The church was quiet. All eyes turned forward to listen to the older woman speaking at the microphone. Her voice cracked with tearful emotion as she begin talking about a verse in Matthew that touched her heart over the course of a year-long study we had been doing.

She began to read the words of Jesus – “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest…(Oh I love this verse, my mind began to think) … Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Rest for your souls … good stuff right there ..) For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

During the course of her reading the verse, I immediately felt like an immense weight had been lifted off my shoulders, er shoulder. Shoulder? What was that noise? And why am I physically feeling absolutely no pressure on my left shoulder?

I kept my gaze focused ahead, now confused and distracted enough by my own miraculous light-yolked left shoulder situation to no longer be listening to the woman as I gave my shoulders a subtle wiggle. And that’s when I realized what happened. My bra strap had snapped and was no longer connected on one side.

It’s in this moment where I feel that I perfected my emotional nod-with-the-crowd face while on the inside panicking at the immediate and rapid response to gravity that was happening on my left side. Oh my goodness, did anyone else notice? Thankfully all eyes seemed to be focused ahead, oblivious to the fact that a nightmare of mine was occurring. Could anyone see the strap? I casually glanced over. Oh yes, I am wearing a sheer shoulder paneled shirt today. Awesome, so yes, the ladies behind me are probably noticing the strap creeping up my back as it heads …. Yep there it goes, over my shoulder. The room broke out in applause as the woman’s sharing time was up and she walked away. I need to clap, how can I do this without creating any more movement? Ah yes, the left-arm-still, right-fingertips-lightly-tap-the-left-palm clap.

Thankfully the time ended 20 minutes after the great “unburdening” and I shuffled my way out, clutching my Bible and books tightly to my lopsided chest and broke into a huge laugh as soon as my car door shut. This would happen to me.

Anyways, the whole thing got me thinking though. If only it was that easy to just hand over our heavy burden and have that strain be taken off our shoulders! (Literally in my case above, but more realistically, figuratively in our lives.) Jesus tells us in Matthew 11 that we are to come to Him and hand over our worries, cares, anxieties, and doubts and He will give us rest for our souls. This same messaged is echoed throughout the Bible. Psalm 55:22 says “Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you.” and 1 Peter says “Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.”

But how do we do that? Here are some of my thoughts today:

1. Believe He is capable, that He cares, and that He is willing. More than any other lesson I have been learning in this season of my life, it is that if I believe in God (which I wholeheartedly do), then I need to believe His character and His words. His character is proven over and over and over again in the Bible and traits like compassion, love, mercy, grace, faithfulness, capability, deliverance, power, shine through the stories of the Old and New Testament. Because I know Him, I know that my worries, anxieties and cares are in the best hands possible and that He truly does want to carry them for me. (In fact, He already knows how this will all end.)

2. Practice. We have heard those words “practice makes perfect” before and I think in this situation, more than any, it becomes accurate. When we begin to make intentional choices to choose to give God our cares, it begins to break a mental habit that we have to carry it. We have to practice praying intentionally about that care and begin to substitute prayer for worry. We have to practice deciding to have gratitude for the problem, thankful that we have a chance to develop ourselves.

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.” Romans 5:3-5 (NLT)

3. Trust. Once we take our worries off of the spin cycle in our brain, we can begin to breath, feeling the weight starting to lessen as we remember whose hands our situation is in. That’s when we make the active choice to trust that God hasn’t forgotten about us or that He is intentionally trying to cause you harm or pain. If you are a Christ follower, then you can be assured “ that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God…” (Romans 8:28 NLT) So we make an active choice to rest in that trust.

If you are struggling today to figure out why you still feel like the burden is heavy, I prayerfully suggest that you spend some time with God today. It begins with simply forming a relationship with Him that goes both ways because it’s near impossible to trust a stranger and believe that they have good intentions.

Guys, this isn’t easy stuff! I struggle with it all the time. I give over my worry to God and then have a panic moment and race to bring it back in my hands. Some days it feels like a constant tug of war mentally, back and forth, back and forth. I trust you! WAIT!!! Kidding, kind of, here you go, I trust you …. Ummm, but what if ….

This is where practice comes in. We have to train those spiritual muscles of response just as we have to train our physical muscles. Keep verses on hand to read through when your anxiety begins to bubble. Pray. Talk to Him. And I guarantee you, with everything I have and am, that He really will give you rest and that you can be filled with a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Who would have ever thought a breaking bra strap would lead to a blog post? Haha, not me, but hey, God uses these things in our lives for a reason. I’m just thankful no one called me Droopy.



