the start.

And just like that. Boom. I remember it all.

The alarms reminding me it’s time for shots. 8 am. 8 pm. The sting of the alcohol pad against my battered and bruised tummy. The sensation of the needle pressing again my flesh, the feel of fire running into me. The need for band-aids. The clank of the empty syringe in the sharps container. The need to pack a cooler with my medicine just in case I am not home in time. The exhaustion. The anxiety. The feeling of helplessness. The desperation for Him to meet me every minute of the day.

Suddenly, like a wave of concrete, it hits me. All of it. What we are doing. Every part of the Logical Chelsea is saying “Why are we doing this?! Are we crazy?! I can’t do this again.”

Meanwhile, the other Chelsea that’s connected with God, is so excited. You see, even though this Chelsea remembers the pain of the surgery retrieval and the tender, uncomfortable days of healing ahead, she also remembers the first time her and Josh saw their little embryos to transfer. The joy they felt as they welcomed those babes into her uterus. The hope in Him and in Him alone to work a miracle.

That’s the hope we are clinging to. I understand this last cycle may be against all logic. (Isn’t that how God works sometimes?). Yet, God has brought us to this week. He has been hearing our cries. He’s been hearing our prayers. He is going before us in a way that only He can.

And friends, we need Him now more than ever. Because when God is working this much and these many prayers are involved, we know that the devil isn’t happy. His best strategy against me is to break me down, making me feel anxious, fearful, and out of control. And I KNOW that’s not God’s best for me. And so, I am tasked to pick up His Word each day and declare His promises over my nerves, but it isn’t easy. It’s been really hard in fact to override the chatter. Your prayers for continued strength and peace are invaluable today and in the week to come.

We are currently on day 4 of stims. Our protocol this cycle has me doing 2 vials of menopur a morning, 300 iu’s of follistim at night, plus dexamethasone. We will be adding in ganerlix injections in the next day or two. My body is tired already, my mind working on overdrive and my hormones, well, let’s just say, raging in their full, weepy glory.

I was praying before I started this cycle and God led me to these two verses, what I am clinging to. It perfectly summarizes our goals: to create a family, filled with joy, that brings Him glory. Not to us, but to His name.

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“Trust in You” by Lauren Daigle has been on repeat all day and most certainly is the anthem to this cycle. If you haven’t heard it before, I encourage you to take a minute to listen to it and read through the words. (emphasis mine)

Trust In You

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
 

Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings 
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!

Will you join me in praying that our hearts would be filled with an unexplainable peace and trust in Him? This won’t be easy. It’s not easy. For anyone reading this today who wonders how I stay strong, friends, I am not. My knees are buckling and today I am reaching more than ever for His steady, mighty hand of comfort. This is real. This is life. It’s hard. But it will be worth it … Lord, hear our prayers.

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Shot day ONE! *** Jill over at https://www.etsy.com/shop/ThePUREGRACEco is offering 10% off all tee’s and tanks this week using TRIALSBRINGJOY at checkout.


Our prayer puzzle is almost complete! Ready to claim your piece? Check out the post here for all the details! We cannot thank you enough!!!! Update: Our puzzle is completed! THANK YOU!

32 thoughts on “the start.

  1. waitingforbabylang says:

    You have been my inspiration! You got me through medicated cycles, multiple IUI’s, painful procedures, tests, and our first IVF cycle. Your strength and faith is admirable! You continue to be in my prayers!! Hang in there sister!!

    • chels819 says:

      Reading this today made me weepy because I don’t feel like an inspiration at all today. YOU INSPIRED ME! Thank you! I appreciate your prayers and support!

    • chels819 says:

      Your prayers mean so much and your words were like balm to my soul today. He does provide us the strength! Somehow we get through the hard days … thank you so much!

  2. Katie Boswell says:

    I love you so much friend!!! You’re such a wonderful inspiration and every post of yours speaks right to my heart! Please know that you are doing GREAT things, don’t ever forget!!!

  3. Caroline @ In Due Time says:

    Cheering you on friend! He makes the barren women a joyful mother of children! What a perfect verse to be led too. I hate the pain, shots, and everything you are going through, but it WILL be worth it! That Lauren D song is perfect xoxo

    • chels819 says:

      Thank you for carrying my hope and excitement on hard days friends! I am grateful for the hope He gives that it will be worth it …. and yes, Lauren Daigle is so wonderful! Love you! XO!

  4. mymiraclerainbow says:

    The shirt is awesome! I love the positive vibes in this post. Needles can make our body tiresome, but not our heart :). Wishing you all the happiness and god luck luck for a fruitful cycle!

    • chels819 says:

      Thank you! YES! Reading what you wrote about needles making our body and heart tiresome was so validating to read. THANK YOU. I really needed to just be reminded that I am a little tired hence the hard day/ Thanks for your wishes and love sent! <3

    • chels819 says:

      Thank you kindly! Your prayers, especially on days like today when the weariness is overwhelming, is exactly what carries me through the day. We are so grateful. XO

  5. Bethany says:

    Thinking and praying for you! You can do it! I listened to the Lauren Daigle for every one of my shots the last two cycle, which was immensely calming (although now when I hear it on the radio I feel like I should be getting stuck…) No matter what we face, He is by our side!

    • chels819 says:

      Ahhhh, what a great idea to listen to it while doing shots. I love that! I am so thankful for the calming ability that worship has … it’s a true gift. Thank you for the prayers and love!

    • chels819 says:

      Incredibly grateful for those prayers. I have asked God multiple times today to just release the prayers of His people on my heart … you have made a difference! <3

  6. Michelle says:

    I am so glad I stumbled on your blog today. I am so very encouraged by your faith and trust in Our Lord. My husband and I are currently going thru the trials of infertility, & we have our first appointment to discuss IVF next Wednesday. I have been trying so hard to turn to God. My heart is aching every day. I open up my bible every morning & give my heart and needs to the Lord. I know he will provide!!! God is good & He is doing great things all the time, in all of us. I hope you have a successful FET. I’m praying for you!!

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