distracted.

I’m a little behind.

Not only in blogging, but in lots of things. My lists are going untouched. I just keep adding to them. Isn’t summer supposed to be a relaxing time of catching up and crossing things off the To-Do list? Eck. I blame the Olympics for the most part. Can someone whisk me away to a secluded room for a while, take away my cell phone, turn off the TV and pause life for a day? That would be great.

But back to the task at hand – blogging about what’s going on in our lives.

Well, since I last wrote, we had quadruplets, I dyed my hair red, and our apple trees are taller than 4 feet.

I kid. Those apple trees won’t be ready for about 18 years.

(Maybe I have had too much caffeine today. I clearly can’t keep my thoughts focused.)

Annnnnywayyysssss…..

Josh and I decided that we aren’t going to do another IUI cycle. The more we prayed about it, the less peace we felt about it. It was a mixture of concerns about the lack of success rates with only 1 follicle, paired with the un-covered insurance cost and the knowledge that it would be wiser to save those thousands to put towards IVF. In the end, we decided that we want to proactively plan for an IVF cycle this coming winter (early December). Before one can have an egg retrieval and embryo(s) implanted, it takes about 45-60 days of hormone prep. We did some backwards math that included some continued time to save, paired with life activities and mental sanity prior to that process and it left us with a few months of “in-between” time. We decided to move forward with 1-2 more cycles of the same medication I have been on the last few months, minus the IUI, but including the shot. It allows us 1-2 months with a “chance” and the cost of those cycles are quite a bit less. (Followed by a med-free month or two — yeah!!)

Of course, this decision had to happen quickly; within 2 days of finding out I wasn’t pregnant we had to know what our next steps were. We are thankful for all the prayers of wisdom and guidance that were prayed out upon us, because we both really feel at peace with our plan.

So I started this cycle and medications about a week and a half ago and worked my way through the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual battle last week. Interestingly enough, each month I seem to be hit with a different reaction to the medication. One month it was physical. (We all remember the pancake cravings.) The next, emotional. (Kleenex with lotion – best thing ever.) Followed by a mixture of the two. (My poor husband.) This month I was hit with a spiritual struggle that is difficult for me to put into words. I felt like my struggles last week were met with silence from God. My prayers seems empty. The words of worship forming on my lips seemed like more of a reaction than a heartfelt cry. I felt spiritually blue.  God directed me towards Psalm 13 (NLT) and I felt all I could do is read it as my prayer.

“O LORD, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O LORD my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the LORD because he is good to me.”

How beautiful is that? Can someone frame that for me? Love it.

We had a busy week with family in town and I know I wasn’t spending as much time in the Word as I should have been. That my mind was distracted and that because I felt like I was met with silence, the act of pursing Him regardless wasn’t a priority. It made me keenly aware of the importance of daily interaction and time with Him. I felt spiritually hungry all week  but wasn’t being fed. That disconnect scared me a bit. It reminded me of how exhausting this journey is without him.

Yesterday morning I went in for my follicle check. You can imagine how excited I was to hear that I have not one, or two, but THREE perfectly sized follicles. (I have never had more than one!) And the best lining thus far. Thanks for all your prayers for us this month – they are being answered! (And perhaps we will have triplets. Ron, Harry, and Hermione of course.)

Do you ever have a passage in a book stick out to you and stay in your brain for an extended period of time? Recently I have had a section from Sun Stands Still by Steven Furtick on repeat in my brain. It says “Sometime God has to let the sun go down so that His glory can shine through our lives. The darker it gets in your situation, the brighter God in His goodness and grace can shine through you for the world to see….Listen, no one but you and God really knows what you’re going through right now. But with all my heart, I urge you, trust your heavenly Father. Stand still and see His strength as He fights for you. I heard a wise, older pastor say it this way: ‘Sometimes we get to see the miracle; other times we get to be the miracle.’ In other words, sometimes God’s strength is demonstrated in what He does around us – the external effects of our faith and tangible answers to endue devastating setbacks with remarkable strength.”

Sometimes it feels like the miracle will never come. And that the sun will just keep setting. Even in a month like this one, with hope and optimism, it’s easy for my brain to prepare to wait the 18 days for the sun to set again. My prayer for myself is this – that even when it feels like I am not getting my answer,  that I take the opportunity to be the miracle.That I continue to have strength that is remarkable, that I give Him the chance to shine. That I take the focus off of me and continue to put it on Him. Maybe it’s time for you to take your Thing and be okay with being the miracle instead of having the miracle. Let His glory shine and be okay with it not shining the way you intended. Ooof. *gulp* Are we ready for that?

To my fellow friends TTC – I am frequently asked about good Christian book recommendations that I read that are encouraging and helpful in this time. I wanted to share two that I love – Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby by Janet Thompson (clearly one of the more original book titles) and a new one I just picked up last week and haven’t finished yet, but love so far, Hannah’s Hope by Jennifer Saake. I pray that if you are seeking a book on the spiritual struggles and God’s reply to those struggling with infertility, that you look into one of these two great options!

To those who are not TTC but are joining us on this journey – I have been blown away by the support from each of you. Your patience with my untimely posts, your encouraging words, your ability to listen without judgment, and truly, your genuine heart towards Josh and I, has been a beautiful thing. I continue to thank God daily for the gift of each of you in our lives and know that even if you have stumbled upon this blog and don’t know us, that you are likely ministering to someone else in a similar situation. What a blessing you are to them in their lives!

OK – I did it. I managed to not get too sidetracked while writing this. Now my brain has become unfocused again and is darting between deciding if I can muster the energy to wash the dishes (umm), if I should do a load of laundry (I probably am out of laundry soap), or if I should watch the Olympics (duh, winner). Go Team USA!

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