complaining.

May 31, 2013May 31, 201333 Comments

Ahhh, I feel like I am sitting down to write a controversial blog post today. I have been thinking and praying over this topic for a while because it’s not one where I want to offend anyone. And I don’t want to come across bitter, because I’m not. I started this blog with a vision of being able to speak for women struggling with infertility. And lately, after many conversations with others in my place, have realized that this is a topic that I would do my best to prayerfully, lovingly approach – the topic of pregnant women complaining.

Gulp.

Here is what I want to say before I go any further. I have several friends who are pregnant – both in real life and in the lovely social media world. Ones that have struggled to conceive and others where it came more easily. I am genuinely so happy for each and every one of them, as being in my place, I recognize the incredible blessing that pregnancy is. This post is not meant to make anyone feel bad, or create any anger. I am not looking for a “BUT I HAVE THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN! IT’S A FREE COUNTRY!!” response. Well, I mean you can, but I will politely ignore it. (And you.) The purpose of this is simply to explain how the complaining makes us (TTC’ers and those that lost a baby) feel. You – pregnant mama reading this getting angry already – can chose to respond kindly to our feelings and acknowledge them or not to and you are welcome at any time to close this blog entry if this is a sensitive topic for you.

With all of that said – here is the thing, more and more often recently have I come across friends complaining about their pregnancies and each and every time it stings. It hurts that something that I would do ANYTHING for is something that is so “miserable and unbearable” – for a max of 9 months. I want to celebrate your blessing with you! But when you start changing the balance of acknowledging that you are the recipient of a GOD GIVEN blessing and spend more time complaining about your back, your feet, the fact that you have to be on bed rest, how hot you are or how sick you feel, it makes me not want to celebrate your blessing. Because I wonder if you really understand the amazing gift that you have been given. And it hurts. Because I want nothing more than my back to hurt, my hips to ache, to feel a hot flash that isn’t a result of 5 shots that day but because I am growing a baby inside me.

Granted, I will empathize with you when you complain respectfully. Occasional complaining is ok! It’s how you feel and I am so thankful for my pregnant friends who follow it up with “…but I am thankful for every time I throw up, because that means my baby is healthy.” I adore the Instagram pictures of swollen cankles with the captions “Love my cankles … because it means I am pregnant!!” Thank you for acknowledging that regardless of the hellish symptoms, you have a baby. I love my friends who get put on hospital bedrest and cheer that they are keeping their babies in and healthy and would do anything for them. THANK YOU! Thank you to the pregnant women who remember women like me when they are getting up 10 times a night to pee. I would give my left arm to pee that much because of a baby pushing on my bladder. I laughed at a friend the other day who complained after eating that she felt so full. I felt full looking at her! But she did it with a laugh and has been nothing but graceful and caring and constantly acknowledging of her blessing this entire pregnancy. To the women like you, I will chuckle and get you a glass of water (and tums) because I DO care that you are having a hard day.

Here’s the thing – if I knew that you were living in your parents basement and wanted a house of your own so badly, how would it make you feel if I wrote a Facebook status that said “Ohmygosh, I am SOOO tired of dusting my 3,000 square foot house! What a pain this is! Oh the miseries of owning a home.” Or if you were struggling with money, barely making the bills and had everyone praying for you to find a job, and I posted something on Instagram that said “Ohhh, my arms are SO tired from holding my purse with all this money!! Woe is me!” It just doesn’t make sense right? It’s not something that we think to do! Unfortunately I feel like it has become too socially acceptable to complain about certain blessings that God has given us – at the expense of others who haven’t been given that same blessing.

I am open with our journey and others know the pain we have faced and are facing. But you know what, I am 1 in 8. 1 in 8 women who are in a situation where they are struggling to conceive. I talk to women EVERYDAY who are struggling and do not share with anyone except a few family and friends. That means that you DO have people struggling that you don’t know about. I am speaking for them. If you have 300 Facebook friends, that means that with every “Good lord, I hate being on bedrest, I am missing out on SUMMER!” post you write, you are hurting about 37 people’s feelings. Not just hurting their feelings … putting a dagger into their heart as they recall the pain of sitting on the toilet bleeding as they lose their baby; or crying on the side of the bed as the pregnancy test shows the painful one-lined result; or passing a due date or getting that first scary doctor call telling them their husband has an extremely low sperm count. It hurts. It makes me struggling with confusion so badly with how people could be so blessed and not acknowledge it.

