I’m dabbling. In everything. Barely entering into life outside motherhood and when I do, I feel scattered and unsteady. The world around me has shifted so significantly. I stumble into each day with utter delight, bursting at the ability to be a mom one more day. We go through our routines. Diapers. Giggles. Bottles. Playtime. Breakfast. Naps. My hours are like a giant groundhogs day and I adore it. I know what to expect for the most part. When the end of the day comes and the last kiss has been given, prayers have been said, and Josh and I stumble into the kitchen to start dinner, we are exhausted. Full hearts, but utterly wiped.

Tomorrow I do it all over again. And throughout the days, I get little reminders of the life I used to have. Texts from friends asking when we can grab coffee or lunch. Work emails building up, reminding me that I need to hustle during both naps today to catch up. A heart that is screaming to get words onto a computer screen. A desire to sit and have quiet time, pouring into the Scriptures and being fed by a book that craves to be underlined and marked up. Birthday cards that need to be sent, personal emails that need to be returned, family to connect with, and what ever happened to my friends … the list goes on and on and on.

This same list pops into my head at about 9:30 at night, when I am tucked away in bed and trying to fall asleep. Shoot, I never texted her back. Darn, I forgot I wanted to read that chapter today. Gah, I really need to get that article written. Urph, I need to return that phone call. 

The other night the list of non-mom stuff made me feel like I needed to take a giant time-out from life and sneak away to a hotel to have a full week of productivity. One day I could schedule back to back to back coffees and phone dates – reconnect with my people. Another day I could sit in silence, then listen to worship music and pour over the Word. Another day I could sit in a coffee shop and write and write and write. Maybe even start that next book that has been brewing in my heart. Another day I could catch up on work stuff, feeling like I am on top of things. I. Just. Need. Time. (Don’t even get me started on the baby books that never got done, errrr, started, or the first birthday party that needs to be planned. I sent invitations, now what!?)

And here’s the thing I am realizing – that time isn’t going to happen. I can’t sneak off without sacrificing time with my kids and while that’s totally okay to do, my dream of a week away to play catch up is only going to pause the problem, not solve it. And so here I sit, wondering how in the world do I balance all the parts of me that are trying to find a place in this new world I am living in.

I have no answers. But I know I am probably not alone.

Being a stay-at-home mom is amazing and exhausting, euphoric and tedious. The days mainly look the same, partially because my kids do wonderful on a schedule, which means we don’t venture out too much. But I miss my people, my tribe too. We shuffle to MOPS and BSF, grateful for both, but missing my 1:1 time with people. I used to have time to have lengthy conversations with friends, or text talk, or 3 hours coffee dates, and now, well, when a free minute comes my way, I am either working, cleaning, or trying to prepare for the next session of the day. My social life is quieter than ever before. I weigh commitments with a brutally small scope of tolerance. Gone are the “yes’s” to make someone happy.

I love working too. It stimulates my brain and I am thankful for a job with FertilityIQ that allows me to work during nap times, and doesn’t require me to take time away from being a mom. I like checking things off a list and feeling like I got something results-focused done.

Finding my new rhythm is messier than I thought it would be. It’s disorienting. I am utterly fulfilled with motherhood and completely thrown off my tracks at what makes me who I am. I can barely find the time to return a phone call to the people I care about deeply. Going out after the kids go to sleep sounds fun in theory until 7 pm hits and I am cross-eyed. I see pictures of mom’s doing stuff online and I wonder HOW they do it? I am still in the season where sacrificing sleep doesn’t seem realistic.

I’m learning about priorities but even then, some of my inner circle priorities are taking a hit. And so, I stumble on, admiring the mom’s who have their nails painted and their play dates mapped out and their blogging calendar planned. I wish someone could tell me how to figure it all out.

So, here’s to the women who are spinning around like me. The women who get their hair cut twice a year because there just isn’t enough time in the day. The women who feel like they are failing their friendships because they forget to reply, or follow through on that promise for coffee. The women who didn’t get out of sweat pants for 3 days in a row. The women who peppered her children with kisses while singing worship songs to the radio because that’s the only quiet time she’s going to get today. The women who fall into bed like a heap and the women who feel like they are being swallowed by to-do’s.

The only thing that’s holding me stable right now is reminding myself that my days aren’t a surprise to God. He sees the in’s and out’s and is with me through it all. I know I need to get better at surrounding myself with balance. Right now I just need to admit I can’t do it all and if you are feeling the same, you aren’t alone.

God is faithful to pick us back up when we are exhausted or overwhelmed. I keep seeing the pattern in scripture of how He cares for His children – He typically provides them sleep/rest, food, a sign of who He is, and provides them with someone to do life with.

But for now, this momma has no clue how to balance her life. I don’t want to miss a moment of their little lives, yet I have no idea how to fit in everything that keeps me sane, flourishing, and mentally healthy. If you have any advice or guidance, I would love to hear it! Until then, know I’m grateful to have giggling children who know they’re loved and if that’s all I accomplish today, I am totally okay with that.

And all of this said, I would rather dabble and feel a little wobbly a hundred times over than not be in these shoes. These precious shoes of motherhood are the greatest gift in the world. If you are still in the wait, please hear me when I say I know you would give anything to feel disoriented from motherhood. I wish that for you too. Keep the faith that if the desire is still burning in your heart, God is not done working yet. Much love.

being silly before bedtime … can you tell who my non-stop mover is?! :)

11 months!

Darling Kirsten Joy, you are our everything. Your smile is the best thing in our day and your giggle makes us melt like a puddle. You love to clap. You clap when your brother sneezes, when Cali barks, and when Mom gives you lunch. You especially love to clap for yourself and I adore the confidence you have in who you are. I hope that never changes. You are crawling like crazy this month, bravely trying new thing and enjoying watching your brother investigate everything. You wake up in the morning with the biggest smile and whenever I lift the shades and say “Thank you Jesus for giving us another day!” you squeal a song of worship. You sing constantly, don’t like when your brother touches you without your initiation, and will gobble down whatever is on your plate. You are sweet and sassy and full of spice. You are our precious Baby K, our Honey Bear, our Sissy, our answer to prayer.

Mister Logan Adam, our little adventurer. You nearly never stop and when you do, it’s only to cuddle or read a book with dad. You love to learn new things, observing first then diving in 110%. You will keep trying something until you figure it out. You are curious, single-sighted and full of determination. You love to be thrilled and your dad is the perfect match for you. Racing around on a car, twirling on a blanket, being thrown in the air …. you squeal and concentrate and laugh, quite proud of your dare-deviled behavior. You crawl everywhere, visiting me in the kitchen when I’m cooking you a meal, stopping by Cali’s dishes to see if anything is down for you to splash in, and do your best to find something new to look at. Your grin shivers through your whole body and you scrunch up your face with delight. We swoon every time. Your joy gives us joy. You love to be tickled under your chin and throw your head back as an offering. You are 100% boy and we adore our life with you. You are our Bog-Man, our Boggie, our Logster and the reason our hearts beat.

