And just like that. Boom. I remember it all.

The alarms reminding me it’s time for shots. 8 am. 8 pm. The sting of the alcohol pad against my battered and bruised tummy. The sensation of the needle pressing again my flesh, the feel of fire running into me. The need for band-aids. The clank of the empty syringe in the sharps container. The need to pack a cooler with my medicine just in case I am not home in time. The exhaustion. The anxiety. The feeling of helplessness. The desperation for Him to meet me every minute of the day.

Suddenly, like a wave of concrete, it hits me. All of it. What we are doing. Every part of the Logical Chelsea is saying “Why are we doing this?! Are we crazy?! I can’t do this again.”

Meanwhile, the other Chelsea that’s connected with God, is so excited. You see, even though this Chelsea remembers the pain of the surgery retrieval and the tender, uncomfortable days of healing ahead, she also remembers the first time her and Josh saw their little embryos to transfer. The joy they felt as they welcomed those babes into her uterus. The hope in Him and in Him alone to work a miracle.

That’s the hope we are clinging to. I understand this last cycle may be against all logic. (Isn’t that how God works sometimes?). Yet, God has brought us to this week. He has been hearing our cries. He’s been hearing our prayers. He is going before us in a way that only He can.

And friends, we need Him now more than ever. Because when God is working this much and these many prayers are involved, we know that the devil isn’t happy. His best strategy against me is to break me down, making me feel anxious, fearful, and out of control. And I KNOW that’s not God’s best for me. And so, I am tasked to pick up His Word each day and declare His promises over my nerves, but it isn’t easy. It’s been really hard in fact to override the chatter. Your prayers for continued strength and peace are invaluable today and in the week to come.

We are currently on day 4 of stims. Our protocol this cycle has me doing 2 vials of menopur a morning, 300 iu’s of follistim at night, plus dexamethasone. We will be adding in ganerlix injections in the next day or two. My body is tired already, my mind working on overdrive and my hormones, well, let’s just say, raging in their full, weepy glory.

I was praying before I started this cycle and God led me to these two verses, what I am clinging to. It perfectly summarizes our goals: to create a family, filled with joy, that brings Him glory. Not to us, but to His name.

“Trust in You” by Lauren Daigle has been on repeat all day and most certainly is the anthem to this cycle. If you haven’t heard it before, I encourage you to take a minute to listen to it and read through the words. (emphasis mine)

Trust In You

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet 
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings 
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!

Will you join me in praying that our hearts would be filled with an unexplainable peace and trust in Him? This won’t be easy. It’s not easy. For anyone reading this today who wonders how I stay strong, friends, I am not. My knees are buckling and today I am reaching more than ever for His steady, mighty hand of comfort. This is real. This is life. It’s hard. But it will be worth it … Lord, hear our prayers.

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Our prayer puzzle is almost complete! Ready to claim your piece? Check out the post here for all the details! We cannot thank you enough!!!! Update: Our puzzle is completed! THANK YOU!

I am so excited to introduce you to my friend Krystal today! Krystal currently resides in Massachusetts with her husband Steve (although one day would love to live in Tennessee or Georgia!) and enjoys boating in the summers and snowmobiling in the winters. She loves exploring local farms and enjoying fresh and nourishing food.

Krystal has created 2 wonderful products, the first a nutritional journal and the other, a 31-day journaling devotional for hope for those struggling with infertility. After going through her 31-day prayer journal (and loving it), I invited her to write a little bit about her heart behind these products for you today. (Stay tuned to the end for your chance to win a set!) I know you will think she’s the greatest, as I do! Here’s Krystal’s guest post!

Hello! I’m excited and honored to be a part of Chelsea’s blog and writing to you today! I love sharing my journey and passions, especially with trying to conceive. After my husband and I got married, we immediately started trying to start a family. But after months, it wasn’t happening. As we wait, I wanted an outlet where I could organize my prayers, as well as a place to write down what I was eating, to see if I could heal my body through food. I couldn’t find exactly what I was looking for, so I decided to create 2 journals! God’s been so apparent in this whole process and I’m always reminded that His plan is always better then mine.

I’ve learned that my purpose is loving and inspiring others. It’s a risk is worth taking! Journaling is part of who I am and in an era where online journaling or apps are easy, using a written journal is an amazing experience Picking out the right journal is an emotional experience for me, so while creating mine, I want something eye catching! I worked with Chad Schoonmaker and I love what we created.

I really love the act of writing in a journal. For me, the process of writing by hand makes a difference. Granted, it’s more time-consuming than typing, but I find I connect deeper with my words. It leaves a stronger impression on me. It’s an individual process, an extension of our character, our lives, and an instrument for growth.

