you bring your baby home you won’t need to read any books or manuals that you will know your child backwards and forwards from your extremely long stay (117 days for us!) and they will even come on a schedule.

That every ounce and pound will be celebrated. We even celebrated maddens 100th day of life, even with a full beard of cotton and cane! We made the best memories in that NICU room.

They say the beeping will haunt you, but to me that sound will always be his heart and lungs were still working against all odds.

My son is now a very normal healthy 3 year old. He wears glasses, is small for his age , and has asthma but all things may be attributed to his prematurity or hereditary. He may outgrow these issues as well. He has a spirit as big as life and watching this miracle every day is not lost on us.

The best advice I’d give to a new micro preemie mom is to never give up on your baby. Be there as much as possible to do skin to skin, sing, and advocate for your baby. Sometimes all I could do was hold his hand. I think that may have made all the difference.

It’s truly the most amazing thing I hope you never have to see.

Holly is from Ohio, is a full-time working mom doing tactical operations in a large bank, and proudly is the mother to her son Madden who was her IVF and micropreemie miracle boy. You can connect with her on Instagram at @m_is_for_miracle. 

PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

PPS – If you’re ever looking for a devotional on living life while in a waiting season, check out the devotional I co-authored called ‘In the Wait’!

PPPS – Check out the other contributions from this series, including What It’s Like: to experience multiple IVF cycles, raise a child with special needs, use an egg donor, be a DIY-er and home style blogger , be a NICU nurse,  Live fully in singleness while still hoping for marriage, suffer with endometriosis. experience depression, and start a company. Stay tuned for many other amazing topics to come every Tuesday and Friday here!

Spring has FINALLY come to Minnesota! As I write this, this time last week we got 21 inches of snow. GULP. But today the sun is shining and I am giddy about the promise of warmer weather coming our way. Sit back and enjoy all of my April Crushes!

1. Starbucks Cold Foam Cascara Cold Brew: My local Starbucks crew knew I would love this and gave me a sneak peek at their new cold foam last week and OH MY GOSH IS IT AMAZING. The cold foam is frothed cold instead of hot and creates the smoothest, creamiest texture ever. Bonus, you can get the cold foam on ANY drink. Just be warned if it’s a cold drink, they will serve it in a special strawless lid so you can enjoy the cold foam fully. Try it, it’s delicious. (My fave is either the iced cappuccino or the cold brew.)
2. Pressing Pause: 100 Quiet Moments for Moms to Meet with Jesus: I recently started this devotional (by Proverbs 31 Ministries) and LOVE IT. It’s s imple but meaty, has a reflection question or two and a few short lines to engage. Totally Bible-centered and totally doable for a busy mom. This would make an AWESOME Mother’s Day gift for someone or a special investment in yourself! For those not quite in the motherhood season yet, I highly recommend Encouragement for Todaywhich is a similar book for women in any season of life.
3. Absolute New York Nano Eyeliner: I love liquid liners, but don’t love how thick they can be, especially for daytime wear. I LOVE this eyeliner because its ULTRA-THIN which means I get to control how it goes on. It’s super easy to apply seamlessly and stays put all day. Even better, it’s only $8.
4. Ipsy: Every year for my birthday, my mom gets me another year subscription to Ipsy. My mom and sister also have a subscription and every month, we get together and go around in a circle and open our bags together. What’s Ipsy? Well, its a subscription service where for $10 a month (less if you prepay a year), you get 5 travel or full size beauty products to try. You can review them online afterwards for extra points and get freebies from your points. It’s been one way I have found some of my favorite hair, nail, and beauty products. It’s super fun and a great way to try new things and also, pamper yourself or a friend a bit! Use my link above if you sign up and then pass along your own referral link to get some bonus points!
5. This Creamy Chicken Basil Thighs recipe: This is a low carb dream! Josh and I ate it the other night and he said he was trying to decide if he wanted to eat it faster and continue to burn his mouth, or wait a little longer. He burnt his mouth haha! It is rich however, served over some streamed broccoli or zucchini noodles really cuts it down. SO GOOD and SO easy!

