wanting.

June 11, 20147 Comments

Let’s go ahead and list some things that we want: I want to not have to worry about gluten, carbs or sugars. I want Cali to live forever (or at least the same amount of time as me). I want to be able to fit into those size 4 jeans that are on clearance at Nordstrom Rack. I want to live in a warm state year round, where my windows can always stay open without the worry about freezing to death or sweating profusely. I want to have a family, one with babies crying in the middle of the night and toddler hand prints marking my windows. I want to have a Starbucks drive thru a block from my house and I want fresh flowers to always grace my kitchen with their presence. Simple enough, right?

Wanting is a perplexing thing. Some things I want are obtainable, and others things seem so impossible that it leaves me frustrated since I simply can‘t wish it into existence. We have been raised in a society where we are told we can “be anything we want to be”. I always thought that statement was stupid, even as a child, knowing that even if I wanted to be an astronaut, putting my mind to it would likely not make it realistic. Well, you know what world, I want to be a mom! Let’s make it happen, snap snap!

But the truth is, even with science and technology what it is, sometimes that wish just isn’t as easy as it seems. In fact, we have been so lucky to have medically tried as much as we have. 6 clomid cycles, 3 (4? 5?) Femara cycles and IUI’s, 4 rounds of IVF, acupuncture and naturopathic appointments … all without insurance coverage? Yuck. I see friends of mine wanting a family so badly, yet the reality of the expenses that come with infertility treatments will forever prevent them from venturing down a more hands-on treatment. Adoption and surrogate costs are astronomically high as well. We are so blessed that we have even been able to try as much as we have.

Well World, a little piece of advice, sometimes you can’t be anything you want to be or do everything you want to do. Let’s be honest, I don’t think these hips of mine (and PCOS pooch) will ever fit into size 4 jeans. I have friends who ache because they thought they would be married by this stage of life or be further in their career or have a family. Wanting and trying just isn’t enough sometimes.

So then what? What happens when our expectations fall short of reality? I have found that when I focus my attention on what I want, my attention is so heightened to what I can’t have that it becomes an obsession. Never before in my life have I wanted to sit down and eat an entire loaf of Wonder Bread until I knew I couldn’t have gluten. Now I dream about it. (Kinda kidding, but not really.)

But what if I start letting go of the pursuit a bit? I am finding that simply loosening the reigns of the aggressive drive is helping me to minimize the adrenaline of the chase. And when that adrenaline goes down a little bit, the obsession lessens and suddenly I can see things a bit more clearly. (And the risk of idolatry lessens – more on that topic on a post from 2012 linked here.)

Don’t get me wrong – I still want (badly) to become a mom and have kids. I don’t think that will ever go away unless God does some major work on my heart, but what I am saying is I shouldn’t be obsessed with chasing that. Because the truth is, right now, our desires aren’t getting us anywhere and I’m tired of feeling drained due to infertility. Granted yes, some days the smallest gesture will still break my heart – seeing a dad wipe off his kid’s chin in the food court or walking past the baby section at Target – but when we step back, Josh and I find ourselves leaving kid-centered events saying “well, that wasn’t so bad!”. And we will still protect our hearts in areas we know that are triggers. It doesn’t make sense to put yourself in a place of hurting if you can avoid it. And other times, we have to suck it up and celebrate with others. I am still allowed to feel deeply and experience a range of emotions but my contentment MUST be rooted in Him above all else.

It’s good to think big and have hopeful expectations. We serve a God who rises up to meet and exceed our expectations. But when what we want becomes an obsession that we just can’t grasp, our happiness gets sucked out of us like water spinning down a bathtub drain.

I know we can find true joy in this waiting time. It is possible to live in a content state when our joy is rooted in HIM and not our circumstances. We can still take advantages of opportunities that come our way in efforts to pursue what we pray for, but we also can savor today for what it’s worth.

Today is the ONLY June 11, 2014 that we will ever have. I shudder at the thought that the days are going by faster than ever and I just don’t want to ever look back and regret that I lost the days in life because I was obsessed with a Want. Yes, there are still days and moments that are hard! This is life. Yes, there will be tears that fall. In the words of my go-to gal Shauna Niequist “…the ability to cry is a sign of health, because it means your body and your soul agree in something, and that what your soul is feeling, your body is responding to.” But when we pay attention, we find moments that are so simple and beautiful that I want to bottle them. Exquisitely colored sunsets. The smell of onions and garlic sautéing on the stove. The sound of my nieces laughing at Cali. The softness of Josh’s hand as it holds mine. The smooth voice of Jason Mraz as the music washes through my speakers. I have missed too many of these moments because I have been focusing on my cycle day, my sadness, my medicinal side effects or frustrations. No more. No more.

Okay, now granted, I know I sound like a broken record. The truth is I slip in and out of moments of strength and determination. But I am becoming more aware of these cycles and the lapses are becoming shorter and shorter. I’m excited to see what’s ahead with the infertility boombox turned down a bit. I have a feeling this summer will be the best one yet.

See you Friday for a new Friday Favorites post! :)

friday favorites.

June 6, 2014June 6, 201416 Comments

Happy Friday friends!

My friend Lena over at Baby Ridley Bump always has a post called ‘Friday Favorites’ where she blogs on her “favorites” for the week – Moments, Purchase, Quote, Pin, Things I’m Looking Forward To, and Funnies. I enjoy reading them and have decided to *attempt* to jump on board and do a similar thing here. I know, making a weekly commitment to blogging every Friday sort of makes me flush, BUT I love the idea and accountability so let’s see how this goes. :) I am going to switch up the list a bit and will probably play with it as time goes on, but here goes nothing. Enjoy my Friday Favorites! (**update, Lena let me know she links up with Amanda who hosts this over at Meet @ the Barre. Fun stuff!!)

Favorite Moment:

This will be the toughest one for me each week I am sure. I already am struggling. TOO. MANY.

