whirlwind.

What a whirlwind this last week has been! Sometimes when I sit down to write about what’s been going on in my life and I think “Did that all really happen to me?” It can feel like I am living someone else’s story sometimes and it feels weird. But reality is that this is my story!

The D&C went really well. I wasn’t too worried going into it, just hopeful that the complications wouldn’t happen. I felt SO blessed by all of the messages I received from friends letting me know they were praying for “The 5” requests. I felt clothed in prayers, my anxiety at bay and felt like this was just something to check off my list. I was so grateful to have my mom accompany me to the procedure and it truly went as perfect as possible. My doctor left right away, while I was still coming out of sedation, to bring the tissues to the hospital lab. These tissues needed to be cleared as positive for pregnancy in order for us to be cleared to leave on our trip. I was so thankful she got those results expedited. In fact, while I was still in recovery she came back letting us know everything came back as hoped. Praise God. Before I knew it, I was back home with prescriptions for nausea, pain and some awesome nylon underwear. My cramping was so minimal and for the most part, I just felt sleepy from the anesthesia.

After the surgery - everything went great!

After the surgery – everything went great!

I tried to wear my lucky socks but apparently not having grippy's on the bottom is a major hospital violation. Well, I tried.

I tried to wear my lucky socks but apparently not having grippy’s on the bottom is a major hospital violation. Well, I tried.

Then the exciting part – Josh and I had planned a last minute cruise the week before with another couple, friends of ours from college. We wanted to get away for a few days and relax, putting infertility stuff behind us and enjoy some time away. Little did we know I would be having unanticipated surgery the day before but the doctors felt confident that pending no complications during surgery, I would be okay to go on the trip. So our alarms went off at 2:45 am the next morning and off we went to the airport to begin our adventure.

We look lovely at 3:45 am right??

We look lovely at 4 am right??

Our boat looked so pretty - almost fake!

Our boat looked so pretty – almost fake!

The trip itself was so wonderful. We enjoyed time together and with our friends, good food, time in the sunshine and lots of laughs. For the most part, I was pain free. I didn’t really experience cramping from the D&C. The pain more felt like someone stirred up my insides and I just felt really bloated, tender and a little internally blended. If that makes sense?

Looks like all my years of reading US Weekly paid off! I won the ship on a stick for knowing the most celebrity couples! (Not sure that's something I should be proud of?)

Looks like all my years of reading US Weekly paid off! I won the ship on a stick for knowing the most celebrity couples! (Not sure that’s something I should be proud of?)

cruise1

A quick look at our trip! No trip is a trip without some towel animals, the ocean, great food, and of course, a selfie.

A quick look at our trip! No trip is a trip without some towel animals, the ocean, great food, and of course, a selfie.

After spending sometime in Miami, the Keys, and Cozumel, we were on our way back home. We arrived to the Miami airport at 8:30 am Monday morning and unfortunately our flight didn’t leave till 5:45 pm. We were hoping to get on another flight but all were oversold. The day of waiting, then traveling to Detroit for a layover, then finally back to our state felt LONG. By the time we arrived home, it was about 16 hours. My exhaustion caught up with me mid-flight to Detroit and I became irritable Chelsea. By the time we landed, I was miserable, crank-city Chelsea. And I had a tummy ache from eating too many pretzels on the flight. (We skipped dinner). I think I glared at one too many people and muttered sentences about hating life and never being this tired and grumpy before. (I always had a flair for drama). By the time we boarded our last flight, 36 rows back, I was a version of myself that probably hung out with the devil for fun. I couldn’t control my glaring. I couldn’t force a smile, even if offered millions. I shot Josh some of the ugliest looks on the planet for whistling and was livid that because of his 9:30 pm cup of Starbucks, he was enjoying life. I was cold, therefore he couldn’t use his air vent. I was uncomfortable, therefore that was somehow his fault. I felt like his talking to the flight attendant was the most obnoxious noise I ever heard. In fact, by the time we landed, I was so exhausted and unhappy and annoyed, that I visualized clubbing him with my flip flop just so he would stop smiling. Walking to baggage claim, listening to him talk about loving the airport and wondering why the close baggage claim gate was closed, paired with walking faster than my tired feet wanted to, I questioned why I had been married to him for 8 years. (I told you, devil woman here). I mentally questioned if I was really a Christian because I felt such hatred towards people walking by me for the simple fact that they weren’t miserable like me.  I was short with my sister who stayed up late to pick us up and only spoke if it was to correct something Josh said. I was the worst version of myself. I share this with you for two reasons – 1) to remind you I am so far from perfect and 2) to apologize if I saw you and tried to assassin you with my eyes.

