a walk down memory lane.

The other night I laid awake thinking about the fact that a blog entry was waiting to be written and praying for a topic to be placed upon my heart. A word. A brilliant thought. A meaningful verse or a recollection of a recent story that could be tied into significant writing.  Instead I came up empty handed. In fact, instead of being bestowed with an entry that sparkled like Tierra (hehe, Bachelor joke), my brain instead simply kept rerunning the phrase, “I’m tired.”

It began to pluck what life has looked like for me that last year. The moments we have gone though.

The excitement. The joyous feeling of that first cycle. The highest highs of hope. The adrenaline.

The egg retrieval. Our beautiful 11 eggs.

The visit to the ER in the middle of the night. The overstimulation.

The transfer. That moment of seeing our two precious little babies for the first time, in their smallest cell-form. Knowing that everything up until this point was beautifully worth it.

The moment we saw the words “Pregnant” show up on the digital screen.

The moment of racing to the store to buy our first onsies. (My eyes still fill with tears when I remember those precious moments of being pregnant and so painfully unaware that anything could go wrong). The joy of picking out Mommy and Daddy outfits for one another.

The moments of telling our parents and my sister we were pregnant. The look of surprise on their faces. The tears shed. The hugs given. The dreams dreamt.

The weird cramping. The trip to the bathroom. The blood. The realization.

The call from the doctor, “I’m so sorry ….”

The days in bed, weeping from the deepest part of my soul. The pain.

The words of Meredith Andrews playing on repeat, “And every step, every breath You are there. Every tear, every cry, every breath. In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down. Not for a moment, will You forsake me…. After all, You are constant. After all, You are only good. After all, You are sovereign.”

The decision to try again. The leap of faith into the second cycle.

The egg retrieval. 14 God-given eggs this time.

The transfer. Our 2 little ones cozied up in Mommy’s tummy.

My first Mother’s Day as a real Mom.

The scared excitement of what this would bring.

The early bleeding. The cramping. Learning that it was over.

The confusion. The pain.

The decision that it was time to transfer our two frostie babies.

Learning that they made the thaw. Seeing them for the first time. Celebrating the moment.

The early bleeding again. The relief when it went away. The fear. Oh, the fear.

Seeing those two beautiful perfect lines pop up on a home pregnancy test. The words “Pregnant” shining on the digital again.

The terrified joy we felt.

Confirming we were expecting with the doctor. The news that they numbers weren’t as high as we had hoped.

The call a few days later to let us know the pregnancy was no longer viable.

The heartbreak.

The exhaustion.

The final blood work 3 weeks later.

The emergency ultrasound. The concern of an ectopic pregnancy.

The D&C surgery. The recovery.

The exhaustion.

And all these moments don’t include the shots. The pills. The patches. The suppositories. The juices drank and the oil rubbed on my tummy.

And as I laid in bed running through the memories of the last 10 months, I couldn’t help but validate my brains statement … ‘I’m tired.”

I would never imagine 10 months ago, that this is where my story would be. As I laid there thinking about all of this, I couldn’t help but feel this wave of frustration run over me. God, what’s the plan here? We have prayed faithfully this whole time that when we are meant to stop, that He would make it clear to us and despite the outcomes and surgery, I couldn’t feel stronger about that fact that we are supposed to march on in this journey. But I’m tired.

The funny thing is, when I woke up, my sister had sent me a message about a dream she had during the night. The details shared were exactly what I needed to hear and in a nutshell, the message was simple. God is using our story for His glory, even if I don’t see it. And Satan wants nothing more than to put my spirit, my hope, my joy, to death. He wants me to take his bitter pill and self obstruct. It was exactly the message I needed to hear to remind myself that I have to actively choose NOT to take that bitter pill each day. To look for the ways that God is using this for good. And when I take the time to look, I see them all around me.

So now the million dollar question everyone is asking … what’s next?

I have been transparently open to you all during our journey. Please know that when our hearts are ready, we will know and share what’s next. I promise. I appreciate in the meantime, your respect of not pressing us for details until that time. With all we have been through this last year, the questions “What’s next? When’s the next cycle? What’s the plan?” has become tiring. Part of me understands that you are all just excited for the future and what it may hold, the other part makes me feel like you don’t understand how exhausted I feel. Truly, I know your intentions are so good, but I have a little guard up on my heart protecting the little strength I have left. Simply talking about it drains me of that.

I promise you this: my desire for a baby remains strong. I still hope and pray that someday, that dream God has planted in our hearts becomes a reality. But for now, I will regather my strength. I will be intentional each day about rejecting the pity party pill. I will continue to look for the good in the story, because it’s there. And I will continue to be eternally grateful for each of you and the role you play in this story. You have no idea how much you mean.

“May our weary hearts be filled with hope…” –Gungor-

failed expectations.

