My words aren’t flowing out of my brain well today. They are getting trapped in the sadness of my brain as the reality of another failed month sets in. I truthfully never anticipate the feelings of sadness that inevitably come after an unsuccessful month.

Throughout this whole TTC progress, which has felt like a lifetime, I don’t think I ever truly thought it would come down to IVF. I always felt like there would be some answer to prayer before it that would give us success without having to use the last option. So when the reality is that we have to play our final card, I am somewhat shocked. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. I have heard the stories of how difficult the IVF process is. I know how expensive it is. I hear how physically draining and painful it is. I heard the stories of the miscarriages and negative results. And now, with the reality of all that looming, all I feel is incredible fear.

Not fear of the pain. Or the financial drain. Or the process itself. I fear the chances that it will not be successful. I fear the pain of it not working out. I feel anxious when I think about the pity of those around me and the thought of that overwhelms me. I hate the thought of people reading this who say things that are hurtful to me. Those who continue to think they know better than me and Josh in our process. I feel like after so many months and years of failure, that my heart feels like a glass ornament and it can’t handle being dropped one more time.

I don’t know how to express this panic that I don’t know what lies ahead. I am suddenly doubting everything I thought I knew, wondering if the peace that was there about this process was real. I am scared at the thought of the future, saddened by our present reality, and worried about the unknowns.

Despite all that – I still don’t question the “why”. I know that there is a plan and a purpose for it. Regardless of what that is, I believe it and trust God in it. This may sound morbid, but as I was driving with Josh the other day, I looked over at him and felt an overwhelming sense of joy and happiness for my relationship with him. And I thought about how blessed we are to have so much time together as a couple, that this unending trial brings us closer and closer together. God’s goodness in all of this is so evident to me that I could never question the “why”. As horrible as it sounds, I thought Maybe God knows that I will not survive the childbirth. Maybe this is all His way of allowing me to enjoy more time with those around me, with my Josh, with my family and friends. I know it sounds so morbid, but it was such a glimpse of the reality of the things I don’t know. And it makes me thankful for each day I have, even if the only baby our family has is a furbaby (Awww, Cali.)

We are waiting for more information from our doctor now. We have a class to take, forms to fill out, dollars to save and prayers to be prayed. What I ask of you is this – to pray for us to have 100%, complete peace that this is our next journey. That God would make it abundantly clear whether this is the route for us to take or not. That my fear be dissolved. That my strength be heightened. That our hearts be healed from the past and made hopeful for the future. That those surrounding us would have the words to say, the encouragement to give, and the understanding of the delicacy of the emotions in this process.

“When you pass through the waters, God will be with you and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” (Isaiah 43:2)

I love when I find things that change my perspective. When I hear things that nudge me and redirect me. I heard a podcast by Pastor Craig Groeschel and wanted to paraphrase it today (and include some direct quotes of course, being that I can get kind of wordy. Hehe).

We have been talking about our Thing through the course of this blog. My Thing is struggling with infertility. Your Thing could be many things – maybe it’s a struggling marriage that seems hopeless. Maybe it’s being single and wanting to find your soul mate. Maybe it’s a frustration with a friend who is fighting an addiction. Maybe it’s losing weight or finding your larger purpose. Maybe it’s your graduate program or your children who are more challenge than “normal”.  Or fighting to pay the bills each month, a lost job, a scary diagnosis, a recent death or a temptation that seems more than we can handle. We all have something, don’t we? And to us, it feels like it’s our whole world. Or at least mentally consuming most of the time. I have been challenged with the idea of perspective and want to bring it to this forum.

We all have a Thing and don’t understand the “why”. Why isn’t our Thing different? Why is this the season I am going through? Here’s the thing to keep in mind – God always has a Why behind the Thing. “God is not a God that wastes a hurt. God’s ways are higher than our ways; His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. He is good through and through. He is in control. He can take what the enemy meant for evil and our God is so good that He can turn an attack into something good. He can take a trial and turn it into something that develops a character in you. He can build your faith in difficult times. He is working in all things to make it into something good.”

I don’t have to understand the Why to trust God in the midst of the Thing.