Once home, after the fastest shower of my life, I tossed back my antibiotic, ignored my grumbling stomach and went to bed. Throughout the night it felt like someone kept waking me up and tried to jam a golf ball down my throat. (If it was the flight attendant or Josh, I would have understood.) I woke up in extreme pain, feeling like something was stuck in my throat, with my chest and upper back burning. After spending some time on Google, I diagnosed myself with heartburn. Having never had it before, I tried everything that the internet (and Facebook friends) told me to do. Tums. Milk. Apple Cider Vinegar. Zantac. Nothing was working and because of the throat-lodged feeling and pain, I couldn’t keep anything down. Paired with the exhaustion from the day before, plus now being dehydrated and in pain, I felt like I had been clubbed. I got overly emotional about the fact that the day before (Monday) was our first due date and finally started to process the D&C. By the evening, I was running through worst case scenarios about my heartburn and almost went to the ER. Another night of sleep didn’t bring relief so I went to the doctor the next day, where I learned that gulping down my antibiotic on an empty stomach, right before laying down in bed, is not a good idea and will indeed burn your esophageal lining, causing a ulcer-like throat issue. Awesome. No wonder the heartburn remedies weren’t working! So now I am adding some more medication to my plate which is bringing relief until the lining heals in the next 4-8 weeks. Sigh. It always seems like its something!

But truly, all in all, I am recovering well. I am feeling less like the horned version of myself and am back to smiling at people. I have decided that just because I had a bad day, does not mean I am not truly a Christian or that Jesus left me for a day. I do realize that being happy requires a little bit of energy however. At least some days.

I ran across this verse the other day – “Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15 NLT) It has been a good reminder for me to remember to be genuine in my emotions with others. Be happy with those who are happy. Who are celebrating births or pregnancies. Share in the sorrow with those who are sad. Genuinely care about what they are going through and don’t just go through the “I am so sorry” motions. I think in this journey, we can protect our emotions so much because we have felt the euphoric highs and stinging lows. But I have been focusing on being genuine with my emotions. “Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them…Love each other with genuine affection.” (Romans 12:9a, 10a). So I am trying to make my interactions intentional and my words heartfelt.

Otherwise, that’s my life right now! I am going back in to the doctor tomorrow morning to recheck my beta numbers and am PRAYING the number is 0 or close to it. I am having slight beta-PTSD thinking about that call coming in. Then likely in the next 1-2 weeks, I will have a saline infusion sonogram (SIS) where they will evaluate the inner cavity of my uterus to make sure scarring didn’t occur during the D&C and make sure things still look good in there. Once all that is done, we will being discussing and moving forward with whatever may be next for us. Continued prayers for wisdom, peace and healing are appreciated.

Fall is around the corner and with it comes boots, cozy sweaters and warm Starbucks drinks. I love the leaves changing colors and even more so, I hope that with the changing of the seasons brings a changing in the winds for us and this journey. “Hear my prayer, O Lord! Listen to my cries for help! Don’t ignore my tears.” (Psalm 39:12).

Cali's first day of school! Hehe!

Cali’s first day of school! Hehe!

Lovely PSL's are back! Tried my first iced one - MMM!