Moms, I know how hard the morning sickness is. I empathize with how hot you feel and how bored you are laying on the couch for a few weeks. Don’t forget I have experienced so many of these side effects as a result of going through several years of medications and 2 hard IVF cycles. It’s NOT easy! But if I could find reasons to praise God for even blessing me with the CHANCE to have a baby as I cling the toilet bowl in the morning, I beg you to find the silver lining blessings in your situations.

And to those women who sat in my shoes and struggled with TTC and now are the ones complaining – shame on you. You know how this feels. You cried the same tears 7 months ago when others complained about being pregnant, reminding them how badly you wanted to be in their place. Don’t forget that emotion. Don’t forget that you prayed for this baby and wanted it. Savor every single trip to the bathroom, every single hot flash and every ache and pain – knowing that you are going through 280 days of misery in order to be blessed with a child for the rest of your life.

Now, to those who are still shaking their head muttering about their right to complain – go ahead and complain. I can (and will) block you from my newsfeed and unfollow you on IG. I will return your calls less and less if that’s what you are going to choose to talk about. Just as you as the right to complain, I too have the right to stop being a part of your life. And I would hate that. I would hate that friendships would suffer at the cost of you simply acknowledging and being thankful for your blessing. Know your audience, I beg you.

There – I said it. And please, friends that are pregnant, so many of you have complained gracefully and it doesn’t bother me. But to those who feel the need to moan all the time. Stop it. Please. My and my TTC friends are begging you. And please understand, I am not bitter. I truly am so happy for you and your blessing. I just ache sometimes as a result of flippancy. We get it. We know you are pregnant.

Now – on to happier things! Josh and I are doing really well. I feel really grateful that we have been surrounded with so much support and love as we dealt with the reality of our BFN (big fat negative.) We are excited to be moving forward with our FET (frozen embryo transfer). We meet with our nurse consultant next Wednesday to get our final prescriptions, sign and sign and sign some papers, and finalize the cycle. I have so much to more to share about a great conversation with our doctor and answer many of the questions that you guys have been asking me about “why is this happening?” and “what are your chances now?”. I will save that for another post in the next couple days – as well as fill you in on my first fertility acupuncture appointment. (Funny story, I promise.)

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend! Thanks for being the rockstar supporters that you are. :)

angel baby siblings.

May 20, 201316 Comments

My prayer this whole cycle was that no matter what, God would be glorified. I was telling a friend the other day, it can happen in one of two ways. One, He would work a miracle in this cycle and we would have success and become pregnant. Two, the cycle would not work and we would have the opportunity to stay strong and praise Him in the storm.

It looks like we will be praising Him in the storm.

I woke up in the middle of the night on Thursday singing a song by Gungor. I found it strange that I hadn’t listened to the song recently and yet I couldn’t stop singing it as I lay awake. I couldn’t even remember all the right words in the right order so my head just sang on repeat “Please be my strength, Please be my strength, I don’t have any more, I don’t have any more. I pray your glory shines in this doubting heart of mine and all would know that You, You are my strength.”

And I couldn’t help but think “uh oh.” I was 5 days past a 5 day transfer (5dp5dt). Implantation, should it have happened, should have finished the majority of it the day before. I was now officially in the I-can’t-do-anything-now waiting game. So why was my heart pre-pleading for strength? I kept singing it until I fell back asleep, and then woke to the slighted bit of brown blood. A tiny amount. One that is enough to make you instantly a little frightened, then remember that brown blood is good, red blood is bad. I laid back down and prayed. My heart kept repeating “please be my strength.” And even though this symptom could have been a really good sign, I believe my heart was letting me know I was going to need strength.

The bleeding increased on Friday, turning to red around 3:00. I called my doctor who tried to reassure me that this could be normal. That some women bleed throughout their pregnancy and 6dp5dt was too early to have a period. It could be irritations from some of the medications I was on, it could have been a late implantation, it could have been some sort of small hemorrhage or a variety of other things. But as my head played on “Please be my strength, I don’t have anymore…”, I think a small part of me knew. I was put back on semi-strict bedrest and she said the bleeding should not get any heavier and would soon go away. Josh and I prayed, we plead. My head couldn’t come up with many words so I laid there in His sweet silence.

