I finally think the “expect the unexpected” phrase has kicked in. (Thanks Big Brother). Truly, whenever I expect something to go one way, it goes the opposite way. Last week, I expect my beta to be 0 and they called and said “surprise! It’s 165.” Yesterday I went in and expected it to go down (although I truly was unsure what to think) and they call me and say “surprise! It doubled, please come back in immediately for an ultrasound.”
Hopped in my car, drove downtown, sat with the doctor and the tech as we pulled up my uterus and … Bam! There is was. A beautiful little 8 week, 2 day old sac. Except most people see a little baby inside at this point – I saw, well, an empty sac.
I was pleased in that it doesn’t look like there is anything attached to my tubes, just the uterine sac in the right place. The bad news is that my doctor was concerned that when I started to bleed, that I could hemorrhage and being that Josh and I were planning on going out of town, she didn’t feel comfortable taking that risk.
She said that we need to do a D&C surgery to remove the sac in the next 24-48 hours.
Expect the unexpected.
I don’t know why but I truly didn’t think it would come to surgery. Granted, it was always on the table but I was just hoping the outcome would be different. That my body would handle it naturally or that magic pills could take it away. I am so grateful that my RE doctor (the specialist) and the Obstetrics doctor completing my surgery (my OB from my original clinic) were so helpful in getting things moved around quickly to get this completed, as well as talk me through what to expect in a way I understood. Both spoke with incredible empathy and made me hopeful that in the end, Josh and I would still be able to go out of town as well. (The funny this is we were going out of town to get away from it all –I will now go out of town with pain meds, heating pads and a scraped, crampy uterus).
Some would expect me to feel angry. Mad. Upset. Sad. To be shaking my fist angrily at the sky and to cuss out my luck. But truthfully, I handed over this appointment on Monday to God and became comfortable with “whatever is meant to happen will happen.” No, I didn’t think that would mean a surgery 36 hours later, but I felt peace in the fact that He had a plan. Who knows? Perhaps this is the answer we were looking for? Perhaps after 3 cycles in 9 months, my uterus just needed a little autumn cleaning? (Hehehe!)
So tomorrow morning at 5:45 am, I check in for my D & C. I have talked to a few different women who have had them and their experiences all vary. I can only pray that mine is an uncomplicated procedure and that recovery goes quickly and smoothly.
If I could though, ask you to pray for a few specific items, I would greatly appreciate it:
1) The procedure itself – that it would be free from anything that could cause scarring. Scarring of the uterus happens less the 1% of the time but can cause additional infertility issues that I am not prepared to face.
2) A lack of blood loss – sometimes the person’s body doesn’t stop bleeding and they have to do a transfusion. While they are prepared to do this, I pray that this won’t be the case for me.
3) The biopsy – the same day they will take the tissues they remove and test them. The results need to come back positive for pregnancy to confirm that there is no other tissue in an unidentified location. (Like an upper tube). The chances of additional tissues located elsewhere are small but would require being rushed backed immediately for surgery and would result in our trip being canceled.
4) For quick healing – I am nervous about traveling so soon after surgery but pray that this trip helps clear our mind from all that is going on and is a trip of healing and relaxation. Prayers for minimal cramping and post-op bleeding would be wonderful!
5) Against infection – I will be on a strong antibiotic but there is always a risk of infection after surgery. Please join me in praying this doesn’t happen to me.
So 5 things (sorry, I am being prayer greedy now!) No scarring, no extra bleeding, good biopsy results, quick healing and no infection. THANK YOU!
A week or so ago, a friend posted a quote that has forever changes the way that I view my journey. The quote said:
“If you aspire to be a person of consolation, if you want to share the priestly gift of sympathy, if you desire to go beyond giving commonplace comfort to a heart that is tempted, and if you want to go through the daily exchanges of life with the kind of tact that never inflicts pain, then you must be prepared to pay the price for a costly education – for like Christ, you must suffer.” – Frederick William Robertson
I had never thought that this struggle of ours is part of a spiritual journey towards the gift of sympathy. The gift of sympathy is unlike many the people have, as to have true empathy, you have to be able to relate on some measure. We have all dealt with people who just don’t “get it”. That says the wrong, hurtful thing and cause additional heartaches. But in order to be a person who has the “kind of tact that never inflicts pain”, then you have to become educated in what it’s like to be them.
I will never look at this struggle the same way again. What a beautiful opportunity God has given me to be trained to have sympathy for others going through infertility. For others going through miscarriages. For others that have failed cycles, whether they be IVF, IUI, Clomid, Femara, metformin. For others that have post- IVF complications like OHSS. And now, for others that have to go through a D&C. All of this is part of an education, to be trained in the spiritual gift of sympathy and to be able to offer comfort that isn’t generic. My heart feels humbled and honored that I would be able to stand by someone else suffering and offer heartfelt sympathies.
Does that make me crazy? I understand how completely insane that sounds. So often times infertility feels like this gigantic punishment for something we don’t know, but my brain and heart are starting to change the thought of that, and receive this as a gift. Something that Christ is educating me in so that I can be more like Him. To be like Christ, we must suffer.
Now, this all should go without saying that I am MORE than reading for this journey to be done. I want to say, “Ok God, learned the lessons! Thanks! Now, baby please?” I cannot wait for the day when I am holding my healthy little baby and looking back at all of this. But until that day, I have to stay strong, positive, and keep fighting. Because I am learning things and being taught things that many people will never have the opportunity. So for that, I am thankful.
I likely won’t be able to update for a week or so due to recovery and the holiday weekend, so if you don’t hear from me, assume things went well. Thank you in advance for your prayers, love, and support.
On a fun note, life has been good so far. We still can’t process “what’s next” until we complete this last cycle fully. In the last few weeks though, I celebrated my 28th birthday, which was so fun. I enjoyed some fun time at the State Fair, sweating and overeating. I am wrapping up a TTC gift exchange that I coordinated on Instagram – where over 100 ladies struggling with infertility sent a care package to another girl struggling. I am SO blessed to see how much joy and excitement this brings to a community that has blessed me so much. And I have spent a lot of time listening to some great podcasts that have continued to teach me new things. Take a peek at some pictures!
Anyways, all of this is in His hands and we trust that! We keep trusting that our day will come and unless He changes our hearts, we will keep fighting and giving it out all. XOXO!