A good writer always has a purpose to their writing, at least a specific audience. As I sit down to write, I often have to ask myself “who am I writing to”? In the beginning of my entries I was writing so that others could understand this world we live in, that of infertility. Then later it turned to writing to those who were suffering with infertility, or at least a Thing in their life that was a mind consuming storm. Other posts have been written merely for me, as a therapeutic release, a way to document and get out exactly how I was feeling. Some posts are light hearted, capturing funny moments and stories, and others entering some of the rawest places of my heart. Now here I sit, on my 112th post, reflecting back at the last 2 years of my blogging life.

I’ve come to realize that I may not have a specific purpose to my writing or a specific audience. I may not have a consistent “voice” because my life, seasons, and world is constantly changing. I may have readers that come and go, selecting certain posts to read and skipping over others. And that’s okay. Because writing opens up my soul and allows me to spit out my heart, finding words for emotions and feelings. I never imagined finding solace in front of a Word Document, but God has done some pretty neat things using these 10 little fingers of mine.

As I head into my third year of blogging, my prayer continues to be that you can find a place to relate to here – in whatever you are going through. I’m so thankful you have stopped by. I hope the scars of what’s on your heart will fade a little bit as you find someone to connect to. I do believe there can be beauty and light that shines through the darkness and it’s my goal to march on in search for peace, joy and finding more of Jesus. And of course, in keeping true to the title of my blog, with a Starbucks in hand.

Life is messy. We have dark corners, difficult hardships, losses and pain. So often in the attempt to keep a glossy, picture perfect life, we ignore the realities of our pain until it hits us like a truck at 1 am as we lie in bed. My desire for these mismatched writings of mine is merely that you can come in, find company and join in processing the questions and journey. When we face the reality that no one has a perfect life, we can enjoy the company and beauty in the moment more. We can acknowledge that maybe we aren’t as alone as we thought and that as tired as our little hearts are, they are still there, beating and breathing, slightly battered but open.

As I sit and write this, I am staring at a sign in a coffee shop that says “Life is a great big canvas and you should throw all the paint on it you can.” There are so many different ways to interpret this, but today I see it as a reminder to we need to live the life we are given. We aren’t getting any younger. Our current situation isn’t changing today and if our “worst case scenario” happens and we never have children, I would hate to look back at years of my life wishing I had embraced the moment more, not being consumed by my have-not’s instead of rejoicing in my ‘haves’.  So today I am going to throw some new paint on my canvas – bright colors, shades of robin’s egg blue and coral. I’m going to drink caffeine (gasp!) and go barefoot in the grass. Time to splatter this canvas.

All of that said, truly, thanks for reading. Thanks for joining me in the mismatched thinking of my brain and for being part of my story, even if it’s just through a browser on the internet. Let’s keep each other company, portraying life as it is, and weeding through the storms together. I may not have a clear audience or writing style, but I’m me … so I’m okay with that.





Life hands us opportunities at every turn to get over ourselves, to get outside ourselves, to wake up from our own bad dreams and realize that really lovely things are happening all the time.”        Shauna Niequist

I loved this quote as soon as I read it. How wonderful is it to be able to stop and realize all of the lovely things that are happening around us? I know I have fallen victim to self-pity, complaining and wallowing at times but I am thankful for the continued work that God does on my heart that works to steer me back to a spirit of gratitude. So, in efforts to “see the lovely things that are happening all the time”, I dedicate this post to my Top 10 favorite moments of the last 2 weeks. So here you go, in no particular order …

1. Books. I love them. About 2 weeks ago I stumbled upon a cute bookstore in St. Paul. While the selection of books was small, the quaintness of the store made me smile and posed for a perfect photo opp. Who wouldn’t want to snuggle up here and read all day?

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Also, I am obsessed with this book. (Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist) Shauna is also the author of Cold Tangerines and Bread & Wine, both which I HIGHLY recommend. I feel like I can’t get enough of her writing. Along with my pen, highlighter and cozy chair, this book has brought joy and reliability into my life these last few weeks.

2. Mother’s Day. What a SPECIAL day this was! First of all, I loved being able to celebrate my mom and spending time as a family with her. We enjoyed beautiful weather, spent time at a bookstore (do you see a trend in my life?), grilled out and laughed. Secondly, it was a day that made me feel so loved and cared for by others. You guy, my heart was so full. I am so blessed by all of the people who thought of me and sent loving cards, texts, messages and posts. My home was filled with flowers, caffeine and love and I am so thankful for the prayers of many. You all made what could have been a tough day, very very special.