Okay, I’ll say it, I am ready for fall. I feel like a hypocrite, as being a Minnesotan, we have maybe 2-3 months of summer, a week of fall and then 9 months of winter. But we haven’t really had a fun-in-the-sun summer this year; it’s been more a melt-your-face-off summer. And now, I am ready to unpack my boots and scarves, dabble in fall nail polish colors and order hot drinks from Starbucks. Oh, and not to mention fall TV shows coming back. Revenge! Grey’s Anatomy! Vampire Diaries! Oh my!

(It’s okay to remind me in October after our first snow storm that I wished this upon myself.)

I was recently nominated by another blogger as for a Sunshine Award. What I have been told is that “the Sunshine Award recognizes bloggers whose writings ‘light up the dark corners of our minds’”. It was an honor to be nominated! Thanks to Kate from A Hundred Affections for the nomination! Along with the nomination come questions for the blogger (me) to answer, so here you go!

Favorite color? To wear on my fingernails, pink or gray. To wear in clothes, black. To buy something that color of, usually some shade of blue.

Favorite animal? Morkie, of course! (Maltese-Yorkie aka Cali). But if I had to pick another one, it would probably be a giraffe, going back to my younger days as I was obsessed with the Ty Beanie Baby Twigs.

Favorite number? My birthdate, 19. (Fact, I played my very first game of roulette on our cruise and won with this number!)

Favorite nonalcoholic drink? I love Arnie Palmers (half lemonade, half iced tea), Shirley Temples (sprite and grenadine) and anything from Starbucks.

Favorite alcoholic drink? I rarely drink but when I do, I enjoy a glass of Moscato wine or anything with champagne.

Facebook or Twitter? Facebook. I still don’t really understand Twitter but enjoy following people.

My Passions? Living a life that is pleasing to God. My husband and pup. Spending time with family. Reading. Sitting in a coffee shop. Serving at our church. Cooking. Hosting events.

There you go! Then I am asked to nominate others for the Sunshine Award – I am working on linking other blogs to mine with a “Blogs I follow” page so stay tuned for those.

In other news, my beta finally reached ZERO! *CHEERS!* We found out last Friday and that’s been a huge relief. I have my Saline Infused Sonogram today (in about 2 hours actually!). This is the FINAL step in closing out this last cycle. It’s simply put a test where saline (salt solution) is inserted into the uterus and then my doctor will look at the lining to ensure it is free from cysts, polyps and scarring. We are praying that everything looks A-okay as it has in the past and that the D&C didn’t change that.

Driving in to the appointment last week, I was listening to a podcast from Pastor Steven Furtick about expectations. The series was great – it looked at what we do when others fail our expectations, when we fail others expectations of us and when we fail our own expectations. But the message that I was listening to was freshingly real – it was about what we do when God fails our expectations. Gulp. It talked about how frustration is born when our expectations doesn’t match our experience. We expect certain things to happen and they don’t. And sometimes, God is at the center of our expectations – and He doesn’t come through. Our prayers seem to fall flat and it can seem like God just didn’t provide for us the way we hoped and prayed. Pastor Furtick then said something that was hard to hear, but true – he said, “if you follow God, expect to be disappointed.”



The reason being is that we serve a God that is SO great, so powerful and we know that He COULD do ANYTHING He wanted. And when He doesn’t, we are disappointed. Confused. We still trust Him, or at least we should, but that disappointment and letdown stings.

He used the example of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus (when Lazarus was sick). Can you imagine being friends with Jesus, having Him over for dinner, hanging out, chillin’? (I am sure Jesus appreciates me using the word “chilli’” to describe Him. But doesn’t He totally seem like He would just sit back, relax with friends, laugh at how totally surprised that blind guy was when He could see again. He was HUMAN. He chilled.)

I digress. Anyways, so here you have Jesus’ close friends, ones described in the Bible as people he loved and one of them gets really sick. His sisters have been watching Christ’s ministry. They have seen so many healings and it probably seems silly to worry about their brother at this point. Just call Jesus! They say. Let Him know Lazarus is sick. Martha probably went back into the kitchen at that point to cook up a stew for Him to eat when He got there.

And Jesus gets the message. He hears His friend is sick. And what does He do? He stays. Right where He was. And Lazarus dies.

Failed expectations. Four days later, Jesus shows up. And Martha simply says ““Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Talk about being honest and direct with the Lord about failed expectations! I love it.

How many times have I cried out to Him simply saying “God, if you would have answered my prayers, my baby would still be here.”; “God, if you had intervened, you could have prevented this miscarriage.”; “God, if you had been here, I wouldn’t have needed this surgery.”; “God, if you would just touch me, I would be healed.”

Honesty. I think it’s something that we can lack in our walk sometimes. We THINK about how hurt we are with Him for not answering our prayers, but how often do we say, Lord, if you had … then…

He knows our hearts. I think her reaction was so beautifully appropriate.