Saturday morning I woke up to my first clot and then the bleeding began to increase, nearly as bad as my miscarriage. And we just knew. We tried to pretend like “this could be a good thing”. We went about our day, me on the couch and Josh helping out around the house. My head could not come up with the right words to pray. I listened to Kari Jobe’s “Find You On My Knees” on repeat – my heart praying “Weary just won’t let me rest and fear is filling up my head. I’m longing, God, I’m longing for You. But I will find You in the place I’m in. Find You when I’m at my end. Find You when there’s nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness. You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty. When I am weak, when I am lost and searching, I find You on my knees. So what if sorrow shakes my faith, what if heartache still remains. I’ll trust You, My God, I’ll trust You ‘cause You are faithful.”

We broke down and tested, proving the reality we already knew. Not pregnant. A deafening stark white space where a pink line should have been. We had a difficult night. We cried. We let a few people know who texted such encouragingly kind messages and had been praying so hard for a miracle. We grieved. My head couldn’t stop thinking about another due date I would have to live through without my babies. September 2^nd and now January 27^th. It aches. I pulled our embryo pictures off the fridge. I kept looking at Josh as we sat in our dark room thinking “You should be a daddy. This isn’t fair. You will be such a good Daddy.” I could barely open my mouth to speak and when I did, I think I just could get out “This sucks. I don’t know why.”

It’s amazing how much we felt comforted so immediately. There was an overwhelming sadness of course, but also a strength that only could come from Him. It was a welcome change from the long-term sorrow we felt after last cycle. God IS still good. Your prayers weren’t in vain. We immediately began looking at all of our blessings – just in life in general and from this cycle. We got 2 beautiful frozen embryos from this cycle. I didn’t end up in the ER this cycle. I managed to bounce back from my fluid-filled ovaries quicker than last time.I got to experience my first Mother’s Day as a mom. I didn’t have to wait longer and sit in hope – a typically period shouldn’t start till at least 10 or 11 days past the transfer – I was 4-5 days early! We were spared a positive pregnancy test that could have resulted in a miscarriage. We felt like we had received the biggest gift of GRACE by starting my period as early as it did.

So now we pack away the baby items taken out. We breathe deep. We sit in His presence and we sing the words of a Matt Redman song (Never Once): “Scars and struggles on the way but with joy our hearts can say, Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did You leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, You are faithful.”

I had bloodwork done this morning and while driving, played my lovely game of song-on-the-radio roulette. You know, that one where whatever is playing was MEANT for you. (I am a big fan of this game as you know from other blog entries).

Fergie: Cuz bigggg girls don’t cry…. (Lies Fergie, I am a big girl and I cry. Stupid song.)

Mumford and Sons: And I will wait, I will wait for you. And I will wait, I will wait for you… (I WILL wait for you little babies. Mama’s gonna wait as long as it takes …)

Kristian Stanfill: Promise maker, Promise Keeper, You finish what You begin … You see it through ’til the end. The Lord our God is ever faithful, never changing through the ages. From this darkness You will lead us and forever we will say You’re the Lord our God. In the silence, in the waiting, still we can know You are good. All Your plans are for Your glory. (Ok, maybe a few tears with this song. He will finish what He began and will see our through this.)

Pearl Jam

(Authors note – there were A LOT Of commercials on the radio so clearly I was just flipping around. Hence the fun of roulette).

Pearl Jam: Oh where, oh where, can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me. She’s gone to heaven, so I’ve got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world. (This one caught me off guard. It was a favorite when I was younger (the 1960’s version) and suddenly, without realizing it, I was singing it to my little baby. Was one of them a girl? She is in heaven and I get to see her again when I leave this world. Ok, more tears.)

John Waller: I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You, Lord. And I am hopeful, I’m waiting on You, Lord. Though it is painful, but patiently, I will wait. (More waiting. Seems to be the story of our life. But I will do so, with patience in the pain.)

I felt like Radio Roulette was a therapeutic success today. I was able to speak to my doctor this afternoon to discuss our next steps – transferring 2 of those frostie little babies into my warm and clearly undesirable womb. (Perhaps it needs a little Property Brothers renovation. Huh? No? Dang, I have clearly been watching too much HGTV while on bedrest). The conversation was so helpful in understanding some “why’s” and I feel relieved to know we have great potential for this Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). I actually will be starting medication tonight to get this next cycle underway and will blog more details about it in the future. The next transfer date will be July 18th. 58 days away.