Lovely PSL’s are back! Tried my first iced one – MMM!

 

10 thoughts on “whirlwind.

  1. Kate says:

    You have been through it, friend! First, so glad your surgery went well. Compared to what it could have been, that is a blessing, right? Second, so glad you were able to have fun and go on a cruise with your friends! How great. Sometimes we just need a break from this fertility stuff, right? Third, thanks for being real! We all get like that sometimes! Trust me, probably more often than we admit! Fourth, sorry about your throat/chest injury! What a pain!!! Glad it is nothing too serious. Fifth- praying all goes well for your appt. Yes, praying that there is change in the wind. Absolutely! Did I get everything???

    All the best, girl! Hugs and prayers!

  2. caroline says:

    Sweet girl, what a whirwind!!! So thankful you had a great trip, but whew, what a trip home ;) So glad you are back home and rested after everything that happened and thinking about you!!!

  3. Eva says:

    So happy I found your blog. Have spent most of the day online trying to find comfort, but did not really find it til I stumbled upon your blog. Thank you. Had a D&C yesterday two days after what was to be our 13 week ultrasound. Our baby had a strong heartbeat at the 10 week ultrasound and was moving his little arms and legs. Both my husband and I giggled like kids when we saw our much awaited baby move around. The Dr even gave us a packet of information about the hospital and about the screening tests they would do. She told me I could stop the Crinone progesterone suppositories because everything looked well and the placenta was formed. Well at the 13 week ultrasound I immediately knew something was wrong when I looked at the screen and saw our baby floating lifelessly and we did not see a heartbeat. We opted for a D&C because we had already had a miscarriage two years before at 11 weeks (which I opted to pass naturally at home) and the Dr wanted to test the fetus. The procedure went well but when I woke from the anesthesia I was in distress, violently shaking and moaning in pain. I had never felt so much pain in my abdomen and lower back in my life. The nurses had to give me three shots of morphine before my pain was tolerable. The worst part was the illogical yet strong emotions that overtook me. In between the moaning, I called out for my abay. I kept calling out “I want my baby!” over and over. In my head I knew I had a miscarriage, but I felt as if I had given birth to a full grown, healthy baby in my sleep and someone had stolen my baby. It was an awful feeling. My husband later told me that the Dr told him she had a very difficult time getting all the tissue. Guess my body was not ready to let go yet. I spent a total of six and a half hours in the recovery room due to all the pain medicine I was given. Every time I tried to sit up, I would get clammy, my blood pressure would drop and I would feel faint. This process was so different than the natural miscarriage I had at home where I was a part of the process, and although painful and longer, was emotionally easier to tolerate.

    Since I had a D&C, the Dr told me I’d have to wait three months before I would go back to my RE for an FET. Had we opted for nature to take it’s course, we could have tried after one cycle. Nervous about how I will heal from this procedure and praying for no scarring tissue or complications. I was not given oral antibiotics to take like you we’re, so I will make a call to Dr tomorrow. Hoping our first FET will work (first pregnancy was with Clomid and trigger shot and this second was what we called our miracle baby as we conceived naturally while on our last vacation before we start transferring our frosties after 5 years of trying).

    Thanks again for sharing your story and passages. They have been very helpful in my emotional healing today. I especially liked the picture and quote you had about fathers. Everyone keeps calling to see how I am doing, but my husband, who is indeed suffering inside and is taking care of me, fielding phone calls, cooking, doing groceries, doesn’t seem to get as much compassion.

    Best of luck in your journey to become parents.

    Xxooxx

    • chels819 says:

      Eva, your story has touched my heart in a special way. I am so incredibly sorry to hear of your miscarriage. The pain from the loss of you little one is one unlike any other and my deepest, sincerest sympathies and prayers go out to you. I hope you keep in touch to share how you are doing. Know you will be in my prayers and I am so glad that our paths have crossed in this cyber world. You are a blessing to me.

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