Why is it, when you are trying to work on a spiritual trait, God will give you immediate opportunities to work on it? *Sigh*. Talking about confident trust 2 days ago was easier. Walking away from today’s doctor’s appointment not feeling very confident about anything is a lot harder.

The appointment today was to do more blood work and have a check-in ultrasound. The initial feedback was positive – my lining is getting ready to become a home for future embryos. My follicles are quickly growing big. I had 14 follies today measuring at a great size for day 5. My estradiol levels (a fancy word for a hormone needed to make and keep a baby!) however, were less than ideal. I struggled with this last cycle as well, and this time around, my levels are even lower than they were last time.

I know what you are thinking, why don’t they just raise her medication again? Well, it’s not that easy unfortunately. We have already increased my medication this cycle by 33% proactively, hoping not run into the estradiol issues and a continued increase could cause the follicles to grow too large too quickly and loss the eggs all together.

Are you confused?

I know, it’s a lot. It really it this big messy chart of if this, then that. I was able to speak to my nurse today after she consulted with my doctor and they want me to continue doing what I am doing and come back Friday morning to see how the levels look and see what follicles are left and which ones have grown.

It’s not that I don’t think we will be able to get any eggs out of this – I hope and pray that my levels rise to a point where they can do a retrieval. And I hope and pray that they can harvest as many eggs as possible during that time. But I was disappointed today.

I wanted this cycle to be PERFECT. I wanted the numbers to align together in harmony, for the doctor to be in awe at my enchanting follicles and devastatingly beautiful lining. I wanted to have no reason to worry. However, God has another plan for me. One that gives me no option but to be completely dependent on Him and His plan.

I feel a little bruised. Yes, literally, (you should see my tummy!) but figuratively too. My hope feels a little battered. But I am not defeated. Maybe God is bruising me so He can use me. So I can be more sensitive to His touch and to strip away every ounce of self-reliance in me. Maybe, when things feel dark, it’s simply because God wants an opportunity and a chance to shine. To light up the story. To remind me I am not in control. (How many times do I need to remind myself of this before it finally sinks in!?!).

Surrender: To yield completely.

Psalm 37:7 says “Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.”  In Job 22, it is written to “Submit and surrender yourself to God and you will have peace. You will prosper and great things will come to you.”

It all really comes down to simply completely surrendering this journey up to Him. God, it’s yours. I continue to worry and try to manage it myself. But it’s utterly pointless. There is nothing I can do to change this outcome – it is already finished. He is the God of the past, the present and the future. Why am I trying to plan out something when He are already there?

What’s it for you? What is that one Thing in your life right now that you need to turn over? To say to, I’m bruised, I can’t do this anymore. My desire to control my Thing has made me completely crazy. I hate that my emotions are tightly linked to one call from a doctor or a blood result.

Guess what. I’m over it.

It’s out of my hands. God has already demonstrated both His willingness and His ability to help me in tough times in the past. Now, I need to recall upon these moments, these gracious acts, and allow that to build my confident trust up in Him. To strengthen the present.

Keep praying for those nasty hormones to increase and for whatever is to come. I so appreciate all the love and prayers. A special shout-out to my mom whose Googling skills helped find out what food naturally increase estradiol levels … thanks to her I am stuffed full of pea soup and edamame. Hey, I’ll do what I can and leave the rest up to Him.

(On a side note – no more hot flashes since Monday! I also haven’t seen my neighbor since then either. I can’t stop giggling whenever I reply the moments in my head. Oy vey!)