1,209,600 seconds of waiting

July 23, 2013July 23, 201319 Comments

Waiting. What’s that? Ha.

If you are anything like me, waiting is hard. Especially when it’s something you really want. The world is filled with inspirational quotes about waiting – “The longer you wait for something, the more you’ll appreciate it when you get it, because anything worth having is definitely worth waiting for.” Yahoo! Yeah waiting! Love it! Wait on!

I joke , but I do love that quote. And it’s true …. But it doesn’t make the waiting any easier.

I wish there was a magic pill to take to give you just a little glimpse of the future (like let’s say, a week and a half from now). Or I wish that God would just TELL ME already. (Impatient much Chelsea?) This 2 week wait is lonnnng and hard. Doing this time and time again doesn’t necessarily make it any easier.

My dog Cali decided last night that she really just wanted to make sure I was awake when she was. I need a drink of water, her little doggie brain thought, I must make sure to scratch Mom’s pillow until she wakes up just to let her know I am jumping down to get a drink…..Ahh, back in bed. What? She fell back asleep? Not okay. I must lay on her face to ensure she knows I am back in bed. It was like this all night! And as a result, I laid wide awake after a while. Ah, a perfect time to pray and make it really easy for God to tell me if I am pregnant or not.

“Okay God, you don’t have to audibly speak to me, I’ll make this easy for you … how about you just give me the hiccups if I am pregnant.”

No hiccups.

Okay, well that was a hard one.

“How about if I just feel a really big pinch in my uterus on 3 …. 2 …. 1 …. “

Ouch! Wait. That was just a feather from my pillow poking through on my arm. Dang.

“How about if you DON’T give me the hiccups if I am pregnant.”

No hiccups! I WIN! Wait.. that really doesn’t mean anything … shoot.

I got to the point where I realized God didn’t want to play this game. He just wanted me to trust Him. Trust that He is in control. Trust that He will bless us with a child whenever the time is right (again, God, next week would be great, just throwing that out there…)

I have continued to look for physical feelings and such of a pregnancy, (granted I am only 5 days past transfer, meaning that they really wouldn’t be appearing now anyways, but one can dream …) when I came across this line in Jesus Calling earlier this week. “Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel….Concentrate on trusting Me and fearfulness will gradually lose its foothold within you.”

I love that it used the word “feel”. So often that relates to our human emotions, but to me, it spoke directly to the physical feelings I had been trying to search for. And the message from Him was clear – Affirm your trust in Me.

Proverbs 3:5 (AMP) says “Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.” Hmmm, so maybe my limited, heavily-searched for insight really will do me no good. I’m getting it God.

So on and on we wait. Similar to previous cycles, we will share with our blogging friends the news as soon as family and friends have been told. Keep those prayers coming in the meantime! I believe God is hearing every single one of them and that His promises will be fulfilled.

third times the charm …. right?

July 19, 2013July 20, 201327 Comments

Well, this is the first time I have ever attempted to blog from my iPhone so I don’t anticipate this being long, edited well, or articulate. :) But I wanted to check in and let you all know how the transfer went! It went great! Josh and I enjoyed a breakfast out before hand. We were told our transfer would be a 1:00, and since we’re doing a pre and post transfer in office acupuncture session, we needed to check in at 11:30. Instead of trying a new place like we did the first two times, we went back to the restaurant we went to the day of our first transfer, since that one resulted in a BFP.

Our table at the cafe

Then, with my lucky socks on (thanks Ashley!), our excitement high and tummy’s full, we headed to the clinic!

My acupuncturist met us there and chatted with us while I quickly guzzled 32 oz of water in 10 minutes, then administered such a relaxing session. Josh got to watch and I slept and relaxed. I think the Valium helped the nap. :) We then went back into prep to change. We were anxious to hear how the thaw went. We knew we had 3 embryos frozen and were praying that at least 2 survived the thaw, ideally the first two thawed so we would still have 1 left. The nurses spent extra time with us and it seemed like ages until the doctor came in. FINALLY we got good news that our first two embryos thawed! In fact, one was already hatching! (Embryos are in a mothers egg, much like a chickens. Unlike a chicken though, the embryo breaks free from its shell when it’s strong enough to survive solely on its own genes and is ready to attach itself to the uterine wall. Way to go little over achiever!) The transfer itself went so smoothly, the easiest one thus far, and after resting for a while in the procedure room, we were brought back to meet with the acupuncturist. She administered a different kind of session and man, I was out like a light! I was so relaxed and calm. I really felt such a sense of peace.

Since then, I’ve been at home on strict bedrest! We are so blessed to have others help us with meals. And I was blessed with some goodies as well. So greatly appreciated!!

So now we wait! God knows the outcome of this cycle and we can only pray, beg and plead that His will lines up with our hearts desires. We are so blessed to have so many people praying for us! We were blessed by many posts requesting prayers on our behalf yesterday, as well as a special friend who even fasted for the day for us. Wow. Incredible.

