jaws.

July 9, 2015July 9, 201515 Comments

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a healthy fear of sharks. And by healthy, I mean I am worried about sharks attacking me in swimming pools, around water vents, in lakes or rivers, most definitely in the ocean regardless of the water height, and yes, understanding that even fake sharks could become dangerous and deadly.

I believe an early viewing of the movie Jaws may have had something to do with it, although like all good parents, mine fast forwarded through so much of the tv-version movie that I had just enough to worry about in an excitingly obsessive way. (And also had a total meltdown the first time I saw the non-fast forwarded through version). Sharks have always intrigued me and I have written many papers for school, collected shark teeth and can give you detailed run-downs of all 4 Jaws movies. (skip Jaws 2 and never waste your time on Jaws: The Revenge.)

Riding the Jaws ride at Universal Studio in Florida when I was in elementary school was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life, but one I was determined to overcome. (I did say my goodbyes beforehand though. One kid at school told me someone got thrown off the boat by mistake and the fake Jaws munched her up before they could retrieve her. I was certain my death was near.) But thankfully, despite some hysterical sobs and an offer to stop the ride, I did make it through.

All of this being said, last week Josh and I ventured down to sunny Florida and spent the day at Universal for our anniversary. I knew the Jaws ride had closed much to my dismay. However, I wasn’t anticipating him to be hanging by the Universal “lake”. As a nearly 30-year old adult, walking close to him was terrifying. I likely sounded like a shrieking dying varmint. Thankfully our walk by him was early and the park area was nearly empty.

Take a picture with him!

Josh and the park photo attendant cheered.

No thanks!

My football field length viewing of him was more than close enough and I was sweating more than I should have been for 9:00 am.

Honey, just get a little closer, you can do it!

Josh kept cheering, standing on the other side of the big killer while I would take one step forward and run 3 steps backwards. I was painfully aware that this made no sense at all. I could see the confusion on the park attendants face as she watched me do an awkward side dance between the plastic Jaws and the freedom that the street 100 yards away was bringing.

You got this, just get a little closer. He’s not gonna get you. Come on babe!

Josh was giddy at the thought of me overcoming this fear. I wanted to throw up in my mouth. (Disgusting I know. Fear will do that to you, right?) Finally, after 100 mini mental pep talks and Josh chanting in the background, I made it to the beast. I stood about 5 feet away and smiled prettily for the camera. Except neither Josh nor the attendant would take the picture.

Um, move in closer.

I can’t.

You can. Just don’t look at its really sharp teeth. (Park attendant – not helpful.)

(me wheezing)

Finally I got close. I mean, really close. I don’t think I was breathing and I was certain at any time 1) another shark would jump out of the water behind me and pull me in; 2) that this plastic Jaws was mysteriously animated somehow and would lurch at me, accidentally catching my hair in its teeth and kill me; 3) it would fall off the hinges and crush me. An unexpected way to die by shark but very possible in my world.

Now touch it!! Go on honey! Just put your hand up and touch it!

Josh was shrieking out encouragement and hysterical watching this entire thing take place. Again, can I just mention how thankful I was that no one else was around? Except that park attendant who had nothing helpful to say.

Whooooa, be careful! He’s looking at you!

I couldn’t touch him until said unhelpful park attendant shouted out three insanely helpful words.

Close your eyes!

My hands flew up to my face. I was wearing sunglasses! No one would ever be able to tell if my eyes weren’t open! And with that, my eyes quickly closed and I was mentally moved away from the situation that I was about to touch Jaws. My hand came up and rested on his cold, clammy, killery cheek and the camera’s clicked.

Boom.

I walked away with a pride. I did it! I overcame my fear! I was still alive! And I had proof! Of course Josh walked up to him and made a visit to Jaws seem like he was saying hi to a minion, but I was on a high. In fact, they even talked me into another picture, this time with Josh, and I fell naturally into a runners stance. HA!