• 2-3 Pounds Boneless Skinless Chicken Thighs or chicken breasts
• 1 8 ounce Block of Cream Cheese softened
• 1 Tablespoon Butter
• 1/2 Cup Chicken Broth
• 1/2 Cup Heavy Whipping Cream
• 1/4 Cup grated Parmesan cheese (think the green can kind)
• 1/4 Teaspoon mineral salt (or kosher salt)
• 1/4 Cup Fresh Chopped Basil lightly packed (our store was sold out, so I did the basil in a tube kind and it was perfect. Equal amount to fresh)
• Garlic Powder to taste (I used about 1/2 tsp)

1. Season chicken on both sides with garlic powder. We used chicken thigh because they were on sale and we love them!
2. In a dutch oven or oven-safe skillet, brown chicken with a small amount of oil. Don’t worry about cooking it through, just get a little golden color on each side! Don’t over crowd the pan, do 2 batches if you need to. Think 2-3 minutes per side while the pan is on high.
3. After the thighs come out, drain off an remaining oil and then in the same pot, melt softened cream cheese and butter. Whisk with a whisk until smooth.
4. Add chicken broth, whipping cream, Parmesan, and salt to cream cheese mixture. Add chopped fresh basil to sauce and stir until combined.
5. Add the chicken back to the sauce pan and throw in a 400 degree oven for about 40-45 minutes.
6. When done, enjoy! Always check your chicken is at least 165 degrees.

Optional – if you would rather do this all on the stove, simply fully cook your chicken first before making the sauce.

Now, here are the kiddos favorite things this month! (11 month olds)

1. Indestructibles books: We love to read books. And we also love to chew, rip, and gnaw on books. These books are super reasonable (a bunch are under $5) and completely 100 percent baby-proof, chew-proof, rip-proof, and drool-proof. They can be wiped down, thrown in the dishwasher or washing machine and chewed on and won’t be damaged! We love them! I linked this to the Baby Faces one, as the kids think this one is funny (I have no idea why, but whenever I say stinky on one of the pages, they laugh. How do they know what stinky means already!?) But we have about 5-6 of them and they all are SO cute.
2. Gund Baby Noah’s Ark: The kids got this to share for Easter and love it! We have so much fun opening the ark and pulling out 5 different animals. It’s great because each of the animals “does” something (crinkle, squeak, make a sound) and then we put them all back in and close the door … and then open the door and do it all over again. They are soft and it’s great for working on coordination!
3. Dry Scalp Brush and Comb:Logan gets a dry scalp from time to time and I am so glad I was introduced to this bush and comb set. It’s a couple of bucks and when I wash his hair in the tub, I gently massage his scalp with the brush side and then after I rinse his hair, I use the comb side. He doesn’t mind whatsoever and it has really helped!

And now, time for some FUNNIES! Have a great weekend friends!

This post contains affiliate links which provide me with a small commission when you make a purchase through those links. The profits go to the support of my family and this blog. Thank you!

If there is ever a couple that is slaying in launching a company, its my friends (and bosses!) Deborah and Jake. They started FertilityIQ a handful of years ago and truly are two of the hardest working people I know. I am excited to have Deborah sharing with us today what it’s like to start a company! This woman is ROCKING the mom, wife, co-founder thing like a champ. I admire her heart for the infertility community and her brains to make all of this spin. Enjoy reading what it’s like to start a company! Thanks for sharing Deb … especially with a newborn at home!

Terrifying, exciting, tiring, fulfilling. There are a lot of conflicting words that come to mind when someone asks me what it’s like to start a company.

I think back to the very beginning of when my husband Jake and I decided to start our company, FertilityIQ. We were fired up—we felt like there was a problem that had to be fixed ASAP, and knew it wouldn’t happen on its own.

We were in between fertility doctors, and in the midst of trying to find our third doctor. I’ll never forget our last call with our doctor – it was meant to be a 15 minute phone discussion about my recent miscarriages. He hadn’t read my updated chart (though I had confirmed it was received by his office at least 3 times), but with no information in front of him he confidently declared “if you keep trying to get pregnant on your own you’re going to have 10 more miscarriages.” The call lasted all of 4 minutes, but I still saw the $350 charge come though on my credit card.

We were desperate for better information ourselves, and to help other patients in our shoes avoid infuriating and depressing interactions like this in the future. While we had talked about starting FertilityIQ for months before, that was the very moment that pushed us over the edge to start it.

At that moment we felt so passionate about changing the state of fertility care we promised not to let anything stand in our way. In the next few months we saw a lot of late nights and early mornings. In this phase of imagining and starting a company, we needed to be creative in thinking of how we would tackle the problems we wanted to solve, work hard to narrow the funnel of ideas and focus, then execute.

In starting a business, it immediately becomes obvious that nothing happens on its own. And doing the stuff is usually not glamorous. At all.

