break.

Apparently this “taking a break” month has accidently including taking a break from blogging … whoops! Clearly my intentions are not to leave you without a post for over 2 weeks … yikes. I have to say, these last 4 weeks have gone by FAST. The idea of having a “break” was a big relief. I felt like after a long summer, it was nice to have permission to regroup, take some time off of medications and counting days, and just be.

Easier said than done!

For the last 3 weeks, I have felt more out of sync physically than I had when I was on meds. I hadn’t realized how much adrenaline, drive and energy my body was using to get me through each cycle. So when I didn’t need to have that – I crashed! When I stopped the TTC mentality, the exhaustion kicked in. My hormones went crazy without something supplementing and maintaining them. My body didn’t know how to react without the stresses and “busy-ness” of a cycle. I felt fried. It’s like that week after college finals where you just want to sleep and not have any sort of conversation that requires energy. I had so much invested into every day that stopping it cold turkey left me quite a bit more exhausted and confused that I thought.  But, 4 weeks later, I finally am starting to feel like myself again. My energy is picking back up. My brain feels less foggy. I have shaken off the TTC residue. My hormones are still out of whack – dealing with breakouts and mood swings like a 16 year old is fun – but I am somewhat used to the highs and lows of hormone inconsistencies. Regardless, the excitement that is building up for Josh and I as we get ready for this winter is indefinable.

So where does that leave us today? Well, as many of you know, we had our first IVF class last Thursday. It was incredibly helpful to sit in a room, in front of a doctor, who is walking several couples through the step by step process of IVF. I am a reader – so getting the books, pamphlets, forms and “recipe book of prescriptions” (as the doctor called it), helped me understand it better. The lecture was great for Josh to absorb the information audibly. We walked away feeling just as excited as we had when we walked in, if not more.

IVF cycles are broken down into the following stages:

  1. Consultation and Classes
  2. Testing
  3. Suppression
  4. Stimulation
  5. Egg Retrieval
  6. Embryo Transfer
  7. Pregnancy Test

We currently are halfway through the 1st step, having done the consultation and the first class. We have to go to a Shot Teaching class soon, as well as have our 1-1 nursing consult to obtain specific details for Josh and I. We also are jumping into the second step, as they are done simultaneously. The testing phase is different for each couple depending on what they have done previously. Luckily for us, a lot of the testing has already been completed as we have worked through this journey. The testing phase is minimal for me as I simply will need to go through a trial transfer in October (more to come on that then) and Josh has to go through some blood work and a few assessments that will let us know which type of sperm penetration the lab will use. Then, early October, I will start meds that will allow me to begin the Suppression stage.

It doesn’t feel like a lot. Truthfully, even looking down at 40+ pages in front of me, it all makes sense. I am grateful for the clarity and understanding that I have been able to obtain and retain from all the learning I have been doing. I think that has been an answer to prayer. : )

Sitting in the IVF class on Thursday night made my heart incredibly sad. I looked around the room at others in our same situation, some far worse off, dealing with complications far more difficult than ours. Women who spoke of their multiple miscarriages when asking about increased risk with IVF, wives that have to get donor sperm because their husbands have an issue, women whose bodies are misshapen and reject the embryo, where age/weight/health risks add additional stress to this journey. I couldn’t help but wonder how many of them felt alone in their journey; how many of them had people praying for them throughout it; how many of them had a third party involved in the voyage – Christ carrying their burden. I heard couples snapping at one another, the tension and reality of where they were leading to a breaking point. Women asking questions I would never think to ask because their story has been far more complications.

Psalm 38:6, 8 NLT says “I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief.  I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.I know each of those women have cried out in pain. Have felt the burning in their heart as it fills with confusion, pain, hurt. But what makes my heart ache is that many of the women don’t know verse 9,  “You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh.” What is it like to not have a relationship with God, to not know that He is there to lean on through this? To not know, in full confidence, that He does hear our every sigh? To not know that He is deeply nestled in the longing of our heart? God has stirred my soul with love and empathy for my fellow TTC friends and I ask you all, to join me in praying for them – for those who don’t know they have a Father to lean on – and for those who are weak to pray at all.

Now, I promise to not be so bad about blogging! And I promise that not everything will be about IVF and TTC. Now, I am off for a date night with Josh – trying a new restaurant downtown and then off to see Jason Mraz in concert! Those who know me well, know trying new restaurants and Jason Mraz are both in my top five favorite things, so it will be a good night.

Have a great week!

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