I have started a draft of this blog about 18 times and truthfully, the words aren’t flowing right now. It could be the fact that in my snuggly socks and sweats, fireplace blazing, tea in hand, I am so cozy I could probably just take a nap at the keyboard…I will blame daylight savings. Anyways – an update on our Monday appointment.
It went really well. Thank you all for your prayers, texts, and messages. Having so much support walking into each appointment means so much. The trial transfer went really smoothly and they have no concerns for the actual transfer. YAHOO! Another positive check mark. Then the last consult visit was everything I thought it would be – information overload (in a good way) and a great opportunity for us to get the game plan finalized. We were sent out with a prepayment receipt that made me a little clammy, lots of packets, our “recipe book”, a gigantic prescription and lots of appointments penciled in the calendar.
The prescription filling part is interesting, since only a few specialty pharmacies can and do fill these types of specialty orders. The doctor’s office suggests a few places, then faxes over the prescription to them. The pharmacist from that drug store then calls you and gives you a price quote on each of the items you need. Some of them offer discount programs on specific meds and each item ranges widely per pharmacy, which is annoying. I made a gigantic spreadsheet, crunched numbers and differences between the options and then, we finally finalized which pharmacy we will be going with and will officially place our order tomorrow. Whoa.
I have to be honest – reality is settling in, in a way that makes anxious thoughts flare up. As the days tick by, I am starting to get fearful. What if this doesn’t work? Everyone is different so what do “odds” really mean? The pressure of having so many people know is a little scary. How many times will I have to share “the news” if this doesn’t work? Will I really be as strong as I think I will be? What if this doesn’t work, we don’t have any embryos to freeze and I can’t go through this again? Or what if it does work and we miscarry? The questions in my brain are on spin cycle right now. The face of hope also includes a gigantic face of potential disappointment. It’s almost enough to make me want to run the other way. Sometimes, lying in bed at night, I think – how can I really do this? If it doesn’t work out, will I shatter? Will I ever be able to walk away from the idea of having a family? Is it better to not continue to dabble in trying to and protect my heart? I want children so bad it hurts, but will the pain of it not working hurt worse?
Driving to church this morning, I kept asking God, what if a child isn’t your will? What if our act of faith is simply going through this trying process? Then, in Volunteer Huddle this morning, the man leading devotions talked about Luke 5.
“When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Now go out where it is deeper, and let down your nets to catch some fish.” “Master,” Simon replied, “we worked hard all last night and didn’t catch a thing. But if you say so, I’ll let the nets down again.” And this time their nets were so full of fish they began to tear! A shout for help brought their partners in the other boat, and soon both boats were filled with fish and on the verge of sinking.” (Luke 5:4-7)
He said – sometimes, when logic seems against it, Christ will still call you to go out. And our response is simply to obey. But if you say so, I’ll let the news down again. God can and does choose to do miracles – but again, our response should just be to obey when called. Without the process of the miracle.
So, God, I think I am ready to let the nets down again. I am scared. Scared of the emotions that will come with this, the physical drain and hardship, the fear of it not working. But – I feel this is the step you are calling us to. And so I will simply obey. And trust that you will act.
Keep me positive people. I need to remember that God is on the job. (“Friends, when life gets really difficult, don’t jump to the conclusions that God isn’t on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner. 1 Peter 4:12-13 Msg) I kindly ask, that you don’t share with me right now, the stories of a friends friend who tried IVF 4 times and miscarried each time. That you don’t share the sad stories, the failures, the heart breaks. It adds to my spin cycle that I am praying against fervently.
10 days left of work. 13 days left without syringe marks in my belly and hip. I can do this …. right?