You came out screaming, crying, displaying your tiny four pound bodies to the world. With a scalpelled cut and a pull, a million prayers were answered.
Kirsten and Logan, you arrived.
Month one: What day is it? Who am I? Is it time to eat? Who needs a diaper changing? I need to pump. Why is this so tiring? I am utterly grateful for how content you two are and also, utterly thrown into a tailspin after our NICU discharge. We have to bathe you all by ourselves now? But you’re so tiny. I am a mom. I am a mom? Which way is up?
Month two: What is happening? Is this what reflux is? Why are you crying? Another late night feeding. Why does Josh like to talk so much at 2 am? It’s time to pump, again. Bottles washing. Why do Dr. Brown bottles leak like this? I am a mom. I waited so long for this. Why am I so tired? Am I crying? My face is wet. Who are these little humans I love so much? Let’s just cuddle all day.
Month three: We are doing this! Tiny smiles are emerging. Sleep is coming more regularly. We are falling into a pattern, a rhythm. It takes me an hour (or two) to get out the door, but we manage to leave the house. Once. And then I realize it was way too much work for the effort. We like staying home anyways. Pizza for dinner again.
Month four: You begin sleeping in your cribs and we reclaim our bedroom. I miss your tiny sleepy moans. I cry, again. You are growing up so fast. I marvel at how well you sleep and how much I miss you now that you are a bedroom away. You are the cutest and funniest things I have ever seen. I am beginning to understand my new role. I am your mom. My heart is disoriented that I am living my dream.
Month five: You begin to start a village of junk under your neck rolls. We bathe you in the kitchen sink and while it’s an exhausting production, we love bath nights. You are both so content and we revel at the chance to slather you with lotion and kiss every inch of your tiny growing bodies. Leaving the house is more doable. I feel like a superhero at Target. You made your tv debut and the whole world got to know what miracles you are.
Month six: Thanksgiving and so much to be thankful for. You two are the light of our lives. You made your first trip to BSF. Kirsten, you also got your first cold. I am flourishing in the joy and rhythm of motherhood with utter exhaustion and complete fullness. The cold is setting in outside and we hunker back down into our home, happy to be playing with our toys and reading our books.
Month seven: Christmas reminds me of the siblings you have in heaven. Our hearts are healed as we hold you two. You are working on learning to sit up by yourselves. You tip over a lot. We love to kiss you. I order everything I can online for the holidays and we burst with joy as we send out Christmas cards with YOUR faces on them. We are a family of four, five including our Cali puppy. How much things have changed.
Month eight: Our days are filled with laughter. Your giggles are the most beautiful thing our ears have heard and we will forever act like morons to get you to laugh. You love spa time with mommy, having your tiny limbs massaged with lotion and kisses showered on your neck. You’re losing your full baby cheeks and getting longer, growing so fast. Slow down time.
Month nine: How have I been pumping this long? I have a love/hate relationship with being an exclusive pumper. I finally have a routine down, able to cut back on the amount of times I pump during the day, especially thankful I no longer need to do it while you two are awake. You are starting to truly enjoy people food. Olives. Waffles. Green beans. Gramma’s spaghetti. Kirsten, you are a neat and meticulous eater. Logan, you are happiest when your fists are both clutching the maximum amount of food they can hold. You complete us.
Month ten: You become international travelers and show us how well you are at adapting to new places. You are far more flexible than we give you credit for. You are introduced to the water, the ocean, the pool. Logan, you love it all. Kirsten, you are more cautious. We love watching your personalities blossom.
Month eleven: We clap. We blow kisses. We crawl everywhere, fast and quickly. Pulling yourselves up, you want to walk so badly yet aren’t quite ready to let go. Noises make you both laugh. Books make you both slow down. Mommy spends her first 48 hours away from you and her heart shatters. Being without you both is like being naked at a concert. I feel like my limbs are missing and my arms ache to hold you again. Not surprisingly, you survive and enjoy the time with family. You two are independent yet will always need your momma.
Month twelve: I question it all. How did we get here? Where did time go? The days are short but the years are oh so fast. You two are little people. You have your own God-given quirks and talents, personalities and interests. I marvel at the creation God has given us in you two. We daily say to one another “Can you believe we have two babies? A boy and a girl?! Our Kirsten and Logan?!”. We pinch ourselves. Our hearts are fuller than we could have ever imagined. We have made it a full year on breast milk and my exclusively pumping journey can end. (Don’t get too sad little ones, Momma has been saving up thousands of ounces in the deep freezer for the months to come.) You are becoming less interested in bottles though, and more interested in people food.
This first year has been unlike anything I have experienced before. Infertility gave me a perspective into parenthood that I always hope to cherish. The early days seem like a year ago, and like yesterday at the same time. Just yesterday we sat in your nursery at 2:00 am, hunched over your boppy loungers, tickling your feet to try to wake you, rejoicing over the 40 mL’s you ate, cheering for your burp as if you hit a grand slam. It took us 7 months to stop tracking every diaper change, every feeding, every pumping session. I whisper the words over you each night that my mom whispered over me – God bless you, watch over you, and keep you safe throughout the night, Amen.
The early challenges were disorienting – trying to figure out what this cry meant and what reflux medicine was working best. These days, the challenges seem less decapitating. No, you can’t pull out that lamp plug. No, you can’t shove a Ritz in your mouth whole. No, you have to sit still while I change your diaper so you don’t get poop …. well, everywhere, okay you rolled. Awesome.
We sing songs. We patty cake. We roll in our cart throughout Costco and I treat you like you are on a parade float. I HAVE TWO BABIES! I want to shout it out every single time. My pride in being your mom is crippling. I am so humbled to be chosen by God to love you. We crawl throughout the house, investigating everything, and I try to reach Cali’s water dish before you. We treat Vitamin D drops like candy and snot sucking time like a spa trip. You two are a hoot.
Kirsten and Logan, you two are our dreams come true. You are our miracles. You are our answered prayers. You are the reason we get up in the morning with such joy. God has given us you, after so much time wondering if this day would ever come. And now you turn ONE. And we marvel and reveal at what we overcame this first year as new parents, new twin parents nonetheless.
Always remember how special you are to Jesus and us. You were chosen for our family and it’s not a mistake that you are here with us. We love you to the moon and back our sweet bumbles. Thank you for being the breath in our lungs and the melody in our souls.
Kirsten’s Life Verse is Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Honey Bear, we chose this for you because we always want you to remember that God is the God of hope, joy, and peace and it all is rooted on your trust in Him. We pray that you will grow to love Jesus and put your trust in Him and in doing so, receive the Holy Spirit and understand what its like to love Him with your whole heart. Your middle name is JOY and we know that the only source of true joy on this earth is Jesus and our relationship with Him. We pray that you always radiate His hope, joy, and peace to others you encounter while living your life.
Logan’s Life Verse is Philippians 4:13 “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” Buddy, we chose this for you because we already see God created you to be a vibrant, active, energetic, little boy, full of adventure and determination. We want you to always remember that your strength in life will never come from what you can do. Your strength comes through Jesus. Nothing in life you may ever accomplish is because of your own doing. He makes you capable and able to find joy, peace, patience, humility, love, gentleness, self control, purity and more, solely based on His strength alone. We pray that you always remember who created, sustains, and loves you and that it shows in how you live your life.
Happy first birthday my loves.