3. A new baby. My great friends, Paul and Anna, celebrated a beautiful series of answered prayers as they welcomed their daughter Kate Molly to this world. Kate and her family have a beautiful story and God moved in evident ways in her arrival. She is a joy to celebrate!!!


4. Tea. As a Mother’s Day celebration, my sister and I took our mom out for a formal seated tea and boy, did we have fun! We spent a lazy, beautiful afternoon tucked inside an old refurbished home sipping tea and eating delicious gluten free goodies. A new memory for the books!

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5. A bridal shower. My friend Anne Marie is getting married in July and I had a wonderful time gathering with friends and celebrating this beautiful bride-to-be. (Can I just note that I am 5′ 8″ and not as short as I seem to be in these photos?)

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6. Time with my nieces. Seriously, I know everyone says they have the cutest nieces ever but I’m sorry, I win by a landslide. Scarlett and Kinsley joined Cali and I for a fun morning together, complete with baking, a tea party, fairy races with our pet unicorns and a joint effort to save the whales that were caught in a net in my backyard. (Gotta love those 2 and 3 year old imaginations!) They were so excited to help make “special princess cookie bisquits” (aka scones), although I don’t think they were as impressed with the finished product. In the words of Scarlett, “I don’t think I like the scones but I like the jelly.” Cali was thrilled with the opportunity to wait patiently for a sneakily slipped crumb and this Auntie loved the memories created. And yes, in case you are wondering, we did manage to save all the whales.



7. Beautiful weather and summer food. Sigh, This Minnesota girl is THRILLED that not only have we had weather in the double digits the last 3 months, but that we are now seeing numbers in the 60’s and 70’s!! AHHH! We have been able to sit outside on the porch in the evening and watch the sunset, with good music playing and a book in hand. Last night we had a mother deer and her fawn join us too, which would have been tranquil had Cali not noticed and assumed that they were mass murders coming to assassin us. (Deer not pictured so please don’t strain your eyes attempting to find them.)


Oh, and the tomatoes are finally turning red and delicious. One of my favorite summer lunches includes tossing tomatoes with fresh mozzarella and avocado and drizzling it with basil olive oil (or fresh basil when my garden is ready) and a yummy, thick aged balsamic vinegar. Y-U-M.

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8. A baby shower. My sweet friend Heidi is expecting a precious little BOY in July and we were able to gather with our church community and celebrate his upcoming arrival. The day was complete with decorating adorable onsies and penning funny sayings on diapers, which inevitably lead to many laughs. I can’t wait to snuggle him!


9. Acupuncture and a new experience – cupping! I am excited to share that I am completely healed up from my laparoscopy last month and we are back on the baby making road again. We continue to try naturally (versus the medicated cycles as in the past), and it’s been exciting to see my body continue to regulate itself. We continue to stay hopeful for a miracle. I have never done acupuncture sessions during a non-medicated cycle and we are looking forward to see what it does and how it helps. My acupuncturist also tried cupping this last session and while it looks scary (in her words “you may look like someone beat you with a lead pipe, so make sure not to wear a backless shirt.”), it doesn’t hurt at all and is worth a try! (Although my entire wardrobe has been eliminated with the “no-backless” restrictions …. HA! Kidding!!!!)

10. Cali. Of course I couldn’t end this list without sharing my love and adoration for my little furbaby. She has had a strange new fascination with this stuffed dinosaur that she has had for years and I couldn’t help but smile and snap a picture as she carried him onto our bed the other day while watching the squirrels in the yard. Oh this little peanut brings me so much joy.

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Oh, and because this is my blog and I can – I am adding in an 11 –

11. Gilmore Girls and time with my hubby. My husband is the best ever and lovingly spent an entire Friday night rewatching hours of Gilmore Girls with me just because it makes me happy. He is my best friend and Gilmore Girls is my favorite show so putting them together just brings me joy.

What would be on your list? I never want to forget the beautiful things in my life. Could I make a list of 10 tough moments from the last 2 weeks? Of course! We ALL have tough moments in our lives. Flat tires, health scares, dealing with change and stress – these things happen too. But we have such a wonderful opportunity to embrace the good, celebrate the joy, and battle through the tough times with a smile on our face. In the words of Jason Mraz “La-la-la-la-la-la Life is wonderful ….”

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happy mother’s day.

Mother’s Day – two words that evokes a range of emotions for many women. I recently ran across this prayer written by a woman named Amy Young, who recognizes the full and complex spectrum of motherhood. I found it so beautiful and only fitting to share here:

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you.

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you.

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you.

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you.

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you.

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you.

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you.

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you.

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience.

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst.

To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day.

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be.

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths.

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you.

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you.

To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart.

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you.