Oh, where can I start with today’s post? First of all, let’s talk about the author, my friend Ashley Tramm. This girl has been such a blessing to my life! Not only does she live just a town over, but she has blessed our family with so much over the course of our friendship. Meals to the door, coffee dates, baby shower celebrations … she’s SUCH a gift to me. And I am so thankful for her opening up today on our What’s It’s Like series to share her experience with an endometriosis diagnosis. I know many of those reading can relate and I know her story will encourage you, and also, if you can’t relate, help you understand this disease a little better. Ashley, thank you for sharing!

And now, sit back and read What It’s Like to Suffer With Endometriosis. 

“Tubes are clear, I don’t think you have endometriosis. Why don’t we try clomid?” said  Dr. Let’s Try Throwing Something At Wall and See if it Sticks.  Frustration welled in my throat and the tears began to stream. “It’s OK, just go to Target and look at all the misbehaving kids and just enjoy walking the aisles of Target alone.” Yes, those were the exact words from my OBGYN. Her bedside manner was truly impeccable.

Finally, as a thirty-two year old, we are a family of three. We tried for nearly four years before we had our miracle girl, Madeline Elizabeth in our arms. Our journey has been laden with trials, suffering, longing, hoping and praying, and by God’s good grace we now have our precious daughter.

I will share a sliver of our journey, but I will primarily focus on what it is like to live with endometriosis (endo). It’s a disease that is not frequently talked about, yet 1 in 10 women in the United States are living with this fire inside of them. And not a energetic, go get-em fire. Worldwide, 176 million women are dealing with this disease that affects daily life. Those are staggering numbers, and in 2018, there is still no cure.

According to the Endometriosis Foundation symptoms of endo include:

• “Killer cramps”
• Long periods
• Heavy menstrual flow
• Bowel and urinary disorders
• Nausea and/or vomiting
• Pain during sexual activities
• Infertility
• Chronic fatigue

But really, the Endo Foundation didn’t need to tell me this. Most of the above are part of my daily life, especially around that time of the month. In our story, my endometriosis included years of infertility.

Just for reference, the clomid that Dr. Impeccable Bedside Manner prescribed didn’t work. I found a new doctor. I explained our journey, years of trying and no baby, my HSG came back and my tubes were clear, so I can’t have endometriosis, can I? She advised to undergo a laparoscopy. That really is the only tried and true way to determine and diagnose endo.

So five belly scars later, I slowly woke from my anesthesia. She determined that I did indeed have a horrible case of endometriosis that had spidered all over my reproductive organs and bowels. She advised another removal surgery in six months, and recommended Lupron, a monthly shot that would put me into pseudo-menopause. Which basically means that the option to continue trying for a baby was off the table.

I was hopeful, but heavy-hearted. I was thankful for a diagnosis that seemed to take one to many years. It felt freeing in one sense to finally know the underlying cause of my infertility, as well as a reason for the pain that I had been dealing with since middle school.

So what exactly is endometriosis?

Basically in broken-down terms, the tissue from inside your uterus grows outside the uterus, and when the hormones are released upon your menstrual cycle, the tissue sheds, but it has nowhere to go. Thus creating a web of scar tissue and essentially one big fat mess. There has been evidence of uterine tissue in the lungs and brains of some women. It can grow outside the fallopian tubes causing blockage (that is why the first doc thought I didn’t have endo due to my tubes being clear). It can also grow around the ovaries causing damage to the eggs. It is the disease of nightmares for women desiring to grow a family, and we haven’t even touched on the knife-daggering pain that it causes.

Back in the doctor’s office for my post-op appointment, I waited on the first shot of Lupron. I called my husband frantically, and said “I can’t do it. Can we get a second opinion?” The nurse came in with the “menopause on a tray”, and I kindly declined the shot and said I would have to come back at a later time. It felt as if I would be putting our journey towards a baby on a major halt if I went through with it.

I ended up Googling and researching the top doctors in Minnesota for dealing with endometriosis. He sat with my husband for over an hour discussing the disease and all possible options. He recommended skipping the Lupron and heading straight into an excision surgery. One month later, I was under the knife again, but this time in the hands of a trusted and compassionate expert.

After that surgery, my pain nearly dissipated. My periods were lighter, and more manageable. I felt confident in the next leg of our journey towards pregnancy.

My number one takeaway through this experience is that if you suspect that you have endometriosis, and your doctor advises a laparoscopy to diagnose, find an endometriosis specialist to do your surgery first. I underwent my first lap, and there was no tissue removed, and it was an expensive and painful surgery, and then I had to undergo another invasive surgery right away. Most regular OBGYNs don’t have the expertise to truly excise the endo. Do your research and find the best darn specialist in your area.

While there is no cure, several things have helped manage my endo:

• Acupuncture – my insurance covered the procedures due to my diagnosis
• Diet – A diet free of caffeine, red meat, deep-fried can alleviate flare-ups (Umm this is really hard, and I will admit that I still need my coffee)
• Exercise – Help with pain and bloating
• Community – supportive family and friends are crucial when dealing

I must remain hopeful that a cure will be found to help millions of women suffering.  Life with endometriosis is a roller coaster, but finding a network of support is key. For all the women out there who may be suffering, please feel free to reach out if you have any questions. I am more than happy to be a resource!

Helpful Resources

• The Endometriosis Foundation
  • Helpful information and resources to find trusted doctors
• My Endometriosis Team
  • A social support system where you can reach out to others who suffer with endo
• Endometriosis News
  • Articles and helpful resources on endometriosis

1. https://www.endofound.org/endometriosis

Ashley Tramm is the joyful mother of one year old Madeline Elizabeth and wife of Matt. They reside in St. Paul, Minn. Ashley worked as a reporter, and most recently a content marketer, but is now home with her daughter, but does freelance marketing on the side. She loves connecting with mamas, exploring the Twin Cities, and DIY home projects. She would love to connect over the web about any topics related to endo, infertility, or new mama questions at ashleytramm@gmail.com. You can connect with Ashley on Instagram as well at @ashtram. 

PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

PPS – If you’re ever looking for a devotional on living life while in a waiting season, check out the devotional I co-authored called ‘In the Wait’!

PPPS – Check out the other contributions from this series, including What It’s Like: to experience multiple IVF cycles, raise a child with special needs, use an egg donor, be a DIY-er and home style blogger, be a NICU nurse, and Live Fully in Singleness While Still Hoping for Marriage! And stay tuned for many other amazing topics to come every Tuesday and Friday here!

Today’s “What It’s Like” post resonates deeply with me, as I have walked through and continue to walk through, seasons of life with girlfriends who are waiting for “The One”. My dear friend Katie Hilbert beautifully shares her heart in today’s post, What It’s Like To: Live Fully in Singleness While Still Hoping for Marriage, and helps me better empathize and pray for those girlfriends in my life in similar shoes. Katie, thank you for being open and vulnerable. I can’t wait to see how God’s story continues. If you are in ANY waiting season, you are going to find her words incredibly inspiring. 