And Jesus response to Martha wasn’t “How dare you speak to me like that! I know what I could have done!”

He answers with love, telling her that her brother would rise again.

Then Mary comes out of the house weeping and does the same thing. “Jesus! If you would have been there, then …” And Jesus again, doesn’t scold her for talking to Him like that. In fact, His reaction breaks my heart.

“When Jesus saw her weeping … he was deeply moved in his spirit… Then Jesus wept.” (John 11)

He wept in His humanness over the loss of His friend. Even though He had the power to save Him, He hadn’t and even though He knew the grand plans, He wept.

I believe strongly that when we wept, when our expectations are let down, when we cry out why, Jesus joins us in our weeping.

But the story doesn’t stop there.

In John 11, Jesus tells the sisters “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?” He went to the tomb, rolled away the stone and said “Father, thank you for hearing me. You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me.”

And Lazarus was the first man raised from the dead by Jesus.

You see – Jesus was healing people, but He needed to prove that He was the man of God. And this resurrection is what helped led people to believe. (John 11:45)

I share all of this for a simple reason – and it’s one that struck me again last week and is one I have to carry in my heart each day – when it seems that God doesn’t provide for us the way we hoped, we HAVE to remember that God doesn’t share our perspective. And because of that, His plans aren’t always going to line up with ours.

But He will come. He will be with us. He will weep. And then, when the time is right, His glory will be shown. I truly believe that.

I hope this reminder blesses you today as much as it’s blessed me. I better get going now so I can get ready for my appointment. Maybe I will even stop on the way for a Starbucks iced tea to celebrate the last days of summer as I patiently wait for fall to usher in.

Happy Friday friends!


What a whirlwind this last week has been! Sometimes when I sit down to write about what’s been going on in my life and I think “Did that all really happen to me?” It can feel like I am living someone else’s story sometimes and it feels weird. But reality is that this is my story!

The D&C went really well. I wasn’t too worried going into it, just hopeful that the complications wouldn’t happen. I felt SO blessed by all of the messages I received from friends letting me know they were praying for “The 5” requests. I felt clothed in prayers, my anxiety at bay and felt like this was just something to check off my list. I was so grateful to have my mom accompany me to the procedure and it truly went as perfect as possible. My doctor left right away, while I was still coming out of sedation, to bring the tissues to the hospital lab. These tissues needed to be cleared as positive for pregnancy in order for us to be cleared to leave on our trip. I was so thankful she got those results expedited. In fact, while I was still in recovery she came back letting us know everything came back as hoped. Praise God. Before I knew it, I was back home with prescriptions for nausea, pain and some awesome nylon underwear. My cramping was so minimal and for the most part, I just felt sleepy from the anesthesia.

After the surgery - everything went great!

After the surgery – everything went great!

I tried to wear my lucky socks but apparently not having grippy's on the bottom is a major hospital violation. Well, I tried.

I tried to wear my lucky socks but apparently not having grippy’s on the bottom is a major hospital violation. Well, I tried.

Then the exciting part – Josh and I had planned a last minute cruise the week before with another couple, friends of ours from college. We wanted to get away for a few days and relax, putting infertility stuff behind us and enjoy some time away. Little did we know I would be having unanticipated surgery the day before but the doctors felt confident that pending no complications during surgery, I would be okay to go on the trip. So our alarms went off at 2:45 am the next morning and off we went to the airport to begin our adventure.

We look lovely at 3:45 am right??

We look lovely at 4 am right??

Our boat looked so pretty - almost fake!

Our boat looked so pretty – almost fake!

The trip itself was so wonderful. We enjoyed time together and with our friends, good food, time in the sunshine and lots of laughs. For the most part, I was pain free. I didn’t really experience cramping from the D&C. The pain more felt like someone stirred up my insides and I just felt really bloated, tender and a little internally blended. If that makes sense?

Looks like all my years of reading US Weekly paid off! I won the ship on a stick for knowing the most celebrity couples! (Not sure that's something I should be proud of?)

Looks like all my years of reading US Weekly paid off! I won the ship on a stick for knowing the most celebrity couples! (Not sure that’s something I should be proud of?)


A quick look at our trip! No trip is a trip without some towel animals, the ocean, great food, and of course, a selfie.

A quick look at our trip! No trip is a trip without some towel animals, the ocean, great food, and of course, a selfie.