So now we ask you to continue in your faithful prayers for us. We continue to feel the calling to be parents and know that God is the giver of life. I was reading this verse in Matthew on Wednesday and it seemed to be a perfect message for my heart: “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” (Matthew 6:34 MSG)

ok! Enough with this phone blogging … 3 hours later …. You guys rock.

praises and prayers.

July 14, 201319 Comments

Okay friends, you are all AMAZING prayer warriors! Since I posted my last blog I have not spotted ONCE. I mean it. That is INCREDIBLE and a validation that God is listening and that He hears the needed affirmations of our hearts. (Not that I needed that validation to believe He was listening, but it sure does help!) Man, I am so grateful for your prayers! I won’t know about my lining until the day of transfer (4 days away! AH!) but I am praying its exactly here God wants it to be. The nurse did call and let me know we are still on schedule for the transfer; however, my estradiol levels are very low. Not low enough to cancel the transfer, but low enough to require some more serious prayers.

I was so busy giving you a medical update last post that I forgot to mention all the exciting things that have been going on in our lives since July started! Here you go:

We celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary. Here’s a few pictures from that special day in 2005!

We were able to sneak away for the overnight, penny-paid-for staycation! We had SUCH a blast. We walked around the city and spent some time in Barnes and Nobles hunting for Waldo’s and Wenda’s. We stopped at Candyland for a treat and enjoyed dinner out. We laughed, had breakfast in bed and didn’t talk about IVF or infertility. It was lovely.

a brief look at our weekend!

never afraid to be silly!

Then Josh celebrated his birthday – the big 3-1! We had some friends over for a BBQ and of course, ice cream cake.

from Cali :)

His one request every birthday!

I grew up close to Six Flags Great America in Chicago and have been longing to ride a rollercoaster recently. Not since my senior year, Mr. Rink’s physic class trip have I gone! I knew that once I am pregnant (God willing!), roller coasters would be out of the question, probably for a while, so my sister and I snuck away to Valley Fair for a day at the amusement park. Now, no, the roller coasters aren’t Six Flags quality, but once there, I also realized that my stomach no longer is 16, so the quicker less intense rides were greatly appreciated! Still, I managed to have the need to spend some time on a bench waiting for the world to stop spinning and the highlight of our day was going around and around (and around and around) the lazy river. I don’t know how, but I managed to get flipped so if you ever want to know what it’s like to be upside down in 3 feet of water, just ask me.

I finished the last of my tummy shots (and hope that it’s the last ones for a lonnnggg time) and just started PIO booty shots! (Progesterone in Oil) Not so fun, but SOOO worth it knowing the medicine will hopefully help me carry a full term baby! (Again God willing). We took this silly shot last night with the first injection – the first of ones that will hopefully last every night for the next 15 weeks.

Hopefully the last time I will need to see this in a while!

Infertility is literally a pain in the butt. HA! (Hey, can’t lose our sense of humor in all this, can we??)

All in all, life is good. I am constantly re-reminded of the words in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NLT) “Always be joyful. Always keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ.” I am sure we can all reflect back on the troubles in life, the hardships and the frustrations. But the words of Christ have never been more true – Always be joyful. It can seem so hard to find that joy sometimes but I learn and experience more and more each day that our joy is not to be rooted in our wants or desires, our successes and our victories. They are simply to be rooted in Him. Joyful always. No particular circumstances required.

I played book roulette the other night – you know, that game I love, where I flip to something, in this case a page, and whatever is on the page is meant for me to read at that moment. The words pierced my heart and renewed my spirit: “Today we suffer. Today we don’t understand….Someday all the scattered, broken pieces will fall into place, and we will suddenly understand the hand of God has been upon us all the time. All the tragedy – all the darkness – will instantly be swallowed up by triumph. What a perfect ending to our imperfect stories!”

I love that. He wipes every tear from our eyes, He holds us so close. I have to chose to believe that if I knew everything He knew, that I would chose this exact same journey for us. We are more than conquers in Christ Jesus.

So please join us in praying for a few things this week:

1 – complete peace in our hearts that this transfer is God’s timing despite the less than ideal circumstances of last Friday’s doctors appointment;

2- that my lining is perfectly where God wants it to be and that my estradiol levels raise to a point where pregnancy is possible and sustainable;

3 – that our embryos thaw perfectly. (We won’t find out their status until Thursday morning when we arrive to the clinic);

4 – that the transfer goes well on Thursday, exactly according to God’s will; and

5 – that our hearts will be filled with joy, peace, and encouragement as we step down this emotionally overwhelming path again.

We are so blessed to call you our friends and supporters. He has placed you in our lives for a reason and we are ever so thankful for that!

emotions.