And now, enjoy What It’s Like To: Live Fully in Singleness While Still Hoping for Marriage.

A few weeks ago, I sat across from a friend at my little dining room table, coffees in hand (of course), talking about life, faith, callings, and building God’s Kingdom from wherever we are. At one point in our conversation, my friend looked at me and said she thought I was living a wonderful and full life for the Lord. She saw God’s work in all I was doing. And she celebrated where I was and the opportunities He had given me.

Her words meant so much to me, because sometimes, as a single woman, one of the greatest challenges I face is devaluing where I’m at in life and what God is doing in and through me. I haven’t hit the major milestones our culture puts so much emphasis on – milestones I long for — like getting married and having kids — and so it’s easy to compare what God is doing in my life to others’ lives and feel both left behind and lacking purpose.

But I am realizing that no one season or calling has more value than another when our hearts are focused on making much of this life for Him. We all have the same call to know Him and build His Kingdom, and realizing that has been bringing me so much freedom.

I’ve also realized that I can both make the most of my singleness and also still hope and pray for marriage. The two are not mutually exclusive. I don’t have to suppress my hopes and dreams for marriage, or be embarrassed by them. And I also don’t have to hinge my life around them.

God’s goodness and character are not dependent upon whether or not He brings me a husband or blesses me with the opportunity to build a family of my own. He is good in my singleness, and if I get married, He will be good then, too.

I love this quote Joy Beth Smith shared in her book Party of One:

“It is a cosmic impossibility for God to shortchange any of His children…I am not single because I am too unstable to possibly deserve a husband, nor because I am too spiritually mature to possibly need one. I am single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is His best for me (Paige Benton Brown).”

As I’ve begun to embrace my purpose here and now in my singleness, recognizing that it is God’s best for me today, I’ve started to feel more freedom and purpose in doing the things He’s called me to do right where I am. Things like creating greeting cards, serving and discipling at an amazing church, growing in my spiritual gifts of teaching and encouragement, and building meaningful relationships with a community of truly wonderful people.

He’s also been teaching me not to wait for “someday,” helping me to see and celebrate the goodness of today. I’ve painted one of my walls blush pink (and created an incredibly girly living room), collected an array of colorful Fiesta dishes (my version of “fine china”), and even started little traditions that make me smile like “frozen-pizza Fridays.”

But this embracing of the present with expectant hope for the future has been and will continue to be an on-going process of surrender.

There are certainly days I feel sick of being single and wonder if it’s even possible that there could be someone out there for me. I’ve trusted in myself more times than I can count and felt the weight of striving, discouragement, and disappointment as I’ve navigated the crazy world of dating (both online and off).

It’s hard to surrender our greatest hopes and desires, trusting that the God who both sees and provides will indeed see us and provide for us in the ways and timing He knows is best.

I love the way Joy Beth Smith captures this complex mix of emotions in Party of One:

“If you’re single, you’re called to be single today, and I will grieve and celebrate that calling with you. We must embrace it. But that doesn’t mean our hearts won’t want more. Own that pain and heartache. Don’t deny it. Don’t push it aside. Sit in it. And then, when you’re able, look up. Find God in the longing.”

In all my wrestling and weariness, in all of my longing, I have found Him again and again, and I’ve watched Him make me both stronger and more dependent on Him. Even when my singleness is hard and heartbreaking, I know God is growing me, being kind to me, and revealing Himself to me in new ways.

In her book Daring to Hope, Katie Davis Majors writes: “Maybe the hardest things make us the best kind of brave and the best kind of ready for all that God has next.”

I’m finding this to be true, little by little. I’m learning that where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going are all opportunities graciously given to know Him more and bring Him glory.

Yes, my life has unfolded in ways I never expected, and yes, my life may not fit culture’s typical “timeline,” but He has shown Himself to be faithful, time and time again.

And I have hope that He’s not done yet. That there’s more to the story than what I can see from where I stand right now.

So, with eyes fixed on Him, I won’t give up hope for marriage, but I won’t miss today either.

Because like Katie Davis Majors also wrote in Daring to Hope, “there is beauty to be found in a life poured out in faithfulness and obedience, no matter the circumstance.”

Single or married, I will continue to pour out my life before Him, being faithful right where I am, while daring to be hopeful for where He might take me from here.

Katie is a Kingdom-building writer, editor, and blogger. She’s almost always reading at least one book (and more often than not two or three). She’s also pretty sure lattes are her love language. You can connect with Katie on her blog www.aplacetodwell.com and on Instagram at @aplacetodwell.

PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

PPS – If you’re ever looking for a devotional on living life while in a waiting season, check out the devotional I co-authored called ‘In the Wait’!

PPPS – Check out the other contributions from this series, including What It’s Like: to experience multiple IVF cycles, raise a child with special needs, use an egg donor, be a DIY-er and home style blogger and be a NICU nurse! And stay tuned for many other amazing topics to come every Tuesday and Friday here!

Today’s “What It’s Like” post hits me in all the feels, as Kirsten and Logan both spent time in the NICU, with incredible nurses caring for them. While our author today wasn’t one of their nurses, I can’t help but wish Jette had had the chance to care for them. Her caring heart and gentleness seep from her words and I hope you join me in praying for her and her husband as they wait to add a baby of their own to their family.

Enjoy reading this feature, what it’s like to be a NICU nurse!

* the story included is fictional, an amalgamation of various interactions over the years and not reflective of a single patient story. All patient confidentiality has been protected.

I walk into work and see her* sitting quietly at her baby’s bedside. As I carefully clean my fingernails, scrubbing like a surgeon in preparation for my time at work, I watch her carefully touch her baby. Maybe they are in an isolette, protected from the world- sights, sounds, smells and temperature controlled precisely. She watches the monitor hanging above the bed, telling us all about her baby’s heartbeat, breathing, and oxygen saturations. The ventilator hums, and when it makes a sudden sound, mama jumps expectantly, looking around to make sure she is okay. This is definitely not what she planned for her sweet babe.

As I get report from your dayshift nurse, I hear her story for the first time in clinical terms and start to translate. A G3P0 delivered for pre-eclampsia, received betamethasone, magnesium sulfate, and recovering from a C-section. What this really means to me: she did everything she could to take care of her baby, to keep her inside where she was safe, but now the baby is here… two months early. She sits with vigilance at her baby’s bed, because there are two babies she’s lost before this little girl arrived.

