another loss.

Once again our hearts sit shattered at our feet. Every cycle, I envision writing THE entry. The one where we get to share good news. I so thought this cycle would be it. Everything about this cycle seemed right. The embryos were beautiful and strong. My body was at rest after not having to go through the difficult egg retrieval process. I added acupuncture this time. We were surrounded by an army of prayers. I felt pregnant. I was pregnant.

I just spent the last hour and a half writing a painfully detailed blog about the last week of our life. A story that included the highs (testing positive last Saturday) and the lows (not having the hormone levels hCg be where they should). The emotions (excitement, fear, worry, praise, joy, anxiety) and the 2WW symptoms (spotting, aches, tugs and pinches). But after my computer crashed, I don’t have the heart to rewrite it all. And maybe, its better that I don’t. Because all that would do is create pity for us. And we aren’t pity-us type of people.

Man, my heart hurts. To get the call yesterday telling us that our pregnancy is no longer viable and will result in a miscarriage broke our hearts. I can’t say that I wasn’t anticipating it to a degree. I feel like God prepared me for that outcome. I struggled in the days leading up to the final test, wondering if the uncertainty in my heart was the devil trying to cause fear and steal away my joy and praise, or if God was speaking gently and quietly telling me to be prepared. I am thankful that following the doctor’s confirmation of my pregnancy on Monday, that I was able to step back and simply enjoy being pregnant. For however long it lasted. I got to enjoy 4 and a half beautiful days as a confirmed Mom and Josh, a confirmed Dad. Those are special days that we will always treasure.

For now our hearts are heavy. Following the news I simply wept and just asked Why. Why is this happening again? 2 miscarriages in 7 months? Why do we have to continue to struggle? Why have we been chosen to ache? Why can’t we become parents? The whys soon became I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I wept so hard and repeated it so much I think Cali may soon be able to say the phrase.

In my weeping, I was quietly reminded that our joy can’t come from things on this earth. My heart was filled with peace when I remembered that truly, His grace is enough for me. His power made perfect in my weakness. He is good ALL the time. Not some of the times. “I wait patiently for the Lord to help me and He turned to me and heard my cry.” (Psalm 40:1) I feel confident that our cries are being heard. The night before we found out we were pregnant, I woke up around 3 am and felt this incredible joy. I knew we were testing in the morning and all I could feel was God being so excited for the morning to come. For us to have the moment of having a positive pregnancy test and for Him to be a part of it. I didn’t even know at that point that I was pregnant, but I just felt God’s genuine excitement to bless us. And opposite to that moment, I feel His incredible sadness along side us now. I don’t resent Him for this outcome. I trust in His promises of plans to prosper us and give us a hope and a future. So with that promise tucked close to our heart, we continue to wait.

Our hearts feel slightly numb, a mixture of shock, denial and a lack of surprise. (I feel like throughout this process, you become accustom to bad news). We prayed this was it. We had so many others share dreams and words and prayers and affirmation that they too felt like this was it. I hate knowing that April 5th will now come and go, another due date to add to the calendar. I don’t know what’s next for us. To have 2 early losses isn’t normal and I would like to undergo some recurrent miscarriage testing to see if there are causes that we could prevent. I have to continue to follow this miscarriage through to completion, which is the most painful part emotionally and physically. Since I have not yet begun the physical piece of miscarriage, by doctors orders I have to finish my medications and shots and have blood work every 2 days to follow the numbers through to negative. This next week or two will be very hard for us.

Us. So often the woman is the recipient of the sympathies as its her body that physically lost the baby. But I have to say, in miscarriages, don’t forget the dad too. He lost his baby as well. Josh has been so strong and supportive throughout all of this. On the days I was anxious and discouraged, he stayed positive and optimistic. While I have been couch bound most of the last 2 weeks, he cooked my meals, cleaned the kitchen, did the laundry and helped with every tiny task. And now, while I sit at home, processing what has happened, he has to go back to work, with equal grief in his heart but as a man, is expected to be strong. Please be praying not only for me, but for my amazing husband as well.

man

One thing I know, “Grief is not the opposite of faith. Mourning is not the opposite of hope.” (Hannah’s Hope). While we grieve and mourn, we still hang on tight to our faith and hope. I’m not sure how long it will take to gather the pieces this time or what step we will take next. But until we are holding our child in our arms, this battle is not yet over.

job

 

35 thoughts on “another loss.

