A good writer always has a purpose to their writing, at least a specific audience. As I sit down to write, I often have to ask myself “who am I writing to”? In the beginning of my entries I was writing so that others could understand this world we live in, that of infertility. Then later it turned to writing to those who were suffering with infertility, or at least a Thing in their life that was a mind consuming storm. Other posts have been written merely for me, as a therapeutic release, a way to document and get out exactly how I was feeling. Some posts are light hearted, capturing funny moments and stories, and others entering some of the rawest places of my heart. Now here I sit, on my 112th post, reflecting back at the last 2 years of my blogging life.

I’ve come to realize that I may not have a specific purpose to my writing or a specific audience. I may not have a consistent “voice” because my life, seasons, and world is constantly changing. I may have readers that come and go, selecting certain posts to read and skipping over others. And that’s okay. Because writing opens up my soul and allows me to spit out my heart, finding words for emotions and feelings. I never imagined finding solace in front of a Word Document, but God has done some pretty neat things using these 10 little fingers of mine.

As I head into my third year of blogging, my prayer continues to be that you can find a place to relate to here – in whatever you are going through. I’m so thankful you have stopped by. I hope the scars of what’s on your heart will fade a little bit as you find someone to connect to. I do believe there can be beauty and light that shines through the darkness and it’s my goal to march on in search for peace, joy and finding more of Jesus. And of course, in keeping true to the title of my blog, with a Starbucks in hand.

Life is messy. We have dark corners, difficult hardships, losses and pain. So often in the attempt to keep a glossy, picture perfect life, we ignore the realities of our pain until it hits us like a truck at 1 am as we lie in bed. My desire for these mismatched writings of mine is merely that you can come in, find company and join in processing the questions and journey. When we face the reality that no one has a perfect life, we can enjoy the company and beauty in the moment more. We can acknowledge that maybe we aren’t as alone as we thought and that as tired as our little hearts are, they are still there, beating and breathing, slightly battered but open.

As I sit and write this, I am staring at a sign in a coffee shop that says “Life is a great big canvas and you should throw all the paint on it you can.” There are so many different ways to interpret this, but today I see it as a reminder to we need to live the life we are given. We aren’t getting any younger. Our current situation isn’t changing today and if our “worst case scenario” happens and we never have children, I would hate to look back at years of my life wishing I had embraced the moment more, not being consumed by my have-not’s instead of rejoicing in my ‘haves’.  So today I am going to throw some new paint on my canvas – bright colors, shades of robin’s egg blue and coral. I’m going to drink caffeine (gasp!) and go barefoot in the grass. Time to splatter this canvas.

All of that said, truly, thanks for reading. Thanks for joining me in the mismatched thinking of my brain and for being part of my story, even if it’s just through a browser on the internet. Let’s keep each other company, portraying life as it is, and weeding through the storms together. I may not have a clear audience or writing style, but I’m me … so I’m okay with that.