fear.

My words aren’t flowing out of my brain well today. They are getting trapped in the sadness of my brain as the reality of another failed month sets in. I truthfully never anticipate the feelings of sadness that inevitably come after an unsuccessful month.

Throughout this whole TTC progress, which has felt like a lifetime, I don’t think I ever truly thought it would come down to IVF. I always felt like there would be some answer to prayer before it that would give us success without having to use the last option. So when the reality is that we have to play our final card, I am somewhat shocked. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. I have heard the stories of how difficult the IVF process is. I know how expensive it is. I hear how physically draining and painful it is. I heard the stories of the miscarriages and negative results. And now, with the reality of all that looming, all I feel is incredible fear.

Not fear of the pain. Or the financial drain. Or the process itself. I fear the chances that it will not be successful. I fear the pain of it not working out. I feel anxious when I think about the pity of those around me and the thought of that overwhelms me. I hate the thought of people reading this who say things that are hurtful to me. Those who continue to think they know better than me and Josh in our process. I feel like after so many months and years of failure, that my heart feels like a glass ornament and it can’t handle being dropped one more time.

I don’t know how to express this panic that I don’t know what lies ahead. I am suddenly doubting everything I thought I knew, wondering if the peace that was there about this process was real. I am scared at the thought of the future, saddened by our present reality, and worried about the unknowns.

Despite all that – I still don’t question the “why”. I know that there is a plan and a purpose for it. Regardless of what that is, I believe it and trust God in it. This may sound morbid, but as I was driving with Josh the other day, I looked over at him and felt an overwhelming sense of joy and happiness for my relationship with him. And I thought about how blessed we are to have so much time together as a couple, that this unending trial brings us closer and closer together. God’s goodness in all of this is so evident to me that I could never question the “why”. As horrible as it sounds, I thought Maybe God knows that I will not survive the childbirth. Maybe this is all His way of allowing me to enjoy more time with those around me, with my Josh, with my family and friends. I know it sounds so morbid, but it was such a glimpse of the reality of the things I don’t know. And it makes me thankful for each day I have, even if the only baby our family has is a furbaby (Awww, Cali.)

We are waiting for more information from our doctor now. We have a class to take, forms to fill out, dollars to save and prayers to be prayed. What I ask of you is this – to pray for us to have 100%, complete peace that this is our next journey. That God would make it abundantly clear whether this is the route for us to take or not. That my fear be dissolved. That my strength be heightened. That our hearts be healed from the past and made hopeful for the future. That those surrounding us would have the words to say, the encouragement to give, and the understanding of the delicacy of the emotions in this process.

When you pass through the waters, God will be with you and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” (Isaiah 43:2)