Instead of asking “Why”, ask “Now What?”

I don’t know what going on in your life. And I don’t know the Why. But I trust that God is in it. It’s now moving that question to “What do you want to do with this in my life? What do you want to do in me? How do you want to use this?” Tough questions. But life changing answers.

I never asked to struggle with infertility. I have had to do my best at asking God to take these obstacles – whether they are a failed month, depressing test results, or icky side effects –  and use it, SOMEHOW, for a chance for Him to be glorified. “Let God take our set-backs, and changes them into set-ups for Him to make a difference.” I heard the quote earlier that said “My prison can become His pulpit.” God takes the things we would never chose and specializes in using those things for His glory. You may not see it right now, but I believe He IS changing our perspective.

“Our test that we endure today could be the testimony that we tell tomorrow.” (LOVE THAT!)

Throughout Pastor Groeschel’s sermon, I did a lot of head nodding. It was a message I needed to be re-reminded of. And I hope it’s helped you take your Thing and put it into perspective.

Josh and I have what feels like ages of more waiting to do this month. Is it bad if I say the waiting isn’t bothering me? I have a lot of peace about whatever the outcomes are, but I think the fact that we have a next step plan helps a lot mentally too. The waiting time may still be double digits but I figure I should be basking in the shot-free, hot flash free remainder of the month. (Plus having a birthday included in that waiting time makes the time pass much faster.) As always, your prayers mean so much to both Josh and I.

Let’s switch gears and talk about a few random things. Just go with me here – it’s the way my brain works:

1. I would like to learn the High School Musical We’re All in This Together dance. I missed this boat in High School and think it’s appropriate for a 26 year old (almost 27) to learn it for fun. My kids one day will be so proud. Anyone want to join me?
2. Ever since my aunt and cousins were in town and brought with them delicious homemade chocolate chip cookies, I can’t stop thinking about them! Anyone have a good chocolate chip cookie recipe to share?
3. I’m slightly relieved that the Olympics are over so I can go back to normal sleeping habits. And the Spice Girls reunion ‘totally rocked my face off’. (decade appropriate phrase)
4. My favorite Starbucks beverage is a non-fat, extra hot, no whip Cinnamon Dolce latte with an extra shot of espresso. I really could go for one of those right now. If it’s hot outside, I’ll get an iced coffee, sweetened, light ice with cream or a Passion tea lemonade, sweetened. YUM!

Hope you have a great week my friends!

I’m a little behind.

Not only in blogging, but in lots of things. My lists are going untouched. I just keep adding to them. Isn’t summer supposed to be a relaxing time of catching up and crossing things off the To-Do list? Eck. I blame the Olympics for the most part. Can someone whisk me away to a secluded room for a while, take away my cell phone, turn off the TV and pause life for a day? That would be great.

But back to the task at hand – blogging about what’s going on in our lives.

Well, since I last wrote, we had quadruplets, I dyed my hair red, and our apple trees are taller than 4 feet.

I kid. Those apple trees won’t be ready for about 18 years.

(Maybe I have had too much caffeine today. I clearly can’t keep my thoughts focused.)

Annnnnywayyysssss…..

Josh and I decided that we aren’t going to do another IUI cycle. The more we prayed about it, the less peace we felt about it. It was a mixture of concerns about the lack of success rates with only 1 follicle, paired with the un-covered insurance cost and the knowledge that it would be wiser to save those thousands to put towards IVF. In the end, we decided that we want to proactively plan for an IVF cycle this coming winter (early December). Before one can have an egg retrieval and embryo(s) implanted, it takes about 45-60 days of hormone prep. We did some backwards math that included some continued time to save, paired with life activities and mental sanity prior to that process and it left us with a few months of “in-between” time. We decided to move forward with 1-2 more cycles of the same medication I have been on the last few months, minus the IUI, but including the shot. It allows us 1-2 months with a “chance” and the cost of those cycles are quite a bit less. (Followed by a med-free month or two — yeah!!)