All of this being said, I learned an important lesson about fear. Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and do it. That thing that you are certain you can’t overcome – the move, the doctor’s appointment, the battle towards weight loss, the reconciliation phone call – just close your eyes and do it. When we stare the problem in the face for too long, it grows and with it, the fears grow. The “what if’s” become so long, engulfing us in worries and anxieties and almost always, the thoughts of failure. So let’s eliminate those from our peripheral vision. Let’s only lay our eyes on the prize – what do we need to do to overcome it? Is it making a phone call? Is it saying “yes” to something that scares you, yet you know you need to do? Is it finally scheduling an appointment to get that mole checked out or looking up the lab results the doctor’s office posted?

Isaiah 41:10 (GWT) beautifully reminds us: “Don’t be afraid, because I am with you. Don’t be intimidated; I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will support you with my victorious right hand.” We don’t have to be afraid because He is next to us, supporting us, strengthen us and walking with us. Close your eyes today and feel Him. He is there! Slow down your mind long enough to realize His hand has never left you and never will. The thing you fear may not be easy. All things considering, my visit to Jaws is minor in comparison to real fears – fears of diagnosis’s, miscarriages, lost jobs, divorce battles, dying parents, difficult bosses. If you are at one of those draining crossroads today, be encouraged that you can go forward. It may be by closing your eyes but don’t stand still and soak in the terror. Grab His hand, listen to His encouraging words and move closer to that Thing. He will protect you in all your ways!

Okay, now back to Shark Week …

fertility authority.

December 3, 2014December 3, 201427 Comments

Happy Wednesday! I am SO excited to share with you my first post over at FertilityAuthority which goes live today. YAY! I am thrilled about this opportunity to write for this website, which for those who don’t know, is an online source for fertility information. They offer some great tools and resources for those being diagnosed and going through treatment and one of the ways they offer support is through a handful of bloggers. Yes, yours truly is one of them starting today!

So here’s what you can do – simply click here and read! Without further ado … here you go!

http://www.fertilityauthority.com/blog/chelsea-ritchie/2014/12/02/i-have-infertility-i-am-just-you

I love being able to write and share my heart with a new group of readers, however know that this commitment won’t interfere with my writing here in any way. It’s simply another opportunity to connect with me (and me with you!)

And can I beg? Even if you aren’t in need of this website, I would GREATLY appreciate your click and support. I would love to come out of the gates with my community strongly behind me (and yes, I do have a minimum requirement of hits that I need to get) so your click does mean a lot! Thank you in advance for the read, shares and comments! :)

Secondly, we heard back about my blood work results last week and while we weren’t really sure what we were hoping for, we did get some answers. My results came back showing a severe Factor V Leiden mutation which essentially is a rare (less than 3%) mutation where my blood develops abnormal blood clots and is known to cause reoccurring pregnancy loss and late pregnancy miscarriages. The good news is we finally have an answer which is a gigantic answer to prayer. While this mutation can’t be “fixed”, it can be treated with twice daily injections to thin the blood, therefore lessening the chances of blood clots, particularly to the uterus while pregnant.

I was a little overwhelmed when the clinic first called with these results but was quickly reminded by my amazing support team that this answer is a blessing and the success stories once diagnosed are impressive. Even more so, I was reminded that God eats odds for breakfast and that who we serve has abilities far greater than this mutation. In fact, I am fearfully and wonderfully made and this diagnosis doesn’t come as a surprise to Him! So with that, we are stepping forward with faith that this answer is the key to unlocking a miracle.

My last day on active birth control pills was LAST NIGHT (arghhhh!) which means we will likely be starting our IUI cycle in the next few days. CRAZY! Can’t wait to keep you all posted on the exciting happenings as we walk with God back into this treatment pool and await His perfect timing. Join us in prayer, will you? Pray then click the link above. :)

Thanks my friends, for your faithfulness to our journey. We adore you guys and are so thankful for all the ways you partner with us.

“I thank my God every time I remember you.” Philippians 1:3

the commitment to hope.

