So last time I blogged was last Friday (where did a week go!?). We were waiting for a call about our embryos. We were told that as of Thursday night, they were all still alive  (the 7 that is), and that the 6 split into an 8 cell and that our little straggler was still a 2 cell. Day 4 of incubation is the most critical developmental day so they do not disturb them on that day. They let us know to come in the morning to meet with our doctor who would tell us the final details on our embryos.

Josh and I were SO excited going into our embryo transfer! It really was such a special day. We were able to go out to breakfast together before hand and enjoy some special time together before the transfer. Once we got to the Center, we met with our doctor who let us know that our little straggler didn’t make it (which we kind of expected). Of the 6 remaining, 1 of them became a blastocyst, which mean that one would be transferred for sure. Then they look at the remaining embryos and depending on their stage and grade, they transfer the next best. We had one that was the stage right before the blastocyst stage (called a morula). The lab grades the embryos on a scale of 1-4. Our blastocyst was given a grade 3 and our morula was given a grade 2. (It mainly has to do with cell fragmentation within the embryo.) We were assured that both embryos looked great and that these are average grades.

Our doctor suggested that we implant 2 embryos, which is where Josh and I were feeling lead as well. She said with those specific two, and knowing my own medical lab work, etc, she gave us a 51% chance of getting a positive pregnancy result and a 15% chance of twins. I think Josh and I both wished it was a little higher than 51% but were happy that it was much higher than any percentage we have had in the past.

She also let us know that the remaining 4 embryos would be given 1 more day to become blastocysts. In order to freeze, they need to be in that stage.

Josh was able to be in the room with me during the embryo transfer which was wonderful! It was so special to watch on the screen together the actual transfer and to see the babies nestled in my uterus. I was relaxed with the help of Valium for the procedure and apart from the uncomfortableness from a very full bladder (32 oz in 30 minutes right before the transfer), I really didn’t feel a thing. We spent some time there resting and then were sent home. Our doctor explained to us that the embryos weren’t going to fall out (I was worried!). She said to think of them like 2 peas on a peanut butter sandwich, haha.

The first few days after the transfer I was on strict bedrest. Josh made sure I wasn’t scrunching or bent or moving in any way. The first day I was incredibly antsy. I am not a back rester/sleeper so not being able to be comfortable on my stomach was annoying. But the time passed quickly. The next couple days were better as my body’s exhaustion took over and I found some more comfortable ways to lounge. We were also informed that 3 of our embryos didn’t make it, but 1 did and it became a blastocyst so we have froze that. We were told that it has a 50% chance of making it through the dethaw process and about a 30% chance of resulting in a pregnancy. Again, not amazing odds but better than most and I am grateful we have another chance. It brings a lot of mental relief knowing that there is a chance to do a frozen embryo transfer assuming it survives the thawing process.

We were told if the embryos would implant, it would be within the first 48 hours. Essentially once they transfer the embryos into me, they then have to implant themselves. So the reality is, either they are in there right now or not. It’s a scary reality. Throughout this entire TTC journey, I have always had some feedback throughout the process. Checking follicles, lining, uterus shapes, lab work. Now I just wait. And can do nothing about the end results. Most days are really good days. I talk to the little babies. I envision good news and think positive thoughts. But I have bad days too. Wednesday was exceptionally difficult as the reality that there was a chance that I am not pregnant set in. I feel like I have gotten attached to these two little peanuts and spent the day “pre-grieving” negative news. I wish I could have snapped out of it. I had friends and family thrusting good thoughts my way. But my brain and eyes just wept for the journey, for the exhaustion, for the reality, out of fear that this truly may not be God’s time yet. It’s completely out of our hands. I know hormones don’t help logical thinking. In the end, I know that regardless the outcome, that we will be okay. We have each other, our friends and family, our fur baby, and most importantly, our Father who cares far more than we could ever imagine.

“That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.  For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

All of our Things, whether trying to conceive, dealing with pain and suffering, struggling to get by … in the long run, these things are very small. But we have an opportunity to take these tough times and use them to strength us, make us better people, share His light, rejoice in Him and bring Him glory. When we focus on Him instead of on us, it takes the power away from Satan, no longer allowing him to run the “what if…”’s and “how come”’s that attack our brain. It’s not easy. And I fail at this, like Wednesday. But joy comes in the morning and we wake with renewed strength. Josh is my forever optimist and positive light. I am so thankful for him and the constant reassurance he brings.

A lot of people are asking “so when do you find out?!” This is a tough question to answer because the reality of the heartbreak and pain, or the joy and celebration can’t be shared or pinned to one day. So please know that we will find by the end of the year and will share with all of you the end results after we have had time to process, share with close friends and family and such. Your continued prayers mean so much. Your thoughtful texts, cards, and messages have encouraged me each day. We have been blessed with an amazing small group and family that have supported us with meals nearly every night for about 2 weeks. This has been a gigantic blessing as I still continue to gain strength and motivation.

Can you believe we are here? It all seems surreal still. I know that God doesn’t work on percentages or grades, chance or luck. It’s a comfort to know that our hope lies in Him and He is always watching out for us and for our future children. Keep waiting with us and praying …. You all are the best!

The morning of, enjoying a 7 am date with my husband : )

Meeting our 2 babies for the first time!

We love them. (I think they have my eyes.)

There they are! (Upper left hand side, the tiny white spot about the cursor.)

Lots of sleeping. Good thing I have a snuggley puppy. : )