You know when you reach that point in your life where you become completely open to whatever God’s will is, the good or bad (or at least “bad” as how we see it), and feel like you are ready for anything? That’s the place Josh and I have come to with these struggles. In fact, we stayed up too late Thursday night talking about the events of the upcoming weekend: Friday/yesterday – a uterine procedure to check to make sure my uterus could hold a baby to full-term, amongst other things and then Sunday morning, the testing to check to see if the medication this month did what it was meant to do.
We talked and prayed that whatever news this weekend held for us, that we would be content in knowing that He knows better than us. We reflected back on the story of our house: In January 2009 we decided we were going to move out of our townhome, build a house (more specifically a B model in a particular development in Blaine) and move. We listed our townhome, started the building process …. then waited for the townhome to sell. And waited. And waited. Until it became painfully obvious that we were not going to sell it, at least not in a range that we could make work. We prayed and prayed for a sale, but at the end, knew we were supposed to walk away from the newly built house and stay in the townhome. Yes, we lost money. No it’s not what we hoped for. But it was well with our soul.
Fast forward to October 2010. The same builder we used in 2009 had just finished a B home, in the same development, about ten houses down from the one that we built. The future owner, a physician, had a change in his relocation contract and needed to walk away. The builder wanted to get the house off of their books before year end. We visited – and fell in love. Loved the location of the home far more than the first, loved the colors on the home far more than the ones we picked out, and loved the price far more than the first. Due to the economy, it was tens of thousands less than what we signed up to pay for the first time AND the builder agreed to negotiate even more AND put all of the money we lost on our down payment of the first home, towards the second. We found a renter for the townhome (had many offers!), and within 7 weeks, closed on the home.
Now clearly the second home was the one meant for us. It worked out far better in the long run and we are in a much better place in our lives (figuratively and literally) than we would have been in if the townhome sold back in March 2009. Here is the thing – we know that God’s timing is far greater than ours. In our late night conversation, Josh reminded me of this. He said “Chelsea, what if this doesn’t work? And nothing works. We have to trust, that like the house, He has a greater plan for us.” I love that and believe that in the bottom of my heart. So when we walk into these appointments, whatever news we hear, we know that it too will be well with our souls.
With that said, let me share with you about my doctor’s appointment yesterday:
I checked in and find out that I got the nurse I really like (yeah!) to assist with the procedure. The doctor and nurse were punctual to the minute of my appointment and brought me back into the room, where they explained all of the tools and informed me of what will be taking place during this procedure. “Expect to feel some pain and discomfort.” I’m ready! My brain shouted back LET’S DO THIS! (In my head, I had formed a little huddle and did “Uterus on THREE!”).
Fast Forward – (ouch, pinch, gasp, pressure, cold, seering pain, brief relief, cramping)
Dr.: “Wow, things look perfect! A textbook uterus. No lining issues, weird tilts, debris or cysts. It is exactly what we are hoping to see.”
C (in my perfectly warm doctor’s office voice): “That’s wonderful. I’m so glad to hear that.”
C (in my head): ALRIGHT! WHOOOOOP WHOOOOOP! TAKE THAT! FINALLY YEAH GOOD NEWS! I AM SO HAPPY! LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL UTERUS! I ROCK! THANK YOU JESUS!
Dr: “I know you have your appointment on Sunday morning to see if you have any follicle development, but let’s quick check things out now too, to see if the medication worked.”
(Me, frozen, not prepared for “this news” today, no time to mentally prepare.)
C (in my perfect warm doctor’s office voice): “Oh yes, that sounds great.”
C (in my head): This is it! God, I ask that you release all the prayers over me right now that have been offered to you. Release the prayers and blessings and comfort that have been lifted up in our name. I accept whatever is about to happen and trust you.
Dr: “Why, look at all of the beautiful follicles! Multiple follicles … on both ovaries!”
C: (stunned silence)
Sidenote: For the last 16 months, I have been trying all different kinds of treatments to try to get follicles to develop. (Follicles lead to ovulation). This has been my issue – I CAN NEVER CREATE A FOLLICLE. Once I find out I have no follicles developing (“We are genuinely confused why there isn’t even a little one.” says the nurse) the treatment cycle stops immediately. We know I won’t ovulate this month and will need to take pills to induce a new cycle to start. I have had ONE appointment where they told me I had developed 1 mid-size follicle. That had been the only time, last JUNE, where this ultrasound had good news. So, you can clearly understand my stunned silence to hear 2 days before “THE” appointment, that I had MULTIPLE follicles.
Dr: “Oh yes, you have some nice big follicles that will become your dominate follicles on both ovaries. Wow, this looks great. Yep, this medicine worked perfectly for you!”
C: (stunned silence)
Dr: “Look here, see that? That’s the biggest one. That’s a really nice follicle.”
C: (in an emotional teary voice): “I’m sorry, I am just so thankful that I have follicles. I never really had follicles before. I don’t know what to say. I’m just so happy.”
Dr: “Oh yes, and I wanted to share that all of your bloodwork from last week came back and that was perfect. Your FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone) levels are perfect, mid range, and your estrogen, which we want to be under a 10 at this point, the lower the better, was at a 4. So we couldn’t ask for better results on your labs.”
I wish I could transport you into that room at that moment. It’s a moment where I physically, spiritually and emotionally felt the answering of prayers. My mental preparation was so ready to receive any kind of news, that the on pouring of GOOD news literally took my breath away. Was this too good to be true? No, this was simply God answering prayers.
I skipped (probably literally, everything is a little foggy) out of the appointment, barely realizing that I still was in quite a bit of pain from the invasive procedure. Called Josh so we could life up a PRAISE prayer of thanksgiving to our Lord (and thankfully he reminded me not to close my eyes, because I did on impulse and there was a biker there …. Glad he knows me well enough to know he needs to remind me of those things, ha!). Floated home and am still incredibly grateful.
Tomorrow we go back in to find out more information, revisit the little follies and pray they are continuing to grow to the point they need to be at. Then continue to pray expectantly.
And you want to know what else is great? That had the news been that there were no follicles, that the uterus didn’t look great, that we would have had the peace and reassurance that God had a bigger plan in place.
“Give thanks to the Lord. Call on him. Make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him. Make music to praise him. Meditate on all the miracles he has performed. Brag about his holy name. Let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Search for the Lord and his strength. Always seek his presence. Remember the miracles he performed, the amazing things he did.” (Psalm 105:1-5a)
Clearly we are not “there” yet – but I rejoice and give praises to God that he has answered these prayers. And if this isn’t our month, simply knowing that my body responds to this new medication is a huge relief. Knowing my uterus is capable of holding a baby is wonderful. Knowing that my hormones can work themselves out to lead to an optimal outcome is a blessing. So we rejoice in these things … in the greatness that is our Lord and his answered prayers.
Going through this is a blessing. It has grown our relationship as a married couple. It has brought us closer to those we love and added a level of vulnerability and rawness that is beautiful. It has given us a greater awareness of God’s timing vs. our timing. It has given us the chance to rely on Him more than ever.
So – step one: Follicles developing … CHECK!