Josh and I had the chance to go to a Minnesota Twins baseball game on Wednesday night and we had a blast. He was given tickets for a work event, so we had the luxury of sitting in a box and I have to say, after living the suite life (haha, catch that play on words?), it may be hard to go back to “normal”. The food was amazing (plenty of gluten free options!), the drinks were free and the seats were big and comfy and had this thing called leg room – something I wasn’t sure existed at a baseball stadium! We enjoyed the company of Josh’s parents, laughed so much and enjoyed a GORGEOUS 73º Minnesota night. (Seriously, 73º nights were created for outdoor baseball games.) The Twins won after an exciting game against the Brewers and we felt completely spoiled to have a free date night. Oh, and as we were leaving, we got to play a funny joke on Josh’s dad and I still can’t stop giggling over it. (For his sake, I will omit it from the publicized blog.) All in all, a wonderful night!

Me and my hottie of a husband!

The view, the peanuts, the breeze – PERFECT!

Favorite Thing I Own:

A revised category since some weeks all I buy is dish soap and groceries. But who doesn’t have an item that becomes a favorite for a week that they want to share?

My friend Gina over at Gina Zeidler sent me this surprise gift this week. It’s a simple necklace, with a gorgeous long bronze chain and a glass tear drop pendent that sums up everything we believe – God wins. I was so touched to receive this in the mail and was encouraged to not only be randomly remembered by a friend, but to be given the gift of this reminder – God wins! At the end of the day, no matter what happens in this life, He has the ultimate victory. Our souls cannot be touched once we become a follower of His, therefore we are on the side of the victor. There is so much peace and reassurance in this promise! I adore this necklace.

Favorite Quote or Verse:

“…And most important, I’ll choose to believe that sometimes the happiest ending isn’t the one you keep longing for, but something you absolutely cannot see from where you are.” –Shauna Neiquist-

I can’t express to you enough how much I loved reading this! Here’s why – I trust that God has our story in His hands. I have seen Him prove Himself so faithful time and time and time again, both in the Bible and throughout this life. Rarely does the story end how I expected, but it always ends SO MUCH BETTER than I could have imagined. He is the BEST author. I get giddy when I think about what’s to come because I know and trust that it is beautiful.

Favorite Picture I Took:

A revised category based on the fact that I love taking pictures and being able to share them. Keep in mind that I only use my iPhone and do not claim to actually be *good* at taking pictures. But I enjoy it thoroughly.

Here is a favorite from the week! I was writing out some cards of encouragement with some new anchor notecards I found at Home Goods and just loved all the color that was going on. *snap*

Favorite Thing I am Looking Forward To:

One of my favorite authors, Elin Hildebrand, is coming out with a new book this Tuesday and I can’t wait to head to a favorite book store and pick it up! A friend of mine sent me this awesome card last week with a pretty realistic drawing of me, Josh, and Cali along with a gift card to that cute little bookstore I shared with you guys last month. AWESOME FRIEND POINTS!!! So I can’t wait to go down there and grab a fresh-off-the-press copy. YAY!

How awesome is this drawing and gift card?? (He thinks all Josh ever does is mow our lawn, haha, which may be accurate in the summer.)

Favorite Funnies:

My awesome hubby Josh has been sending me these funny pictures randomly throughout the week and people, I tell ya, I can’t stop laughing as I scroll through them. I hope you are equally amused, but if not, know that I have laughed enough for the both of us.

Alright – Friday Favorites! How did I do? My goal will be to try to get a “normal” post in between each one. Lofty, but attainable. So until next time, have a wonderful weekend!

burdens.

May 29, 2014May 29, 201420 Comments

The church was quiet. All eyes turned forward to listen to the older woman speaking at the microphone. Her voice cracked with tearful emotion as she begin talking about a verse in Matthew that touched her heart over the course of a year-long study we had been doing.

She began to read the words of Jesus – “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest…(Oh I love this verse, my mind began to think) … Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Rest for your souls … good stuff right there ..) For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

During the course of her reading the verse, I immediately felt like an immense weight had been lifted off my shoulders, er shoulder. Shoulder? What was that noise? And why am I physically feeling absolutely no pressure on my left shoulder?

I kept my gaze focused ahead, now confused and distracted enough by my own miraculous light-yolked left shoulder situation to no longer be listening to the woman as I gave my shoulders a subtle wiggle. And that’s when I realized what happened. My bra strap had snapped and was no longer connected on one side.

It’s in this moment where I feel that I perfected my emotional nod-with-the-crowd face while on the inside panicking at the immediate and rapid response to gravity that was happening on my left side. Oh my goodness, did anyone else notice? Thankfully all eyes seemed to be focused ahead, oblivious to the fact that a nightmare of mine was occurring. Could anyone see the strap? I casually glanced over. Oh yes, I am wearing a sheer shoulder paneled shirt today. Awesome, so yes, the ladies behind me are probably noticing the strap creeping up my back as it heads …. Yep there it goes, over my shoulder. The room broke out in applause as the woman’s sharing time was up and she walked away. I need to clap, how can I do this without creating any more movement? Ah yes, the left-arm-still, right-fingertips-lightly-tap-the-left-palm clap.

Thankfully the time ended 20 minutes after the great “unburdening” and I shuffled my way out, clutching my Bible and books tightly to my lopsided chest and broke into a huge laugh as soon as my car door shut. This would happen to me.

Anyways, the whole thing got me thinking though. If only it was that easy to just hand over our heavy burden and have that strain be taken off our shoulders! (Literally in my case above, but more realistically, figuratively in our lives.) Jesus tells us in Matthew 11 that we are to come to Him and hand over our worries, cares, anxieties, and doubts and He will give us rest for our souls. This same messaged is echoed throughout the Bible. Psalm 55:22 says “Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you.” and 1 Peter says “Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.”

But how do we do that? Here are some of my thoughts today:

1. Believe He is capable, that He cares, and that He is willing. More than any other lesson I have been learning in this season of my life, it is that if I believe in God (which I wholeheartedly do), then I need to believe His character and His words. His character is proven over and over and over again in the Bible and traits like compassion, love, mercy, grace, faithfulness, capability, deliverance, power, shine through the stories of the Old and New Testament. Because I know Him, I know that my worries, anxieties and cares are in the best hands possible and that He truly does want to carry them for me. (In fact, He already knows how this will all end.)