After report, I come over and introduce myself. I tell her that my plan is to help her baby rest and grow tonight, and to provide the support she needs to oxygenate, digest and maintain her vital signs. I ask if she has any questions or requests, and she shakes her head with a small smile. I ask if you’d like to hold your baby tonight, and her eyes grow wide, half moons staring back at me in the dimmed light. “Are you sure that’s okay? Is that too much for her?” she asks.  “No, she needs to feel you and smell you. And you need her too, mama. You are the best medicine we can give her,” I reply and smile. She looks terrified.

I begin care time, taking her temperature and listening to her heart and lungs. I assess her from head to toe, though it may not look like I’m doing much… I touch her head, I watch how hard she works to breathe, assure she is perfusing her whole body with blood, feel her belly to make sure it is soft. I have mama help me, cupping her head and feet to provide boundaries- helping her to feel safe in this new space, with so much room, almost too much space. We weigh her together, and her husband comes in. He is so excited and nervous, asking protective questions like “does moving her head like that hurt her?” and “be gentle, she’s so tiny”. After close to a decade working in the NICU, I know he needs to be included, supported too- so I reassure him, explaining each step as I go, and assign him jobs as we start to prepare for the transfer from bed to mom. “Now dad, your job is to watch the breathing tube and make sure she doesn’t pull on it. Then you need to make sure mom gets lots of water, and take all the pictures you possibly can.” He looks determined, set to make sure he can do this.

She’s tiny, but not the smallest baby I’ve seen. She’s hearty to me, and I know she’ll do just fine when she’s in mama’s arms. But this is brand new to her mama and we go slow so she will feel safe. She gently holds her body in your arms, and I hold all her IV tubing, the tangled spaghetti wrapped along one arm, and her breathing tube equipment in my other hand, keeping all her lifelines intact. She slowly sits back, and I quickly work around her, straightening and securing, repositioning so the baby is chest-to-chest, heartbeat to heartbeat with her mother. I wrap a blanket over them both, dad is beaming and snapping pictures frantically over mom’s shoulder. Almost in disbelief, she looks up at me. “Is she okay?” she asks, “She is perfect. She’s settling right in. This is exactly where she wants to be. You’ve worked so hard for this, mama. Relax and enjoy your baby”, I respond. Suddenly, dad looks at me with tears in his eyes. “You have no idea how hard we’ve worked for this,” he says, and begins to share the story- the heartbreak, the loss of hope, and unexpected joy when the stick turned pink this time. He talks about the other babies, and you are both crying now. I’m holding back tears, trying to find the right words to express my understanding. “Your other babies are looking down on her now, sending all their love and protection to their sister,” I say, and we all cry now. It is such a special privilege to be a part of this moment in your life, to hold your story in my mind and heart.

Sometimes endings aren’t happy. The grief I carry for that mama, when she leaves with empty arms, is more real than she may ever know. Her cries are seared on my heart; I hear them in my sleep. Long after the tears have fallen, and I’m alone with the body that held her baby for a short time, I bathe them and tell them how loved they were. I say a silent blessing- the same one I say when babies get to go home happy and well: The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face shine on you, and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance on you and bring you peace. I will always hold these memories- her little one is not forgotten. It is an incredibly brutal privilege to be part of the darkest moments in someone’s life, to see the loss and experience grief alongside those who are suffering.

NICU nursing involves science and art, putting together the clinical picture when a baby isn’t “acting right” and figuring out what this little being needs when they can’t use words. I love the mystery, the uniqueness of each patient, blending years of training and experience to provide care. I partner with an incredible team of physicians, nurse practitioners, respiratory therapists and many others to ensure we are caring for the whole being, seeing the big picture and the small details. Who knows how many future teachers, lawyers, mothers, and presidents I’ve cared for in my time at the bedside. Working with families is a joy as I watch them grow together and care for their baby over time. Having a baby in the NICU is scary and unexpected most of the time, and to help a family bond while in an unplanned setting is really rewarding. I know that many families won’t remember my name or what I said, but I hope they remember that I tried to make them feel welcome, at ease and comfortable being parents to their child.

At the end of my shift, I know the work that I do truly matters. I am blessed to share in these moments, and it is worth it every time, to see the miracles unfold and see each family come together. Supporting and caring for these precious babies is a gift to me, and I am so grateful to do this work.

Jette is a NICU nurse who has worked in the Midwest for 7 years. She’s done high acuity NICU transport, administration and everything in between with neonatal intensive care, and is currently in school to become a neonatal nurse practitioner. When she has a free 20 minutes between work and school, she loves hanging with her husband and cats, reading Harry Potter for the thousandth time, and drinking copious amounts of coffee. She and her husband have struggled with infertility for five years, but continue to hope and pray for their dream to come true.   You can connect with Jette on Instagram at @Jettebens.   

PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

I am thrilled today to share with you my friend, Lindsay Dean, or in our house, we just call her Frills and Drills. Lindsay is an INCREDIBLE home style blogger and is my go to for all the decoration questions I have! She patiently helped me design the kiddos nursery and sent me mock up room designs until we picked the perfect items for the room. Her heart is big and her incredible style is drool worthy. I am thrilled she’s sharing her world with us today!

Enjoy reading about what it’s like to be a “Do It Yourself” gal and home style blogger!

Besides the famous “What paint color are your walls?”, the most asked question I get is, “How did you become so handy?”.  Most assume that maybe my dad is handy and taught me or that my husband does the handiwork around here.  The answer is actually neither!  I’m 100% self-taught and have never taken any type of shop or woodworking class.  And to be honest with you, I never intentionally set out to become handy, or a builder, or anything like that.  It all sort of just happened out of necessity.  Because when the budget doesn’t match the wish list, well…ya figure it out!

Let me take you back to 2011 where it all started.  My husband and I had just purchased our first home together and were just a couple young kids fresh out of college with our first jobs.  We had a 4 bedroom home and not nearly enough funds to furnish the entire thing.  We brought all of the furniture we had from our previous 2 apartments and made it work as best as we could.  But like most new homeowners, I was scouring Pinterest seeing lots of great inspiration and gathering grand ideas all of which weren’t exactly cheap.

This.  This is the picture on Pinterest that started it all.  Some of you that know my neutral loving heart may be shocked by this photo, but this is a true story.  It was the inspiration I fell in love with for our guest room.  But the budget for the guest bedroom was basically nonexistent as far as furniture goes.  So this is where I had to get creative.  I reallllly wanted a white headboard and the cheapest thing I could find was at least a couple hundred dollars.  So I decided to make one.  Out of baseboards.  Fourteen dollars worth of baseboard molding later and here’s what I had.

Not bad right?  And yes, only $14!  I used my dad’s mitre saw to cut the baseboard and good ol’ fashioned hammer and nails to attach it to the wall.  Slapped some white paint up to fill it in and wah-lah!  A white headboard!  I had never used any type of saw prior to this, but to save a couple hundred dollars I wasn’t afraid to figure it out!