So, let me introduce you to my two journals!

A 31-DAY DEVOTIONAL OF HOPE

I created this devotional specifically to be used as a special journal for women walking through trying to conceive. I pray this journal brings comfort and encouragement for women who are struggling. This devotional will help you pray your way through a difficult time and contains a month’s worth of devotionals, journal prompts, and helpful scriptures and songs to help you connect with God.

I want to encourage women, reminding them they aren’t alone in this journey. If you are reading this today, I want you to know that God is good and His plan is better than ours. You are not alone if you’re struggling! It’s possible to live this journey with grace. I would love to make all women’s suffering go away with the right word, but I know one’s grief won’t disappear. Sometimes life will bring you pain and sorrow, but these cannot tear you away from God. As long as your love for Him remains strong, you can cling to Him as He does to you in even your darkest times. 

A Nutrition Guide for Fertility 

I created this journal for accountability. I’m much more aware of what’s going in my body if I write it down. So in this journal, you can keep track of the food you are eating. I’ve also included some resources and charts with food suggestions that may have encourage fertility and your overall health. There’s even a small “kiss and tell” section on each page where you can track things like baby-dancing. (Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me!) An added bonus is a section with resources on fertility-friendly nutrients recommended for women.

I am so passionate about these two journals! You can find both in my shop here: https://www.etsy.com/shop/TheHopefulHoneyBee

Thank you for reading! I would love to connect more on Facebook at The Hopeful Honey Bee or on Instagram @thehopefulhoneybee.

Gals, if you are interested in either or both of these products, you can use coupon code TRIALSBRINGJOY for 20% off until Saturday the 26^th! SUCH A GREAT DEAL!

BONUS! Krystal is giving away a TWO SETS of her journals in a giveaway for my readers this week! YAY! You can enter below to win the first set via rafflecopter (all you need is an email address so we can contact you if you win!). You also can pop over to my instagram page (@chels819) for your chance to win the second set! I know these journal sets will bless 2 ladies immensely! Good luck!

Click here to Enter: a Rafflecopter giveaway

PS – 7 days until stims start …

What a week it’s been! Since sharing our exciting news about stepping into one last IVF cycle, the support has been humbling and completely overwhelming in the best possible way. (Need a recap about our journey through infertility or the plan in place? Click to find out more!)

The questions have been steady and I’d love to jump in quickly to answer as many as I can!

What’s the timeline!?

We have already started! Here’s a brief timeline recap:

End of February: Started Provera.

This week: Starting birth control pills for 2 weeks to maintain suppression, our nursing consult, signing all the consents, attending the CCRM IVF training class, completing the mandatory communicable testing lab work, genetic carrier screening lab work, chromosome analysis lab work, a gamete of hormone blood draws for me and an ultrasound to make sure I am clear of any cysts or other issues that would delay things. We will have our final calendar and prescription in hand by the end of the day tomorrow and ready to get this show on the road!

Next Monday: A final regroup with our doctor, reviewing lab results and making final touches to the cycle plan.

End of March (Exact date TBD, but sometime between the 26-30): Starting STIMS!!! (If you are new to this lingo, basically this is the time to develop  all of the follicles started during a natural cycle. In unmedicated cycles, only one of these follicle will develop to maturity, rupture and release its egg. During IVF, they “rescue” the other follicles and eggs using fertility injections, on average, between 8 -25 follicles. Yes, this is the time where the SHOTS anthem rings out loud and clear.

Early April: My egg retrieval surgery, which will be anywhere from 9-12 days from the start of the stimulation medication.

Early June: God-willing, if we have embryos that continued to develop, we will be doing a frozen embryo transfer (with ideally 2).

Wait, so are you not doing a fresh transfer?

Not this time! Fresh retrievals and transfers have been hard on my body in the past and we have learned that along the way. This time we are going to give my body a chance to recover (hopefully avoiding the ER this time!) and rest, freezing all our viable embryos, and then starting a frozen embryo cycle in May.

How will the Frozen Embryo Transfer differ than the fresh cycle part?

Our job during an FET is to make sure my body is ready to receive the transferred embryo(s) so that they will God-willing implant. (This is the part where I can’t emphasize enough that it’s ALL God. There is NOTHING science can do to make an embryo implant and get cozy. It’s all Him!)

How will your cycles differ from last time?