October 20, 201410 Comments

I was struck by the beauty of these words today. “Hope always feels impossible before we commit to it.” To commit means that we are dedicated to it, steadfast in it, unwavering. I falter, all the time. Hot and cold, trying to survive on my own, stubborn and desperate and stumbling. Then I drink in these words “…God can’t break His word. And because His word cannot change, the promise is likewise unchangeable. We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It’s an unbreakable spiritual lifeline…” (Hebrews 6:17b-18a MSG)

Hope is a painful thing to work to attain. I am constantly reminded that I can not hope in myself, in my body, in my own strength or wisdom. All of that will (and does) fail me. What I can hope in is the promises that God has made. Charles Stanley has beautifully put together a list of promises that we can claim as believers. For ease of reading, I am posting them below but you can find the website here to read the entire thing. When I remember the promises He has given, my hope gets refilled. Not because I know that it is a guarantee for us having children, but because at the end of the day, we have everything that we need in Him.

God’s Precious Promises:

A. The Lord brought you into relationship with Him (Rom. 5:6-11). When you trusted Jesus as your Savior, you became a child of God. This is the foundation of your heritage because all other promises flow from a relationship with Him.

B. You can have daily cleansing (1 John 1:9). As His child, you now have the privilege to come to Him, confess your sins, and receive His forgiveness to grow in unhindered fellowship with Him.

C. God’s presence is continually with you (Heb. 13:5). You have a traveling companion in the person of Christ who’s promised to never leave nor forsake you.

D. You have the Holy Spirit who is your Helper (John 14:16). Before Jesus ascended to heaven, He promised to send a Helper. You now have the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit.

E. You have the assurance of God’s strength (Isa. 41:10). When you’re weak, you can rely upon the Sovereign Ruler of the universe to strengthen you.

F. God Himself will supply all your needs (Matt. 6:31-32). He knows exactly what you need and has committed Himself to provide it.

G. He answers your prayers (1 John 5:14-15). When you pray according to God’s will, He answers.

H. God is always ready to give you His best (Ps. 84:11). If you’re living a godly life, the Lord will never withhold any good thing from you.

I. He daily bears your burdens (Ps. 68:19). There is no reason to wake up each morning hindered by trials and heartaches. Instead, lay your concerns down before God.

J. He comforts you in times of trouble (2 Cor. 1:3-4). No matter what the difficulty is, God knows about it and will provide comfort and encouragement.

K. The Lord sets limits on your trials and temptations (1 Cor. 10:13). He will not allow you to be tempted beyond your ability to endure.

L. He grants wisdom (James 1:5). In every decision you face, God offers wisdom to see life from His perspective if you ask in faith and without doubt. However, sin can keep you from claiming this promise because it crowds out truth and creates uncertainty.

M. The Lord provides rest for your soul (Matt. 11:28-29). When your heart is burdened, Jesus offers rest to those who come to Him.

N. God gives His peace (Phil. 4:6-7). Whenever you bring your anxieties to God in prayer, He provides His peace and creates an impenetrable wall separating you from worry.

O. You can be strong and fruitful in old age (Ps. 92:12-15). Retirement can be one of the most spiritually productive times of your life if you remain strongly planted in the Lord.

P. The Lord will give you the desires of your heart when you delight in Him (Ps. 37:4). If God is more important to you than anyone or anything else, He will grant your desires.

Q. He is a very present help in trouble (Ps. 46:1-3). The Lord is your refuge and help in times of uncertainty and danger.

R. God gives you direction for life (Ps. 32:8). He knows the pitfalls and dangers that lie ahead and will teach you which way to go.

S. He heals in times of sickness (Ps. 103:1-3). Since God never changes, you can come to Him for healing just as people did in biblical times.

T. Nothing can separate you from God’s love (Rom. 8:38-39). His unconditional love is a possession no one can take from you.

U. Jesus provides the gift of eternal security (John 10:27-30). Christ promised eternal life to His followers, so when you die, you’ll instantly be with Him.

V. You have a home in heaven (John 14:1-3). Before Jesus died and rose again, He told His disciples He was going away to prepare a place for them and would one day return and take them there.

Now it’s up to me to claim these promises. To commit to the hope that He offers and to believe the promises that He makes. I am not perfect and at times I feel painfully weak. But this is a hope I amwilling to commit to, to bet my life on, to life for. Lord, help me.

the joy comes in the morning.

October 7, 2014October 7, 201421 Comments

The summer before 11th grade, our youth group decided to take a camping trip to Tennessee. Being that I don’t like to camp and dislike all things “roughing it” in general, I thought it was a great idea to go. (No, really, I have no clue why I thought this was a good idea.) Add in some friends, a chance to do something cool away from home and the opportunity to shop for some new outdoorsy clothes and I was on the list.