My prayers are this – that our strength will continue to come from Him. That our family members that loved these grandchildren, nieces/nephews, cousins and playmates would have peace and healing from this disappointment as well. That non-believers reading this blog would not doubt God’s goodness. That our next steps would be blessed.

My husband is amazing. He is my rock and my physical here-on-earth support that I would be lost without. Never once has he altered in his faith and positivity. I literally could not go through this without him. I love you honey.

In the words of NeedtoBreathe – I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful. And so we will wait a little longer. Until God changes our hearts desires, we will press on. We have 3 little snow babies left. God, please let one of them be our hold-in-our-arms baby.

THANK YOU to so many friends and family who brought over meals this last week. Each one was SO delicious and was a HUGE blessing. I think food is my love language. :)

What a fun package to receive today from an Instagram friend! Thanks Allison! I love it all!!

bedrest.

May 13, 2013May 13, 20135 Comments

My butt is getting sore. Now, I’m not complaining. This is about the easiest part of the journey, but I am ready to get back on my feet and be able to get my own glass of water, sit up straight while I type (you should see me right now, haha), let out my dog … bed rest is one of the last hurdles though – I can do this!! It’s a really nice thing while you are tired but when you are no longer sleepy and have been on your butt for 50+ hours unable to do anything but lay flat, well, it gets a little old.

I am so thankful to Josh for being the most amazing helper to me during this time. I mean it, this man never gets cranky and every request is met with an eager enthusiasm to help me out. He sets his alarm 30 minutes early to get me set up on the couch downstairs, carefully arranging my 15 pillows, filling my water glass, making my toast, hooking up my charger, tucking my blanket around my toes … I feel so blessed to have him walking beside me. His favorite thing to do is to check my body angles to make sure I am not “scrunching” (laying at any angle that would cause a bend to my abdomen). He does random scrunching checks and I am proud to say, I almost always pass.

My note reminder Josh left me this morning.

So … Mother’s Day. What a special day! Josh, Cali, and the babies spoiled me with some beautiful flowers, a plaque and 2 cards that were so special. We got to visit with both of our sets of parents as well. We are so blessed by such great family!!!

I got a GREAT Mother’s Day call from our embryologist – our other embryo progressed to the final stage and was able to be frozen! Praise God!!!!!And then she went on to say that to her surprise, one of the embryos that they had ruled out as viable due to the fact that it stopped progressing a few days ago, suddenly had a shocking turn around and flew through several development and turned into a blastocyst over night! She said she was shocked but it looks perfect and they froze that one as well! WHAT!?!? God is SO good! We didn’t even know this was an option as the doctor told us there were only 3 embryos that were viable and we transferred 2 of them. I love when God smiles and surprises us like this. I know this has to do with all the prayers that were prayed for us. THANK YOU!!!

So now we have 3 frozen embryos which brings me such a peace of mind knowing that we have 2 more transfers that could take place before our IVF journey ends. One transfer with 2 embryos and 1 transfer with 1 embryo, assuming all survive the thaw. I just have such a peace that our baby is coming.

I am feeling really good! Last week was difficult as the swelling increased so much. I gained and lost 16 pounds from Monday to Saturday in fluids alone. It wasn’t considered hyper stimulation as I didn’t have any of the other side effects of it, just extra discomfort!!! The swelling and weight has gone back down but I still feel swollen and bloated and that is to be expected. My strict bedrest ends tomorrow and now I am supposed to do more “couch rest”. Take it easy, don’t do anything that would make a pony tail jiggle, minimize time on my feet and sitting at a 90 degree angle as it puts pressure on the uterus. But I will be to move around a little more which will be nice. I have friends who have willingly offered to bring meals to us this week which is such a blessing as standing and cooking is tough.

Now all we can do is pray!! I am praying specifically for peace of mind. As I add more medication to my daily list, they are medications that mimic both PMS and pregnancy and it can cause one’s mind to constantly race, wondering “Am I pregnant? This must be a sign I am pregnant.” and then two minutes later “There is no way I am pregnant, these cramps are too bad.” It’s enough to make me go insane so I am constantly in prayer that God will protect my mind and heart and keep me stress-free. We will know and share by Memorial Day if we are expecting so please continue your prayers during this time! I am feeling at peace and hopeful for what is to come. My heart is so overwhelmed with God’s goodness and faithfulness to us throughout every step in this journey. He never leaves our side. He gives us the strength to perservere and He provides an unexplainable peace about the future. I feel so blessed.

