gotta have patience. gotta wait.

“Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.”

This sentence has become a popular one in my niece Scarlett’s vocabulary. When I asked her about the gifts around the Christmas tree, she simply said “Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” When I asked her about some friends coming over later that day and if she was excited, the answer was simple, “Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” Even a simple question like “are you ready for dinner?” has been answered with a “Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” Not only is her little voice saying that one of the cutest things, “godda be pashent, godda wait.”, but the message is simple – she knows she has something to look forward to but the time isn’t now. She doesn’t doubt that the time is coming when she will have the gifts revealed, the friends at the door, the dinner on the table – but the time isn’t now.

When I think about waiting till April to start another IVF cycle, her little voice echo’s loudly in my head…”Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.” But with it comes the simple realization that it will be happening and it is in the future. Now is the time of demonstrating adult patience. I swear it should get easier the older we get, but it doesn’t. In fact, kids seem to be much better at distracting themselves while they wait. As an adult, all I can think about it wanting to fast forward to April, to feel the poke of the needle in my stomach again (who’d have ever thought that!), to make the 55 mile round trip drive to and from the clinic each day, to have the excitement about the potential to be even more real. Instead, I have to practice my ability to be patient.


I hate waiting.

I feel like all I have done is wait.

And I am surrounded by others who are waiting too – waiting for a job, waiting for direction in a relationship, waiting for a baby, waiting for a spouse, waiting for test results, waiting for treatments to be over, waiting for an answer to a massive prayer. It seems nearly everywhere I turn right now, I am with someone waiting. Half of the time we stare at each other saying “It’s gonna be ok! We can wait. It’s for a reason. Let’s look at what we are being taught in these moments, what we can take away from this.” And then to the other half of the time it’s a “WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!?!?!?!”

We have all heard the lovely patience quotes before … “Patience is the greatest of all virtues.” and “He that can have patience can have what he will.” Words regarding patience show up at least 50 times throughout the Bible. In fact, a popular song in my house growing up was this one – “Have patience, have patience, don’t be in such a hurry. When you get impatient, you only start to worry…” We are inundated with the reminders that patience is important. And yet, truthfully, most of us suck at it.

Webster’s defines patience as the “ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with a delay.” Restlessness is a good word. As is annoyance. It later uses the words ”steady perseverance”. I WANT to be more patient. I WANT to say I am fully embracing every second of waiting, but truthfully some days are harder than others. I KNOW I am right where I am supposed to be. I work to try to find the moments in each day that make it meaningful and matter. But I am still learning the art of patience. I read the other day “Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.”

Hebrews 12 talks about running “with endurance the race that is set before us.” It’s empowering to know that this path before me is set. I am not making the way, God has cleared this path for us and now I need to roll up my sleeves of perseverance and endurance, equipped myself with patience, and charge ahead.

“Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.”

52 days till shots start again. 7 days till I start my first pill to prepare me for the cycle. 48 days till my last day of work. 20 days till my spring break vacation. 33 days till our balance is due for the cycle. Days whirl by. I can do this.

Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I (God) indeed you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment at a time. Your main responsibility is to remain attentive to Me, letting Me guide you through the many choices along your pathway.” (Jesus Calling)

So, wherever you are today, whatever you are waiting on, whatever needs a little extra dose of patience sprinkled on it- do it. Let’s do it together. Time to strengthen our patience muscles, continue to suppress our annoyance at waiting and embrace what today offers. That means smiling through the hard time of waiting and wonderment. God is in today.

“Gotta be patient. Gotta wait.”

On a side note, Josh and I had a fun photo shoot with a friend last November and I wanted to share a few of my favorite pictures of our family. Enjoy!

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Sometimes its difficult for me to blog when I have SO much going on in my head and want to talk about! I will do my best to be articulate and provide an overview. I apologize for being so delayed on an entry – I promise I won’t let 2.5 weeks lapse again!