And then came the dresser.  Here’s what I had:

Again, I wanted a white dresser and had no budget for that.  So I bought a gallon of white furniture paint and got to work!  Never in my life had I painted furniture prior to this.  I bought cute new knobs and here was the result:

After each project I conquered I gained so much confidence.  I also learned a lot.  Did I make mistakes?  Of course.  Did things EVER turn out perfect?  Absolutely not.  But I was adding to my skill set, gaining lots of confidence, having FUN and saving TONS of money along the way.

Fast forward just 2 short years and life had taken us to another city.  We sold our first beloved home and built a new one.  I couldn’t wait to start adding my own personal touches to our otherwise boring, builder grade home.  Just like before, there was no room in the budget to hire out any professional trades to do the upgrades I longed for.  So one of the first projects in our new home that I attacked was this DIY Wainscoting in our front foyer and dining room.

It was a huge hit and thus my blog, www.frillsanddrills.com, was born.  This project looks impressive right?  But it’s exactly the same concept as the headboard.  Just a whole bunch of headboards.  A mitre saw and a nail gun (I upgraded from the hammer ;)) was all it took to achieve this show-stopping look to my home.  My wainscoting tutorial remains my most popular post to this day, having been pinned thousands of time on Pinterest and I couldn’t be more proud.

I continued to try my hand at new projects around our house and documented them along the way.  I installed my own subway tile backsplash in our kitchen, shiplapped my son’s nursery, and even built my own custom, glam closet from scratch just to name a few.  I didn’t have any experience on any of these projects before I jumped head first into them.  I read tutorials online, watched videos on youtube, and asked plenty of questions along the way.  Oh, and caulk.  Caulk hides LOTS of imperfections.  Trust me.

The more I blogged about my projects the more I learned that there is SO much that goes into blogging as well.  You almost have to be a semi-professional photographer, pretty skilled at computers and all the “behind the scenes” parts, and very organized with your time.  It was a lot harder than just hitting ‘share’ on the iPhone photos I snapped along the way.  My hubby bought me a nice camera one year for Christmas and bettering my photography skills has been something I’ve worked on ever since.  I’ve come a long way and learned a lot about blogging, and still have so much more to learn.

My best advice for anyone interested in blogging is to do it because you are passionate about whatever it is you are sharing.  Not because you want to make money or because it’s easy.  It is without a doubt a full time job and the return is very small for a long, long time.  Finding the time to continue tackling projects AND blog them while balancing life and 2 small babies has been a difficult juggling act.  But one I am very thankful to be juggling in the first place.

I’m now 8 years into my accidental DIY hobby, and we are now in our 3rd home together.  My $14 dollar headboard project unveiled a passion inside me I never knew existed.  In our current home I have built our family dining table, our ever so popular TV sideboard and most recently completed this stunning DIY mirror wall in our dining room.  I have plans to add a faux brick accent wall, more tile to our master bathroom, and an update to our master bedroom, and hope you’ll join me for the ride!

Lindsay is a full time wife and mom to 2 baby boys by day, and a part time handy-woman and home decor enthusiast by night.  She love tools, design, accent walls, and all things DIY.  Lindsay shares all her projects, tips and tutorials over at frillsanddrills.com to show that if she can do it, you can too! You connect with Lindsay on her Instagram page @frills_and_drills as well! 

PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

As we continue on our What’s It’s Like series, I am honored to introduce you to my friend Elena today as she opens up and shares her experience with using an egg donor. Elena and I connected on social media ages ago and since then, have been thrilled to cheer one another on through many ups and downs, ultimately celebrating the families we now have. I am excited and thankful for Elena’s willingness to share her story with us today!

Without further ado, here’s what it’s like to use an egg donor!

The short answer for what it’s like to use an egg donor, simply put is, it’s incredible.  But let me rewind a bit and give you a little backstory about our journey and explain why that word describes what egg donation has been like for us.

I was introduced to the word “Infertility” in 2013.  I had of course heard it before, and it had even crossed my mind for the 2 years prior as my husband and I were trying to have a child since 2011 with no luck.  It was word I never knew would have such an impact on my adult life.  A word I never used in my vocabulary before we started TTC [trying to conceive].  A word; a diagnosis, which changed my life forever in ways I never thought possible, even to this day as we continue to build our family.  It brought pain, sadness, jealousy, anger and stress into my life and my marriage.  It robbed me of something that I envied women for, the ability to get pregnant naturally.  It stopped me from being able to advance my career for insurance reasons, it impacted relationships with friends, it cost me time and money—I, like most people, related that word most often to something negative.

But there is one thing that infertility brought into my life that truly outshines all of the negativism associated with it, one thing I never really expected to find, but found in absolute abundance and that is a wonderful community.  Because of this community, a connection was made in my life that at the time, I did not know would turn out to be one of the most valuable relationships I have in my life today.  When this connection first presented itself to me Joe and I were already veterans when it came to fertility treatments.  Not only did we try for 2 years naturally before moving forward with assisted reproduction in late October 2013 we had already been through 2 failed IUI’s, [(one ending in miscarriage), we were in the midst of our 3rd failed fresh, and 3 failed frozen cycles of IVF, and we were at crossroads.  We needed to either stop what we were doing, or try something else.

One day in late December 2015 I got a message on Facebook from a girl named Amy who had been following my story for a while.  She had gone through a few minor fertility treatments herself and was part of our community where she found me.  We had been friends on Instagram and Facebook for several months before she finally reached out to me.  She offered up herself as a surrogate.  I couldn’t believe this total stranger was offering up such a beautiful gift, however we were really hoping to try egg donation so that I could carry the pregnancy myself.  Amy did not hesitate for a second and instantly said she would gladly gift her eggs to us to help us build our family. 

I was in such shock and awe at this gift being offered to us by someone I had never met.  I told Joe and he was equally impressed with her generosity.  Neither of us were ready to give up on having a family and Joe was ready to do whatever I felt was right for us to move forward.  After so much heartache, after seeing 9 embryos be transferred and not one ever successfully stick, after all the time and energy we put into our journey so far, I knew that egg donation was the right path for us.  In March of 2016 we flew from Illinois to Georgia to meet Amy and her family and meet our RE.  We instantly connected with her, her husband Allen, and her two children Stella and Max.  By June we began our cycle and Amy provided us with 10 perfect eggs to be fertilized.  We found out the next day that 8 had fertilized and by transfer day on June 16^th, we had 1 perfect 4AA [a highly graded embryo] to transfer and 5 more to be frozen.  I found out I was pregnant and on February 22^nd 2017 we welcomed our sweet Georgia June into the world.

Using a donor, whether it be an egg or sperm donor, or even a donated embryo is a very unique situation.  There are anonymous programs, there are open programs, shared programs, there are many instances when friends and family will donate, and there are other infertile couples who have more embryos than they know what to do with so they donate them to other couples, there really is no defined relationship that comes with donation.  I can only speak for our situation using a known donor and I think both Joe and I and our donor can gladly say we really appreciate the open aspect of our relationship.

