Wait some more.
This seems to be the story of my life recently. And it’s frustrating. And disheartening. And slightly invalidating. My brain and heart tell me to remain hopeful and trust in His plan. My emotions dip from high to low in minutes.
Let me back up and walk you through my last 72 hours.
Sunday: Happy Mother’s Day! Josh and I were able to celebrate by going to the doctor and seeing a nice sized follicle! Hurray! The other potential follicles in the running shrunk or died off, but there was a good sized one measuring a 22 mm.
(Sidenote: This will likely mean nothing to any of you, but Follicle 101 – inside of the follicles are eggs. You have to have a follicle reach typically between a 20 mm – 25 mm before it will naturally release the egg. Too small of a follicle and the egg will not be mature enough – too big and the egg will be too mature and “over ripe”, thus making it very difficult for the egg to be fertilized.)
Sunday continued: YEAH! We are happy. We have a follicle in the “perfect” range. Now we just wait for an ovulation predictor test to indicate a “surge” of the hormones leading up to ovulation. (Still following me?). So we are waiting. Doctor says “Why don’t you come back in on Tuesday in the instance that you haven’t had your surge yet.” (Which isn’t going to happen to us! It’s the perfect size, I’ll test positive for a surge today I’m sure!) No surge on Sunday – which is ok. Tomorrow, we will wait for tomorrow.
Monday: No surge. Hm, this is strange. Surges typically comes 12-24 hours before ovulation and follicles tend to grow a couple mm a day. We are going to quickly run out of time for this egg to release. But let’s wait and see how Tuesday’s appointment goes.
Tuesday: Still no surge. Doctor’s Appointment.
RN – Let’s see how this follicle is looking!
C – I haven’t had a surge yet and I am worried that the follicle is going to be too big to ovulate.
RN – Everyone is different. One time I saw someone ovulate at a 12 mm and someone else at a 30 mm. Let’s just check. *pause*
RN – Alright, well, you have the one follicle that is a 30.5 mm. So that’s a little big but not impossible.
C – What does this mean?
RN – Well, it means one of two things. One, your body just makes large follicles and this is normal for you. We don’t know too much about your body in its unmonitored form, so you could get your surge today and it could all be fine! Let’s think that way!
C – What’s the other thing?
RN – Well, or this follicle could not ovulate but instead rupture and turn into a cyst. And all that would mean is that you would need to take a few months off of trying to let your body naturally flush it out. Or it could keep growing and would need to be surgically removed, but let’s not go there yet. Here’s what we will do, lets run some blood work to test your levels to see if you have already had the surge but just not been able to detect it from the other test. I am sure that those levels will be high and good and there won’t need to be another scenario!
(I appreciated her genuine positivity and enthusiasm, but unfortunately felt slightly shattered.)
RN – I will call you no later than 4:00 today with the results. I will also talk with your doctor about a plan. Just wait for that call!
RN – Well, unfortunately the blood work doesn’t show much in the area of good news. We don’t know if you are going to ovulate or not as the labs are pretty low in the ranges. So just wait a week and we will see then come back next week to “discuss a plan”.
How does a brain and body handle such a bombardment of emotions? I am starting to wonder how in the world I can continue to wait and not lose my mind. Am I disappointed? Sure. I wish that the surge would have happened when the follicle was the perfect size and the only waiting we would have to do is to wait a few weeks to take a pregnancy test. I feel like a curve ball was thrown at me in that not only do I have to wait to see if the follicle would develop and if it would lead to ovulation, but now I also have to wait to see if it will keep growing, rupture, and turn into a cyst that would put our entire journey on hold for a few months. (*throwing self on the floor and having a mini tantrum*)
I have had to bombard my head today with the reminder that this isn’t in my control. I am re-reminded that “We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God’s purpose prevails.” (Proverbs 19:21). It’s not easy. I also know that “(Job talking to God) “I am convinced; You can do anything and everything. Nothing and no one can upset your plans.” (Job 42:1-2) Am I frustrated as to why being pregnant right now isn’t part of God’s plan? Not frustrated as much as desperate.
C – God, don’t you see how maturely I am handling this wait? Can’t you bless me with a child as a reward for my clear obedience, trust, and patience?
G – I love you. Wait on me.
We all have those things we are waiting on. That THING. The job we are praying for, the house we are looking for, the baby we want, the healing we need – it’s present in all of our lives. The only thing right now that is making me feel better is the knowing and believing that if God wants me to have my THING, then it will be done in His own perfect time. Does that make the emotions easier? Not necessarily. But it does take the focus off of me waiting for a child and turn the focus onto God and waiting on Him. And isn’t life always much easier when our attention is on God and not fixed on ourselves? I am grateful that I am not struggling with the feeling of being ignored by God, in fact, the opposite is true. I feel completely enveloped by His presence and peace. But I also have gone through the times where I feel abandoned. And I am certain that someone reading this right now is in that place – feeling like God is ignoring you or is punishing you. Asking the “why’s” while we are waiting for our THING is normal. Continue to pursue Him – don’t give up hope that He is there. Be frank with God. Be frank with others. (A blog about authenticity is formulating for another day – stay tuned.)
So here is what I know. I know that there is still a chance that I can ovulate and that this follicle does NOT turn into a cyst. I know that in the instance that it does that, that there is a chance that it can be fertilized and lead to a child. I know that we serve a God that doesn’t operate in chances but in His plans. So I pray that God continues to work His plan, whatever that may be. Do I hope that I don’t have to take a few months off over this stupid potential cyst? Of course. Can I solicit all of you to pray against the cyst that might be – I hope so!
People ask what they can do and there is truly not much. But I ask that you continue to stay encouraging, prayerful and check in. I know that always at the beginning of a THING, the support is there. You lost your job, let me pray this week! You were diagnosed with something? I am praying this week! Your child is demonstrating self-injurious behaviors? I am praying this week! But after the week is up, the THING becomes more of an assumed norm and we forget to continue to pray. To continue to check in. To continue to offer support. It doesn’t get easier the longer time passes. In fact, it gets painfully more difficult. So to continue to have friends and family rally with us long term, that is the blessing.
Completely unrelated. I have a lot of time to read without kids. And I like to read. So … I will take this time in my life to read as much as I want. In my pajamas. With a snack and some tea. Cheers to that.