Neutral.

“How’s your week going?” “Neutral.”

Is it possible to feel neutral? I don’t feel super hyper, happy and optimistic, nor do I feel pessimistic, wallowy, or depressed. I just feel present. The days seem long. I feel exhausted. (the kind of tired where the only way I can describe it is if someone took a syringe, inserted it into my bones, and then drew out all of the energy remaining in there.) My brain feels completely fried, to the point where I am pretty sure I may have just stared at a piece of fuzz in the carpet for 5 minutes. I just feel like one big sigh. (Is it possible to feel like a Sigh?)

Does anyone ever play song roulette on your iTunes? You know the game where you hit Shuffle and then whatever song comes on you were “meant to hear”? (I tend to do this with nearly all things … Hmm, what chapter in the Bible should I read tonight … Deuteronomy 6 – Alright!  //  What should I watch on my DVR  * scrolls up and down while looking away* Okay! Sandwich King! // Which color pen should I use to write this card with *randomly mixes up pen cup* Cool, blue! // What worship song am I supposed to listen to right now … *turn on the radio* A commercial. Hm, what’s the hidden message in that … You get the picture.) Anyways, I keep doing this with my iTunes and keep getting these awesome messages that I was just meant to receive:

Jason Mraz told me “Why do we lay all these traps, we put them right in our path … I will not waste my days making up all kinds of ways to worry about some things that will not happen to me. So I just let go of what I know I don’t know and I know I’ll only do this by living in the moment…with peace in my mind, with peace in my heart, peace in my soul..I’m letting go of the thoughts that do not make me strong.”

YES JASON! Oh I was so meant to hear that. Thank you for reminding me to live in the moment, be positive and present, not to worry. Good message, good message, ok, next one I am meant to hear ….

Jennifer Knapp then reemphasized “Nothing is … impossible for me ‘cause I got faith that moves the mountains…and how can I forget this thing so quickly? How can I so easily fall on my knees? And I am weakened by the ignorance of you.”

Ohhh Jennifer, exactly what I needed to be reminded. I have God on my side and am stronger than I think I am. Perfect. Thank you for that message …. Ok, next song.

Justin Timberlake reminded me that “I’m bringing sexy back.” (Thanks for the self esteem boost Justin!).

Johnny Langs asked me “Tell me how much more can you take? I see the broken heart you try so hard to hide, I see the tears you hold back in your eyes. You’re not alone and I’ll be there… Whenever it feels like I’m so far away, remember my love remains … I see the fear and doubt that paralyzes you … And you can’t find a stand to fight, please keep this one thing in mind…my love remains.”

Johnny, *stifled sob*, I needed to be reminded of that. Thank you. Those words spoke to my heart.

It goes on and on. Typically I am shocked once or twice that I want meant to hear “Baby Got Back” or “Rockin’ Robin” (don’t judge), but still I go back for more, waiting for “my message”.

It dawned on me earlier today that I try to fill up the messages that God wants to deliver to me Himself in the silence, with this game of roulette. Mother Theresa once said “In the silence of the heart God speaks. If you face God in prayer and silence, God will speak to you. Then you will know that you are nothing. It is only when you realize your nothingness, your emptiness, that God can fill you with Himself. Souls of prayer are souls of great silence.”

How many of us are guilty of trying to fill up the silence with something? To find hidden meaning in everything simply to distract ourselves from the vulnerability of quiet? For me, I feel like this week of “neutral” is an opportunity to be blessed with no mental distractions – no hyper brain ruffling or dreary thoughts. It’s a chance to just be. To quietly wait in the presence of God and let HIM speak to me. Not Jason or Johnny or Justin or Jennifer, but JESUS. (Side note: Weird, all J names. Totally not planned).

I had the privilege of hearing Mama Maggie of Egypt speak at the Global Leadership Summit in August of last year. The sentence that has never left my mind is this – and I encourage you to read this and breathe through reading it, read it slowly. Savor the words. Take your time. “To be in silence is to be full inside of yourself.  It’s not easy. Silence your body to listen to your words. Silence your tongue to listen to your thoughts. Silence your thoughts to listen to your heart. Silence your heart to listen to your spirit. Silence your spirit to listen to His presence….In silence; you leave the many to be with the One.”

My challenge for myself is this. In this time of “neutral”, I can’t just do something. I need to sit there. Be still. Be silent. Listen. Stop trying to come up with the right lyrics or song or verse or segment to make me feel better, and give Him a chance to meet me. Silence is truly a spiritual discipline. One I have yet to come close to perfecting but am feeling the quiet nudging to continue to do. How will we know His plans if we don’t give Him time to tell us?

As always, thanks for all the words of encouragement, prayers, love and support. You have all blessed me infinitely more than I can express. As we wait to find out on Sunday if this medicine worked (in that it created follicles to increase the chances of ovulation), I know that I have the love of many behind us. Hopefully we will hear good news and that is the message that the medication is doing what it should, but if it’s not, I know God simply has other plans this month. And that’s okay. The realization of that is empowering.

2 thoughts on “Neutral.

  1. Doug says:

    Seems like when I read you blog a scripture always comes to mind. Today it was from 1 Peter 5:
    6 So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. 7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

    8 Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. 9 Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters[b] all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.

    10 In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. 11 All power to him forever! Amen.
    Peter’s Final Greetings

    12 I have written and sent this short letter to you with the help of Silas,[c] whom I commend to you as a faithful brother. My purpose in writing is to encourage you and assure you that what you are experiencing is truly part of God’s grace for you. Stand firm in this grace.

    Peter says “His purpose in writing this is to ENCOURAGE you and ASSURE you that what you are experiencing is truly part of God’s grace for you.” Please take encouragement and assurance from this passage. It is easy to feel alone in our trials, but know God has NOT abandoned you, but is building you for greater things than you can imagine. “ALL POWER TO HIM FOREVER. AMEN”

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