One question I get asked a lot & one thing that is discussed often in the world of donors is when you tell a child, if ever.  The general consensus around this topic is, yes, you absolutely tell your child and you begin to do so at a young age so that it becomes second nature to them.  What I love about our open donor relationship is the ability for Georgia to really know her roots and her history, to know that she has biological half siblings and a mother that she can one day meet.   The process for everyone will differ slightly depending on what route you choose to go.  With donated eggs we did not have to pay our donor anything for her pain & suffering (as it’s often referred to), but there can be costs in the upwards of $5-$10,000 just for the donor to put in their pocket.  We did pay out of pocket for her monitoring appointments, retrieval, and all medications.  We were very lucky to have all of our donors medications donated to us by the amazing people in this community along with some donated from our local clinic where I did my monitoring.  We also had to pay a lawyer $700 to draw up our donor agreement and file it.  I used one I had found who specializes in reproductive law from Marietta, Georgia.  We did everything via email and the process was very easy.  We had to provide this information to our clinic as proof that we had a legal contract in place before our cycle started.

A couple other big questions I get often are do I feel a connection to my baby, and did I feel it during pregnancy?  If you don’t have a child yet, this one is hard to understand because once your earth side baby and you finally meet, you will realize that your love for them far exceeds any kind of love you have ever experienced before, a kind of love you didn’t really know existed.  When it comes to pregnancy, I think it might be like this even with people who carry their own biological child, it sometimes takes time to feel a connection with a baby that’s still growing inside of you, you’ve never met them, you know that you love them unconditionally, but you may have some uncertainties about how you will feel once you become a parent.  Everyone’s experience is different.

And lastly, how did we know it was time to move forward with egg donation?  After all we had been through, I  just knew it was time to close the door on my eggs.  I was already beginning the process of accepting that I would more than likely never have a biological child of my own in the midst of our two week wait of our last cycle.  I listened to my intuition and followed my heart and it was the best decision we could have made for ourselves because it gave us our baby.  Family is not defined by DNA and biology, it’s defined by love and I knew that we would have more love for our baby than we could ever imagine.  For us, using an egg donor was simple, it was what made sense and our decision was solidified once we had our baby in our arms.  I will never regret or have any reservations about using an egg donor.  Doing so brought us the greatest joy we have ever known and I think I can speak for the many couples who have also used a donor to conceive their child, it was the best decision we made on our years-long journey.

If you are struggling with thoughts about using a donor of any kind, please feel free to contact me at babyridleybump@gmail.com I would be more than happy to answer any questions that you might have.

Elena is a small-town Illinois girl with a passion for writing.  Elena and her husband Joe have been married since 2011.  She began blogging in 2012, and what began as a place to document her pregnancy quickly evolved into a space where she openly shared a raw narrative about her struggles with infertility.  After 5 years of both natural and assisted attempts at reproduction, Elena and Joe welcomed their daughter Georgia into the world in February 2017. 

Connect with Elena more, and follow her along on her journey at her blog Baby Ridley Bump and on Instagram at @lenaridley. 

PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

We made it through our first vacation trip – international nonetheless! – with the babies! Hooray! Earlier this month, Josh and I went to Puerto Vallarta with Kirsten and Logan, and my in-laws for our family’s traditional spring break. Since then, my inbox has been flooded with people asking for tips we learned and what to bring / not bring, and so I thought it would be helpful to put it all down here for you! If you are glazing over already at the thought, feel free to skip it and move on with your day. :)

First of all, let’s talk travel days. Oofda. We went into the day knowing this would be the hardest day since our very scheduled kids would be entirely off schedule. I feel like having the mentality that it wasn’t going to be typical made it easier to stay flexible with all of the twists and turns headed our way. Over all, despite the fact that we woke them up nearly 2 hours before their regular wake-up time, and the fact that instead of napping 5 hours during the day, they took a short 20 minute airplane nap, it went as good as it could have! Here’s my tips for making travel days as smooth as possible, including some things we did, didn’t do and wish we had, and could have skipped.

The only proof I have that they actually did sleep a few short minutes. :) 

• Stay organized. Josh had all of our passports, tickets, and paperwork in this handy family pouch with built in traveling security and it made it a breeze to quickly hand over items throughout all the check-ins, security checks, and gate stops. 
• Bring a stroller that is comfy. We loved using our Joovy double stroller because the seats individually recline so one baby could lay back with a bottle and the other could sit up and people watch. It also has a gigantic storage bin underneath that made it easy to toss things in, as well as zippered pouches in the shade cover so we could stuff Lysol and hand wipes in one, and snacks in the other.
• Plan ahead for food. I wish I had thought out their day a little better. I didn’t quite have as many clean bottles and nipples as I should have to keep them quiet on the plane. I loaded up on snacks for them and got a giant pill box from the Dollar Store and put snacks in each day so it would entertain them. I taped it shut with wasi tape because they pop open easily and the tape also acted as a fun “toy” for them to play with, leaving no residue behind. Cheerios, puffs, ritz crackers and yogurt bites were very popular! I also had a little cooler packed with my breastmilk that had some cheesesticks, yogurts and applesauce in it, however, the yogurt and applesauce with two babies was incredibly impractical and messy. Next time I will pack something they can easily eat on a tray, like some chopped cheese, lunchmeat, olives, steamed green beans, etc. They were hungry because let’s be honest, snacks don’t fill you like they should. I wish I was more prepared with food for them and also, wish I would have brought their (empty) water sippy cups so I didn’t feel like I always needed to give them milk when they were thirsty.
• Check the airport for a lactation room. Our MSP airport had a perfect lactation suite (single-family) that had a chair and a table with an outlet so I could pump before boarding. It fit our double stroller and Josh could come in as well. There was a clean, non-bathroom changing table for them, a full sink area for washing pump parts and plenty of space for them to hang out. We gave them their bottles in there, changed them before boarding, and fed them breakfast. It was perfect and took away a lot of stress of having to pump in an airport bathroom.
  