In those early months, we decided the first problem we wanted to work on was how people researched and selected their fertility doctor. But we had only lived our unique set of experiences, and we wanted to build something that could help all fertility patients. And it’s not exactly like we had a pre-existing mental registry of everyone we knew who needed fertility treatments. So this left us to the incredibly awkward task of reaching out to just about everyone we’ve ever met and… asking if they had done fertility treatments. Or if their sister had. Or any of their friends. And talking to every single person who would make the time so we could understand the details of treatment for someone who had used donor sperm, or who froze eggs before cancer treatment, or who lived in a different geography, or who was working with a different budget, and on and on. This is just one tiny example, but my point is, every small step forward means you’ve probably logged a ton of hours leading up to it.

Another thing that becomes glaringly apparent with starting any business – I wish it wasn’t, but money is important, and it’s something you need to examine honestly. How are you going to support the business, and how are you going to support yourself? How much money can you dedicate to the business, or do you plan to bring in outside money? Just how much discomfort are you willing to tolerate?

We knew that we wanted to start FertilityIQ with our own money, so that we would be able to set the vision for the company independently. And, while we do think of it as a company that will one day sustain itself financially, we’ve made the decision to be very (very, very) patient with our approach. Which means it’s been a whopping 3 years since we’ve seen a salary (and I sometimes reminisce about what it was like when money just magically showed up every two weeks in our checking account). We planned for that and were willing to accept the tradeoffs going in, but just know that #entrepreneurlife isn’t as glamorous as Instagram can make it seem.

But, there are also serious upsides. First off, I’m working on something I’m passionate about and believe in 100%, and there’s really no substitute for that. Starting and running FertilityIQ has been fulfilling in a way that’s hard to describe, because I’m constantly hearing from people who are using the products we’ve worked so hard on who feel like their lives are positively impacted. (Don’t get me wrong – we hear negative feedback too, but one thing I had to learn very early on as a founder was not to let the haters get the best of me. If there are kernels of constructive negative feedback, I certainly take time to absorb that, but I try very hard not to absorb incoming anger. Good news is, this is very rare!)

Another positive that’s important to me is that I have more control over my schedule than I otherwise might at a regular job. This doesn’t mean I’m taking it easy or racking up lots of vacation time (I wish – it’s actually the complete opposite!). But it does mean that I got to choose to locate our offices close to where I live, and close to where our kids play during the day – so my “coffee” breaks can actually be quality time I spend with the babies. And they’ve come along for the ride on more than their share of work trips.

So, is starting a company easy? Absolutely not. Nothing is guaranteed, and nothing happens on its own without a lot of thought and hard work. But building something I’m proud of has been an adventure that’s been more than worth it!

Deborah is the co-founder of FertilityIQ along with her husband Jake. She’s the proud mama of Lazer (2) and Yara (4 weeks!). Deborah lives in San Francisco where she can usually be found hiking and eating her way through farmers markets. You can check out her website at www.fertilitiq.com, on Facebook, and connect with her on instagram at @fertilityiq.

PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

PPS – If you’re ever looking for a devotional on living life while in a waiting season, check out the devotional I co-authored called ‘In the Wait’!

PPPS – Check out the other contributions from this series, including What It’s Like: to experience multiple IVF cycles, raise a child with special needs, use an egg donor, be a DIY-er and home style blogger , be a NICU nurse,  Live fully in singleness while still hoping for marriage, suffer with endometriosis and experience depression. Stay tuned for many other amazing topics to come every Tuesday and Friday here!

Today’s “What It’s Like” post is vulnerable, relate-able and so important. It’s about what it’s like to struggle with depression. A word we hear often but still look away from, a word that needs to have the stigma about it broken. I am so thankful for my friend Ashley Morgan Jackson for sharing her experience with depression today and encourage you to reach out for help and support if this is something you struggle with. Thank you Ashley for sharing.

Here’s what its like to experience depression. 

I watched as my husband closed the door to our bedroom for the night, I hated to admit it to myself, but it was the best part of my day. It felt like relief. He would be taking care of our newborn all night and allowing me to sleep. He would then get up and go to work the next day and I would do my best to not feel worthless and care for our baby all day.

The guilt alone could crush anyone. The voices in my head never stopped, “What kind of mother are you? What kind of wife? You are horrible at this! You are such a failure! What a joke! A lot of good all those verses are doing you now!” Like an inner committee of voices sent to mock me relentlessly, but they all sounded just like me.

I had no idea what was wrong with me, why I felt like this. I felt desperately tired, sad, irritable and sometimes, just crazy. I boiled it all down to the fact that I just wasn’t cut out to be a mother, that was certainly what the evidence pointed to. Mothers were tired, they sucked it up and got on with life. Having a baby was hard, why was I being such a whiner! Suck it up, Ashley!

