I probably shouldn’t be sitting down to blog right now. In fact, I probably should go upstairs and lock myself in my bedroom or den and be avoided for the rest of the day. When I told my husband I was going to go blog, I saw his eyes light up with instant hesitation in regards to my sanity and I know he wanted to ask if that was really a good idea, but my eyes lit up just as quickly with a warning. But here is what I figure, if I can blog about the good, then I can blog about the bad. Besides, everyone wants to start their week knowing someone else out there is slightly unstable too.
Today has been difficult. Now sure, we all have bad days. But I have been a special kind of venomous today. I have tried my very hardest to keep it in. But I am downright irritable. Let me walk you through my day and my abnormal reactions:
- An hour after I woke up, I was vomiting re-living my breakfast in front of the toilet. Let’s just say I won’t be craving pancakes for a while now. (Brain: Of course this would happen to you. This is the punishment for NOT BEING ABLE TO HAVE A BABY! Meds that make you sick. Congrats!)
- Checking my phone multiples times to see if I have any text messages or Facebook messages I missed. Nothing. (Brain: No one cares about you! Of course no one would write you anything. Everyone is busy and doesn’t want to talk to you, crabby face.)
- Drinking a bottle of Sprite (which is the only drink that is settling my stomach right now) and reading the bottle which says “Every cap gets an instant dwnld” (Brain: What kind of idiot company offers people free Donald’s and then doesn’t even spell the word right. Seriously, what is a Donald anyways? Regardless, I bet I didn’t get the code.)
- Getting home from a weekend away, check the mail, hoping for something fun. Nothing. (Brain: Well who would want to write you? They have better things to do. Boo-hoo Chelsea.)
- Pulling up Draw Something on my phone and going to select a word to draw. Hmmm, should I draw “Positive” (like a pregnancy test) or “Pregnant” (like everyone but me). (Brain: NOW I HAVE TO USE A BOMB! I HATE THESE WORDS!)
I could keep going, really I could. (But I don’t want you to think too poorly of me. My self esteem couldn’t handle it today.). To sum it up, I am living in one big stew of self pity that I can’t seem to get out of. I know that I am in it, in fact, I am allowing myself to simmer. I did cruel things to myself today, like watch “pregnancy announcement” YouTube videos and taped Giuliana and Bill episodes merely to sulk with her.
What’s my deal? I went back and reread past blog postings, hoping that Sane Chelsea could speak to Wallowing Chelsea, but even that Chelsea is irritating me today.
It’s been easy for me to start tapping into the fear cycle. I have this little devil in my head that is starting to knock and say “Why Chelsea, what if this medication isn’t working for you?? What if this week of side effects and spiritual/emotional battling is for nothing? What if no medication will work for you, there is no hope? What if you aren’t good enough to be a mom? What if, what if, what if?” I have been trying to ignore him today, but I haven’t been trying very hard. And because of that, I am allowing negativity to creep into my heart and head and ruin my day.
Granted, I sincerely don’t feel well. The side effects of exhaustion, nausea, a severe headache, and funky mouth issues (metallic tasting, burning tongue, numb roof) have gotten to me and made me less than patient. But that doesn’t give me an excuse to wallow.
As I sat down to write this, my notebook fell on the floor and opened to a verse I sketched in it a few months (years?) back – Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” This is exactly what I needed to read tonight. (Doesn’t He always do that?) Today I feel weary. The burden of wanting to have a child and not being able to, combined with the fear and unknown over a new month of treatment has me stumbling. But when I push past the pity party, fervently pray against the fear, I am overwhelmed by the peace of God.
Today might have been rough. And tomorrow might be rough too. But I know that at the end of the day, I have a partner on earth who knows just when to hug me and when to leave the room, and a Father in heaven who is holding me throughout it all.
I’m tired of being afraid
I’m wondering how I got this way
I’m trying to remember what life was like before
Panic moved in without even knocking on the door
Have mercy on me
I’m not who I used to be
Have mercy on me
Have Mercy On Me, by JJ Heller