Of course, this decision had to happen quickly; within 2 days of finding out I wasn’t pregnant we had to know what our next steps were. We are thankful for all the prayers of wisdom and guidance that were prayed out upon us, because we both really feel at peace with our plan.

So I started this cycle and medications about a week and a half ago and worked my way through the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual battle last week. Interestingly enough, each month I seem to be hit with a different reaction to the medication. One month it was physical. (We all remember the pancake cravings.) The next, emotional. (Kleenex with lotion – best thing ever.) Followed by a mixture of the two. (My poor husband.) This month I was hit with a spiritual struggle that is difficult for me to put into words. I felt like my struggles last week were met with silence from God. My prayers seems empty. The words of worship forming on my lips seemed like more of a reaction than a heartfelt cry. I felt spiritually blue.  God directed me towards Psalm 13 (NLT) and I felt all I could do is read it as my prayer.

“O LORD, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O LORD my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the LORD because he is good to me.”

How beautiful is that? Can someone frame that for me? Love it.

We had a busy week with family in town and I know I wasn’t spending as much time in the Word as I should have been. That my mind was distracted and that because I felt like I was met with silence, the act of pursing Him regardless wasn’t a priority. It made me keenly aware of the importance of daily interaction and time with Him. I felt spiritually hungry all week  but wasn’t being fed. That disconnect scared me a bit. It reminded me of how exhausting this journey is without him.

Yesterday morning I went in for my follicle check. You can imagine how excited I was to hear that I have not one, or two, but THREE perfectly sized follicles. (I have never had more than one!) And the best lining thus far. Thanks for all your prayers for us this month – they are being answered! (And perhaps we will have triplets. Ron, Harry, and Hermione of course.)

Do you ever have a passage in a book stick out to you and stay in your brain for an extended period of time? Recently I have had a section from Sun Stands Still by Steven Furtick on repeat in my brain. It says “Sometime God has to let the sun go down so that His glory can shine through our lives. The darker it gets in your situation, the brighter God in His goodness and grace can shine through you for the world to see….Listen, no one but you and God really knows what you’re going through right now. But with all my heart, I urge you, trust your heavenly Father. Stand still and see His strength as He fights for you. I heard a wise, older pastor say it this way: ‘Sometimes we get to see the miracle; other times we get to be the miracle.’ In other words, sometimes God’s strength is demonstrated in what He does around us – the external effects of our faith and tangible answers to endue devastating setbacks with remarkable strength.”

Sometimes it feels like the miracle will never come. And that the sun will just keep setting. Even in a month like this one, with hope and optimism, it’s easy for my brain to prepare to wait the 18 days for the sun to set again. My prayer for myself is this – that even when it feels like I am not getting my answer,  that I take the opportunity to be the miracle.That I continue to have strength that is remarkable, that I give Him the chance to shine. That I take the focus off of me and continue to put it on Him. Maybe it’s time for you to take your Thing and be okay with being the miracle instead of having the miracle. Let His glory shine and be okay with it not shining the way you intended. Ooof. *gulp* Are we ready for that?

To my fellow friends TTC – I am frequently asked about good Christian book recommendations that I read that are encouraging and helpful in this time. I wanted to share two that I love – Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby by Janet Thompson (clearly one of the more original book titles) and a new one I just picked up last week and haven’t finished yet, but love so far, Hannah’s Hope by Jennifer Saake. I pray that if you are seeking a book on the spiritual struggles and God’s reply to those struggling with infertility, that you look into one of these two great options!

To those who are not TTC but are joining us on this journey – I have been blown away by the support from each of you. Your patience with my untimely posts, your encouraging words, your ability to listen without judgment, and truly, your genuine heart towards Josh and I, has been a beautiful thing. I continue to thank God daily for the gift of each of you in our lives and know that even if you have stumbled upon this blog and don’t know us, that you are likely ministering to someone else in a similar situation. What a blessing you are to them in their lives!

OK – I did it. I managed to not get too sidetracked while writing this. Now my brain has become unfocused again and is darting between deciding if I can muster the energy to wash the dishes (umm), if I should do a load of laundry (I probably am out of laundry soap), or if I should watch the Olympics (duh, winner). Go Team USA!