Joy. Sorrow. Grief. Pain. Loss. The emotions of our week.
On the morning of Sunday the 23rd, Josh and I had the joy of finding out that we were indeed pregnant and expecting. We were in complete shock, couldn’t stop smiling and praising God for our miracle baby/babies. It was so surreal, a joy unlike anything we had felt before. I “felt” pregnant. I was sure everyone I saw could tell. We took the first side profile shots, bought onsies, schemed all day about how we were going to tell our family and close friends. I know our babies thought my jokes were funnier than Dad’s as we talked to them and fell in love.
Christmas Eve we were able to confirm the pregnancy with strong lab results and congratulations from our doctor. We were able to shock Josh’s parents with the news. We celebrated and cried. We had little visitors at the family Christmas Eve celebration that no one knew about yet. What a Christmas present.
Christmas morning we were able to surprise my parents and sister with the news. What a blessing and precious memory that is. To say people were “excited” is an understatement. I felt on top of the world. We wondered if it was one or two (I think two), boys or girls, what sports they would play. The due date of September 2, 2013 is burned into my brain. Your baby is the size of an orange seed, the apps told me. We read what was not allowed during pregnancy. Josh made sure I knew what kinds of cheeses I could and couldn’t eat. We celebrated this Christmas miracle.
Midday I began to cramp. I had read that cramping was okay as long as it wasn’t accompanied by bleeding. It felt strange, cramping, since I hadn’t experienced those kinds of cramps in a while. However when I went to the bathroom, the fear kicked in as I realized I was also bleeding. Not old brown blood, which they tell you is normal, but bright red blood, which they tell you isn’t good.
I went upstairs to lie down. We prayed. We were scared but felt that God had this all under control. My family graciously left, allowing Josh and I to be together. Attempting to relax while continuing to bleed and cramp made for the longest Christmas day ever. We paged our doctor who told us this could be normal and not to worry, to come back to the clinic in the morning for blood work.
I gradually stopped bleeding over night and we felt a sense of relief. Just one of those “weird pregnancy things” we would have to get used to! “This will be a long 9 months” Josh kept saying. He became so protective of me the instant we found out I was pregnant. I went to the clinic for my blood test, waiting for our numbers to come back strong and positive. Our little babies were just being trouble makers already.
Then the call came. “I am so sorry Chelsea, to tell you, that your numbers lowered, indicative of a pregnancy that is not viable. You are experiencing a miscarriage. Please come back on Friday for blood work to ensure that your body is naturally handling the discard.”
Our world stopped.
We held it together till 4:30, when Josh and I were back together. And then we lost it. What would our baby have looked like? What would their names have been? Whose eyes would they have had? Why is this happening to us? Wouldn’t a negative result just been that much easier? Why the hope and then the devastation? I feel like my heart has physically been ripped out. I feel empty inside. I can’t look in the mirror, I just see someone who won’t see her baby bump grow. Who feels beaten down. We are filled with a sorrow we can’t explain. I can’t open the bathroom drawer, for that’s where we stashed all the positive pregnancy tests, ones we took just to see the two lines appear again and again. I can’t touch my phone, for that’s where all the pictures of our baby story is, our videos of us telling our parents, pictures of me with “I love my Mommy” newborn clothes, pictures of Josh with his “Daddy & Me” onsie is, pictures of Cali angrily stuffed into an “I’m Gonna Be a Big Sister!” shirt.
Why will I never be able to hold my babies in my arms? Why will I never hear their cries? Why will September 2nd come and go without new life?
I don’t know. I am heartbroken. I am so sad. I am not angry. I knew this could happen, statistics say 1 in 4 pregnancies result in a miscarriage. I just didn’t think this would happen to us. After all we have been through, couldn’t we have just been able to experience this miraculous joy?
I share this with you and beg for your prayers. Please allow us to grieve privately right now. Many people are awaiting news and are still hoping for the best and praying for a test this weekend. The encouraging, excitement texts are too painful to receive. We can’t quite say these words out loud yet. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want visitors. I will be lucky if I can pull myself out of bed today. We just need prayers. We don’t know why God has allowed this to happen, but we know that our babies are with Him. We know that “before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.” (Jeremiah 1:5) He loved them just as much, if not more, than we did.
I don’t understand, but I will continue to put my trust in His promises. I know He will help us through this period of sorrow. It doesn’t make sense but His constant love for us will always be true. God has proven to continue to work in our hearts and more than ever before, do we need to lean on Him each minute. Each day we will pick up more pieces. The thought of the future and trying this again is overwhelming right now. I don’t know what lies ahead for us. But today, we grieve. Please say a special prayer for us.
A Mommy and Daddy that were