angel babies.

Joy. Sorrow. Grief. Pain. Loss. The emotions of our week.

On the morning of Sunday the 23rd, Josh and I had the joy of finding out that we were indeed pregnant and expecting. We were in complete shock, couldn’t stop smiling and praising God for our miracle baby/babies. It was so surreal, a joy unlike anything we had felt before. I “felt” pregnant. I was sure everyone I saw could tell. We took the first side profile shots, bought onsies, schemed all day about how we were going to tell our family and close friends. I know our babies thought my jokes were funnier than Dad’s as we talked to them and fell in love.

Christmas Eve we were able to confirm the pregnancy with strong lab results and congratulations from our doctor. We were able to shock Josh’s parents with the news. We celebrated and cried. We had little visitors at the family Christmas Eve celebration that no one knew about yet. What a Christmas present.

Christmas morning we were able to surprise my parents and sister with the news. What a blessing and precious memory that is. To say people were “excited” is an understatement. I felt on top of the world. We wondered if it was one or two (I think two), boys or girls, what sports they would play. The due date of September 2, 2013 is burned into my brain. Your baby is the size of an orange seed, the apps told me. We read what was not allowed during pregnancy. Josh made sure I knew what kinds of cheeses I could and couldn’t eat. We celebrated this Christmas miracle.

Midday I began to cramp. I had read that cramping was okay as long as it wasn’t accompanied by bleeding. It felt strange, cramping, since I hadn’t experienced those kinds of cramps in a while. However when I went to the bathroom, the fear kicked in as I realized I was also bleeding. Not old brown blood, which they tell you is normal, but bright red blood, which they tell you isn’t good.

I went upstairs to lie down. We prayed. We were scared but felt that God had this all under control. My family graciously left, allowing Josh and I to be together. Attempting to relax while continuing to bleed and cramp made for the longest Christmas day ever. We paged our doctor who told us this could be normal and not to worry, to come back to the clinic in the morning for blood work.

I gradually stopped bleeding over night and we felt a sense of relief. Just one of those “weird pregnancy things” we would have to get used to! “This will be a long 9 months” Josh kept saying. He became so protective of me the instant we found out I was pregnant. I went to the clinic for my blood test, waiting for our numbers to come back strong and positive. Our little babies were just being trouble makers already.

Then the call came. “I am so sorry Chelsea, to tell you, that your numbers lowered, indicative of a pregnancy that is not viable. You are experiencing a miscarriage. Please come back on Friday for blood work to ensure that your body is naturally handling the discard.”

Our world stopped.

We held it together till 4:30, when Josh and I were back together. And then we lost it. What would our baby have looked like? What would their names have been? Whose eyes would they have had? Why is this happening to us? Wouldn’t a negative result just been that much easier? Why the hope and then the devastation? I feel like my heart has physically been ripped out. I feel empty inside. I can’t look in the mirror, I just see someone who won’t see her baby bump grow. Who feels beaten down. We are filled with a sorrow we can’t explain. I can’t open the bathroom drawer, for that’s where we stashed all the positive pregnancy tests, ones we took just to see the two lines appear again and again. I can’t touch my phone, for that’s where all the pictures of our baby story is, our videos of us telling our parents, pictures of me with “I love my Mommy” newborn clothes, pictures of Josh with his “Daddy & Me” onsie is, pictures of Cali angrily stuffed into an “I’m Gonna Be a Big Sister!” shirt.

Why?

Why will I never be able to hold my babies in my arms? Why will I never hear their cries? Why will September 2nd come and go without new life?

I don’t know. I am heartbroken. I am so sad. I am not angry. I knew this could happen, statistics say 1 in 4 pregnancies result in a miscarriage. I just didn’t think this would happen to us. After all we have been through, couldn’t we have just been able to experience this miraculous joy?

I share this with you and beg for your prayers. Please allow us to grieve privately right now. Many people are awaiting news and are still hoping for the best and praying for a test this weekend. The encouraging, excitement texts are too painful to receive. We can’t quite say these words out loud yet. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want visitors. I will be lucky if I can pull myself out of bed today. We just need prayers. We don’t know why God has allowed this to happen, but we know that our babies are with Him. We know that “before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.” (Jeremiah 1:5) He loved them just as much, if not more, than we did.

