Infertility can feel like a never ending roller coasting.
There are days, weeks even, when your hope is so high. You are leaning into each turn, you are riding the hills, you are feeling strong, determined and positive. You can just feel that God is in control. You know it in your bones, your heart, your core. “WE WILL BEAT THIS!” You have an anthem, you laugh, you tickle your friend’s children and you smile as you pass the room that will someday be your nursery.
And then out of nowhere, you have a sad day. It’s not like just a “kinda in a funk” day, it’s a day where the tears just flow and your heart breaks. You don’t want to hear one more kid story. Your newsfeed suddenly makes you gasp for air as you take in all of the pictures of children and pregnancies. You shut the door to the nursery, you cry out God, why? You lay at His feet and just cry.
As I process through the emotions that come along for the ride, I am convinced that tears are okay. They aren’t a sign that you lack trust in God. (“Jesus wept.” John 11:35) They aren’t a sign that you are a bad Christian. (“I am worn out from my groaning. My eyes flood my bed every night. I soak my couch with tears. My eyes blur from grief.” Psalm 6:6-7a) They are a sign that you are human. That your heart is fragile and that sadness is a real emotion. (More on Sadness here)
I sat at a coffee shop last week with a special friend and we talked about these days. When it all just seems to crash down and you have no choice but to face the pain you are experiencing and bring it to Him.
God is equipped to handle your tears. He is equipped to handle your worries and your hurts. And even more than being equipped, He cares. (“Turn all your anxiety over to God because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7)
Some days, when we have these moments, it is so helpful just to know that someone relates. I think that’s why having things like blogs and communities are so helpful. Are we going to be okay? Will we get through this? Will we be successful? What’s next?
I don’t know the answers to all those questions, but I can tell you one thing, I care.
I know what you are going through. I feel your pain. I hate when those moments catch me off guard. I hate that it’s hard to make future commitments because I don’t know what will be going on with my journey. I hate that one day a pregnancy announcement can be met with a genuine “congratulations” and the next day, tears.
In a recent Bible study, we were studying the story where the disciples tried to stop the children from coming to Jesus and Jesus stopped them and told them to let the little children come to me. I have read this story many times and this time, a line stuck out to me – “… taking the child in His arms…”
I thought about this tender act of holding a child. For many men, this act doesn’t come naturally to them. I remember watching Josh hold a newborn for the first time – it was like watching him try to embrace a glass football. And then I thought – what if …
What if Jesus felt the same ache for a child and family as we do?
I can imagine He was surrounded by families. He watched His friends grow up, marry young, have kids, raise a family. Granted He was surrounded by His disciples who left everything to follow Him, but yet, He witnessed the beautiful bond of a parent and a child everywhere He went, and with great empathy as well.
The more I thought about it, the more I wonder if our aches are more real to Him than we can even imagine.
He gave up so much to come as a sacrifice for us. Perhaps taking that child into His arms was a comfort to Him, reminding Him of how much He loved us and how worth it is was to give up His humanly desires to accomplish something much greater.
But that simple act of tenderly holding the child in His arms brings such comfort to my heart. Because maybe He knows far beyond what we could ever imagine.
Now of course I am making assumptions here and I am not trying to rewrite scripture or say something is definite, but that small story, that request to let the children come to Him, touches my heart in a very special way and brings a comfort that only He can.
So simply know this – on those days when the tears are falling, He is there. On the days when you struggle to find the reason for this, remember that trials do serve their purpose. There is an end to our afflictions. He does remove hardships when His purpose in using it is fully accomplished. (Note I said using it and not causing it.) Charles Spurgeon wrote “It is not difficult for the Lord to turn night into day.”
Take a breath today. Remember that you are not alone. Take comfort in the fact that He cares for you, deeply, and that I do too. Tomorrow will come, the tears will dry up, your hope will be replenished and you will keep on fighting, because you, my friend, are a conqueror.
Trials Bring Joy 
Okay, Chels…You’ve hit me with this post! I’ve filled my pillows with many tears this week and have been finding myself in prayer time and time again, each day. I’ve been putting my earphone in and turning up the praise music and just melting myself in-to the joyous and truthful songs. We will get through this, we will be successful and wonderful things are coming YOUR way.
“My soul melts from heaviness; Strengthen me according to Your word.”
Ahhh, such a wise way to deal with it! It’s all we can do! Focus on Him and I know He partners with us in these seasons! I am saying a special prayer for you … Thanks for sharing your heart with me. Sending love!!
This is so beautiful, Chelsea! What an incredible thought…maybe He felt those things too…all the things He couldn’t have, b/c of His mission. It was a lonely road and call…none of us will ever experience that. Thanks for bringing this to our minds…He is so acquainted with our sufferings…probably more than we ever know. Love!!
I swear you commented and put into beautiful words what I was trying to convey … you are such a blessing and have such a way with words Kate! Thanks for all your love and support as always. “He is so acquainted with our sufferings.” Love – so true!!!
I am in love with every word you just wrote. Simply that. I needed to hear it. Thank you.
I am blessed to be part of a message that you needed to read! Hugs. Hang in there … it does get better. <3
Beautiful!
Thank you Lisa!! <3
So beautiful!!! He cares and He catches every tear!!!!
Catches every single one! I believe some days, they are a beautiful offering of honesty!!
This is beautiful once again!
Thank you so much for your kind words!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us and your faith. I always like to imagine that on our sad days, we can crawl up in the lap of Jesus and cry it out. Because I know He understands our tears and our fears and doubts, our aches, both physical and emotional. Crying is more than okay! Lots of hugs to you!
Thank you for reading and for caring! It always means so much to have people bother to read what my heart even says. I love the image of crawling on His lap. So powerful. He understands it all! Lots of hugs back!
Great reminder. I was thinking today how He also understands waiting and longing in such a powerful way – not just for a child, but for when the whole world will be put right.
Such a great big picture reminder – thank you for that! He longs for so much as well!
Wow! I really needed to hear this today! Thanks for the reminder that he is GOD! Ugh it’s so easy to forget how powerful he is when we feel forgotten, but he can make anything possible! Thank you for such a touching post and thanks for caring! It’s good to know I’m not alone.
You certainly aren’t alone! Thanks for commenting – I am able to say a special word of prayer for you tonight. It certainly can be a long journey but He is sovereign! Keep believing … hugs!
This was lovely and I needed it today. Thank you. :)
Hugs! I am hoping today is a better day for you and if not, know its okay to feel sad. XOXO!
Reblogged this on The Wright Faith and commented:
God is a man of His word, a promise keeper. Your journey and testimony will serve to encourage and bless many others :) Beautiful post
Thank you so much! Thanks for reading … Sending hugs and looking forward to reading your blog as well!