Cali is still taking good care of her mama.

i’m a mom.

May 12, 201317 Comments

Today was the day! THE DAY. As I sit and type this, I have 2 tiny little babies floating around my uterus, where I hope they soon attach. It’s crazy to think about all that has gone into THIS moment. It’s exciting and makes every poke, prod and side effect worth it.

As you know, I shared the news on Monday that we had 14 eggs retrieved. We got a call on Wednesday that out of those 14 eggs, 9 had fertilized and were progressing nicely. Praise God! Friday we heard that 8 were still progressing, with 4 particularly strongly than the others. We are so grateful for everyone that joined us in prayer for these embryos.

Our transfer was this morning. Josh and I have a tradition of going out to a new breakfast joint before the transfer process. Being that check-in was at 11:00 this time instead of 8:30 last time definitely made breakfast one that we were more alert for, haha. I even got to enjoy one of my favorite breakfast items – salmon – for what hopefully is the last time for the next 9 months. Afterwards, we headed to the clinic!

Getting into the car and getting ready to head to breakfast!!!

Our yummy breakfasts!

After going through some paperwork, we met with the doctor on-call who let us know that 3 of our embryos had survived the night. There are several different stages of embryos – the final two stages being a morula stage and the last stage being a blastocyst. Many of you have heard me use those terms before. (Our last cycle we transferred 1 morula and 1 blastocyst). He let us know that all 3 embryos left were morulas nearing the stage of blastocyst and on a scale of grades 1-4 (1 being the best), all were 2’s. The embryology lab selected the best 2 to transfer. The lab will give the last remaining embryo until tomorrow to transition so that we can freeze it. (Our clinic will only freeze blastocyst stage embryos). We hope and pray that our last little one progresses through the night so that we can freeze it. It would bring a lot of peace of mind to add that to our other frostie baby and have the potential to do one last transfer of 2 embryos if/when need be. We will get a call tomorrow about that – please be praying!

Lucky socks ... on! Thanks Kristen for sending these to me - a huge hit with the nurses!

Got our sexy outfits and hair nets on!

Lucky socks … on! Thanks Kristen for sending these to me – a huge hit with the nurses!

Meeting our babies for the first time … brings tears to my eyes every time I look at them!

The transfer itself was very smooth. After I dope up on strong Valium, I was relaxed for the procedure. Josh is allowed in the room with me and it’s a very special experience to watch the screen and literally see our babies being transported into their new home. I spent some time in the procedure room immediately following the transfer and then was moved to the recovery room to continue resting flat. An hour and a half later, we drove home where I will now be on strict bed rest of the next few days, followed by RELAXING and couch rest the days after. We know if the embryo/embryos will implant, it will be in the next 48-72 hours of so. Please join us in prayer as we hope and pray with all our might and hearts, that this is Gods will for our family.

You have to look close, but in the middle of the screen you will see a white dot (close the the cursor arrow) which are our babies!!! :)

The timing is very special, with Mother’s Day being tomorrow. Never before have I been able to say I am actually with child on this special day. This is a tough day for women who long to hold a baby in their arms, who struggle with infertility or who have lost a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early delivery. We are still moms. I feel strongly that motherhood begins with a longing love for your child, with believing that your child is out there. God is in the process of creating a perfect child for us in His time and the strength to fight this battle means you’re a mom and deserve to be celebrated.

Sometimes it doesn’t seem fair, that in order to get the Buy One Get One Free deal at Caribou, you have to be a mom or in order to get a free cup of coffee at church, you must have kids; that only if you are a mom will you get a rose handed to you at a store entrance or that you have to listen to the children’s choir sing a song about how much they love their mom’s in church tomorrow morning. I am secretly glad that I can avoid the “Are you a mom? No? Then please take your seat … give me back the rose.” conversation. My sadness means no disrespect to those of you who ARE mom’s and get to have a day all about you! I am glad you have this day and you deserve to be celebrated. Your job, your investment, and your love for your children deserves a free cup of coffee or a BOGO at Caribou, you deserve breakfast in bed and a song sung to you by your kids. It’s just hard for people like me.