  

  Okay so Josh didn’t know I was taking a picture of him and Kirsten mid-smooch in the lactation room, but let’s be honest, HER SMILE is all we care about! :)

• Keep your carry–on simple. I had four Ziplocs in my carry on, one with toys, one with snacks, one with meds and one with cleaning items. My toy bag had a new teething toy, a tray table activity center, a stuffed rattle hanger, and a book. That was it and it was more than enough. My snack bag had the snack pill box, a few teething biscuits (messy), and some ritz crackers. My cleaning bag had travel Lysol wipes, a norwex cloth, hand and face wipes, pacifier and toy wipes, and hand sanitizer. My medicine Ziploc had Tylenol in there with two syringes just in case, Benadryl because I am paranoid about allergic reactions, their teething oil, and saline spray. A nurse friend suggested squirting saline spray pre and post flight to wash away all the germy mucus from their nose. I love my Lo & Sons bag because the zippered bottom part is where I packed my personal snacks, headphones, a book, and misc items for momma. Wallet and phone zippered on the outside and the bag slid on top of my wheeling suitcase which made it easy to handle.
• Bring an extra set of clothes for them and you. I totally forgot this and Logan was a disaster by the time we got to the resort. His onesie could have used a changing. Also, when I was spit up on, if I had a clean shirt, I could have easily made a switch and avoided smelling like puke.
• Other things learned: Ask the airport if there is a family line for security. Some places have them and you can avoid the long lines. MSP doesn’t, but we were shooed into the first class line and it took only a handful of minutes. Plan to take all snacks out of your carry-ons. Again, this is why the Ziploc packing was helpful! Bring a blanket with and if your child gets fussy while waiting, play a quick game of parachute over the stroller. This created lots of giggles and I was thankful! If you are traveling with a pump and breast milk, read up on the TSA’s website. We had no issues whatsoever. Don’t forget if you are pumping and traveling, it’s so important for momma to stay fed and hydrated. I spaced on this in the chaos and my supply took a travel day hit for sure. Pack an empty water bottle in your carry-on and fill up at the airport, or grab a liter bottle from a shop. Bottles at take- off and landing help with the ear changes for them. Snag an extra blanket from the flight attendant when you board to tuck under your arm for support in case your child falls asleep, so much more comfortable. Take out your phone and headphones and have them close by if they do fall asleep, you aren’t stuck.

Now, once we got to the resort, we tried hard to keep our schedules the same as they would have been back home. I knew this would help them know what to expect and also, would help us too! Our days looked like this:

• 7:30-8:00: wake-up, bottles, dressed
• 8:00 – 9:00: breakfast with the family, morning walk, Starbucks run
• 9:00 – 9:30: playtime in the room, snuggles, get ready for naps
• 9:30-11:30: morning nap
• 11:30 – 1:30: bottles, sunscreen, changed into suits, pool time, beach time, lunch
• 1:30 -2:00: baths, unwind time in the room
• 2:00 – 4:00: afternoon naps
• 4:00-6:00: bottles, dinner, a walk, playtime
• 6:00-6:30: bedtime bottles, pajamas, bedtime

Josh and I would take turns on who would stay in the room for naps so we each got a “free” period each day. This also meant we needed about 4 outifts a day for the kids. A morning outfit since AM’s are generally chillier (we did onesies with jogging suits and then they could sleep in the onesie and pants for AM naps), their beach attire, their post-bath nap and hangout outfit, and their dinner outfit. Oh and also pajamas for bedtime.

Tips for the hotel stay:

• Bring everything from home that makes your child comfortable for bedtime. We had their sound machine, susher, video monitor, sleepsuits, and pacifiers. We brought down two pack’n’plays, although it is worth asking the hotel what they would provide. If you bring down your own pack’n’play, don’t forget the sheets!
• Create a play area. We put down 2 folded blankets from the hotel, and then our Lessy Messy playmat over it and set up their toys there. We surrounded the area with pillows because the floor was HARD. We tossed down their toys.
• Bring toys that are small yet versatile. We packed a lot of things that were condensed, but could come apart, like stacking cups, blocks, this sesame street stacking toy which was a huge hit, their beloved eggs, and a few books. A lot of the toys we brought were “new” so they hadn’t seen them before which kept them entertained longer with only the few.
• Know your area. If you are traveling somewhere you can Amazon prime wipes and diapers to the hotel, do that instead of packing them. We knew we didn’t want to travel to Walmart in town, so we packed what we needed. We knew we could get some of their snacks at the grocery store and what they wouldn’t carry for a reasonable price.
• Have a medicine bag handy. We brought it all. Tylenol, ibuprofen, cough medicine, chest rub, Benadryl, gripe water, gas drops, teething rub, and their vitamin D drops. We didn’t want to be caught without something, especially in another country, and we ended up using all of it except the chest rub!
• Think through what the hotel will provide and what of theirs your actually need. We knew they had towels so we left theirs at home. We like their norwex baby washrags for their soft faces, so we brought our own. (PS – I am a Norwex consultant so if you ever need to order anything, just holler. I will give you a 10% off blog-reader discount!)
• Bring travel items you can leave behind. We brought a few things that we could simply use and leave behind without creating much waste. For example, a cheap bottle brush to use down there, dollar store loofahs (my sister in law suggested this one!), travel size bath products, and sterilizer bags. I loved having sterilizer bags down there so at the end of the night, I could toss in things that needed a good cleaning from a busy day in a variety of places. We also LOVED having disposable bibs and placemats with us. It made it so easy to leave behind and also, made me feel more comfortable to put their food on the table with this under it.
  
  

  a wild and crazy friday night of room service + sanitizing … and we wouldn’t have it any other way!

And finally, for the beach. Don’t forget a beach bag! We did and had to borrow my mother-in-laws extra bag.

• Beach bag: We made sure we have a pacifier for them in there, pacifier wipes, a few toys, extra sunscreen, some snacks, hand wipes, beach towels, their cups of water and sunhats. Also, its so worth it for mom and dad to grab a waterproof phone case! We used this one for all of our pool pictures and the quality came out awesome! We also liked this pop up pit for the beach. We threw a towel down and the kids could hang out there without getting sandy. It folds up super small and is very light weight too.
  

  

All in all, traveling with infants is a lot of work, haha, but creates some very fun family memories. Take lead on what your baby is needing. Some evenings we just needing to stay in and play as a family and keep the chaos to a minimum. Some days they needed a longer nap or an earlier bedtime. I hear it only gets easier as they get older …. One can only hope, hehe!

What did I miss? Do you have any questions for me about specifics? I’d love to answer them! Leave them below or feel free to contact me via email through my contact page!

And of course, I can’t leave you without a few fun pictures of the highlights of our trip! (No, the highlights don’t include the 24 hours Josh and I had food poisoning … and special thank you to my mother and father in law for saving the day with extra TLC for the kiddos!)

Baby K checking out the birds squawking on the balcony

Nana, Papa, and four of their grandchildren!

Logan loved to be tossed up in the air! :)

Papa, Logan and Dad … I feel like Logan looks about 3 here! GASP!

Sissy had to have a pineapple swimsuit … I mean, with pineapples being the symbol of infertility, it is just a beautiful reminder of His faithfulness!

Beach bums

My little sweeties!

The joy he had experiencing the pool and water was abundant!

Kirsten was much happier in her personal grotto.

A morning stroll

This precious face of Logan’s the first day he got in the pool and felt the water + sunshine. It doesn’t get much cuter, does it!?

While we were down there, the babies turned 10 months!

Getting them to sit still for a picture now is TOUGH.

Twinning with dad!

The Ritchie men on the trip.

This post contains some affiliate links of some of our favorite go-to products. 

