As I sit down to write this, I am distracted by our outdoor bird feeder and the swarm of finches that are currently attacking it. My peripheral vision keeps catching dashes of bright yellow and I keep pausing my thought process to watch them. They seem carefree, dashing over to the bird feeder, then popping over to the bird bath, then clinging to an evergreen branch as the wind whips around them. Then repeat. About 9 of them, a few even taking cover underneath the bird bath as it provides shade from the blazing sun.
This passage from Matthew (6: 26, 30-34, The Message) came to mind as I observe these little birds.
“Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds…If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting , so you can respond to God’s giving . People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”
I love the wording of what Matthew was trying to get across here. It was like God was sitting next to me talking. Chelsea, don’t worry about what tomorrow holds. Don’t get caught up with the anxiety of your doctor’s appointment. Don’t doubt that I am providing for you in a rich, unique way. Focus on ME, not on what you want from Me. I am providing for you all you truly need and am here for you.
Isn’t that a beautiful promise? We have our next doctor’s appointment tomorrow where we will find out if any follicles developed. If so, then we will look at my uterine lining to see if it is the right thickness to proceed. I didn’t realize that having an overabundance of follicles is a bad thing and the doctor can “cancel” a cycle if there are too many in order to do “due diligence” in protecting against multiples. (which I truly am thankful for). So tonight we pray the Goldy Lock’s prayer of having everything be juuuuuuussstt right. I’ll keep ya posted.
So, I have to be honest – I broke my first action item on my list within the first week. (DARNIT!). It seemed like a relatively simple one: “Stay off of chat rooms, websites, and forums.” Laying in bed the other night I wanted to Google a question I had about uterine thickness (a concern the doctor had going into this particular cycle) and BAM. First answer showed a forum where a woman had a similar question as me and, from what the Google teaser showed, also was planning a similar process as me this month (same medication, shot, and intrauterine insemination procedure (referred to from here on out as an IUI)). So I clicked. (Shame on me.) I read the question and the answers that proceeded and did get some helpful information. Then I noticed the post was from 2007. Her summary at the time shared their length of time trying (2 years), that this was their 3rd cycle of the medication and her 3rd IUI, all failing in months past. Wow, I thought, I hope this posting month was her month! So I clicked on her current profile, waiting to see a picture pop up of her and her darling son or daughter, maybe 2 by now. Instead, I saw that her profile was last updated May 12, 2012 and that they were beginning their 50TH medicated cycle to conceive #1.
Are. You. Kidding. Me.
I clicked on her profile for HOPE! Not for the devastating news that someone just like me was STILL WAITING. After 7 years! I clicked off the website immediately, as if I had accidently opened up a naughty website or something. I starred at my phone in the darkness and felt my Hope Candle blow out. And I realized it was the workings of the devil. I caved to the pressure of doing what I know causes me to doubt God and then was surprised when he used it as a working to discourage me! Tsk tsk Chelsea!
I sit by and watch so many others TTC and feel a wave of hopelessness wash over me after each one tells me this was not their month. When will it finally be someone’s month!? My heart cries out to God. I need hope that this will happen for someone. That you can move out of this circle! But I am reminded very quietly that my hope is not to rest in this woman whose story is/was similar to mine. That it is not to rest in the stories of my fellow TTC friends. That my hope is to rest in the One who knows my story better than me. Who promises that “nothing is impossible with God.” (Luke 1:37).
So here is to another week. A week filled with hopeful answers and news. A week where I am in tuned with God’s promises and am not discouraged by any part of my journey. A week where I can pause to watch the birds and remember that I count to Him far more. *picking up my glass* Cheers to a good week! (It is National Iced Tea Day after all!)