what i “know”

For the last 50 or so months, I have blamed every ounce of forgetfulness, word twists, and confusion on “the pills”. “Oh gosh, these hormones!”  or “It’s these dumb pills I am on! Makes me so forgetful!”. Now that I am off the majority of “the pills”, I am realizing I really am just forgetful/clumsy with words. I say the wrong words a lot. And I actually may be worse off the hormones than I was on them.

For example:

(In the kitchen at the cabin, talking to my mother-in-law)

C: Huh? Can you repeat your sandwich?

MIL: Huh?

C: Can you repeat your sandwich?

MIL: What?

C: Oh, I think I am saying sandwich. I meant sentence.

At work, while typing http://www.panera.com

C: Why isn’t Pandora pulling up!?!

Typing in http://www.panera.com

C: Is something wrong with my computer? Is someone playing a joke on me?

Retyping in http://www.panera.com

C: Ohhhhh, never mind.

In the kitchen, talking to Josh

C: Dinner will be ready in 240 minutes.

J: Huh?

C: Dinner will be ready in 240 minutes.

J: 240 minutes?

C: Yes

J: 240 minutes?

C: Oh. I meant 10 minutes. I don’t know why I said 240.

In the line at Starbucks

C: I’ll have a venti cinnamon dolce latte, no foam, extra hot. Double cupped.

What I meant to say: I’ll have a venti cinnamon dolce latte. Non-fat, no whip, extra hot.

I have no idea at all where the no foam and the double cups thing came from. No idea. I was really confused when I drank a big sip of whip cream. (Although it was delicious and I clearly have been missing out.)

In a restaurant, talking to a waitress

C: I’ll be fine with this iced Sprite.

W: You want a Sprite?

C: No, I am fine with this iced Sprite.

W: You don’t have Sprite.

C: Oh. I meant my iced water. I don’t want a Sprite. I am fine with my water.

I could continue. And these are only incidents within the last few days. It’s crazy! What is going on with my brain!?! The good thing is that the people around me laugh (with the exception of the waitress who just thinks I am crazy). But it’s frustrating! I don’t know why the words aren’t coming out right. Have I always been this bad??

I couldn’t sleep on Saturday night. I spent several hours watching Guiliana and Bill on DVR and couldn’t stop thinking about IVF. (Sidenote: I just LOVE Guiliana and Bill! Honestly, their positivity throughout trials, determination, and authenticity with their struggles … I just hope I can have a tenth of her good attitude throughout all of this!)

Continuing, as I thought about IVF, I felt prepared. I felt like I knew what was going to happen. I read the books. I talked to the doctors. I researched. But with IVF processes so fresh on my mind, I decided to dabble in the online world just to “confirm” what I knew. Eck. Not a good idea. 2+ hours later, several blogs and articles read  – I closed my browser and took a deep breath.

Here’s the thing:

I knew I would be swollen from the meds. I didn’t know my ovaries would swell to the size of grapefruits, causing aching and making it so I could “feel my ovaries jiggles as I walk.” (Their words, not mine). Oh yes, and every blogger stated that they looked 4-6 months pregnant during the stimulation process. Whoa.

I knew the meds would be a lot. But after seeing pictures people had taken of their table and fridge stocked with meds, my eyes popped out! I could open a pharmacy. All of that has to go in me? Mostly through a needle? Please no.

I knew I would be moody and have to work on controlling my moods. I didn’t know quite the extreme of irritability, mood swings and waves of emotions that would come with it. Even those who sounded extremely sane while blogging pre-IVF made my jaw drop when I saw the rage and crankiness pour on the page while on meds. Someone, PLEASE, keep me in check!

I knew the multiple shots in the same area day after day would be painful. What I didn’t know was the extent of the bruising, swelling, and bricks that form under the skin. I had no idea it would be that painful. Ice bag please?

In the end, what I realized was that I am not going to and will never really know everything about IVF before it starts. But I do know that this is the right decision for Josh and I. And I know that this is the path that God has laid out of us. I know He will continue to be faithful in providing us with support, encouragement, love and laughs. And that there are some things I will have to learn for myself along the way. That’s where your prayers come in really handy.  And your grace to put up with me on the days where my words are scrambled, my moods are difficult to anticipate, and my emotions are a bit much. What would I do without you guys??

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