My prayer this whole cycle was that no matter what, God would be glorified. I was telling a friend the other day, it can happen in one of two ways. One, He would work a miracle in this cycle and we would have success and become pregnant. Two, the cycle would not work and we would have the opportunity to stay strong and praise Him in the storm.
It looks like we will be praising Him in the storm.
I woke up in the middle of the night on Thursday singing a song by Gungor. I found it strange that I hadn’t listened to the song recently and yet I couldn’t stop singing it as I lay awake. I couldn’t even remember all the right words in the right order so my head just sang on repeat “Please be my strength, Please be my strength, I don’t have any more, I don’t have any more. I pray your glory shines in this doubting heart of mine and all would know that You, You are my strength.”
And I couldn’t help but think “uh oh.” I was 5 days past a 5 day transfer (5dp5dt). Implantation, should it have happened, should have finished the majority of it the day before. I was now officially in the I-can’t-do-anything-now waiting game. So why was my heart pre-pleading for strength? I kept singing it until I fell back asleep, and then woke to the slighted bit of brown blood. A tiny amount. One that is enough to make you instantly a little frightened, then remember that brown blood is good, red blood is bad. I laid back down and prayed. My heart kept repeating “please be my strength.” And even though this symptom could have been a really good sign, I believe my heart was letting me know I was going to need strength.
The bleeding increased on Friday, turning to red around 3:00. I called my doctor who tried to reassure me that this could be normal. That some women bleed throughout their pregnancy and 6dp5dt was too early to have a period. It could be irritations from some of the medications I was on, it could have been a late implantation, it could have been some sort of small hemorrhage or a variety of other things. But as my head played on “Please be my strength, I don’t have anymore…”, I think a small part of me knew. I was put back on semi-strict bedrest and she said the bleeding should not get any heavier and would soon go away. Josh and I prayed, we plead. My head couldn’t come up with many words so I laid there in His sweet silence.
Saturday morning I woke up to my first clot and then the bleeding began to increase, nearly as bad as my miscarriage. And we just knew. We tried to pretend like “this could be a good thing”. We went about our day, me on the couch and Josh helping out around the house. My head could not come up with the right words to pray. I listened to Kari Jobe’s “Find You On My Knees” on repeat – my heart praying “Weary just won’t let me rest and fear is filling up my head. I’m longing, God, I’m longing for You. But I will find You in the place I’m in. Find You when I’m at my end. Find You when there’s nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness. You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty. When I am weak, when I am lost and searching, I find You on my knees. So what if sorrow shakes my faith, what if heartache still remains. I’ll trust You, My God, I’ll trust You ‘cause You are faithful.”
We broke down and tested, proving the reality we already knew. Not pregnant. A deafening stark white space where a pink line should have been. We had a difficult night. We cried. We let a few people know who texted such encouragingly kind messages and had been praying so hard for a miracle. We grieved. My head couldn’t stop thinking about another due date I would have to live through without my babies. September 2nd and now January 27th. It aches. I pulled our embryo pictures off the fridge. I kept looking at Josh as we sat in our dark room thinking “You should be a daddy. This isn’t fair. You will be such a good Daddy.” I could barely open my mouth to speak and when I did, I think I just could get out “This sucks. I don’t know why.”
It’s amazing how much we felt comforted so immediately. There was an overwhelming sadness of course, but also a strength that only could come from Him. It was a welcome change from the long-term sorrow we felt after last cycle. God IS still good. Your prayers weren’t in vain. We immediately began looking at all of our blessings – just in life in general and from this cycle. We got 2 beautiful frozen embryos from this cycle. I didn’t end up in the ER this cycle. I managed to bounce back from my fluid-filled ovaries quicker than last time.I got to experience my first Mother’s Day as a mom. I didn’t have to wait longer and sit in hope – a typically period shouldn’t start till at least 10 or 11 days past the transfer – I was 4-5 days early! We were spared a positive pregnancy test that could have resulted in a miscarriage. We felt like we had received the biggest gift of GRACE by starting my period as early as it did.
So now we pack away the baby items taken out. We breathe deep. We sit in His presence and we sing the words of a Matt Redman song (Never Once): “Scars and struggles on the way but with joy our hearts can say, Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did You leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, You are faithful.”
I had bloodwork done this morning and while driving, played my lovely game of song-on-the-radio roulette. You know, that one where whatever is playing was MEANT for you. (I am a big fan of this game as you know from other blog entries).
Fergie: Cuz bigggg girls don’t cry…. (Lies Fergie, I am a big girl and I cry. Stupid song.)
Mumford and Sons: And I will wait, I will wait for you. And I will wait, I will wait for you… (I WILL wait for you little babies. Mama’s gonna wait as long as it takes …)
Kristian Stanfill: Promise maker, Promise Keeper, You finish what You begin … You see it through ’til the end. The Lord our God is ever faithful, never changing through the ages. From this darkness You will lead us and forever we will say You’re the Lord our God. In the silence, in the waiting, still we can know You are good. All Your plans are for Your glory. (Ok, maybe a few tears with this song. He will finish what He began and will see our through this.)
(Authors note – there were A LOT Of commercials on the radio so clearly I was just flipping around. Hence the fun of roulette).
Pearl Jam: Oh where, oh where, can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me. She’s gone to heaven, so I’ve got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world. (This one caught me off guard. It was a favorite when I was younger (the 1960’s version) and suddenly, without realizing it, I was singing it to my little baby. Was one of them a girl? She is in heaven and I get to see her again when I leave this world. Ok, more tears.)
John Waller: I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You, Lord. And I am hopeful, I’m waiting on You, Lord. Though it is painful, but patiently, I will wait. (More waiting. Seems to be the story of our life. But I will do so, with patience in the pain.)
I felt like Radio Roulette was a therapeutic success today. I was able to speak to my doctor this afternoon to discuss our next steps – transferring 2 of those frostie little babies into my warm and clearly undesirable womb. (Perhaps it needs a little Property Brothers renovation. Huh? No? Dang, I have clearly been watching too much HGTV while on bedrest). The conversation was so helpful in understanding some “why’s” and I feel relieved to know we have great potential for this Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). I actually will be starting medication tonight to get this next cycle underway and will blog more details about it in the future. The next transfer date will be July 18th. 58 days away.
My prayers are this – that our strength will continue to come from Him. That our family members that loved these grandchildren, nieces/nephews, cousins and playmates would have peace and healing from this disappointment as well. That non-believers reading this blog would not doubt God’s goodness. That our next steps would be blessed.
My husband is amazing. He is my rock and my physical here-on-earth support that I would be lost without. Never once has he altered in his faith and positivity. I literally could not go through this without him. I love you honey.
In the words of NeedtoBreathe – I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful. And so we will wait a little longer. Until God changes our hearts desires, we will press on. We have 3 little snow babies left. God, please let one of them be our hold-in-our-arms baby.