Work. I have been amazed at all the support people have given to me/us after announcing the difficult decision to step down from my position. I can’t stress enough how called I feel to make this decision. I don’t fear what happens TO me or what life will look like post-job, because I know God is working IN me. He is preparing me for that unknown. I know that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Rom 8:28). And so this is a giant leap of faith in trusting in His plans. I have about 9 weeks left and I think having an end in sight is probably one of the hardest things! The end of working with this job at this company is very sad for me. But the end of my job also means our next IVF cycle is HERE and that is so exciting. (So sO So sO So exciting! I’m excited, can you tell?) The mixture of emotions, counting down but not, it confusing! So I am trying to take each day for what it is and praying that God reminds me to be in THIS moment today and not fast forwarding through life. I have been trying to be more intentional about seeking what He wants of me in this present moment. (Easier said than done, especially when I have an app reminding me each day of how many days are left till XXX … I enable myself! Eck!)

IVF. There isn’t too much to update here. I have an appointment at the end of the month to do some blood work and tests, and get a prescription for a medication I have to start the first of March. From there it’s really just that med (Provera) and birth control until the cycle starts. (Weird, I know right!). Josh and I will meet with the doctor at the end of March and obtain our new prescription orders, do some more blood panels, sign all the papers and make the final payment. It is only weeks away already which is exciting! (Ok, if you must know, my first shot starts 64 days from today!)

Life. I have been soaking up everything God has for me through sermons, readings, insight… wherever I can get it! I have so many great lessons learned that I am trying to apply each day. Each of these could be a blog in and of itself, but I thought I would just throw down a shmorgishborg of my most recent brain activity. Perhaps one of these thoughts will hit home with something you need to know/be reminded of/can apply:

  • We need to remember 4 simple truths: 1) My God is FOR me. 2) My God is WITH me. 3) My God FORGIVES me. 4) My God can do ANYTHING. When we base on life on that, we flourish. It as simple as that – remembering God is for us, not against us. He is always with us, even when it feels like He has gone quiet. He forgives us, immediately, when we repent, and He can do ANYTHING. That doesn’t always means He WILL and even if He doesn’t but our hope needs to live in the fact that He can. (Daniel 3:16-18)
  • Living under grace is that life-changing constant awareness of what we’ve been given in light of what we deserve. Being reminded daily of the Grace we have been blessed with takes the focus off of “Me! Me! Me! My wants! My needs!” and makes us life a life glorifying Him, because we don’t deserve any of this.
  • The decisions we make today determine the story we tell tomorrow. Direction, not intention, determines our destination. Sometimes the best decision you can make is to go when it would be easier to stay. (Genesis 12:1 – The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.”) It doesn’t make sense for me to GO right now, nor did it make sense for Abram to leave everything He knew to follow where God called Him. And without that step of faith, nothing would be what we know it to be today. (Hebrews 11:8  “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.”). I wish I knew where I was going! I wish I knew what is ahead. I am confident in knowing that despite whatever outcomes are ahead, that this is still where God is leading.
  • (Jesus Calling excerpt) Try saying, “I trust You, Jesus” in response to whatever happens to you. This simple practice will help you to see Me in every situation, acknowledging My sovereign control over the universe. When you view events from this perspective …fear loses its grip on you. Adverse circumstances become growth opportunities when you affirm your trust in Me no matter what. You receive blessings gratefully, realizing they flow directly from My hand of grace. Your continual assertion of trusting Me will strengthen our relationship and keep you close to Me. The fear of the unknown is a lot less scary when I know that anything that comes my way is simply an opportunity to affirm my trust in Him.
  • (Jesus Calling excerpt) Do not fear what this day, or any day, may bring your way.  Concentrate on trusting Me and on doing what needs to be done.  Relax in My sovereignty, remembering that I go before you, as well as with you, into each day.  Fear no evil, for I can bring good out of every situation you will ever encounter. Love everything about this passage.

I could keep going, really I could. I am truly just so excited to see what is ahead of us. I know things will be different and difficult. I don’t anticipate being down an income as being something “easy” to adjust to. It will be different to no longer have “HR Director!” as part of my identity and admitting to not having a job when asked – that’s an area that will continue to humble me but one that also many open up some neat conversations. I know that there is a chance this IVF round doesn’t work – and then we will need to rely on Christ even more to carry us to whatever steps may be next. (But I am thinking positively that this is OUR cycle!!!)

TTC isn’t easy. It isn’t for the weak and it certainly has tested us in ways we never imagined. But there is such a blessing in trials and hardships, reminding our proud selves of our humanity and making it easier to let go when called.