Now I had done the summer camp thing loads of times before. A warm cozy cabin set a few hundred feet away from a full bathroom, pool and snack shop? I’m game. My idea of roughing it was having to use a sleeping bag for a blanket and only being able to pack 2 pillows. I was certain that this couldn’t be too different. A tent sounded fun! I bet it was a cute one too. And it was called “Confrontation Point”. That couldn’t mean anything right?

Wrong.

We pulled up to the campgrounds, er, well, basically a forest. As we trotted our way through the weaves of the trails, our leader finally called out “We are here!”. Here? Wait what? Where were the cute tents? The bathrooms? I thought the whole ‘bring your bio-degradable shampoo’ thing was just a 2001-attempt to start a “go green” trend. Huh?

Before I knew it, everyone around me started dropping their backpacks on the ground (wait, I don’t want to get mine dirty!) and pulling out tarps. What is going on!?! I shouldn’t have talked and passed notes during all of the pre-trip meetings! Before I knew it, tarps were being tied to two close trees, with the bottom corners staked to the ground. Where were the tents? We were sleeping on a tarp on the ground with another tarp loosely tied overhead? I wanted to faint. What about the bugs?

Time out. For those of you who don’t know me well, you now need to know that I am terrified of spiders. Like, shriek, dance, shake and cry. The spotting of a spider across the house can typically cause the neighbors to be concerned. I shudder just writing the word spider. Ughhhh. (I have never even watched the Harry Potter scenes with any spiders. My eyes have always remained closed. Even fake spiders freak me out.)

Okay, time in. Campsite is set up, fire is built, everyone around me seems to be frolicking with joy about this whole nature thing, and I wanted to cry. No new clothes, time with friends, or summer adventure was worth being this outside my comfort zone.

Ugh, why did my hair keep tickling my arms? I kept brushing my shoulders off absent-mindedly. What was I going to do? Tickle, tickle. Again? As I glanced down to pull my hair back, I saw it. IT. A gigantic daddy-long legs spider that was about the size of a baseball, crawling up my arm. (Granted, my memory could be playing tricks on me but this is what I remember. HUGE HUGE spiders.)

Well, you can only imagine the scene from there. I was horrified, terrified, crying, screaming, you name it. And that’s when a few other people commented that they had spiders on them too. No one seemed to be hyperventilating like me though. “Oh don’t worry about those! They are completely harmless.” Our guide told me, “They actually just live in the trees and fall out of them. Just brush them off.”

I actually don’t think a paragraph is needed to try to articulate my horrified reaction. The next thing I know, I am talking (okay, sobbing) to our youth group leader that I need to find a payphone. I ran back up the trails to the shelter and with shakey hands, found my 35 cents to call my mom.

Chelsea (me): (wailing) “Mom, you have to come and get meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

Mom: What are you saying honey?

C: Youuuuuu hhhaaaaavveeeeeeee to come and get meeeeeeeeee. Spiidddeeerrrrrrssssssss.

M: Take a deep breath, I can’t understand you.

Well, it took some time and another 50 cents but I eventually was able to explain to her the horror that was my youth group “retreat” and the urgent need for her to drive from Chicago to Tennessee to pick me up. Imagine my surprise when she lovingly said that wasn’t possible.

Plan B. Find a hotel.

Well, my youth group leader didn’t agree with that idea OR with my idea to let me sleep in the van the whole time. Yada yada yada, not safe to be alone in the van a few miles from the campgrounds. Either way, it was clear and evident that this would be my week to die. Confrontation Point had to do with confronting your fears? Oh boy ….

To be honest, it’s hard for me to explain how truly terrified I was that first night sleeping on the ground knowing that the tiny tinks I was hearing on the tarp above was likely light, fluttery, can’t-really-feel-them spiders falling down on me. Someone from my group gave me a little stuffed animal, a Junior Asparagus Veggie Tales toy, that when you squeezed him would sing “God is bigger than the boogey man, He’s bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV, Oh God is bigger than the boogey man and He’s watching out for you and me. So are you frightened (no not really), are you worried (not a bit!). I know whatever’s gonna happen, that God can handle it …” Squeeze. Repeat. Squeeze. Repeat. I am certain that the entire group heard that song over and over and over again all night long, along with my muffled sobs.