2. Practice. We have heard those words “practice makes perfect” before and I think in this situation, more than any, it becomes accurate. When we begin to make intentional choices to choose to give God our cares, it begins to break a mental habit that we have to carry it. We have to practice praying intentionally about that care and begin to substitute prayer for worry. We have to practice deciding to have gratitude for the problem, thankful that we have a chance to develop ourselves.

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.” Romans 5:3-5 (NLT)

3. Trust. Once we take our worries off of the spin cycle in our brain, we can begin to breath, feeling the weight starting to lessen as we remember whose hands our situation is in. That’s when we make the active choice to trust that God hasn’t forgotten about us or that He is intentionally trying to cause you harm or pain. If you are a Christ follower, then you can be assured “ that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God…” (Romans 8:28 NLT) So we make an active choice to rest in that trust.

If you are struggling today to figure out why you still feel like the burden is heavy, I prayerfully suggest that you spend some time with God today. It begins with simply forming a relationship with Him that goes both ways because it’s near impossible to trust a stranger and believe that they have good intentions.

Guys, this isn’t easy stuff! I struggle with it all the time. I give over my worry to God and then have a panic moment and race to bring it back in my hands. Some days it feels like a constant tug of war mentally, back and forth, back and forth. I trust you! WAIT!!! Kidding, kind of, here you go, I trust you …. Ummm, but what if ….

This is where practice comes in. We have to train those spiritual muscles of response just as we have to train our physical muscles. Keep verses on hand to read through when your anxiety begins to bubble. Pray. Talk to Him. And I guarantee you, with everything I have and am, that He really will give you rest and that you can be filled with a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Who would have ever thought a breaking bra strap would lead to a blog post? Haha, not me, but hey, God uses these things in our lives for a reason. I’m just thankful no one called me Droopy.

audience.

May 28, 201411 Comments

A good writer always has a purpose to their writing, at least a specific audience. As I sit down to write, I often have to ask myself “who am I writing to”? In the beginning of my entries I was writing so that others could understand this world we live in, that of infertility. Then later it turned to writing to those who were suffering with infertility, or at least a Thing in their life that was a mind consuming storm. Other posts have been written merely for me, as a therapeutic release, a way to document and get out exactly how I was feeling. Some posts are light hearted, capturing funny moments and stories, and others entering some of the rawest places of my heart. Now here I sit, on my 112^th post, reflecting back at the last 2 years of my blogging life.

I’ve come to realize that I may not have a specific purpose to my writing or a specific audience. I may not have a consistent “voice” because my life, seasons, and world is constantly changing. I may have readers that come and go, selecting certain posts to read and skipping over others. And that’s okay. Because writing opens up my soul and allows me to spit out my heart, finding words for emotions and feelings. I never imagined finding solace in front of a Word Document, but God has done some pretty neat things using these 10 little fingers of mine.

As I head into my third year of blogging, my prayer continues to be that you can find a place to relate to here – in whatever you are going through. I’m so thankful you have stopped by. I hope the scars of what’s on your heart will fade a little bit as you find someone to connect to. I do believe there can be beauty and light that shines through the darkness and it’s my goal to march on in search for peace, joy and finding more of Jesus. And of course, in keeping true to the title of my blog, with a Starbucks in hand.

Life is messy. We have dark corners, difficult hardships, losses and pain. So often in the attempt to keep a glossy, picture perfect life, we ignore the realities of our pain until it hits us like a truck at 1 am as we lie in bed. My desire for these mismatched writings of mine is merely that you can come in, find company and join in processing the questions and journey. When we face the reality that no one has a perfect life, we can enjoy the company and beauty in the moment more. We can acknowledge that maybe we aren’t as alone as we thought and that as tired as our little hearts are, they are still there, beating and breathing, slightly battered but open.

As I sit and write this, I am staring at a sign in a coffee shop that says “Life is a great big canvas and you should throw all the paint on it you can.” There are so many different ways to interpret this, but today I see it as a reminder to we need to live the life we are given. We aren’t getting any younger. Our current situation isn’t changing today and if our “worst case scenario” happens and we never have children, I would hate to look back at years of my life wishing I had embraced the moment more, not being consumed by my have-not’s instead of rejoicing in my ‘haves’. So today I am going to throw some new paint on my canvas – bright colors, shades of robin’s egg blue and coral. I’m going to drink caffeine (gasp!) and go barefoot in the grass. Time to splatter this canvas.

All of that said, truly, thanks for reading. Thanks for joining me in the mismatched thinking of my brain and for being part of my story, even if it’s just through a browser on the internet. Let’s keep each other company, portraying life as it is, and weeding through the storms together. I may not have a clear audience or writing style, but I’m me … so I’m okay with that.

moments.

May 21, 201411 Comments

“Life hands us opportunities at every turn to get over ourselves, to get outside ourselves, to wake up from our own bad dreams and realize that really lovely things are happening all the time.” Shauna Niequist

I loved this quote as soon as I read it. How wonderful is it to be able to stop and realize all of the lovely things that are happening around us? I know I have fallen victim to self-pity, complaining and wallowing at times but I am thankful for the continued work that God does on my heart that works to steer me back to a spirit of gratitude. So, in efforts to “see the lovely things that are happening all the time”, I dedicate this post to my Top 10 favorite moments of the last 2 weeks. So here you go, in no particular order …

1. Books. I love them. About 2 weeks ago I stumbled upon a cute bookstore in St. Paul. While the selection of books was small, the quaintness of the store made me smile and posed for a perfect photo opp. Who wouldn’t want to snuggle up here and read all day?

Also, I am obsessed with this book. (Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist) Shauna is also the author of Cold Tangerines and Bread & Wine, both which I HIGHLY recommend. I feel like I can’t get enough of her writing. Along with my pen, highlighter and cozy chair, this book has brought joy and reliability into my life these last few weeks.

