dementors.

I am aware that I am a total blog slacker these last 2 weeks. And I am okay with that. I can’t believe it hasn’t even been two weeks since we found out my pregnancy wasn’t viable. It feel like a decade has passed since that day. Not in a flippant, “who cares!” way, just in a way I feel that it has aged me far more than 2 weeks.

We have gotten many questions – the first being “how are you” and the second being “what’s next?” So let me answer them …

How are you? The short answer is really good. We are comforted by the peace that only God can provide. I know that the peace is a result of all your prayers. I am certain of that. There are moments in the day where I swear the prayers are tangible objects floating around our house, just an arms length away. We haven’t forgotten our lost little ones, but we recognize that we can’t dwell in sadness either. Our grief cycles for the last 5 years have taught us how to pick ourselves back up and move on. And that is what we are trying to do.

Truthfully, I am more preoccupied with the fact that had I not miscarried last Christmas, I would be 37 ½ weeks pregnant. My due date just a handful of days away. As my birthday hit next Monday, I feel slightly restless at the fact that another year will come and go without an expanded family or even a pregnant belly. I continue to sort out my emotions and lay them at His feet.

What’s next? We are still prayerfully considering many options and will share and proceed when we feel the time is right. Some options include doing some extensive testing to find out if there is something wrong genetically with us or me, biopsies and exams, blood and answers. We could move ahead with our last embryo and do another frozen transfer. We could do another fresh cycle, egg retrieval and change many things around. There are a lot of options and we don’t want to proceed necessarily with the one we WANT to do, but with the one GOD wants. Join us in prayers for wisdom! The good news is that less than 1% of women suffer from 3 or more miscarriages … so I am praying that I don’t have to raise that statistic.

All in all, the support of YOU, our friends, our family, our team, has been invaluable. I feel so blessed that I can still move forward with my life. Laugh. Get dressed. Enjoy life. So many people facing similar battles struggle to do that.

I’m about to show my nerdom here …

In the books Harry Potter, there are these evil being calls Dementors. Taken straight from the book, the definition is that they are “among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them… Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself…soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.

Do you feel it? That heaviness? That is what so many women struggling with infertility feel like they battle every day. A heaviness that lingers, draining the hope and peace and happiness from their lives. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the word is so close to “demon”. I feel like infertility is a constant battle again the demons that attack us, that try to steal our joy, our hope. Negativity can feed on negativity and before you know it, you are left with nothing but a sea of depression that swallows you up.

Another fact – dementors cannot be destroyed, though their power can be limited if the conditions in which they multiply are reduced. Which is why we constantly have to fight these our demons around us that try to pull us down and not feed into the negativity. Focus on the goodness of God. Thank Him for the peace He provides regardless of our circumstances. Refuse to feed off the despair will do nothing that bring heaviness and they will go away…

If you are struggling today, feeling like you are being attacked with dementors of your own – turn to the One who holds the power to diminish them. “We mustn’t lose the hope of a specific promise that God has given us. It may not look like we expect it to (who expected the Messiah to be born in a manager?) or arrive when we want it to arrive (who knew Abraham and Sarah could have kids in their old age?), but God is always faithful to His word. Romans 8:31-32 says, “If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all – how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?”  Because this one promise is true, even if you don’t see anything else in your life working the way you think it should, it’s enough! God is still in control. And He is for you. You just have to be patient.” (Craig Groeschel)

I have quoted 2 Corinthians 12:9 over and over again throughout the years but it constantly reminds me that HIS grace is sufficient for me, His power is made perfect in my weakness. When we come to a point where our prayers haven’t been answered exactly how we wish they would have been, cling to the FACT that HE is all we need. His grace is all we need.

