fear.

My words aren’t flowing out of my brain well today. They are getting trapped in the sadness of my brain as the reality of another failed month sets in. I truthfully never anticipate the feelings of sadness that inevitably come after an unsuccessful month.

Throughout this whole TTC progress, which has felt like a lifetime, I don’t think I ever truly thought it would come down to IVF. I always felt like there would be some answer to prayer before it that would give us success without having to use the last option. So when the reality is that we have to play our final card, I am somewhat shocked. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. I have heard the stories of how difficult the IVF process is. I know how expensive it is. I hear how physically draining and painful it is. I heard the stories of the miscarriages and negative results. And now, with the reality of all that looming, all I feel is incredible fear.

Not fear of the pain. Or the financial drain. Or the process itself. I fear the chances that it will not be successful. I fear the pain of it not working out. I feel anxious when I think about the pity of those around me and the thought of that overwhelms me. I hate the thought of people reading this who say things that are hurtful to me. Those who continue to think they know better than me and Josh in our process. I feel like after so many months and years of failure, that my heart feels like a glass ornament and it can’t handle being dropped one more time.

I don’t know how to express this panic that I don’t know what lies ahead. I am suddenly doubting everything I thought I knew, wondering if the peace that was there about this process was real. I am scared at the thought of the future, saddened by our present reality, and worried about the unknowns.

Despite all that – I still don’t question the “why”. I know that there is a plan and a purpose for it. Regardless of what that is, I believe it and trust God in it. This may sound morbid, but as I was driving with Josh the other day, I looked over at him and felt an overwhelming sense of joy and happiness for my relationship with him. And I thought about how blessed we are to have so much time together as a couple, that this unending trial brings us closer and closer together. God’s goodness in all of this is so evident to me that I could never question the “why”. As horrible as it sounds, I thought Maybe God knows that I will not survive the childbirth. Maybe this is all His way of allowing me to enjoy more time with those around me, with my Josh, with my family and friends. I know it sounds so morbid, but it was such a glimpse of the reality of the things I don’t know. And it makes me thankful for each day I have, even if the only baby our family has is a furbaby (Awww, Cali.)

We are waiting for more information from our doctor now. We have a class to take, forms to fill out, dollars to save and prayers to be prayed. What I ask of you is this – to pray for us to have 100%, complete peace that this is our next journey. That God would make it abundantly clear whether this is the route for us to take or not. That my fear be dissolved. That my strength be heightened. That our hearts be healed from the past and made hopeful for the future. That those surrounding us would have the words to say, the encouragement to give, and the understanding of the delicacy of the emotions in this process.

When you pass through the waters, God will be with you and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” (Isaiah 43:2)

6 thoughts on “fear.

  1. Doug says:

    You and Josh are always in my prayers. I read this Psalm today, and I thought of your trials. What you say in the blog is true, you and Josh will grow ever more close through your trials. I know Jeannie and I have certainly found this to be true. God Bless you both, thanks for sharing.
    Doug

    Psalm 20

    1 May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
    may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
    2 May he send you help from the sanctuary
    and grant you support from Zion.
    3 May he remember all your sacrifices
    and accept your burnt offerings.[b]
    4 May he give you the desire of your heart
    and make all your plans succeed.
    5 May we shout for joy over your victory
    and lift up our banners in the name of our God.

    May the Lord grant all your requests.
    6 Now this I know:
    The Lord gives victory to his anointed.
    He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary
    with the victorious power of his right hand.
    7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
    but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
    8 They are brought to their knees and fall,
    but we rise up and stand firm.
    9 Lord, give victory to the king!

  2. chels819 says:

    Doug, thank you for your encouragement and sharing this scripture. I love that there is always verses and chapters like this that are perfect – encouraging, challenging, and the words on our hearts. Thank you!

  3. Kim B says:

    I wish I had the words to say that would take away all your fear. I can only say how truly sorry I am that you have to go through this. Both of you. My heart aches for you I hear your pain in your blogs. I question why as well and want you both to know we will stand with you always in prayer and petitioning before the Lord for his peace, understanding and astounding grace. As a family we will lift you up in prayer when you feel weak and will continue to remain faithful in knowing HE is able. Xo

  4. Beth says:

    Chelsea, thank you for sharing your journey and heart in this blog. Know your picture with my kids still sits on my counter to remind me often to be lifting you both up in prayer. I am so sorry that your are on this painful journey. I know for sure what an awesome mom you are going to be one day, as I saw how well you loved my kids during your time with them. I don’t know how or when God will answer, but I know He is good and he will. Know we will continue to pray for all you requested and for those who love and walk closely with you to be a strong yet sweet support for you both. We love you guys!

    • chels819 says:

      Beth, these words come as such a blessing. I appreciate these encouraging thoughts and reminders of God’s goodness. So blessed to have you in our lives … only wish we lived closer!

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