But tomorrow – I am a mom. I am a mother to 2 beautiful babies that left this earth far too quickly last Christmas. And I am a mom to 2 beautiful little nuggets inside me right now. The tears well up when I think about the joy that is to come, the special time of celebrating my first Mother’s Day (hopefully next year!) when I can take the rose, accept the coffee cup and proudly hug my baby tightly in public.

I love you all dearly – for the support and prayers. For the amazing packages that have shown up at my door filled with goodies for my bed rest days and things to cheer me up. I adore my husband for willingly watching hours of Gilmore Girls with me as I sit on the couch, unable to “scrunch” as he calls it and for waiting on me hand and foot, treating me like a queen. I am so appreciative to my family who dropped off meals today so I could stop eating only cheese sticks. For the texts, comments, “likes”, and cards. For Cali standing guard by me all day, watching me to make sure I am ok.

Sent from Mary-Ellen <3

Sent from Jenn <3

My little Cali bug, never more than an arms length away.

These 2 babies already belong to God. They are His and I am honored to be able to carry them for Him and love them for the days to come. He knows every cell in them right now, their life, their name. I am honored to be a part of their journey. I only hope I get the chance to raise them to be children that love and serve Him. Keep praying … we have a long 2 week wait now before a series of blood tests. The first telling us if the baby/babies implanted and the second letting us know if the pregnancy, if there is one, is viable. Two intense potential phone calls. But God is good and in control and its all in His hands now. What a relief it is to hand over that worry!

14!

May 6, 2013May 6, 201317 Comments

A quick update to let you all know that the retrieval went AWESOME!!! They were able to collect ….

14 eggs! Praise the Lord! (Last time they got 11.) (And excuse the lovely gown and lack of make-up.)

We are so blessed and excited for this part of the journey to be done and now, our parts are literally just about complete! They will be attempting to fertilize the eggs today and we will find out on Wednesday how many were viable and how many were fertilized, and how many are still growing. This is obviously a huge prayer request of ours! We would love to have a solid pack of embryos so we can transfer the best 2 and then hopefully have some to freeze for future attempts and/or siblings.

In the meantime, my hormones are running a little wild so I thought I would share with you some stories about how tears have affected me the last week.

Sitting on the couch with Josh, watching news clip about killer whales swimming next to a boat, caught on tape (video playing).

J: looks over

C: *silently weeping*

J: Um, honey are you ok?

C: I …. Wannnttt … a …. Whale. (tears pouring down my face)

J: A whale? Honey, where are we going to put a whale?

C: I don’t know, but I want one. They are beautiful.

J: slight confused pause I think the medicine is working.

(Authors note: Seriously though, the whales were beautiful and I feel like anyone might cry watching the video. Or maybe not.)

Other reasons I have cried:

Putting in my Gilmore Girls dvd … because I love that show.
Watching Andy Bernard play his guitar on The Office. It was a beautiful song.
Ellen giving an audience member a new car.
A successful renovation on Property Brothers (HGTV). The owners were really happy.
Cali snuggling up next to me on the couch.
After cleaning out the pantry. I was so happy I was finished.
Getting adorable videos from our niece Scarlett letting us know she was praying for us today.
Thinking about all the prayers, love and support we have. Nearly every Facebook “like” makes me a little weepy.
Watching Josh and Cali sleep last night.
Receiving a care package from an Instagram friend today.

Truly the list can continue on. Gotta love the hormones!! Hehe!

Anyways, now we wait and pray – the story of a TTC girls life! We are excited to see what God has planned for us over the next couple of weeks! We will get the embryo report from the doctor on Wednesday, than another one on Friday and then, God-willing, will be back on Saturday for the transfer! He is in complete control and that is such freeing knowledge!!! Please continue to pray that the swelling and bloating goes down. This is typically when the now-empty follicles fill back up with fluid and I am at the most risk for hyperstimulation this week. Last cycle I ended up in the ER so keep praying that this cycle is different! We want my body to naturally flush out those fluids without painful build up.

Thank you all again for your excitement, encouragement and support!! Now, off to sleep off some more of this anesthesia …

miracles.

May 5, 201315 Comments

(Warning: this is a total science-y, numbers related, and semi-factual IVF post. For those who that bores, know that God is good and that we are going in for our egg retrieval on Monday morning!)