    • chels819 says:

      Thanks Katie. Praying for YOU and exciting day!!! Praise God for His goodness! Praying for good news to come from you in just a few short weeks. Know I will be thinking about you and empathizing with the painful wait. XOXO!

  1. Holly says:

    I saw your title and immediately started sobbing, hard. Why God?? You are so faithful, you are so gentle, you are so peaceful. You are seriously the modern day Job and I am amazed at your faith. I have no idea God does what He does and I know the nasty pain of the short lived hope of a positive test. In the end, God gave Job back EVERYTHING he had lost and more. That is my prayer for you guys. Thank you for being such a strong example of a solid, planted Christian who mourns but hopes.

    • chels819 says:

      Holly, what a beautiful NEEDED reminder about the end of Job’s story. You are so right. And even if that doesn’t happen to us, we are still blessed beyond belief. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. We are just two people walking the journey of life. We are blessed to have you follow along!

  2. Melissa Willits says:

    Chelsea and Josh,
    Thank you for being willing to be a vessel of God’s goodness and joy, even in liens saddest circumstances. His glory is definitely shining through you, and I know that you will be blessed for your faithful witness. “But then I recall all you have done O Lord; I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.” Psalm 77:11 {all of psalm 77 is good….you are not alone in any if your emotions} praying for his grace tho continue tho be sufficient

  3. Charity says:

    Oh my heart aches for you both and I’ve cried out to Him for you all. I am so sorry this has happened again, but God is faithful and even while things seem dark He is working behind the scenes…..and I know you believe it too. I am praying deeply for Josh as well, I know how often men get left out of the loop. I am still believing with you all and standing in agreement that you will be blessed and shown His favor. You are both have such beautiful hearts and God is deeply concerned about your trials. He’s keeping account of all of your tears and working to reveal great joy to you.

    • chels819 says:

      Oh Charity … I so believe He is working behind the scenes. I am anxiously excited to see the final version of this movie someday. :) I appreciate your belief and prayers for us and hope you know they are all reciprocated for you as well. Much love.

  4. Jaimee says:

    My heart completely sunk reading the news. I am so sorry for you and your husband’s loss. I can’t imagine all the emotions you are feeling. Your faith is inspiring and I pray you will both just feel nothing but comfort and peace through the coming weeks. Praying for direction for you both as you continue to journey down the road to parenthood.

    • chels819 says:

      Thank you for your empathy and for the continued prayers. The prayers for direction are greatly appreciated as right now we aren’t sure which direction to go. I appreciate you!

  5. Rachel says:

    I have been repeating those words “I can’t do this anymore” all day. I starting bawling reading this post. I feel like you were in my head. I am so sorry this is the outcome. I wish I could take away just an ounce of your pain. Thinking of you always. Sending strength and waves of hope! Love you dearly!!!

    • chels819 says:

      :( Rach, if I could take away your pain I would. I am just hate that this is the journey selected for us but I truly trust and believe that we are more than conquerors. Praying for you today and wishing I could send you gigantic hugs.

  6. ThereIsAChance says:

    This sucks. I am so sorry for your loss. I will light another candle for your baby on October 15 this year. Sending you prayers for continued strength in this truly difficult time.

  7. Vanessa Hauman says:

    I don’t understand why bad things happen to good people. I wish there was a way to make the pain you’re feeling go away but I know only time will heal your heart right now. You have an amazing spirit and I have faith you will have your miracle baby, some way some how!

  8. Kailey says:

    I told my mom about you today while we were on our way home from our girls’ trip :) She was cracking up at the fact that I called you my “friend” but have never actually met each other. I said, “But, Mom, we ARE friends… she just lives far away… AND she LOVES her some Jesus!!!”
    I’m just so grateful for you and your continued faith in the Lord. You have encouraged me more than you’ll ever know! He is definitely close to the brokenhearted. He is close enough for you to touch Him. Reach out, and let Him hold you during this time.
    Love you sweet friend!

