confident trust.

I sat down earlier this afternoon and started to blog. My first paragraph was about my love for the spring weather that has hit us, the fact that my blog celebrated its ONE YEAR anniversary this last week, and how grateful I was to have minimal side effects thus far. My exact sentences were “My side effects have been strangely so minimal that I daily question if the medication is working. Would it not be the extreme exhaustion and the fact that my blood work is signifying its working, I would be concerned. In fact, I have not even had a really bad hot flash yet.”

It was after I typed that sentence that my dog, Cali, began barking at the noise across the street. Our neighbors were outside with their 5 kids and small dog, Sassy, that Cali loves playing with, was teasingly come up our lawn. Cali’s barking and racing into the library to beg me to let her outside was enough to pull me away from typing and let her race around outside. I followed her out to talk with our neighbor, we will call her D, and well, the following story took place:

(C and D outside, on street, watching the dogs run around and kids chasing them, talking about porches and decks, fence estimates and the weather, the dogs and voles … you know, neighborly stuff).

D: We saw Josh working outside yesterday, putting the stones around the tree rings … they look so nice!

C: Uh huh! He worked so hard on that! I think they turned out really nice. *hot flash begins to hit*

D: continuing to talk about landscape

C: (in my head), Oh my gosh, I am so hot. And dizzy. And hot. And dizzy. I need to sit down.

D: …and they didn’t even call back with the deck bid! He isn’t getting my business!

C: I need to sit down. I am going to pass out. Everything is fuzzy.

I then squatted down pretending to pet the dogs who wanted nothing to do with being pet. As I crouched on the ground, realizing how awkward this looked, I took a few deep breaths.

D: … and Sassy just loves this weather. She sleeps in the sun all day …

C: (interrupting), I am so sorry, I have to go. I feel like I am going to pass out. Reattempting to stand back up

D: Oh my gosh! Are you ok? Are you hyperglycemic? (random question to ask?)

It was then I realized I would not be able to stand up. Everything was going black and I just turned slightly and fell back into the grass, first trying to awkwardly sit an angle so it wasn’t so weird (let’s face it, it was so awkward), then realizing I had to get flat. I was covered in sweat, felt like I couldn’t breathe and was convinced if it didn’t improve quickly, D was going to call an ambulance.

(Meanwhile, the 5 children raced around me, still chasing the dogs and screaming. D stood about 2 feet from me as I lay on our grass, eyes closed, trying to breath, praying she would go away.)

D – to her son: J, Honey, can you run in the house and get Mommy a bottle of water?

C: I want to be inside. I need to explain this to her in case I do pass out and she does call 911.

C: I am so sorry, I am doing IVF and these hormones … (pause to avoid throwing up and passing out completely)

D: launches into the friend of a friend who went through this, had twins, admits that she is pregnant with their 6th and due in November and shares their TTC story.

Meantime, I am trying to raise my head slightly, wondering why it’s taking J five minutes to get a bottle of water (which he never got, but did manage to find himself a juice box, haha.)

The longer I lay in the grass, the worse it got. I was so embarrassed. D continued to talk, trying to pretend like this wasn’t so uncomfortable (it was) and Cali, realizing I was down, raced over to help me, which included trying to lay on my face (not helping the hot flash). I felt like I spent 10 minutes apologizing for this and when I realized standing up wouldn’t be possible, but getting into the house was necessary, I waved goodbye and then … crawled … to my front door, dogs following behind me and, mortified, laid in the front entry way till I was able to walk over to the couch, call Josh,and drink some water.

What an afternoon right??

So with that said, my side effects have included exhaustion and now a lovely hot flash, haha. I mean, I know it happens! I want to go over to my neighbor’s house and apologize for the incredibly awkward situation and for mainly ignoring her as she talked. I am just glad I wasn’t at a store or driving. Such are the side effects of the hormones. Sigh. : )

Anyways, I completely digress from a real update! Let’s see, last Thursday my blog did celebrate its ONE YEAR anniversary! Yeah! It’s crazy to think that I have had this blog for only a year and already a year. It’s been an exceptional experience for me – opening up our story to all of you and receiving as a result, so many prayers and loving encouragement. Means the world to us.