What a last few days it’s been! (For those who are friends with me on Facebook or follow me on Instagram, you know about the last 48 hours!) Let’s back up to Friday’s appointment:

I went in knowing my lining was looking good and I had some nice follicles coming up to a size where they consider them mature. I knew my estradiol levels were low. The main questions going into the appointment was 1) did my follicles mature together and do I have good follicles ready? and 2) if yes, then did my estradiol levels increase enough where we could trigger.

I have shared these basic facts before but for new comers, here is a brief 101:

We know that not each follicle carries an egg, or even one that has the quality or potential to be created into an embryo. Some follicles have 2 eggs, some have none. But the follicles are what have has the possibility of having an eye in it. Thus, they count the follicles to anticipate how many they should be looking for during the egg retrieval surgery, and how well your body has responded to the medications.
Follicles can grow 1-2 mm a day. Big follicles tend to absorb the majority of the medication so it’s a fine art to get the smaller ones to grow and the bigger ones to stay the size. Once a follicle grows too big, the egg likely will become over-mature and not viable. (And by fine art, I mean you have no control.)
When the follicles in the largest group are mature, then I will be injected with what is most commonly known as a “trigger shot”. This is a hormone shot that helps with getting the follicles primed and ready to ovulate and is carefully timed, to the minute, of when it’s administered and when the doctor goes in to retrieve them.

Ok, so Friday: my ultrasound looked really good!! I had 10 follicles that were considered mature and ready for the trigger shot. My lining was good and my nurse prepared me to likely do the trigger shot that evening, should my estradiol levels improve. It had been a couple days so we were banking on the fact that it did. I left the appointment so excited! 10 great follicle sizes with a few others close behind.

The nurse called me that afternoon to let me know that the doctor would not let me trigger that night however, because my estradiol levels were still too low. They need the levels to be at least 1,000 to continue and my levels were at 700. This was so discouraging to hear. The nurse asked us to come back 18 hours later to do more blood work and another ultrasound. She also mentioned the “c” word – cycle cancellation – if the numbers didn’t improve or went down, as that number closely is linked with the eggs quality and quantity. *Stress*

At this point, I was nervous. My numbers at the end of the cycle last time went up 88 points last cycle between days 7 and 8. The prior 48 hours they went up about 200. How in the world was I going to get these levels, which I had NO control over, up over 300 points in 18 hours? And then, without the perfectly sized 10 follicles to over-ripen as they continued to grow their anticipated 1-2 mm a day, knowing the big follicles absorb the most medication? So, I called many of you to prayer.

I was overwhelmed by the immediate outpour of prayer warriors that began to pray. I don’t know why it surprises me, but it still always does – that people would want to pray for us. But the comments, texts, messages, emails, calls POURED in and the amount of people who told us they were literally hitting their knees was incredible. The power of prayer brought us such peace and comfort, as we knew this battle and fight was completely out of our hands.

Saturday morning came and Josh and I made our way into the city, bright and early – 6:20 am. We were anxious to see how my lining was, how those 10 perfect follicles were, and then for the lab results. We were stunned when the tech started calling off follicles sizes to the nurse … my perfectly sized follicles on Friday, the ones that should be growing 1-2 mm a day, stayed perfect! They didn’t absorb the majority of the medication! And the little ones that weren’t even measuring before, grew, I kid you not, like 5-8 mm overnight. She let us know we had a total of 25 perfectly mature follicles waiting. I swear Josh and I were in semi-shock. Last cycle we had 14. This was incredible news to hear. The nurse told us with such a dramatic increase in follicle count, my estradiol levels should have gone up as well – and if they didn’t, well, we knew it wasn’t looking good.

First of all, don’t tell me you are going to call between 12:00 and 12:30 if you aren’t going to call till 12:50. My goodness. But when they finally did call close to 1:00, the nurse was pleased we were approve to do the trigger shot that evening! YAHOOOOO! They let me know my estradiol levels went up to ….. 1,035. Unbelievable. Truly an act of God. When looking at last cycle, having it go up 88 overnight, and about 100 between days before that this cycle, it was a true miracle that it went up over 300 points. (God was showing off a bit and threw in the extra 35 point I think, hehe). So they let us know, to the minute, when to administer the shot (10:30 pm last night) and when to come in for the retrieval (Monday pre-op starts at 9:30 am). Josh administered the shot to me last night, with my sister in tow as Plan B if something came up. (So grateful to both of them! Courtney practiced into an orange in case her moment came. Poor orange.) My tushie will be a little sore today but SO worth it!