2. Mother’s Day. What a SPECIAL day this was! First of all, I loved being able to celebrate my mom and spending time as a family with her. We enjoyed beautiful weather, spent time at a bookstore (do you see a trend in my life?), grilled out and laughed. Secondly, it was a day that made me feel so loved and cared for by others. You guy, my heart was so full. I am so blessed by all of the people who thought of me and sent loving cards, texts, messages and posts. My home was filled with flowers, caffeine and love and I am so thankful for the prayers of many. You all made what could have been a tough day, very very special.

3. A new baby. My great friends, Paul and Anna, celebrated a beautiful series of answered prayers as they welcomed their daughter Kate Molly to this world. Kate and her family have a beautiful story and God moved in evident ways in her arrival. She is a joy to celebrate!!!

4. Tea. As a Mother’s Day celebration, my sister and I took our mom out for a formal seated tea and boy, did we have fun! We spent a lazy, beautiful afternoon tucked inside an old refurbished home sipping tea and eating delicious gluten free goodies. A new memory for the books!

5. A bridal shower. My friend Anne Marie is getting married in July and I had a wonderful time gathering with friends and celebrating this beautiful bride-to-be. (Can I just note that I am 5′ 8″ and not as short as I seem to be in these photos?)

6. Time with my nieces. Seriously, I know everyone says they have the cutest nieces ever but I’m sorry, I win by a landslide. Scarlett and Kinsley joined Cali and I for a fun morning together, complete with baking, a tea party, fairy races with our pet unicorns and a joint effort to save the whales that were caught in a net in my backyard. (Gotta love those 2 and 3 year old imaginations!) They were so excited to help make “special princess cookie bisquits” (aka scones), although I don’t think they were as impressed with the finished product. In the words of Scarlett, “I don’t think I like the scones but I like the jelly.” Cali was thrilled with the opportunity to wait patiently for a sneakily slipped crumb and this Auntie loved the memories created. And yes, in case you are wondering, we did manage to save all the whales.

7. Beautiful weather and summer food. Sigh, This Minnesota girl is THRILLED that not only have we had weather in the double digits the last 3 months, but that we are now seeing numbers in the 60’s and 70’s!! AHHH! We have been able to sit outside on the porch in the evening and watch the sunset, with good music playing and a book in hand. Last night we had a mother deer and her fawn join us too, which would have been tranquil had Cali not noticed and assumed that they were mass murders coming to assassin us. (Deer not pictured so please don’t strain your eyes attempting to find them.)

Oh, and the tomatoes are finally turning red and delicious. One of my favorite summer lunches includes tossing tomatoes with fresh mozzarella and avocado and drizzling it with basil olive oil (or fresh basil when my garden is ready) and a yummy, thick aged balsamic vinegar. Y-U-M.

8. A baby shower. My sweet friend Heidi is expecting a precious little BOY in July and we were able to gather with our church community and celebrate his upcoming arrival. The day was complete with decorating adorable onsies and penning funny sayings on diapers, which inevitably lead to many laughs. I can’t wait to snuggle him!

9. Acupuncture and a new experience – cupping! I am excited to share that I am completely healed up from my laparoscopy last month and we are back on the baby making road again. We continue to try naturally (versus the medicated cycles as in the past), and it’s been exciting to see my body continue to regulate itself. We continue to stay hopeful for a miracle. I have never done acupuncture sessions during a non-medicated cycle and we are looking forward to see what it does and how it helps. My acupuncturist also tried cupping this last session and while it looks scary (in her words “you may look like someone beat you with a lead pipe, so make sure not to wear a backless shirt.”), it doesn’t hurt at all and is worth a try! (Although my entire wardrobe has been eliminated with the “no-backless” restrictions …. HA! Kidding!!!!)

10. Cali. Of course I couldn’t end this list without sharing my love and adoration for my little furbaby. She has had a strange new fascination with this stuffed dinosaur that she has had for years and I couldn’t help but smile and snap a picture as she carried him onto our bed the other day while watching the squirrels in the yard. Oh this little peanut brings me so much joy.

Oh, and because this is my blog and I can – I am adding in an 11 –

11. Gilmore Girls and time with my hubby. My husband is the best ever and lovingly spent an entire Friday night rewatching hours of Gilmore Girls with me just because it makes me happy. He is my best friend and Gilmore Girls is my favorite show so putting them together just brings me joy.

What would be on your list? I never want to forget the beautiful things in my life. Could I make a list of 10 tough moments from the last 2 weeks? Of course! We ALL have tough moments in our lives. Flat tires, health scares, dealing with change and stress – these things happen too. But we have such a wonderful opportunity to embrace the good, celebrate the joy, and battle through the tough times with a smile on our face. In the words of Jason Mraz “La-la-la-la-la-la Life is wonderful ….”

happy mother’s day.

May 10, 201418 Comments

Mother’s Day – two words that evokes a range of emotions for many women. I recently ran across this prayer written by a woman named Amy Young, who recognizes the full and complex spectrum of motherhood. I found it so beautiful and only fitting to share here:

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you.

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you.

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you.

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you.

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you.

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you.

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you.

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you.

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience.

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst.

To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day.

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be.

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths.

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you.

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you.

To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart.

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you.

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

For many women struggling with infertility, Mother’s Day is almost unbearable at times. But please, I don’t want you to think it is because we are filled with envy, bitterness or jealous towards mothers – we aren’t. We recognize and appreciate them SO much. Our own mom’s, our mother-in-laws, our aunts who took up special mothering roles (like the “cool” secret keeper …. except now as adults we realize you probably did tell our mom.), grandmothers, mentors, friends … we are BLESSED to have so many Proverbs 31 women in our life that have invested life into us and those around us. We honor these women, like Jesus did with His own mother, and treasure you. We honor the snotty noses you have wiped, the late night vomit you have cleaned up, the millions of crushed cheerios you have swept up and the zillion times you have had to watch Frozen. Your children are a blessing and you see that and we hope you feel immense gratitude and appreciation from your family this weekend especially.