With every portion of strength, I could muster I would gather him up with all his baby belongings and drive myself over to my parents. I wanted to scream, “help me! Take him, hold him! I can’t do this. I’m scared, someone save me!” But instead I would act normal and feel somewhat like a zombie, going through the motions, but inwardly everything was screaming for relief. Instead of asking for help I became bitter and resentful no one would help me, bitter that I couldn’t pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with it.

What I didn’t realize was that I was in full fledged postpartum depression. I had no tools to recognize it and didn’t seek help until almost 2 years later. What I didn’t know was that yes, motherhood was hard, but what I was experiencing in my body made it impossible. The extremes of my emotions were out of control, I began having anxiety attacks in public, I started believing my family would be better off without me.

Anger presided over my life because all I did was talk in mean and demeaning ways to myself and then lableled them other people’s thoughts. What I wanted was to be saved from this. It felt as though I was drowning but everyone around me simply swam by and waved. The problem was they didn’t know how bad it was, because I was always able to wave back.

Depression isn’t like a broken leg, where everyone can see what it is that causes you the issue. You can move along in life in a perceived as “normal” fashion because birthdays and vacations and holidays are still happening. You feel dead inside, but you have to keep on living. It’s scary and lonely and isolating and as a Christian, I didn’t understand why all my knowledge and Bible verses weren’t working.

I just wanted to get back to what I knew, get back into church, just serve like I always had. I was lost and afraid and I wanted someone to tell me I was OK, I was valuable, I was worth something. That place had always been church for me. But no matter how hard I tried to serve and pour out and connect, it was like wringing a rock. I had nothing to give because I was refusing to receive. I believed to receive I had to earn it and that was now impossible for me.

Years later, as the depression clung to me, and had become my new identity, I sent a text to my family crying out for help. It was dripping with anger, bitterness, pain and self-loathing, I thought it was a cry for help. I sent it to my parents, all my siblings and all their spouses, ten in all, and not one person responded to me. My soul was crushed, my anger and hurt intermingled raged “well maybe they will care at my funeral!”

But as I reeled from that experience God broke through it all and whispered to me in my spirit, “Ash, they can’t save you and I will no longer let them try. I am your Savior from more than just hell. Let me be your Savior from this as well.” From the “good Christian girl” with all the answers, helping those poor people that needed saving, I realized, I was that person. I was the one that desperately needed saving and I did not have any strength, good enough answers or solutions, just my mess, and that was all He wanted.

He taught me that I didn’t have to take this anymore, and the first thing I had to do was take my thoughts captive. If He wouldn’t say it about me, I wasn’t allowed to think it about me. When you become aware of how mean you have been to yourself and how often you think awful thoughts about yourself and others, it’s an uphill climb for sure.

It didn’t become better over night. With His help I learned to fight and clawed my way out of years of lies I lived with. To be honest the struggle had defined me for so long and brought me comfort somehow and to let go of it was to let God redefine me. That felt scary and risky, but He likes to ask, “Do you want to get well?”, and after a lot of fighting, I decided, I did.

Through medication, counseling, and learning to believe truth the Lord brought me out of that season. For me, it was more than just depression and anxiety, it was God’s way of teaching me grace and the power of who He really is. Not a cute churchy version of Him that I kept in a nice orderly box that I defined, but the God who gets down into your muck with you and says, “I love you, let’s get out of here.”

Ashley Morgan Jackson is a wife, mother, and warrior of the Spirit. Her greatest passion is to see women fall more in love with Jesus, His Word and let Him change them until it encompasses every aspect of their lives. When she’s not sharing devotions on Instagram you might find her lifting weights, drinking (another) cup of coffee, having a dance party with her family, or listening to podcasts while she cleans her house. 

You can connect with Ashley online at her blog, AshleymorganJackson.com, on Instagram at @ashley.morgan.jackson, on Twitter @ashleyMJackson, and on Facebook.

PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

PPS – If you’re ever looking for a devotional on living life while in a waiting season, check out the devotional I co-authored called ‘In the Wait’!

PPPS – Check out the other contributions from this series, including What It’s Like: to experience multiple IVF cycles, raise a child with special needs, use an egg donor, be a DIY-er and home style blogger , be a NICU nurse,  Live fully in singleness while still hoping for marriage and  suffer with endometriosis. Stay tuned for many other amazing topics to come every Tuesday and Friday here!