But then the next day came and we were off to our next adventure. White water rafting, repelling, hiking, there was enough distractions until dusk set in. Then the fear kicked in and the long, long nights.

I just went and pulled out my old journals that I had on that trip and found several entries scribbled in there – this one kind of made me giggle.

(Dated August 6, 2001 – age 16)

(At least I apologized for disliking His creation, HA!)

Every time morning would come, I would repeat this verse in my head.

(Apparently I brought markers with to this camp.)

Now hear me out – how many times in life have we been faced with something we just don’t want to go through? A situation where you need to confront someone else? A trial with a boss or friend? Facing your fears with something or carrying the heaviness of something like infertility, a broken marriage, looming debt, the death of someone we loved, a terrifying diagnosis or an addiction? The weight of the night rests on us and we just want out.

God, please, take this away from me. Can you come pick me up? I don’t want to face this. No? Then can I have an easy way out? Sleep in the van? Find a hotel? Do anything but face my fears?

The night seems to never end.

But at some point my friends, it ends. The sun rises. And perhaps it only rises briefly. Maybe there is another night you have to spend in the tent, facing your fears, fighting your obstacles, crying as you pray. But then there is a break – and the joy comes in the morning.

You know what? That week in Tennessee was really hard for me. I can’t tell you how many times the words “SPIDERS” appeared in my journal, how many times I squeezed Junior Asparagus and how many times I slapped my body, certain there was a spider crawling on me. But somehow, somehow, I made it through that trip. And you know what I wrote in my journal at the end?

“THIS IS AWESOME….it’s cool that .. I’m toughing it out.”

Pride. A sense of gratitude for His presence that went with me into what felt like the scariest and darkest of nights. A strength that I could get through my biggest fears and a spiritual growth that I wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t been forced to stay.

Sometimes we have to stay through the nights. I beg, routinely, to be “picked up” from the infertility camp. And for some reason, I’m still here. But you know what, I am learning so much. About God, about myself, about my marriage and about compassion. I know one day, I will look back on all of it and say “THIS IS AWESOME.”, I really do believe that.

Oceans by Hillsong doesn’t say “Spirit lead me where I am comfortable. Let me walk upon the waters wherever its convenient…” How can we expect to gain trust without borders if we are constantly asking to stay in our little cabin, away from anything that would challenge us?

The joy comes with the morning … and so we patiently (and not-so-patiently) wait for morning to come. Because we are not alone, and because if we are willing, we have so much to learn during the nights.

perseverance.

July 23, 201410 Comments

Perseverance.

This has been the word of the month. I am constantly amazed when something gets whispered to me and then God continues to affirm it over and over and over again. I feel like every book I pick up talks about perseverance. Pretty Pinterest quotes sent to me display the word. It shows up in my Bible studies, my leisurely reading, the radio, my podcasts … the word is everywhere. Chelsea, keep persevering.

What does that even mean?

The word first came to me in a study that said – “Between any trial and that blessing that comes from that trial, there is a pathway I must walk – that pathway is perseverance.” The book continued by saying “Perseverance means having an urgency, firmness, resolve and consistency.”

I felt like that definition wasn’t strong enough, so I turned to my good friend, Mr. Dictionary, and dove in for a richer meaning.

Perseverance: Steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles or discouragement.

We are all faced with difficulties, obstacles and discouragement. Maybe you share in our struggle of infertility, facing a miscarriage or another negative cycle. Or maybe you carry the struggle of finding a job and wanting to provide for your family, but continue to be told “no thank you” … maybe it’s striving for a better diet and exercise routine, wanting to push past unhealthy habits and begin a lifestyle as a healthier you. There are so many obstacles in life, too many to list. And more often than not, just when we feeling like we are getting ahead, something strikes us back down. A bad day, a curt word, another failure, seeing someone else succeed … and you just want to give up. Don’t.