So no, we don’t find mother’s day unbearable because we are bitter. It’s just that this day can be a gigantic reminder that we have unfulfilled longings. Longings that leave a gargantuan hole in our heart and Mother’s Day can feel like someone grabbed a block of salt and began rubbing it in our already-sensitive wound. It takes a lot of strength on Mother’s Day to focus on anything but that hole and some years may be better than others. Avoiding church services or special programs may be done simply to avoid the temptation to make ourselves pick the sadness scab. Please don’t take it personal if we decline an event – depending on how the heart hole feels that day, it may simply be that we don’t want to take anything away from YOU by attending.

Last night I was reading John 16 and was deeply moved by verse 21: “When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for she has joy that a human being has been born into the world.” This verse brought God’s presence into my room like a snap. It reminded me that the moments of sorrow can feel so great and overwhelming, however, when that moment comes and the Lord answers our prayers, we will no longer remember the anguish for that joy will be overwhelming.

I love the Message’s transition of verses 21-22: “When a woman gives birth, she has a hard time, there’s no getting around it. But when the baby is born, there is joy in the birth. This new life in the world wipes out memory of the pain. The sadness you have right now is similar to that pain, but the coming joy is also similar. When I see you again, you’ll be full of joy, and it will be a joy no one can rob from you. You’ll no longer be so full of questions.”

So, to my friends who are struggling this Mother’s Day, I urge you to focus on the joy that is coming. Focus on the fact that you are already a mother thanks to your mothering heart. You have likely impacted someone around you – a niece or nephew, a cousin or sibling, a friend’s child or the children in the church nursery – in a way that blesses them with love. Perhaps we have yet to understand that “link” between a mother and her child, but that doesn’t mean that on Mother’s Day you have to be disregarded. You have already demonstrated such love and strength for your future family that you shouldn’t be unnoticed today. I pray that your hearts are filled with peace as this day arrives and that instead of feeling an unbearable pain, you are filled with a hope for the future and are appreciated by those around you.

To my own angel babies – Mommy loves you so much! I know if you could have, you would have been here with me on this day. Your life was short but now your life is eternal in the best place. You have some very special company up there too – many other angel babies of dear friends of mine. If you could all get together today and touch each Mommy’s heart and through God’s strength, renew us with renewed fight to keep pursuing your siblings. You are so loved and your absence is felt by us here on this earth.

This Mother’s Day, I celebrate the women with children on this earth and also the 1 Samuel 1 women. Friends, take comfort in the fact that God hears the cries of all of our hearts and will draw near to us as we draw near to Him. The chapter in John closes by Jesus saying “… Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in My name, He will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.” We will keep asking, in HIS name, and as we seek Him, our joy will be full.

Happy Mother’s Day to all my friends with a mother’s heart.

To my own mom – Happy Mother’s Day! I love you so much!

To my mother-in-law Lori, I couldn't imagine having a better MIL! Love you so much! Happy Mother's Day! And also, to my sister-in-law Monica, Happy Mother's Day to the mom of my beautiful nieces.

Happy Mother’s Day to my mother-in-law Lori, I couldn’t imagine having a better MIL! Love you lots! And also, to my sister-in-law Monica, Happy Mother’s Day to the mom of my beautiful nieces. So blessed by both of you godly women.

And a special thanks to this little girl, Cali, who has made me a mom. (This was from her 8th birthday last month.) Mommy loves you way more than is probably healthy. :)

And a special thanks to this little girl, Cali, who has made me a mom. (This was from her 8th birthday last month.) Cali, Mommy loves you way more than is probably healthy. :)

A beautiful card I received – so blessed!

Thanks to K-Love radio for posting this.

resolve to know more.

April 23, 201415 Comments

This week marks an important week in the world of infertility as it is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). It’s a week where people can unite and help educate others about infertility and what it all entails. I have been so grateful that thanks to my blog and social media, we have been able to share our own story and build a network of support as we fight this.

Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples. 1 in 8. That’s tragic. It’s a disease that doesn’t discriminate – it touches men and women. The highs on this journey can be high and the lows can be devastatingly low. You can’t just dip your foot into this world. When you deal with infertility, you tend to be all in – invested fully with your heart and body. There are days when you feel fine and then without any warning, something triggers your emotions and you unravel very quickly. You learn to grieve as you are forced to face your own reality over and over again. Infertility is hard on relationships as you navigate feelings of brokenness, guilt, jealousy, frustration, sadness and anger. There are friendship causalities along the way.

This year, RESOLVE has set the theme for NIAW by spreading the message “Resolve to know more”. This can be taken in many different ways – for those supporting someone with infertility, it may be resolving to know more about what to say to your friend or learning more about the disease they face. For those struggling with infertility, it may be resolving to know more about when to see a fertility specialist or knowing more about the options ahead for your family. (Check out the links at the bottom of this page with lots of resources!)

To my readers that are supporting someone that is struggling with infertility:

Thank you. Thank you for reading this. Thank you for being interested enough to spend time investing in your knowledge of infertility. Thank you for trying, caring, and loving us. In the spirit of education, here are some great ways to support someone you care about: Let your friend know you care. Become educated in what they are struggling with, not to offer advice but to be more aware of what they are suffering from. If your friend chooses to open up to you, please act interested. Ask them what they need. If you are friends with the husband, don’t forget about him either. Often times it’s even harder for men to talk about how this is affecting them. Support them in whatever they decide, whether that’s pursuing treatments or not. You know Mother’s Day and Father’s Day? Remember them on it. This is often one of the most painful holidays that we encounter and simple acknowledgement of us on that day means so much. Offer to come to doctors appointments with us if you can. We may not take you up on it, but it means a lot to know that you care to do so. Pray for us and offer hugs and simple words of encouragement. We truly are so blessed and lucky to have you in our lives. People like YOU make this struggle easier.