After spending sometime in Miami, the Keys, and Cozumel, we were on our way back home. We arrived to the Miami airport at 8:30 am Monday morning and unfortunately our flight didn’t leave till 5:45 pm. We were hoping to get on another flight but all were oversold. The day of waiting, then traveling to Detroit for a layover, then finally back to our state felt LONG. By the time we arrived home, it was about 16 hours. My exhaustion caught up with me mid-flight to Detroit and I became irritable Chelsea. By the time we landed, I was miserable, crank-city Chelsea. And I had a tummy ache from eating too many pretzels on the flight. (We skipped dinner). I think I glared at one too many people and muttered sentences about hating life and never being this tired and grumpy before. (I always had a flair for drama). By the time we boarded our last flight, 36 rows back, I was a version of myself that probably hung out with the devil for fun. I couldn’t control my glaring. I couldn’t force a smile, even if offered millions. I shot Josh some of the ugliest looks on the planet for whistling and was livid that because of his 9:30 pm cup of Starbucks, he was enjoying life. I was cold, therefore he couldn’t use his air vent. I was uncomfortable, therefore that was somehow his fault. I felt like his talking to the flight attendant was the most obnoxious noise I ever heard. In fact, by the time we landed, I was so exhausted and unhappy and annoyed, that I visualized clubbing him with my flip flop just so he would stop smiling. Walking to baggage claim, listening to him talk about loving the airport and wondering why the close baggage claim gate was closed, paired with walking faster than my tired feet wanted to, I questioned why I had been married to him for 8 years. (I told you, devil woman here). I mentally questioned if I was really a Christian because I felt such hatred towards people walking by me for the simple fact that they weren’t miserable like me.  I was short with my sister who stayed up late to pick us up and only spoke if it was to correct something Josh said. I was the worst version of myself. I share this with you for two reasons – 1) to remind you I am so far from perfect and 2) to apologize if I saw you and tried to assassin you with my eyes.

Once home, after the fastest shower of my life, I tossed back my antibiotic, ignored my grumbling stomach and went to bed. Throughout the night it felt like someone kept waking me up and tried to jam a golf ball down my throat. (If it was the flight attendant or Josh, I would have understood.) I woke up in extreme pain, feeling like something was stuck in my throat, with my chest and upper back burning. After spending some time on Google, I diagnosed myself with heartburn. Having never had it before, I tried everything that the internet (and Facebook friends) told me to do. Tums. Milk. Apple Cider Vinegar. Zantac. Nothing was working and because of the throat-lodged feeling and pain, I couldn’t keep anything down. Paired with the exhaustion from the day before, plus now being dehydrated and in pain, I felt like I had been clubbed. I got overly emotional about the fact that the day before (Monday) was our first due date and finally started to process the D&C. By the evening, I was running through worst case scenarios about my heartburn and almost went to the ER. Another night of sleep didn’t bring relief so I went to the doctor the next day, where I learned that gulping down my antibiotic on an empty stomach, right before laying down in bed, is not a good idea and will indeed burn your esophageal lining, causing a ulcer-like throat issue. Awesome. No wonder the heartburn remedies weren’t working! So now I am adding some more medication to my plate which is bringing relief until the lining heals in the next 4-8 weeks. Sigh. It always seems like its something!

But truly, all in all, I am recovering well. I am feeling less like the horned version of myself and am back to smiling at people. I have decided that just because I had a bad day, does not mean I am not truly a Christian or that Jesus left me for a day. I do realize that being happy requires a little bit of energy however. At least some days.

I ran across this verse the other day – “Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15 NLT) It has been a good reminder for me to remember to be genuine in my emotions with others. Be happy with those who are happy. Who are celebrating births or pregnancies. Share in the sorrow with those who are sad. Genuinely care about what they are going through and don’t just go through the “I am so sorry” motions. I think in this journey, we can protect our emotions so much because we have felt the euphoric highs and stinging lows. But I have been focusing on being genuine with my emotions. “Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them…Love each other with genuine affection.” (Romans 12:9a, 10a). So I am trying to make my interactions intentional and my words heartfelt.

Otherwise, that’s my life right now! I am going back in to the doctor tomorrow morning to recheck my beta numbers and am PRAYING the number is 0 or close to it. I am having slight beta-PTSD thinking about that call coming in. Then likely in the next 1-2 weeks, I will have a saline infusion sonogram (SIS) where they will evaluate the inner cavity of my uterus to make sure scarring didn’t occur during the D&C and make sure things still look good in there. Once all that is done, we will being discussing and moving forward with whatever may be next for us. Continued prayers for wisdom, peace and healing are appreciated.

Fall is around the corner and with it comes boots, cozy sweaters and warm Starbucks drinks. I love the leaves changing colors and even more so, I hope that with the changing of the seasons brings a changing in the winds for us and this journey. “Hear my prayer, O Lord! Listen to my cries for help! Don’t ignore my tears.” (Psalm 39:12).

Cali's first day of school! Hehe!

Cali’s first day of school! Hehe!

Lovely PSL's are back! Tried my first iced one - MMM!

Lovely PSL’s are back! Tried my first iced one – MMM!