Storms suck. Some days they never seem like they are going to end. I get mad that God isn’t a genie who magically answers all my prayers in my timing. It’s so frustrating when you are waiting and discouraged and nothing seems to change. What do we do?

Pastor Craig Groeschel gave a sermon back in April about being in the storm and the importance of persevering. He shared this verse in James that I love –

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Here’s the thing – it’s easy to give up. It’s easy to give into the voices believing that it will never happen, you are not good enough, you don’t have that strength, you can’t. What’s harder is pushing through the doubt, the struggle, the exhaustion and remaining persistent despite what “logic” says.

I believe that what God has placed on your heart – whether it’s a dream, a calling, a passion, or a purpose – He will be faithful to provide it. It may not be in our timing (in fact, it often isn’t in our timing), but it will be perfect when it comes. We don’t always feel like believing that but as Charles Parkhurst says “We have taken a great step towards maturity when we trust God without relying on our feelings.”

Perseverance persists when it doesn’t make sense. Perseverance continues to push forward when circumstances and past failures shout that you can’t. Perseverance doesn’t stop trying, doesn’t stop hoping, and doesn’t stop acting. Perseverance is lifting up the same prayer request day in and day out and pleading for an answer – maybe for one week, six months, 2 years, or 15 years. Perseverance sets your faith as your foundation and pursues your heart’s calling no matter how many times you feel struck down and defeated.

So how do we persevere when we have hardly anything left in us? Charles Spurgeon says “Keep your eye simply on Him; let His death, His sufferings, His merits, His glories, His intercession, be fresh upon thy mind; when you wake in the morning look to Him; when thou lie down at night look to Him. Oh! Let not your hopes or fears come between thee and Jesus; follow hard after Him, and He will never fail you.”

And so, we persist. We remind ourselves that we are capable and able of pushing forward, trying one more time, hoping in what we do not see and believing that with God, ALL things are possible.

“Be persistent in prayer, and keep alert as you pray, giving thanks to God.” (Colossians 4:2 GNT)

(And of course some cute Pinterest images, because, well, they are pretty and inspirational.)

google.

July 7, 2014July 7, 201420 Comments

Fear is a nasty thing.

My baby dog Cali has been acting a little abnormal lately. It hasn’t been long, a week or two at best. An accident while she was sleeping, brushed off as she was sleeping too soundly and didn’t wake up in time. An increase in water intake, clearly from it being so hot outside. But then she got these sick, sad eyes and would look at me and I just knew in my mom gut something wasn’t right.

After another accident this weekend, I assumed the worst. (Naturally). So when you are worried, what’s the best thing to do?

Pray, call, make a doctor appointment, think positively and wait until your appointment.

Well, yes, that is the right thing. Unfortunately that’s not what I did. I turned to Google. (Never a good idea).

What I learned was that Cali likely has diabetes or Cushing’s Disease. So I continued to “research”, staying up on my phone till 3:00 am, reading article after article about what this means for her life span and quality of life, while letting my brain race.

The next day, the day the vet was of course closed, I couldn’t shake the anxiety in my stomach that I was going to lose Cali. Of course her dying was the natural thing to assume. Could I hold her while she was put to sleep? Would I survive it? What was wrong with her?

All of my worries ran through my mind like a fire in Colorado, one that couldn’t be put out. I felt physically sick to my stomach. It started in my tummy, like a burning rock that made me want to throw up. Then it spread up to my diaphragm, like hot lava spreading up to my heart, which ached, then up my throat, sitting there like a form of acid. The anxiety of losing my furbaby, the one who has been by my side for 8 years and licked my tears and cuddling against my barren stomach was too much for me to process.

I KNEW better than to let myself go. I recited all the verses I knew about worry and anxiety and trusting God. In fact, I actually begin to think that God was going to take Cali from me as some sort of test of my faith (because I haven’t been through enough) and all day I plead with God, trying to convince Him that I was strong enough without this test of faith.

I was stumped. How could I be praying, reading scripture, and yet so physically ill from the anxiety? Wasn’t the peace of God supposed to take away this pit in my stomach? What was I doing wrong? I had faith that God could heal Cali, but was assuming He wasn’t. I was being honest to Him with my emotions, scribbling down in my journal I’m so scared today Lord. I know you know how much I love Cali and I am terrified that I am going to lose her. I know I would survive but the thought of having to go through that pain paralyzes me and makes me anxious. God, you are a healer and I pray for healing for Cali and Lord, you also are a comforter and I pray that you comfort my heart and calm my anxious thoughts, surrounding them with your peace.