To my readers that are newly diagnosed or quietly struggling with infertility:

I am so sorry. I am so sorry that you have to go through this awful heartache. I am so sorry that your heart breaks as you navigate baby shower and listen to pregnancy talk without anyone being aware of your pain. I am so sorry that you are scared – not knowing what’s ahead and worrying about what your future may hold. If I can offer you any advice, please take the time to learn about when it’s time to talk to a doctor. 91% of people who struggle with infertility wish that they had sought medical attention earlier. If you don’t feel comfortable with your current doctor or the plan, find someone else. If you are uneasy about what you are being told, do some research yourself. And try to find someone to talk to, even if it is completely anonymous. Start an instagram account that is not linked to your facebook account or last name and search for hashtags like #ttc and #infertility. There will be an entire world of support available to you behind those doors. Or tell a close friend that you can trust. It is so difficult to suffer silently. I wish I could give you a hug. I completely understand the decision to be quiet about your battle but know you may receive so much more support than you realize.

To my readers who are vocal about their infertility:

Thank you. Thank you for being the voice of many. Thank you for being willing to share your story. Talking about infertility has become so taboo since it deals with sex and intimacy. Your bravery is shining. Please don’t give up. Don’t lose hope. Continue to advocate for yourself. Be in tune with your emotions. There may be a time where the depression that is linked to infertility battles becomes too much and you need to reach out for help. Many reproductive specialists will offer the names and numbers of counselors to talk to. Take advantage of their professional support when you are feeling so overwhelmed by this. Do everything you can to not pick the scab on your heart. Don’t be afraid to grieve but also don’t be afraid to laugh. Speak up when someone has hurt you but don’t personalize everything. Remember to ask yourself what the person’s intentions were, as it likely wasn’t to inflict pain. Know that you are valuable regardless of what your family looks like. You matter.

To everyone reading this today, I challenge you to pray for someone that is struggling – even if you are someone struggling yourself. Maybe it’s someone you know or someone random. (Check out the hashtags of #niaw and #1in8 on Instagram or Facebook. Your page will be flooded with the faces of couples who are battling this fight.) Pray for a healthy pregnancy, pray for healing of their bodies, pray for wisdom for them as they navigate their treatment options, pray for peace to flood their hearts, pray for their spirits and their joy to be refilled, pray for their faith to be strengthened, pray for their marriage to withhold the stress of this struggle, pray for the medical team working with them and pray for those in their life that support them.

Josh and I are 1 in 8. We are doing everything we can to not let this disease define us and it’s one of the hardest and most heartbreaking situations we could ever imagine going through. Yet, still we have hope because we are not alone in our fight. We have a Savior who stands with us in it all, we have the love and support of many, we have the wisdom of doctors and we have each other – all of this certainly sets us up for success.

Here are some resources for those wanting to learn a basic understanding of the disease of infertility, for those who want to learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week, or that wants to read more facts from my NIAW blog last year.

it’s friday, but sunday comes.

April 18, 201415 Comments

As I sit in front of my computer, I keep praying that I would somehow blink and when I open my eyes, this post would be fully written and God will have somehow written out the words I am to write today. Because honestly, blogging on Good Friday feels enormously overwhelming to me, simply because I have so many thoughts and emotions running through me that I know that I will not be able to do justice to articulate what today means.

Today is Friday. Today is the day my Lord was beaten, spit on, stripped, mocked, restrained, humiliated, laughed at, forsaken and killed. Today is a day that Jesus willingly walked in to, knowing what it would cost Him. (“Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done.” Luke 22:42) Today is the day where eternity was changed, where my sins, my disgusting behaviors, were nailed to the cross and the curtain was torn, making personal, daily relationships with our Savior possible.

Today overwhelms me. Today reminds me of the cost that was paid for the ability to spend eternity with my Lord. So often we fast forward through today, we lump this weekend together as “Easter weekend” and speak merely of the resurrection, but we forget about Friday. We forget about the pain, the death, the sorrow, and the sacrifice that was needed in order to get to Sunday.

If you have never seen this video, I encourage you to watch it. It’s based on S.M. Lockridge’s sermon and I can’t make it through the first “It’s Friday …” without the tears welling up.

“It’s Friday. The world’s winning. People are sinning. And evil’s grinning. It’s Friday. The soldiers nail my Savior’s hands to the cross. They nail my Savior’s feet to the cross. And then they raise him up next to criminals. It’s Friday. But let me tell you something, Sunday’s comin’.”

Here’s the thing, Sunday does come. Just as Jesus went through Friday and Saturday, He got to Sunday – and what a beautiful, victorious day that was. Sometimes in our life, we go through seasons of Fridays and Saturdays. The days of grief and pain, the days of feeling forsaken and the days where it seems everyone has turned on you. We go through the silence of the Saturdays. Where we mourn and we don’t know what’s going on. The pain is so confusing, the comfort we thought was coming doesn’t come and our world seems empty. And perhaps our Saturdays stretch into long periods of time, feeling like they will never end. Why? Why is this happening? We begin the prayer of Jesus and ask for the cup to be removed, the pain to go away, the trial to be lifted. We deserve that! We deserve our miracle. We don’t deserve to go through this pain! Ah, our selfish hearts. We forget to follow up our prayers with the second half of Jesus’ prayer in Luke, “Nevertheless not my will but yours be done.” Here’s the thing though, Sunday does come. Sunday may take a little longer to get here for some of us, but Sunday does come. There is victory to be found. It may not look like what you imagined it to look like, but I guarantee, it will be better than you expected. The stone will be rolled away. The linens will be stripped off and there will be freedom found.

“And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly…” (Luke 22:45a) How often, when we are in great agony, do we pray more earnestly? I tend to find myself in those times simply complaining more, venting more, talking about it more, but do I pray more earnestly? Do I begin to sweat like great drops of blood falling to the ground? That intense prayer. That’s what praying not my will, but yours be done looks like. That’s trusting in our Father.