The biggest, more sincere, THANK YOU goes to all of you for your prayers and support. The glory goes to HIM, who made this possible. I am humbled by the volume of people who were praying for us – He fully equips us what awaits us on our journey and all of you have been part of that equipment.

1 Chronicles 16: “Thank God! Call out His Name! Tell the whole world who He is and what He’s done! Sing to Him! Play songs for Him! Broadcast all His wonders! Revel in His holy Name, God-seekers, be jubilant! Study God and His strength, seek His presence day and night; Remember all the wonders He performed…”

Join us in thanking God for this miracle and for continuing to pray for the upcoming miracles to be created at the hand of God. The retrieval is only about 24 hours away now – then the embryos are created ONLY by the hand and will of God. I will be recovering for a few days and getting my body ready a (God-willing) embryo transfer on Saturday. I will keep you posted on the retrieval! Thanks again for all the prayers!!

bruised.

May 2, 20138 Comments

Why is it, when you are trying to work on a spiritual trait, God will give you immediate opportunities to work on it? *Sigh*. Talking about confident trust 2 days ago was easier. Walking away from today’s doctor’s appointment not feeling very confident about anything is a lot harder.

The appointment today was to do more blood work and have a check-in ultrasound. The initial feedback was positive – my lining is getting ready to become a home for future embryos. My follicles are quickly growing big. I had 14 follies today measuring at a great size for day 5. My estradiol levels (a fancy word for a hormone needed to make and keep a baby!) however, were less than ideal. I struggled with this last cycle as well, and this time around, my levels are even lower than they were last time.

I know what you are thinking, why don’t they just raise her medication again? Well, it’s not that easy unfortunately. We have already increased my medication this cycle by 33% proactively, hoping not run into the estradiol issues and a continued increase could cause the follicles to grow too large too quickly and loss the eggs all together.

Are you confused?

I know, it’s a lot. It really it this big messy chart of if this, then that. I was able to speak to my nurse today after she consulted with my doctor and they want me to continue doing what I am doing and come back Friday morning to see how the levels look and see what follicles are left and which ones have grown.

It’s not that I don’t think we will be able to get any eggs out of this – I hope and pray that my levels rise to a point where they can do a retrieval. And I hope and pray that they can harvest as many eggs as possible during that time. But I was disappointed today.

I wanted this cycle to be PERFECT. I wanted the numbers to align together in harmony, for the doctor to be in awe at my enchanting follicles and devastatingly beautiful lining. I wanted to have no reason to worry. However, God has another plan for me. One that gives me no option but to be completely dependent on Him and His plan.

I feel a little bruised. Yes, literally, (you should see my tummy!) but figuratively too. My hope feels a little battered. But I am not defeated. Maybe God is bruising me so He can use me. So I can be more sensitive to His touch and to strip away every ounce of self-reliance in me. Maybe, when things feel dark, it’s simply because God wants an opportunity and a chance to shine. To light up the story. To remind me I am not in control. (How many times do I need to remind myself of this before it finally sinks in!?!).

Surrender: To yield completely.

Psalm 37:7 says “Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” In Job 22, it is written to “Submit and surrender yourself to God and you will have peace. You will prosper and great things will come to you.”

It all really comes down to simply completely surrendering this journey up to Him. God, it’s yours. I continue to worry and try to manage it myself. But it’s utterly pointless. There is nothing I can do to change this outcome – it is already finished. He is the God of the past, the present and the future. Why am I trying to plan out something when He are already there?

What’s it for you? What is that one Thing in your life right now that you need to turn over? To say to, I’m bruised, I can’t do this anymore. My desire to control my Thing has made me completely crazy. I hate that my emotions are tightly linked to one call from a doctor or a blood result.

Guess what. I’m over it.

It’s out of my hands. God has already demonstrated both His willingness and His ability to help me in tough times in the past. Now, I need to recall upon these moments, these gracious acts, and allow that to build my confident trust up in Him. To strengthen the present.

Keep praying for those nasty hormones to increase and for whatever is to come. I so appreciate all the love and prayers. A special shout-out to my mom whose Googling skills helped find out what food naturally increase estradiol levels … thanks to her I am stuffed full of pea soup and edamame. Hey, I’ll do what I can and leave the rest up to Him.

(On a side note – no more hot flashes since Monday! I also haven’t seen my neighbor since then either. I can’t stop giggling whenever I reply the moments in my head. Oy vey!)