And still the anxiety grew. I couldn’t eat dinner. I couldn’t disengage from the fear. I read Steven Furtick’s words about fear – “…if left alone, it (fear) tends to compound, spread and destroy. Little fears can cohabitate and combine to form levels of anxiety and terror that will annihilate our awareness of the presence of God….therefore, our approach to dealing with fear cannot be passive. Because fear doesn’t evaporate. It must be evicted.”

I was letting the fear destroy me, trusting God but trusting Google more. I was engaging the fear by just looking up “one more thing”. It was awful. I was expecting the fear to evaporate instead of being proactive to just STOP playing the “what-if’s” in my head and setting the phone down. Josh eventually was able to pry the phone from my hands (which resulted in me missing lots of texts, sorry for my abrupt absence to those texting). And then I just had to wait.

Josh prayed for Cali and I and that made me feel better. I took a sleeping pill (the only logical thing to do to stop the voices) and made an appointment for the first thing this morning.

I teared up as I brought Cali to the car, for some reason terrified that they wouldn’t give her back to me if something was wrong. Lord please, any other sacrifice …

(Side note – isn’t it funny how dramatic our brains can be when in FEAR MODE? Logic makes no sense, even typing this now I am wondering how I let myself get so out of control. But that voice just fed on itself and unfortunately, I let it.)

I talked to the vet, spilling out my concerns … a few accidents, maybe drinking more or maybe just hot, sad eyes that have nothing to do with the fireworks, I think … I just know … diabetes? Dying? The look of empathy he gave me was calming, Is she eating normally? (yes) Is she showing a lack of interest in everything? (no, I had to tear her away from her toys to get her into the car this morning) Is her belly bloated? (No) The questions continued and I realized my Google research lead me astray a bit. They brought her back and took a urine sample (poor little pup and the catheter) and some blood work. While we waited Cali demonstrated her tricks for the techs (balancing and high fives and rolling and spinning in a circle and such) – all clearly evidence that she was on her last leg, right? Sigh.

Well, the results are in. She doesn’t have diabetes or Cushing’s Disease. She has a slight UTI and low estrogen (like her mom, go figure), which is causing slight incontinence. Are you sure she isn’t dying??? (“She has some of the best blood work and urine results we have seen, she is extremely healthy and has a long life ahead of her.”) And no diabetes? (“Not a trace.”). And so we were off, with antibiotics in hand and a low-dose estrogen that she will take twice a day for the rest of her long life.

That was a lot of worry for nothing. And how I wish I could have told my yesterday-self that it would all work out like this. SHE WILL BE FINE. Stop the voice. But I just couldn’t build up enough strength to trust God and stop my racing mind. I wish there was a “Peace of God” pill, but there isn’t. I know next time to stay off of Google – to EVICT the fear by stopping my thoughts. By running the other way and to NOT play out all of the what-if’s before they come true. I wish I could say next time an anxiety attack like this hits, that I can say I will have it under control, but it’s so hard.

“Jesus stood up and commanded the wind, “Be quiet!” and he said to the waves, “Be still!” The wind died down, and there was a great calm. Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Why are you frightened? Do you still have no faith?” (Mark 4:39-40 GNT)

When I read these verses today, I couldn’t help but feel God was speaking directly to me – Chelsea, why are you so frightened? Do you still not believe that I have things under control? That you can trust me? That you have nothing to fear because you always will have my protection over you? Trust me, regardless of the outcomes.

What a struggle this is! One I will continue to work on. I wish I was better at trusting. It’s a muscle that I need to continue to work on and I know that in order to work on it, I need to face situations in my life that require trust. It’s scary, but not as scary as the what-if’s. He’s got my back.

In the meantime, send us good luck wishes as we attempt to get a very stubborn little dog to take her antibiotics twice a day. And send Josh well wishes as he now has to live with two hormonally-imbalanced ladies. HA! :)