Today is a reminder to me that even Jesus, the Son of Man and Lord of Lords had to suffer. (And suffer doesn’t even seem like a nearly strong enough word, it’s been far too dulled down.) My “sufferings” seem so small, petite, tiny, minuscule, compared to what He went through. Today empowers me to remember that because of this weekend – because of His death and resurrection – we have already won. We have all we need.

Craig Groeschel says, “The right perspective changes everything. When all you can think of is what you want to complain about, you can be pretty miserable and ungrateful. But when you shift your focus, your heart changes. Instead of being poisoned by ingratitude, you’re transformed by gratitude and contentment.”

My prayer for all of us this Easter is that we can become more aware of the sacrifice we have been given and then, begin to shift our eyes and our focus from ourselves and our own sufferings, and develop a spirit of gratitude for all we have been given, starting with the gift of salvation for those who choose Him.

Sunday comes. God wins. Death is squelched. Praise the Lord!!!

field trips, jokes and fresh air.

April 16, 201414 Comments

I just sat down at the coffee shop. Okay, by “just” I mean about 3 and a half hours ago, but I am finally getting to writing a post. It’s an easily distractible world! There is the constant commotion at the counter, visitors stopping by (Hi Mom!), the chairs getting moved around, eavesdropping on others conversations … I find myself being so grateful to be out of the house for a change that I am finding a whole new appreciation for the sounds of the milk steamer and clanking of change as people throw in a few cents as a tip.

The cutest old man walked up to me and asked me if he could sit at the chair across from me. He carried over a muffin and a cup of coffee and despite the open chairs all around, apparently just wanted some company. So across from me he sat at our little 2 person table with my laptop in between us. He asked what I was doing and saw my Bible sitting next to me from a study I was working on. “Oh. I used to read that when I was 16.” He has told me a few jokes, but not without first asking for permission. “Do you have time for another joke?” He made a few cute comments about winter and when I told him to be safe on the roads, told me that I was taking all of the adventure out of his day by giving him orders like that. I heard a story about his friends Tom, Dick, and Harry (yes, it did end up being another joke, but not the kind that you’re imagining, the punch line was about a pet bird being eaten.) And then he said goodbye, got another muffin to go and is back out on the roads. It was refreshing to see someone pursue interaction like that and he left by letting me know that he would be celebrating Easter. So cute.

Anyways, it’s me, Chelsea. I realize I haven’t posted in 2 weeks (yikes) and wanted to apologize for that. I just opened my laptop today for the first time since my last post. And can I be honest? I am so OVER my last two weeks that I don’t want to talk about it at all. For those of you who aren’t friends with me through another social media avenue, I need to let you know that surgery went very well and that the doctor found no endometriosis, that my tubes are open and that there was no visible organ issues. The only thing she found was a polyp on my uterus that she removed and will test, but said that she wasn’t concerned whatsoever. So that is good news – it eliminated many concerns and we are thankful for that. Unfortunately it didn’t answer any of the questions about the pains I have been having, but I will process all that another day. I meet with my doctor on Friday now to go over the pictures and hear from her exactly what she saw.

The last 2 weeks have included the surgery, many naps, the death of a wonderful family friend who’s absence is incredibly felt, a lot of love received in the form of texts, cards, emails, flowers, gift cards, ice cream, coffee and meals, time at our urgency center finding out I have a nasty intestinal infection that may or may not be related to the surgery, IV bags of fluids, pills, pills and more pills, tears, gaining 7 pounds of bloat and then losing 15 pounds of bloat (and hydration), a desperate call to my bestie (who thankfully was having a slow day at work), several word vomit texts, finding out sad news on a few different levels, and finally – finally! – rounding a bend just yesterday.

I am tired of talking about myself. I am tired of not feeling well. And contrary to my last post, am tired of being asked how I am doing, because then I have to answer and feel frustrated that I am not feeling “fine”. I kept trying to keep everything in perspective – it would pass, the sickness and soreness was not permanent, and in perspective of what others were dealing with, was so small. But my brain was (is) so tired. I just want to be past everything. I don’t like complaining. I don’t like that a week ago those stupid pains came back, the ones that the surgery would hopefully fix. I hate that after all this, we are still no closer to our family than we were before – in fact, all the physical fighting done in the last 12 days didn’t even have anything to do with that (which maybe is why it felt so overwhelming?). I don’t know. I am just so glad it’s over. Can I say that? I am praying each day is better than the day before and NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS.

So today was my field trip day. Despite attending a wake last week and dragging myself through church on Sunday (thankfully without passing out), I’ve been painfully secluded due to feeling so icky. (Granted, I had some family visitors and when I am not feeling well, would rather be alone, so friends, please don’t feel bad for not visiting.) But all in all, today has been a great day. So seriously, thank you Lord for bringing healing!

My old man visitor today made me smile. The fresh air, despite it being cold and blizzardy, has been refreshing. My hot tea has tasted delicious and my latest book has brought a smile to my face. Today is beautiful. And as I sit and listen to my music, I feel His presence sitting on my heart, reminding me that I am not alone. That none of this is in vain. That He has uniquely designed me to need Him above all else. And so, yes, I wish I had handled my attitude the last 2 weeks a little differently. I wish I hadn’t allowed myself to feel so mentally drained and I wish that I would have turned to His Word more than I had turned to the TV, but we learn right?

“You calm the storms and you give me rest. You hold me in your hands, You won’t let me fall. You steal my heart and you take my breath away.” (Lifehouse – Everything)

do something.

April 2, 201422 Comments

“I just don’t want to say the wrong thing.”

This is something I frequently hear and I can be honest, yes, sometimes people say the “wrong thing”. At times, it’s intentional, someone suffering “worse” than you and wanting to cut into your heart so it makes them feel better. (I will never understand this.) But other times, it’s simply someone saying something with good intentions but with naivety to your emotions and it catches you off guard, causing you pain as you reflect on the conversation.