(This will be technical without much explaination! If this makes no sense to you, no worries, just skip this section.) We are not doing a Lupron suppression beforehand and will only be on birth control pill for 2 weeks prior vs. 28 days. (There has been concerns in the past that I have been over suppressed). We are going to be using different medication dosage to ensure my hormones are where they should be each day. We’ll use a Lupron trigger shot versus an hCg shot to prevent OHSS. Since we are giving my body a break afterwards, we can be a bit more aggressive with trying to retrieve a few more eggs (since we are hoping our little one will have a sibling some day!). We will be using ICSI for fertilization.

For the FET cycle, we will be doing progesterone and estrogen injections, having an endometrial scratch done during my hysteroscopy end of April and an autoimmune protocol post transfer, including prednisone, Claritin and another medication I can’t remember for the life of me! For my Factor V, we will be doing lovenox injections every 12 hours for the course of the pregnancy (switching to Heparin at the end).

What are you going to do if you have more than 2 embryos?

Our stance has never wavered or changed that life begins at conception, and so, God-willing, if we have more than 2 embryos at the time of our transfer, we will continue to keep them frozen and use all of them in the future. This may mean another attempt for a child if the first transfer fails or in the future for siblings if we are blessed with a pregnancy. We know that God has numbered every single baby and intend to do everything we can to honor those kiddos, even and especially in these early life stages.

What can we be praying for specifically?

1) For continued peace. We feel so calm with this plan, even as overwhelming as it is, and a gentle peace that this is all Holy-Spirit led. We pray that if anything is meant to change, He would make it clear.

2) For all of the testing taking place this week. While we are optimistic, we could learn news that could veer us completely about our health or the potential for a future family. We are praying for good, clean healthy results.

3) For wisdom for our doctor, Dr. Batcheller. (Which is pronounced “Bachelor”, so I assume it was meant to be, hehe!).  IVF is a very day-by-day thing and her wisdom is important as the plan will always need tweaking, especially as new results come in.

4) For continued provision. I was able to take a contract job for the last few weeks which has been an incredibly blessing, finance wise. We simply pray for opened doors and continued answered prayers as our insurance doesn’t cover anything.

5) For emotional protection and physical strength. This is so physically testing and strenuous however, the emotional battle is even harder. We know He is in control, but it can be hard to logical when the hormones are raging.

Can I still join your prayer puzzle project?

YES! If you have already joining our prayer puzzle efforts, THANK YOU! Truly! From the bottom of our hearts, we are so grateful that you have claimed a spot in our puzzle. Financially sponsored or not, there is a huge sacrifice of time, prayer, and care. We can’t wait to write your name(s) on the back of our puzzle! (And to those who shared our story on social media too, THANK YOU! We have been floored by the amount of strangers praying with us as a result of a Facebook share! You guys rock!)

Side note: If you ever do something similar, putting together a puzzle that’s entirely white with just a little bit of black is hard. Ha!

But truly, your action has impacted our hearts in a gigantic way.

We still have about a fourth of the puzzle left to cover with the names of our prayer team, so if you are praying, please, share that with us! You can read all about the project here and abbreviated directions are listed below.

Here’s how it works:

• If you want a piece of the puzzle, it’s all yours! Claim a spot here in exchange for prayers! **UPDATE: The link is closed as the puzzle is full**

• If you want to purchase a puzzle piece and support us in this way, first of all, truly, thank you.  We don’t take your sacrifice lightly. You can sponsor as many pieces as you would like! ($5 = 1 piece, $10 = 2 pieces, $20 = 4 pieces, etc…) With each additional piece you add, feel free to add a message to your portion of the puzzle scaled to size! We would love words from you etched into the puzzle!!! (This is optional.)

If you choose to donate, you can do so in one of these three ways:

• 1 – Click on the Donate Button and purchase your piece(s) through a secured PayPal link.

**DONATIONS CLOSED AS THE PUZZLE IS FULL**

• 2 – Write a check or donate cash and hand deliver to Josh and/or Chelsea.
• 3 – Mail a check to us (email us at trialsbringjoy @ gmail.com for a mailing address).

In closing …

This is all a lot and we don’t expect anyone to understand it all. Heck, we barely do some days! What we do know is that He is leading the way in all of this. I am so thankful that He doesn’t need us to understand everything in order to trust Him. Pastor Craig Groeschel said in a message a few months ago that “What we fear the most reveals where we trust God the least.” It was so convicting for me then, and now, because it can be really easy for me to become fearful over the many “what if’s” that lie ahead. I am working daily on what it looks like to trust Him COMPLETELY – regardless of what the outcome is. But that’s a whole other post for another day.:)

Thank you friends for caring as much as you do. To Him be the glory!

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Interested in learning more about all of this? CCRM has a resource page (that I have not explored fully yet) but you are welcome to investigate this IVF stuff a little more here!