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

For many women struggling with infertility, Mother’s Day is almost unbearable at times. But please, I don’t want you to think it is because we are filled with envy, bitterness or jealous towards mothers – we aren’t. We recognize and appreciate them SO much. Our own mom’s, our mother-in-laws, our aunts who took up special mothering roles (like the “cool” secret keeper …. except now as adults we realize you probably did tell our mom.), grandmothers, mentors, friends … we are BLESSED to have so many Proverbs 31 women in our life that have invested life into us and those around us. We honor these women, like Jesus did with His own mother, and treasure you. We honor the snotty noses you have wiped, the late night vomit you have cleaned up, the millions of crushed cheerios you have swept up and the zillion times you have had to watch Frozen. Your children are a blessing and you see that and we hope you feel immense gratitude and appreciation from your family this weekend especially.

So no, we don’t find mother’s day unbearable because we are bitter. It’s just that this day can be a gigantic reminder that we have unfulfilled longings. Longings that leave a gargantuan hole in our heart and Mother’s Day can feel like someone grabbed a block of salt and began rubbing it in our already-sensitive wound. It takes a lot of strength on Mother’s Day to focus on anything but that hole and some years may be better than others. Avoiding church services or special programs may be done simply to avoid the temptation to make ourselves pick the sadness scab. Please don’t take it personal if we decline an event – depending on how the heart hole feels that day, it may simply be that we don’t want to take anything away from YOU by attending.

Last night I was reading John 16 and was deeply moved by verse 21: “When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for she has joy that a human being has been born into the world.This verse brought God’s presence into my room like a snap. It reminded me that the moments of sorrow can feel so great and overwhelming, however, when that moment comes and the Lord answers our prayers, we will no longer remember the anguish for that joy will be overwhelming.

I love the Message’s transition of verses 21-22: “When a woman gives birth, she has a hard time, there’s no getting around it. But when the baby is born, there is joy in the birth. This new life in the world wipes out memory of the pain. The sadness you have right now is similar to that pain, but the coming joy is also similar. When I see you again, you’ll be full of joy, and it will be a joy no one can rob from you. You’ll no longer be so full of questions.”

So, to my friends who are struggling this Mother’s Day, I urge you to focus on the joy that is coming. Focus on the fact that you are already a mother thanks to your mothering heart. You have likely impacted someone around you – a niece or nephew, a cousin or sibling, a friend’s child or the children in the church nursery – in a way that blesses them with love. Perhaps we have yet to understand that “link” between a mother and her child, but that doesn’t mean that on Mother’s Day you have to be disregarded. You have already demonstrated such love and strength for your future family that you shouldn’t be unnoticed today. I pray that your hearts are filled with peace as this day arrives and that instead of feeling an unbearable pain, you are filled with a hope for the future and are appreciated by those around you.

To my own angel babies – Mommy loves you so much! I know if you could have, you would have been here with me on this day. Your life was short but now your life is eternal in the best place. You have some very special company up there too – many other angel babies of dear friends of mine. If you could all get together today and touch each Mommy’s heart and through God’s strength, renew us with renewed fight to keep pursuing your siblings. You are so loved and your absence is felt by us here on this earth.

This Mother’s Day, I celebrate the women with children on this earth and also the 1 Samuel 1 women. Friends, take comfort in the fact that God hears the cries of all of our hearts and will draw near to us as we draw near to Him. The chapter in John closes by Jesus saying “… Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in My name, He will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.” We will keep asking, in HIS name, and as we seek Him, our joy will be full.

Happy Mother’s Day to all my friends with a mother’s heart.

To my own mom - Happy Mother's Day! I love you so much!

To my own mom – Happy Mother’s Day! I love you so much!

To my mother-in-law Lori, I couldn't imagine having a better MIL! Love you so much! Happy Mother's Day! And also, to my sister-in-law Monica, Happy Mother's Day to the mom of my beautiful nieces.

Happy Mother’s Day to my mother-in-law Lori, I couldn’t imagine having a better MIL! Love you lots!  And also, to my sister-in-law Monica, Happy Mother’s Day to the mom of my beautiful nieces. So blessed by both of you godly women.

And a special thanks to this little girl, Cali, who has made me a mom. (This was from her 8th birthday last month.) Mommy loves you way more than is probably healthy. :)

And a special thanks to this little girl, Cali, who has made me a mom. (This was from her 8th birthday last month.) Cali, Mommy loves you way more than is probably healthy. :)

A beautiful card I received - so blessed!

A beautiful card I received – so blessed!

Thanks to K-Love radio for posting this.

Thanks to K-Love radio for posting this.