sneaky grief.

Have you ever had a dream that felt so real, that when you woke up from it you were shocked to realize that the dream reality wasn’t the real reality? I had one of those last night. Which is somewhat odd for me because in general, I am alert enough in my dreams to recognize it’s a dream. But last night was different.

Last night I dreamt that I went in for an ultrasound (not at my clinic but at this strange looking 2050 doctor office warehouse-center) and upon getting a check-up, the doctor told me “congratulations! It’s time.”

Me: “Time for what?”

Doctor: Time to deliver! You are pregnant.

Me: What? I am? Aren’t I supposed to be pregnant for 9 months? I’m pregnant?

Doctor: It’s different for you this time. You got to pass over everything. You are pregnant and your baby is about to come!

Me: I’m pregnant? Is this real life? Are you sure? Is this a dream?

Doctor: Yes, I am sure. This is not a dream. Get ready Mama!

Me: Are you sure? I can’t take any more pain in my heart. I am pregnant? I am going to have a baby?

Doctor: You are going to have a baby. You are pregnant. This is not going away.

Me: I am going to have a baby? Are you sure?

Doctor: Yes, I am 100% sure. Enjoy this. You are going to have a baby.

Me: You aren’t joking me? Are you sure I am not dreaming? I am going to be a mom? Are you sure?

If you can’t tell, I was incredibly redundant in my dream. Asking over and over and over again – “are you sure?” and the answer always was “yes, I’m sure. This is it for real.”

The conversation with the doctor felt ages long. To a point where my subconscious actually started to believe that my pregnant self, was a reality.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up.

It took me a painful minute to realize that the dream in fact, was a dream. It was the most real-life conversations I have ever felt in a sleeping state, to the point I had actual tears of joy on my face. When that reality hit that the sweet taste of relief that this struggle was over was simply a dream, well, it was more devastating that probably makes sense to you as a reader right now.

I have no idea how my heart managed to find such contentment and peace in the fact that I was “pregnant”. But then, to have it turned off so abruptly, at 3 am, defied a logic my brain could handle.

I was so sure this battle was over.

There is a John Mayer song which lyrics spoke so directly into that moment. “When you’re dreaming with a broken heart the waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breathe.”

It’s funny how grief can hit you when you least expect it. For crying out loud, I was SLEEPING. Can’t I be protected from it in my dreams? Sometimes we forget that the process of grief is spontaneous. It catches us off guard and suddenly we are left dealing with the reality and pain that our hopes and dreams aren’t what we expected. That a part of our heart is missing. Grief is its own phenomenon and can just be messy at times. I certainly wasn’t expecting to wake up facing it.

I say this all simply to validate that grief in this journey is okay. No one is immune to it or protected from it entirely. It happens in its own space, in its own time. It can be overwhelming at moments and easier to swallow at other times. Tears shed aren’t always out of weakness; they are sometimes out of a heart that loves so much.

I read a quote by CS Lewis that says ““For in grief nothing “stays put.” One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?”

There are days in this journey I feel like I am making traction upwards. And others where it seems like my heart takes over and the plunge happens. In these moments, I am so thankful for the arms of our Father.  Simply there to provide a small glimmer of peace midst a racing heart and a weary spirit. Psalm 22:24 (MSG) says “He has never let you down, never looked the other way when you were being kicked around. He has never wandered off to do His own thing; He has been right there, listening.” This verse brings so much comfort. He doesn’t look the other way. He is always there. When my heart is grieving, He is right there listening.

“I love the Lord because He hears my voice and my prayer for mercy…. Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me.” (Psalm 116:1, 7 NLT)

For those of you fighting your own grief, hang in there. You’re normal. Grief happens. But when it does, take it to the One who holds all our tears, fights all our battles, and never looks the other way.

I do have a prayer request and that simply is for sleep. I have been struggling to sleep at night for about 6 weeks now. I can sleep a little but constantly wake up and don’t get restful sleep. I know its aiding to my mental weariness and physical exhaustion. So if you could, prayers for a healthy sleep pattern to return would be a real blessing.

I will leave you with this cute picture of Cali from earlier today. We created our own little pumpkin patch for her to visit. (By we, I mean me and her, haha.) She clearly was amused enough to not want to sit normal but display her balancing trick instead. If I could get this dog into show business, we could have endless attempts at IVF. HA!

photo (72)

Happy Wednesday!