I don’t understand, but I will continue to put my trust in His promises. I know He will help us through this period of sorrow. It doesn’t make sense but His constant love for us will always be true. God has proven to continue to work in our hearts and more than ever before, do we need to lean on Him each minute. Each day we will pick up more pieces. The thought of the future and trying this again is overwhelming right now. I don’t know what lies ahead for us. But today, we grieve. Please say a special prayer for us.

Love,

A Mommy and Daddy that were

baby

 

21 thoughts on “angel babies.

  1. roadtofertility says:

    You are in my prayers! My husband and I went through something similar during my first round of IVF in September. It was terrible. We received the call that we were pregnant and were completely over the moon about it. I told my co-workers, we celebrated, they purchased some things for me. When I went for my second blood test they wouldn’t tell me what my numbers were which concerned me, but they said that it was because they didn’t have access to them at the moment (true or not? who knows). The third beta I received a phone call at my job. I asked if this was good news or bad news..they told me it was bad news and they said I experienced a chemical pregnancy and an early miscarriage. Heartbroken was not even the word for it. I left work early and just cried with my husband. We mourned and were so confused. Why us? The pain you feel is just incomparable to anything else. IF is such a difficult journey. It can be so lonely. After we mourned, we talked about what we would do next and took it from there. It was a painful difficult process and it’s still painful at times as you wait and wait and wait…and hope and hope and hope..while dealing with fear and anxiety. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I’m so sorry for your loss and for your pain.

    • chels819 says:

      Ughhhh, its the absolute worst. I am SO sorry that you have had to experience something similar. This pain, grief and hardship is something I would never ever ever wish on anyone. It’s true, you can’t compare it to anything else. This is such a tough journey and I am so grateful for all the support we have received through all this. The prayers and hopeful, positive stories keep us going. We know that we will see our babies again someday and it will be for eternity when that day comes. Maybe our babes are hanging out together right now. :) Continuing to pray for you and sincerely thank you for your support, thoughts, prayers and encouragement. XOXO

  2. Katie says:

    I am so so sorry and wish there was something to say to make it better but I know there isn’t. My husband and I went through the same thing in August and it was the hardest thing I’ve experienced. I’m praying right now that you continue to cling to God and hold tight to his promises that he has a plan for you. Praying that you continue to grieve together and have those around you that can grieve with you. I am so sorry.

    • chels819 says:

      I am so sorry that you had to experience this same thing! The pain is tough and the grief feels suffocating. BUT we hold on tight to the Great Comforter and we know that we will survive, get through this and come out stronger on the other size. Thank you for this kind message and for the prayers. I am so thankful for my amazing husband and all those surrounding us in prayer. Hugs.

    • chels819 says:

      I will take your electronic hug and squeeze you right back. :) Thank you for reading and sending this kind message. We are so thankful for the support of everyone around us.

  3. desiraeyoung says:

    Yall are in my prayers and thoughts! I have thought about you all week even before this news and prayed that you would have a sticky bean. Prayers for yall as you get through this and come out bigger and stronger next round. <3

  4. Terry says:

    Like you, I was due on Sept 2nd….husband and I found out on Christmas morning…told family and even bought the baby a little football Jersey and celebrated in God’s miracle. We were so excited. I felt pregnant and so blessed- a few days later the light bleeding started and then it stopped…I thought I was in the clear. Went to the lab for blood draws and HCG was at 32, was told I was miscarrying. Devastated. Went to the lab this morning again to make sure it is being expelled by my body…the heavy bleeding, pain (mental and physical) is devastating and a reminder. I understand how you feel…You aren’t alone. Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way- we all will get through this…

    • chels819 says:

      Ah Terry, I am so sorry to hear this. It breaks my heart knowing the sadness you are feeling and I pray for peace and comfort for you. Take the time to grieve and mourn the loss. Your precious baby was so loved immediately and that pain is heavy. Know you aren’t alone either and if there is anything I can do, reach out. Sending hugs on this tough day. :(

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