BFN – Page 10 – Trials Bring Joy

Ahhh, I feel like I am sitting down to write a controversial blog post today. I have been thinking and praying over this topic for a while because it’s not one where I want to offend anyone. And I don’t want to come across bitter, because I’m not. I started this blog with a vision of being able to speak for women struggling with infertility. And lately, after many conversations with others in my place, have realized that this is a topic that I would do my best to prayerfully, lovingly approach – the topic of pregnant women complaining.

Gulp.

Here is what I want to say before I go any further. I have several friends who are pregnant – both in real life and in the lovely social media world. Ones that have struggled to conceive and others where it came more easily. I am genuinely so happy for each and every one of them, as being in my place, I recognize the incredible blessing that pregnancy is. This post is not meant to make anyone feel bad, or create any anger. I am not looking for a “BUT I HAVE THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN! IT’S A FREE COUNTRY!!” response. Well, I mean you can, but I will politely ignore it. (And you.) The purpose of this is simply to explain how the complaining makes us (TTC’ers and those that lost a baby) feel. You – pregnant mama reading this getting angry already – can chose to respond kindly to our feelings and acknowledge them or not to and you are welcome at any time to close this blog entry if this is a sensitive topic for you.

With all of that said – here is the thing, more and more often recently have I come across friends complaining about their pregnancies and each and every time it stings. It hurts that something that I would do ANYTHING for is something that is so “miserable and unbearable” – for a max of 9 months. I want to celebrate your blessing with you! But when you start changing the balance of acknowledging that you are the recipient of a GOD GIVEN blessing and spend more time complaining about your back, your feet, the fact that you have to be on bed rest, how hot you are or how sick you feel, it makes me not want to celebrate your blessing. Because I wonder if you really understand the amazing gift that you have been given. And it hurts. Because I want nothing more than my back to hurt, my hips to ache, to feel a hot flash that isn’t a result of 5 shots that day but because I am growing a baby inside me.

Granted, I will empathize with you when you complain respectfully. Occasional complaining is ok! It’s how you feel and I am so thankful for my pregnant friends who follow it up with “…but I am thankful for every time I throw up, because that means my baby is healthy.” I adore the Instagram pictures of swollen cankles with the captions “Love my cankles … because it means I am pregnant!!” Thank you for acknowledging that regardless of the hellish symptoms, you have a baby. I love my friends who get put on hospital bedrest and cheer that they are keeping their babies in and healthy and would do anything for them. THANK YOU! Thank you to the pregnant women who remember women like me when they are getting up 10 times a night to pee. I would give my left arm to pee that much because of a baby pushing on my bladder. I laughed at a friend the other day who complained after eating that she felt so full. I felt full looking at her! But she did it with a laugh and has been nothing but graceful and caring and constantly acknowledging of her blessing this entire pregnancy. To the women like you, I will chuckle and get you a glass of water (and tums) because I DO care that you are having a hard day.

Here’s the thing – if I knew that you were living in your parents basement and wanted a house of your own so badly, how would it make you feel if I wrote a Facebook status that said “Ohmygosh, I am SOOO tired of dusting my 3,000 square foot house! What a pain this is! Oh the miseries of owning a home.” Or if you were struggling with money, barely making the bills and had everyone praying for you to find a job, and I posted something on Instagram that said “Ohhh, my arms are SO tired from holding my purse with all this money!! Woe is me!” It just doesn’t make sense right? It’s not something that we think to do! Unfortunately I feel like it has become too socially acceptable to complain about certain blessings that God has given us – at the expense of others who haven’t been given that same blessing.

I am open with our journey and others know the pain we have faced and are facing. But you know what, I am 1 in 8. 1 in 8 women who are in a situation where they are struggling to conceive. I talk to women EVERYDAY who are struggling and do not share with anyone except a few family and friends. That means that you DO have people struggling that you don’t know about. I am speaking for them. If you have 300 Facebook friends, that means that with every “Good lord, I hate being on bedrest, I am missing out on SUMMER!” post you write, you are hurting about 37 people’s feelings. Not just hurting their feelings … putting a dagger into their heart as they recall the pain of sitting on the toilet bleeding as they lose their baby; or crying on the side of the bed as the pregnancy test shows the painful one-lined result; or passing a due date or getting that first scary doctor call telling them their husband has an extremely low sperm count. It hurts. It makes me struggling with confusion so badly with how people could be so blessed and not acknowledge it.

