There is this little valley that I hit sometimes. I’d call it self-pity but this valley runs a little deeper than that. I struggle to find a word to describe it and the only word that comes to mind is grief. I try push that word away, because it usually is associated with death, but now as I sit and think, it’s the only word that is fitting to how this valley feels.
Grief is defined in multiple ways, but the two definitions that stick out to me are “deep or intense sorrow or distress” and “something that causes suffering”. This cycle was canceled for us. The news shared was yes, I have a follicle developing, but that my lining is “not a healthy one and even if implantation does take place, would result in a miscarriage since it does not contain the nutrients necessary to grow a healthy baby.” AHHH. Hearing these words were so disheartening, and frustrating. (Now, granted, I know that there are many others out there who have been through or going through things far more devastating and frustrating. I am not trying to minimize others life experiences, but simply share my own. My intentions are not to be “dramatic”, simply authentic in expressing how this feels.)
I really don’t know what’s worse while TTC – having hope that this may be THE MONTH or having no hope that it could happen. My heart is heavy. Waiting is so difficult. We aren’t sure the next step yet – do we try this again? Do we skip to the last option? I simply don’t know yet. I want to grieve the passing of this month and the hope that it initially offered. I want to yell about the fact that I went through the stupid, icky medication for no reason. I want to cry because now we have to wait some more. I want to curl in a little ball and give up. My heart is suffering. I feel angry that I continue to pray and others continue to pray and yet I am not seeing tangible outcomes. (Then I am reminded that is not why we pray.) I am praying the SUN STAND STILL! (Joshua 10) I am praying for what seems like the impossible. I am trusting, I have faith, I am standing. And still – another month trickles by with no answers. It feels defeating.
I am thankful for the positive people I have standing around me. For people who remind me that it’s “good news that my body is producing what it wasn’t”, reminders to “keep the faith!”, “it’s not hopeless”. I need these people to keep feeding these truths into my head when I feel completely drained and not able to do that myself. This week I have become my own worst enemy. I felt so angry on Monday. I gave myself permission to be angry but not stay angry. The anger has diminished and now I am in the valley of grief. It will pass. This cycle is unfortunately one I have become used to. It doesn’t make it any easier though. Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings said “Sorrow was like the wind. It came in gusts.” That is accurate of this week for me. Some hours are good, others I can’t shake the pain of losing another month and having a wasted cycle. “Grief floats off, spreading out thin like oil” (Elizabeth Bishop). My frustrations are just enough to touch each aspect of my day.
One of my best friends sent me this prayer on Monday and it has become etched on my heart:
“Almighty God, we do not ask you to lift us out of life, but to prove your power within. We do not ask for tasks more suited to our strengths, but strength equal to our tasks. Give us the wisdom that inspires and the strength that endures. And give us, O God, the grace of Jesus Christ, who wore our flesh like a king’s robe and who walked the ways of earth like a conqueror in triumph, and who lived and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.”
I know this trial is making me stronger. I plea with God – I don’t want to be any stronger! I am strong enough now. What do I need to be this strong for!? While the answers aren’t always there, still, I continue to pray. I continue to try to lift my eyes towards Him. I am thankful for the positivity others are pushing my way this week. I need it. And still I remember “nothing is impossible with God.” and with that, we wait some more.