I adore all of you who have encouraged me by telling me I “deserve” to get pregnant and have a baby. The thought is so kind, but the truth is, I so far from deserve any kind of special grace or answered prayers. My sins are just as big as everyone elses. Just because I write a blog or send cute notecards of encouragement doesn’t mean I am any better of a person. I struggle with pride. With shame. With gossip. I have walked that sinful line of danger. When I stub my toe, drop a plate, or hit my shin, “shoot!” isn’t always the first word that pops out. I am broken. What I deserve is FAR beyond what I am currently blessed with. The beauty of that? He doesn’t care. He loves me despite all of that. His power is made perfect in my weakness. So when someone tells me I deserve to be a mom, I want to shake my head and tell them, “No, no, I do not deserve that. I deserve much different. But because of His unconditional love, grace and forgiveness, I don’t have to live in the world of what I deserve.”

Believe the truth today that you CAN combat your “dementors”. Keep His word close at hand. It’s what I have to do every day when they attack and tell me this will never happen. Or that my sins are too great to forgive. Or that I am just meant to suffer. Rebuke those lies. Let Him carry you. His hands are the best place to be.

So, did you feel like you got your daily dose of Harry Potter in? Hehe. But it’s truly how I have begun to imagine the enemy – and like Harry Potter, we have our own Patronus Charm in Him. (Wait, what? Too far? Whoops …)

Much love to you all!

i saw this at our church bookstore the other day and LOVED the message!

i saw this at our church bookstore the other day and LOVED the message!

What a great quote I read the other day and have to jot down.

What a great quote I read the other day and have to jot down.

I received this precious necklace from a friend who designed and made it herself ... in memory of my little ones who aren't with us. One of the most beautiful things I have ever received. Thank you Martha!

I received this precious necklace from a friend who designed and made it herself … in memory of my little ones who aren’t with us. One of the most beautiful things I have ever received. Thank you Martha!

12 thoughts on “dementors.

  1. carolinenharries says:

    love that necklace, so sweet. So glad to hear that God has given you a peace that suprasses all understanding. Just know that the same God that did miracles in the bible is still doing them today, and that because of what He did on the cross, you have access to COMPLETE healing. He will make you a mother of children, praying that time is quick!

    • chels819 says:

      Caroline, I really needed to be reminded of that simple truth tonight – that He is the same God that did miracles in the Bible … thank you for saying that and letting God use you to speak to me! Thank you for all your prayers and constant encouragement. I am so blessed by you on a regular basis! I wish we lived closer. :)

  2. amywales121 says:

    Recently stumbled across your blog and wanted to thank you for sharing your heart! Your thoughts on being entitled to be a Mother are so spot on, it’s a nice compliment to hear how much we deserve to be Mothers, but the truth is that Motherhood is a special blessing; a gift and something to be desired, not something everyone deserves, but recieves only because of God’s goodness, not ours. I love your Harry Potter reference and I think it is a perfect parallel to the darkness and heaviness that comes with infertility, thankful for the “light” of the world that Jesus is no matter what we are facing in this world! Praying for you and your husband! You have been an encouragement to me through this post!

    • chels819 says:

      Amy, thank you so much for your encouraging words! What a blessing your message was to me tonight! I appreciate your heart to join us in our journey and take the time to read my small thoughts – thank you for blessing me!

  3. Kate says:

    Your attitude is an inspiration to us all! Thank you for being so upbeat and positive. It definitely helps to hear someone else speak such grace and hope. Keeps the rest of us from wallowing in self-pity! Thanks for your godly perspective. Just know that God is using you, even in your pain, to glorify Him. I hope that brings you comfort on some level! And we WE see our babies again!

    • chels819 says:

      Kate, you are so right … we WILL see our babies again! They passed over much pain in this word and are reunited with our heavenly Father already. Sending you hugs and love today and always. XOXO!

      • Kate says:

        Same to you, Chelsea! I just blogged my whole TTC story, and it reminded me all over again of how faithful God had been through it all. Yes, our babies were spared so much. This life will seem really short compared to how long we will get to spend with them.

        Thanks again for the encouragement and inspiration!

  4. Jessica says:

    Wow your jorney is really insiping I went through it all and cried I hope you get your dream come true i really do xxxx
    God will give you your rainbow :)

    Be strong

    Thinking of you xxxxx

    • chels819 says:

      Jessica, I can’t tell you enough how much it means to me that you would take the time to read and walk through our story with us. I appreciate your kind words, thoughts and prayers so much. XOXO!

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