Moms, I know how hard the morning sickness is. I empathize with how hot you feel and how bored you are laying on the couch for a few weeks. Don’t forget I have experienced so many of these side effects as a result of going through several years of medications and 2 hard IVF cycles. It’s NOT easy! But if I could find reasons to praise God for even blessing me with the CHANCE to have a baby as I cling the toilet bowl in the morning, I beg you to find the silver lining blessings in your situations.

And to those women who sat in my shoes and struggled with TTC and now are the ones complaining – shame on you. You know how this feels. You cried the same tears 7 months ago when others complained about being pregnant, reminding them how badly you wanted to be in their place. Don’t forget that emotion. Don’t forget that you prayed for this baby and wanted it. Savor every single trip to the bathroom, every single hot flash and every ache and pain – knowing that you are going through 280 days of misery in order to be blessed with a child for the rest of your life.

Now, to those who are still shaking their head muttering about their right to complain – go ahead and complain. I can (and will) block you from my newsfeed and unfollow you on IG. I will return your calls less and less if that’s what you are going to choose to talk about. Just as you as the right to complain, I too have the right to stop being a part of your life. And I would hate that. I would hate that friendships would suffer at the cost of you simply acknowledging and being thankful for your blessing. Know your audience, I beg you.

There – I said it. And please, friends that are pregnant, so many of you have complained gracefully and it doesn’t bother me. But to those who feel the need to moan all the time. Stop it. Please. My and my TTC friends are begging you. And please understand, I am not bitter. I truly am so happy for you and your blessing. I just ache sometimes as a result of flippancy. We get it. We know you are pregnant.

Now – on to happier things! Josh and I are doing really well. I feel really grateful that we have been surrounded with so much support and love as we dealt with the reality of our BFN (big fat negative.) We are excited to be moving forward with our FET (frozen embryo transfer). We meet with our nurse consultant next Wednesday to get our final prescriptions, sign and sign and sign some papers, and finalize the cycle. I have so much to more to share about a great conversation with our doctor and answer many of the questions that you guys have been asking me about “why is this happening?” and “what are your chances now?”. I will save that for another post in the next couple days – as well as fill you in on my first fertility acupuncture appointment. (Funny story, I promise.)

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend! Thanks for being the rockstar supporters that you are. :)

My prayer this whole cycle was that no matter what, God would be glorified. I was telling a friend the other day, it can happen in one of two ways. One, He would work a miracle in this cycle and we would have success and become pregnant. Two, the cycle would not work and we would have the opportunity to stay strong and praise Him in the storm.

It looks like we will be praising Him in the storm.

I woke up in the middle of the night on Thursday singing a song by Gungor. I found it strange that I hadn’t listened to the song recently and yet I couldn’t stop singing it as I lay awake. I couldn’t even remember all the right words in the right order so my head just sang on repeat “Please be my strength, Please be my strength, I don’t have any more, I don’t have any more. I pray your glory shines in this doubting heart of mine and all would know that You, You are my strength.”

And I couldn’t help but think “uh oh.” I was 5 days past a 5 day transfer (5dp5dt). Implantation, should it have happened, should have finished the majority of it the day before. I was now officially in the I-can’t-do-anything-now waiting game. So why was my heart pre-pleading for strength? I kept singing it until I fell back asleep, and then woke to the slighted bit of brown blood. A tiny amount. One that is enough to make you instantly a little frightened, then remember that brown blood is good, red blood is bad. I laid back down and prayed. My heart kept repeating “please be my strength.” And even though this symptom could have been a really good sign, I believe my heart was letting me know I was going to need strength.

The bleeding increased on Friday, turning to red around 3:00. I called my doctor who tried to reassure me that this could be normal. That some women bleed throughout their pregnancy and 6dp5dt was too early to have a period. It could be irritations from some of the medications I was on, it could have been a late implantation, it could have been some sort of small hemorrhage or a variety of other things. But as my head played on “Please be my strength, I don’t have anymore…”, I think a small part of me knew. I was put back on semi-strict bedrest and she said the bleeding should not get any heavier and would soon go away. Josh and I prayed, we plead. My head couldn’t come up with many words so I laid there in His sweet silence.

Saturday morning I woke up to my first clot and then the bleeding began to increase, nearly as bad as my miscarriage. And we just knew. We tried to pretend like “this could be a good thing”. We went about our day, me on the couch and Josh helping out around the house. My head could not come up with the right words to pray. I listened to Kari Jobe’s “Find You On My Knees” on repeat – my heart praying “Weary just won’t let me rest and fear is filling up my head. I’m longing, God, I’m longing for You. But I will find You in the place I’m in. Find You when I’m at my end. Find You when there’s nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness. You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty. When I am weak, when I am lost and searching, I find You on my knees. So what if sorrow shakes my faith, what if heartache still remains. I’ll trust You, My God, I’ll trust You ‘cause You are faithful.”