Next up in our What’s It’s Like series, I am giddy to introduce you to one of my dearest friends and fellow twin-mom, Charity Bish. Charity and I met on social media years ago and I will never forget her kindness in 2013 when I opened my front door to find a package from her containing her freshly baked and famous chocolate chip cookies to enjoy, sent from her then-home in New York City. Her heart is huge and her encouragement over the years has been priceless. Now she’s rocking the mom life and I was utterly delighted to meet her and her family in 2016. She’s as good as it gets!

Without further ado, here’s what it’s like to raise a child with special needs.

I am SO excited to kick off our “What It’s Like“ series today with my amazing friend, Lauren Citro. Lauren and I connected through Instagram ages ago and since then have formed a genuine friendship, rooted in Christ and laughter more than our commonality of  infertility. She’s the real deal, as genuine and kind as they come. Now, we not only get the chance to work together as colleagues at FertilityIQ, but we daydream about the day we can meet in person. I am honored to feature Lauren’s story today and ask you to lift her and her husband Andrew up in prayer as they continue their journey to start their family.

Now without further ado, here’s what it’s like to experience multiple failed IVF cycles. 

“It’s almost too bad we’ll never have to do this again, we’ve gotten so good at it!” I looked up at my husband with a little sparkle in my eye, light-heartedly joking as he gave me my very last injection before my IVF egg retrieval.

It was January of 2016 and we had just hit the two year mark of trying to grow our family. When we first started trying a little over two years before, we had been nothing but optimistic, figuring that (like so many of my friends) we would get pregnant quickly and easily. When it didn’t happen quite as fast as I had initially hoped, I began to get discouraged. What if we can’t get pregnant? What if there is something wrong? What if we have to do IVF?

Even as I voiced my fear of needing medical intervention, I truly never believed it would come to something as invasive as IVF. When I asked “What if we have to do IVF?” it was basically the same as me asking “What if the sky falls?” – a very scary question, but something that obviously wasn’t a true threat. “We’re not going to have to do IVF,” my husband would say, “and if we did, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.”

I mostly trusted the reassurance of my husband, I didn’t think we’d have to do IVF, however, I did think that if we did do IVF, it would most certainly be the end of the world. And yet here we were, a bruised stomach, needle in hand, pumped full of hormones, with the finish line of IVF finally within reach. So yes, we did have to do IVF (sorry hubs, you can’t be right about everything), but no, it wasn’t the end of the world. And after a few rough days on that horrific Lupron, we finally had gotten into a rhythm with my daily shots and monitoring appointments. IVF hadn’t been as bad as I thought it would be, so much so that I was willing to make a joke that it was too bad we’d only have to do it once… because certainly, we’d only have to do it once, right?

We were entirely optimistic throughout the IVF process, so it was beyond disappointing when that cycle ended with a positive pregnancy test, but without a baby. Little did we know this would be the first of many heartaches we would face as IVF patients.

Sometimes when people ask about my journey, I flashback to a memory from childhood. I was playing with my BFF at her house when we all of a sudden heard a loud thud against the window. A few minutes later we heard it again, and then again. It was a bird…trying to fly into the house…through the solid window pane. It was failing over and over, but that didn’t stop it from trying- again and again and again. This went on for weeks, by the way. Every time I went to her house, there was that bird, not quite learning its lesson and as determined as ever to fly through that window. There are times in this journey that I’ve thought to myself, “am I that bird? … am I a stupid bird that can’t see I’m hurling myself at a seemingly impossible circumstance?”

IVF isn’t something anyone wants to go through once, and it’s certainly not anything anyone wants to go through multiple times. The past two years I’ve managed to rack up 6 IVF retrieval cycles and 4 total transfers. Of those 4 transfers I’ve faced two completely failed cycles and 2 chemical pregnancies- along with the heartache that comes with IVF in general (embryos that didn’t survive, disappointing PGS results etc.)  Recounting those experiences isn’t fun, in fact (for lack of a better word) it really sucks.

The emotions that go into an IVF cycle are truly all consuming. The start of every cycle, feels optimistic and hopeful. The middle can feel tumultuous and emotional. And the end- after you’ve gotten bad news- it’s heart wrenching. You feel gutted with grief in a way that very few people who haven’t walked through this as their lived reality could possibly relate. The pain of heartache is intense, and at times, it really does feel like it’s the end of the world.

But it’s not. Really.

Is it hard and stupid and rage-inducing? Yes. Is it painful and heartbreaking? Yes. Will you cry harder than you’ve ever cried before? I would count on it. But, no, it’s not the end of the world.

And somehow, my husband and I are proof of it.

You really can survive the mess of it all, especially if you have some good survival strategies in place. I never go into a cycle with anything less than high hopes for a great outcome, and at the same time, I understand that unfortunately any number of things can cause a cycle to end poorly, which is why it’s so so important to make your own self-care a priority during infertility treatment. Surround yourself with compassionate people who will support you, care for you, pray for you, and encourage you. Treat your body well- eat healthy foods, go on walks and participate in physical activity as allowed by your doc. Take care of your head and your heart- pour out your thoughts in a journal, talk with a friend, find a solid therapist, and don’t be afraid to give yourself some space to process through emotions.

Facing heartaches in life has the potential to break you down, but it also has the potential to build you into a stronger person than you ever thought possible. When we first started this journey, I didn’t think I could survive 1 IVF cycle, but I’ve proved myself wrong and found strength that I didn’t even know I had. It’s a strength to endure hard days and to be willing to risk more heartache for the reward of trying again.

There are times in this process that I’ve related to that bird at my friends house in a way that makes me feel embarrassed that I haven’t “seen the signs” and moved on by now. But there are other days that I feel a solidarity with that bird. I see her determination and her resilience.  I see her willingness to keep fighting. I think of her and I am reminded of a verse from Proverbs 24:16 which says (in my own paraphrase)- a Godly person falls 7 times, but they will rise again.

I truly believe that God is our source to get through the disappointments that so easily could push us past our breaking point. He is the one who sustains us and comforts us. He is the one who has brought so much peace in the midst of turmoil and He is the one who will give us the strength- when the time is right- for us to try again.

Lauren and her husband Andrew live in San Diego, California and have been married for 6 years. She feels a deep connection to other couples walking through a diagnosis of infertility and is passionate about sharing her story in hopes of encouraging others in their journey. Lauren loves traveling and exploring just as much as she loves staying home with a good book, but her ideal day would always be spent at Disneyland. Lauren takes pride in her closest relationships and deeply cherishes her role as a wife, daughter, sister, and friend.

Connect with Lauren more, and follow her along on her journey at her blog Grow My Family and on Instagram at @growmyfamily. (Ps – her last post on her blog on grief is absolutely beautiful. Click here to read.)

PS – Don’t miss a thing with this series! Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to catch each of the upcoming stories! I absolutely LOVE connecting with each of you! 

PPS – If you’re ever looking for a devotional on living life while in a waiting season, check out the devotional I co-authored called ‘In the Wait’!