I wrestle with the state of wanting something so badly that I will buy into almost any idea to boost the chances of getting it. In struggle to have a child, I became completely open to the world of online “chat/support rooms”. Groups of women struggling with the same issues of me, on the same meds, on the same cycle day, chatting and sharing side effects (side note: dangerous. “What, you are feeling like the backs of your hands are on fire and you think you have a twitch every 18 seconds in your right eye? … I think ME TOO!”), doctors comments, follicle sizes, and monthly outcomes. It brought me hope for the first few months, fellow IFWOG to relate to. Then it quickly became depressing as we went through month after month of no one from the impressively large group having a successful month. Our comments got more depressing, full of self-pity, and in the end, I had to completely unsubscribe due to the fear of doing something crazy. (“Trust me, stand on your head after eating the core of a pineapple, and basting yourself with egg whites. WAIT! You were supposed to take the Robitussin BEFORE you ate the pineapple, not after! And you did what!? You bought a DOLLAR STORE pregnancy test? And you didn’t sprinkle the magical baby dust from babyhope.com on your pillow case before cycle day 15.75?”) I couldn’t take it anymore. There is this innate hope that lingers inside each of us that just this onneeeee little thing could be the switch that VOILA! makes everything perfect and working right.
Here is the thing: at the end of the day, it’s not my plan, my decision, my ability to eat a pineapple core or sniff cinnamon at 3:00 pm (ok, I made that one up); it’s God’s timing. And my worries or ambitions won’t change that. “We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God’s purpose prevails.” (Proverbs 19:21, Message) “Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what is the use in worrying over bigger things?” (Luke 12:25-26 NLT). And yes granted, there is still action to be on our part. Talking the pills I need to, or going to get an ultrasound on the right day, or eating healthy and eliminating caffeine all together some caffeine – that is being responsible. But there is a point where it creates more stress. Where the checklist overrides the purpose. And we take our faith away from God and put it in Evening Primrose Oil. (These are all real things people).
If you are friends with me on Facebook, you will notice I have an album of “Thankful Photos” that I upload to each day. The purpose is to make an intentional decision daily to take the focus off of me and what might not be going My Way, and remember how much I have, what I am blessed with, the big and small things. This act some days is painful. I WANT TO YELL! Throw a tantrum! “WHHHAATTT??? I DIDN’T OVULATE?!!? *insert Ross and Monica “giving the finger without actually having to give it” fist hand gesture here*” And then “WHAT!? I HAVE TO THINK OF SOMETHING I AM THANKFUL FOR TODAY? I. Am. Not. Going. To.” And then the silence. And the reminder of all I have. The clothes I am wearing. The dog balancing on my lap (she’s weird). The flowers on my counter. The fact that I have a Bible sitting out in the open. Reality check. Truth, some days I just can process uploading something simple. My brain is too tired to appreciate all I have. I am just thankful I got to wear jeans to work today. But still, it takes the focus off of me. And in a world of counting days and selfish prayers, it’s what I need.
Gratitude. It’s a powerful thing.