I told you all about our need for prayers for last Friday’s doctor appointment to get the final approval to start the next step in the cycle. I continued to gain some anxiety about that appointment the closer it got. My body was responding so differently to the Lupron injections this time around, I was just certain that things weren’t going the way they were supposed to. But low and behold, everything was working right and my ovaries were nice and quiet, ready to launch into rapid stimulation. I was cleared to begin, and did begin, our stimulation medications on Saturday. My blood work came back great that day and I was relieved to cross this first hurdle. I did feel a little off on Friday, like the start of this cycle was too good to be true. I felt apprehensive, like I was waiting for a shoe to drop, for bad news to come, for the phone to ring and them to tell me they made a mistake and misread the ultrasound or lab results. But the call never came.

Today I went in for more testing and when the nurse called, I prepared myself for news that the cycle was cancelled, the numbers were off, the medicine wasn’t working. But again, everything looked great. No change in the plan. “Come in on Wednesday for your first follicle count and more blood work.”

Deep breaths.

I read a paragraph from Jesus Calling the other night that had a sentence that stuck out to me – “…wait on me in confident trust.” I feel like it wouldn’t have been convicting if it had said “wait on me in trust.” I feel like for the most part, I am doing that! I am trusting God has this in His control, that He is one step ahead of us, yet completely in the present with us. Yet that word “confident” completely threw me into a conviction.

Confident: firmly trusting and believing, being sure of one’s successfulness, having strong certainty. being full assured.

Could I say that my trust in God was fully-assured? That day, no. I was waiting for everything to go wrong. I felt like I shouldn’t be celebrating, like something bad was to come. There was nothing “confident” about how I was feeling. Trusting, yes, not firmly or with a strong certainty. The devotion went on to say “There is both a passive and an active side to trusting Me (God).” I feel like some days I have one or the other – the passive side sits around writing/saying/telling others that I am trusting! The active side of me continues to administer shots and pray they work. But I am scared. I am trusting but still trying to hold a little bit back just in case. That’s not what I am called to do.

It’s scary to let go of complete control. To trust with confidence when you want something so bad. When you are scared. When you are worried. But isn’t that what having a relationship with God is all about? Knowing that He is carrying our burdens and worries, that He is in control?

Proverbs 19:21 says “You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.” How quickly I can forget that no matter what my plans are, God’s purpose will succeed. I am simply called to live and walk in a way that is in line with His character.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)

How many of us are trying to co-carry our burdens and worries? Here God, you can take the potatoes and milk, but I will still carry a few light bags. Maybe we are giving over most of our worries and concerns, but after walking, even with the lightest bags, our hands still start to hurt. The plastic bag pulls at our wrists, it becomes uncomfortable and we start to wish we could get rid of them. The great news is we can. And all it takes is having confident trust that He is fully capable of carrying all the bags. All of our worries and concerns, our fears and our issues.

I am a work in process. I have really good moments and ones where I try tugging back that trust. But I know that no matter WHAT happens, He will be there to catch and hold us, so I can’t waste my energies focusing on what could go wrong.

Amen? Amen.

So what’s next for us … well, I have appointments just about every day now. I continue to administer anywhere from 3 – 6 shots a day to myself. I am starting to feel very sluggish and bloated but know these days a minimal and will be worth it in the end. My moods have been relatively stable with the exception of a few shed tears here and there, mainly at an Ellen audience giveaways or touching America’s Funniest Videos of returning troops. I took an hour and a half nap today and it felt wonderful.

Many of you are asking when the egg retrieval will be – great question!! We actually won’t know when it is until about 48 hours beforehand. It all comes down to the size of the largest pack of follicles and when the doctor feels it’s time to “trigger” them to the final stages of maturation. Based on my body’s response last time, we are anticipated somewhere in the May 5 – 7 time frame. I will let everyone know as soon as I know.

In the meantime, keep praying that I can have confident trust in Him this whole cycle … and that I don’t have any more dramatic hot flashes on my lawn – or anywhere for that matter!! : )  Thank you for your continued caring messages and love. You are the best!

A verse I came across the other night...a great reminder of what Faith really is!

A verse I came across the other night…a great reminder of what Faith really is!

Being silly :)

Being silly :)

Got a double yolk yesterday in my eggs ... a sign of what is to come? Twins?! :)

Got a double yolk yesterday in my eggs … a sign of what is to come? Twins?! :)

Our clinic handed out yellow roses for National Infertility Awareness Week ... a lovely gesture!

Our clinic handed out yellow roses for National Infertility Awareness Week … a lovely gesture!