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You know what’s a hard prayer to pray? This one. “Not my will but Yours be done.” After a disappointing cd10 (cycle day 10) ultrasound yesterday, I felt utterly defeated. Sometimes it can be really easy to trust when I anticipate things going according to my plans and then when they don’t, well, it gets a lot harder. But here’s what yesterday taught me – He is still in control and even when I’m upset at how much body is (or isn’t) working, He hasn’t failed me and He is still good. It can be really hard to hang in there when I can’t see the other side but isn’t that what faith is? Hebrews 11:1 is a verse I cling to often – “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.” And so we continue to press on, acknowledging our disappointments and communicating them to Him while still believing in His power, goodness, compassion and love for us.

For those who are interested in the medical talk about what’s going on, let’s just say the letrozole didn’t really do its job creating follicles. I only have a few tiny ones, most measuring about a 6-7, one 10 and that’s a stretch. My lining was a 4 and typically it has been much closer to a 9-11. My estrogen is low, hence the tiny follicles and non-existent lining. Impossible to turn around? No, but given that we only have a few days to do so, it’s not incredibly likely. The doctor wants to do one more ultrasound on Friday before canceling the cycle and we are hoping that we can still salvage this cycle. Worst case scenario is we just wait it out and possibly use Provera to induce a period if I never ovulate naturally, so given true worst case scenarios, this is nothing comparatively. Best case scenario is things look perfect on Friday and we can trigger (hCg shot) that day and have our IUI on Sunday. I don’t want to waste money on the shot, ultrasounds, blood work and IUI if things aren’t as they should be though. This is my first cycle with this new RE and we are still building trust so I am not entirely sure what to think at this point. Stay tuned.

But like I was saying above, I HAVE to remember that He is in control and that even if I wasn’t expecting the news to be what it was, He wasn’t surprised. After all we have been through, I knew my heart was more guarded going into the appointment, anticipating what could be but also hopeful, as femara/letrozole has always worked on me in the past. Being prepared for disappointment and experiencing disappointment rarely is as easy as it seems. I feel a little lost as to what to expect from this cycle now. I can only lean back into the fact that God called us back into treatments, of that I am so certain, and so I can only wait for Him to provide for us in the ways He sees fit.

He can still work a miracle. And if not, there’s always the next cycle. My impatience is shining through though. How much longer is this going to take?