We broke down and tested, proving the reality we already knew. Not pregnant. A deafening stark white space where a pink line should have been. We had a difficult night. We cried. We let a few people know who texted such encouragingly kind messages and had been praying so hard for a miracle. We grieved. My head couldn’t stop thinking about another due date I would have to live through without my babies. September 2^nd and now January 27^th. It aches. I pulled our embryo pictures off the fridge. I kept looking at Josh as we sat in our dark room thinking “You should be a daddy. This isn’t fair. You will be such a good Daddy.” I could barely open my mouth to speak and when I did, I think I just could get out “This sucks. I don’t know why.”

It’s amazing how much we felt comforted so immediately. There was an overwhelming sadness of course, but also a strength that only could come from Him. It was a welcome change from the long-term sorrow we felt after last cycle. God IS still good. Your prayers weren’t in vain. We immediately began looking at all of our blessings – just in life in general and from this cycle. We got 2 beautiful frozen embryos from this cycle. I didn’t end up in the ER this cycle. I managed to bounce back from my fluid-filled ovaries quicker than last time.I got to experience my first Mother’s Day as a mom. I didn’t have to wait longer and sit in hope – a typically period shouldn’t start till at least 10 or 11 days past the transfer – I was 4-5 days early! We were spared a positive pregnancy test that could have resulted in a miscarriage. We felt like we had received the biggest gift of GRACE by starting my period as early as it did.

So now we pack away the baby items taken out. We breathe deep. We sit in His presence and we sing the words of a Matt Redman song (Never Once): “Scars and struggles on the way but with joy our hearts can say, Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did You leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, You are faithful.”

I had bloodwork done this morning and while driving, played my lovely game of song-on-the-radio roulette. You know, that one where whatever is playing was MEANT for you. (I am a big fan of this game as you know from other blog entries).

Fergie: Cuz bigggg girls don’t cry…. (Lies Fergie, I am a big girl and I cry. Stupid song.)

Mumford and Sons: And I will wait, I will wait for you. And I will wait, I will wait for you… (I WILL wait for you little babies. Mama’s gonna wait as long as it takes …)

Kristian Stanfill: Promise maker, Promise Keeper, You finish what You begin … You see it through ’til the end. The Lord our God is ever faithful, never changing through the ages. From this darkness You will lead us and forever we will say You’re the Lord our God. In the silence, in the waiting, still we can know You are good. All Your plans are for Your glory. (Ok, maybe a few tears with this song. He will finish what He began and will see our through this.)

Pearl Jam

(Authors note – there were A LOT Of commercials on the radio so clearly I was just flipping around. Hence the fun of roulette).

Pearl Jam: Oh where, oh where, can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me. She’s gone to heaven, so I’ve got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world. (This one caught me off guard. It was a favorite when I was younger (the 1960’s version) and suddenly, without realizing it, I was singing it to my little baby. Was one of them a girl? She is in heaven and I get to see her again when I leave this world. Ok, more tears.)

John Waller: I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You, Lord. And I am hopeful, I’m waiting on You, Lord. Though it is painful, but patiently, I will wait. (More waiting. Seems to be the story of our life. But I will do so, with patience in the pain.)

I felt like Radio Roulette was a therapeutic success today. I was able to speak to my doctor this afternoon to discuss our next steps – transferring 2 of those frostie little babies into my warm and clearly undesirable womb. (Perhaps it needs a little Property Brothers renovation. Huh? No? Dang, I have clearly been watching too much HGTV while on bedrest). The conversation was so helpful in understanding some “why’s” and I feel relieved to know we have great potential for this Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). I actually will be starting medication tonight to get this next cycle underway and will blog more details about it in the future. The next transfer date will be July 18th. 58 days away.

My prayers are this – that our strength will continue to come from Him. That our family members that loved these grandchildren, nieces/nephews, cousins and playmates would have peace and healing from this disappointment as well. That non-believers reading this blog would not doubt God’s goodness. That our next steps would be blessed.

My husband is amazing. He is my rock and my physical here-on-earth support that I would be lost without. Never once has he altered in his faith and positivity. I literally could not go through this without him. I love you honey.

In the words of NeedtoBreathe – I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful. And so we will wait a little longer. Until God changes our hearts desires, we will press on. We have 3 little snow babies left. God, please let one of them be our hold-in-our-arms baby.

THANK YOU to so many friends and family who brought over meals this last week. Each one was SO delicious and was a HUGE blessing. I think food is my love language. :)