    • chels819 says:

      Kailey, this made me smile because you ARE my friend too – doesn’t matter if we have never met! I am so thankful for you and your encouragement, your prayers and your trust in our Lord. Love you very much!

  9. recoveringbeachgirl says:

    I am sooo soooo sorry for your loss. I understand how heartbreaking and world shattering it is. I will pray for you.
    I know it may be too early to think about a new cycle…but have you looked into PGS testing on the embryos? It’s a added cost but ensures the healthiest embryo is transferred – significantly reducing miscarriage rate. I’ve had a miscarriage and am in the middle of an IVF cycle and we are doing pgs – a lot of embryos are not viable to begin with or are chromosomaly abnormal- pgs tests for the abnormalities and eliminates abnormal chromosomes from being transferred. Just something to think about for the future.
    I know at this time no words will heal things so I truly wish you comfort in this hard time. Xo.

    • chels819 says:

      Thank you so much for your post and prayers – it really does mean a lot. It is something that we have looked into for sure. We will be meeting with our doctor soon and I have a whole load of questions to ask … thank you for the kind words and wishes for comfort. They mean so much!

    • Olga says:

      Agree with PGS/PGD advise! We tested 12 very good looking embryos and one third of them would have never survived! It’s crazy… We ended up spending $4,000 or so extra for that, but my husband and I had money for only one IVF cycle so we couldn’t risk transferring an untested embryo… Plus, we are now saving a bunch of nerves and $$$ on not having to do those silly 1-st and 2-nd trimester genetic screenings! Praying for you!

  10. Kate says:

    My heart sank when I read your post. I can relate to so many things that you posted. I so admire your faith, courage and optimism. That is so God-glorifying and God-honoring – and I know that God does not miss that kind of worship through pain!!! When I got pregnant in Nov, my first sono showed everything was not all great…the yoke sack was enlarged and the heart beat was a little slow for my dates. Those things pointed to a potential miscarriage. I was crushed. So, for the those few weeks, I felt like I was waiting for my baby to die…again, not knowing if the fear was from the devil or if God was preparing me…just like you said. My next sono, still had a heart beat, but no real growth. AGain, waiting…Third sono – no heartbeat. We opted not to have a DNC, since I had already started spotting. I say all this to testify that God was with me even in that tough time…it could have been so much worse than it was. I do feel like God prepared me and that God was so close to me and had assured me of His love even weeks before all this happened. So many more testimonies through out – even that I passed cleanly, easily and my husband was home with me when it happened. God put on so many people’s hearts to be praying for me before, during and after….even people who didn’t know we were trying. And He gave me a great encouragement. I blogged about that on my old blog – feel free to take the encouragement for yourself too!!! You have been on my heart and I am praying for you. http://ahundredaffections.blogspot.com/2012/12/i-had-it-all-wrong.html

    God bless you! I know that someday, you will write THE post!

    • chels819 says:

      Kate, this means so much. Thank you for the encouragement you have given to me today. I can only imagine the difficulties you faced with the crushing blow of the loss of your precious baby. It never is easy. And I am so thankful to our Lord stood next to you and continue to encourage you. This is the greatest blessing of all. I read through your blog post and it was POWERFUL. Thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts with me … I greatly appreciate you!

  11. Em says:

    Oh Chelsea! My heart couldn’t be heavier over this. I am just so sorry…so sad for you. And I have to say, a little bit angry too. I find myself praying for you and asking God why, why, WHY!?!? Your faith is a testimony to me and so many others. May God hold you more tightly now than ever before.

    • chels819 says:

      Thank you so much Em. God is good and He continues to stand with us through this test. I feel blessed to have your sympathies and prayers … thank you for your support. XOXO.

  12. ivfandfaith says:

    I am so sorry for all you have been through and are going through. Your post reminds me exactly of my first ivf cycle. Everything that happened to you happened to me. A friend once told me that when God is up to something hard, he’s up to something BIG! Keep your faith and hope. Xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s