Both offenses are forgivable with the right heart. The intentional persons words being dismissed and often causing me more sadness to know that someone is struggling so much and without any joy. The naïve friend’s words let go because I know their hearts are in the right place, even if the words stung.

But what I am learning is that it’s the people who say nothing that hurt the most.

It’s the people who know you had a tough week and avoid eye contact and walk the other way. It’s the friends who don’t respond to your text messages when you need them the most. It’s the awkward land when you know they know what’s going on and yet you never hear from them.

I am constantly touched by the people who reach out, the ones who send emails, texts, Facebook messages, cards. I can’t tell you how much it fills my heart to get a message from someone I haven’t talked to in 10 years letting me know I am in their prayers. When people share that they have cried with us, it moves me in a way that is difficult to put into words. It means something. It’s not awkward, in fact, if you have been following along quietly on someone’s story – anyone’s! – I strongly encourage you to reach out. It’s the supporters that come along side us that mean so much, it keeps us going.

You may not know what to say. You know what’s perfectly acceptable? Admitting “I don’t know what to say, I just want you to know I am thinking about you.” You don’t know what to do? Send a card. You don’t have their address? Send a Facebook message or ask a mutual friend. This doesn’t just go for someone dealing with infertility, this applies to anyone struggling with something painful. The loss of a family member. Being let go from a job. Struggling with financial payments. Hearing news that a spouse wants to separate. Surviving a miscarriage. Watching a wayward child make painful decisions. Hearing of an illness. Dealing with post partum depression. Just feeling a little lost.

Do something.

I have dropped the ball many times. I hear about a friend who has gone through something difficult and mean to pick up the phone, and then too much time passes and I never do. I see a Facebook status about a tough time and have the best intentions to connect, but forget. I have many cards and emails that go unwritten and phone calls that don’t get placed.

So often we don’t want to say the wrong thing, which is why I am a firm believer in simple words like “praying for you” (only if you really are) or “thinking about you”. The power of a $5 gift card to a local coffee shop or a bouquet of flowers dropped off at their door goes a long way. It doesn’t need to be something huge; it just needs to be something that says I care. It doesn’t need to be financial, many aren’t in the place to do that, it just needs to be something.

When you are at a low point, when the circumstances around you seem suffocating, it can often be painful to face the day. I remember after one of my miscarriages wondering around Cub Foods in a daze, somewhat shocked that people were smiling and laughing and talking about the weather. But it’s in those moments, when someone comes up besides me and just reminds me that I’m not alone, well, it means the world to me.

Shauna Niequist writes “When you are in that place, it’s a gift to be asked how you’re doing, and most of the time the answer comes tumbling out, like water over a broken dam, because someone finally asked, finally offered to carry what feels like an unbearable load with you.”

The simplest questions go a long way. What can I do? How are you feeling? Do you want to talk about it? Please be respectful of the location in which you ask these questions. If you are whizzing past someone in the church lobby, gently touch their arm and say “Hey, I saw what’s been going on with _____ . I just want you to know you are in my thoughts. I’m really sorry you have to deal with this.” The church lobby (or any very busy place) is NOT the place to say “Hey, I heard you miscarried last week. Tell me how you are feeling. How are you dealing with this?”

Don’t feel like you have to say something profound. It’s not about you having the magic words as it is about the person you are talking to simply knowing you care. If you have the resources, send a gift card for a dinner (Chipotle or Buffalo Wild Wings can brighten anyone’s day, right?) or make a meal. A note or text goes a long way. Just remember that your words, your care, might be exactly what the person needs to survive another day. Life is hard, we need to be there for one another.

And please, when you ask someone how they are, give them the option to say “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Some days it hurts too much and you are too vulnerable to want to discuss it. That’s when simply knowing someone cares enough to ask means so much.

I apologize to anyone who I have let down by not being there. I am amazed at how my heart aches when I feel let down by a friend who doesn’t seem to care and I know that I likely am the cause of such heartache too. It can be a tough cycle to break outside of yourself and your own difficult season to show you care. But it’s worth it. We live in a world of vague Facebook posts hinting at something difficult and yet, many of us are too afraid to send the message to say “What’s up? Are you okay? I’m not sure what you are going through but I notice.”

So do me a favor today, do something for someone. (No, this isn’t about me. Do something for someone else. I am incredibly blessed.) Maybe it’s a comment on their Facebook wall or Instagram picture. Perhaps it’s grabbing a card at Target or sending an electronic gift card. It may be time for you to pick up the phone and send a text or make a call. Even something as simple as “liking” a Facebook post or blog post simply acknowledges that you know and care. Chances are as you are reading this, you are thinking about who that person is that you should reach out to. Do it. It may mean much more than you know.

In other news, my surgery has been scheduled and will be taking place THIS Friday, the 4^th at 9:00 am. I met with the doctor earlier this week and feel very confident going into it. We will know what was done, removed, and briefly seen that same day and then I will meet with her on the 18^th to review all the pictures taken and talk about what was seen in more detail. Thank you in advance for all your prayers as we go into this. Specific prayer requests would include:

Surgery itself: for the hands of the doctors and nurses working with me, for the anesthesia, for the pain management afterwards and for whatever needs to be done in the operating room to go smoothly.
Minimal discoveries: we are praying hard that no body part needs to be removed (ie: fallopian tubes, ovaries, etc.) and that if there is anything found, that it can be treated easily while they are in there, avoiding a second surgery.
Recovery – The surgery itself is done by filling the abdomen with gas and recovery afterwards can be painful since not all the gas can always be removed. The incisions (typically 3-4 plus your belly button) can get itchy and we are praying against infection.

A brief look at how they do the surgery – simplified! For mine they will navigate all the way up to the liver then back down.

Answers: at the end of the day, we pray that God will provide us with some answers and wisdom as to what is going on.

Thank you again for your prayers. We are heading into this surgery after having a nice relaxing vacation with Josh’s family in Mexico last week and so I leave you with a few pictures of what our last week held. Gorgeous isn’t it? I’ll update as soon as I am able post-op. Thanks again for your prayers!