July 12, 2013July 12, 201316 Comments

My transfer is scheduled to be next Thursday! Already! Can you believe it? I am amazed at how much easier the frozen cycles are than the fresh cycles. Granted, I feel like the fresh cycles went faster – perhaps it’s because you are constantly at the doctor and things are very active – while on this, it’s basically an easy shot once a day, several pills and only 3 doctors’ appointments from start to transfer. As I have said before, the FET cycle is broken into 2 stages – 1: suppressing your ovaries and thinning out the uterine lining then 2: keeping the ovaries suppressed while thickening the lining for transfer.

While this cycle is technically A different type of IVF (frozen vs fresh), I feel like I know my body and the medications well enough to know what to expect, what’s “normal” for me and what’s not. What’s been normal for me in the past is to have a stellar lining, no spotting when I am not suppose to be, and relatively low estradiol levels. I figured this frozen cycle would be a great match for that because 1: you need good, thick lining, 2: spotting typically hurts the lining because its shedding it and 3: I am on enough estradiol pills to make a man squeak.

However earlier this week, I started spotting. Which is really weird for me because that’s not normal. And I shouldn’t be spotting at this point. I passed phase 1 and was in phase 2 – my lining is supposed to be thickening, not thinning. After a few calls to my nurse and a few responses of “wait till your ultrasound on Friday, anything is normal”, I still felt uneasy.

Brief medical talk – my lining has typically been between 11 mm and 13 mm. The minimum threshold for “good” lining is 7 mm and they would like to see it preferably at 8 mm. So far I have been able to welcome my embryos with a nice plush lining. However, today, they let me know it was only at 8 mm. Dang.

It doesn’t surprise me. I have been spotting for 5 days now. But why? They did some inspecting and found no fluid in my uterus or ovaries, which is good. Which means they have no reason to suspect any issues have arisen and want me to proceed with the transfer. They drew labs for blood work and will call me this afternoon. I have a hard time believing that my estradiol levels are high enough when my lining isn’t even that thick. So I will keep waiting for that call and hope it brings some direction to my confused mind.

I feel like I don’t really have any answers right now. I am asking for prayers that the spotting stops, that my lining supernaturally thickens up over the next week and that I would have peace. I feel like something is “off” and that’s hard to sit with when the doctor and nurses tell you everything is fine. They are having me start another shot tomorrow night (the big progesterone in oil booty shot – OUCH!) and antibiotics on Monday to prepare for the Thursday transfer. But it’s all just not sitting right.

My emotions are a bit all over right now.

Hope – I truly believe that God can do anything and have Hope that if this cycle is meant to be, then it will happen. I know God can do amazing stuff. I love the story of Jesus, Martha, Mary and Lazarus. Here you have Martha and Mary, mourning the death of their brother for 4 days when Jesus finally shows up. Martha knows her brother is dead and I love what she says to Jesus: “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask.” Even with her brother dead – she still had the faith to ask and the Hope that God would answer her prayers. I am doing my best to carry that hope with me into the week.

Uncertainty – I just don’t know why things are so different this cycle. As Josh positively reminded me, based on the fact that we don’t have a baby right now – maybe different is good. But to me, it just has created an unsettled feeling in my stomach. Something doesn’t feel right.

Excitement – if all goes well, and the transfer does happen, then I could potentially be pregnant with one or two babies in a matter of weeks. That is exciting! Visualizing it working and having that moment of pure joy is so exciting to look forward to.

Fear – … but what if it doesn’t work. I know Josh and I will be okay and manage. We have done just that thus far and God has partnered with us to provide us a strength that we never could imagine. However, the dread of this not working out makes me scared.

Irritation – Ok, God, honestly, I LOVE that you are answering peoples prayers left and right! You got a job! You got pregnant! Baby was healthy! You won a scholarship! You were gifted a car! You found a house! You got the parking spot you needed! You were healed! You got that raise/promotion! God, it’s GREAT that you are hearing all of them, but HELLO! What about us? How come everyone else seems to have their prayers answered but us?

Sorrow – This wait is still hard. It’s still difficult to see families. It’s getting harder and harder to know how long this has gone on for and to still have that ache in my heart. I feel sad as my September due date approaches. I am heavy-hearted as many January due date announcements start to pop up. I want that to be me so badly.

Peace – There is a stillness in my heart that reminds me that no matter what happens, whether this transfer happens or doesn’t, it works or doesn’t, we have children or we don’t, that we will be okay. That God will still be glorified and that our life and story will still be used for His good. We will survive this.

Gratitude – I am surrounded by YOU. The most incredible supporters I could ever imagine. Your prayers are priceless, your encouragement invaluable. To my real life friends and family – your personal interactions with Josh and I, your support, your meals and your love mean so much. To my TTC Instagram friends, you have been an amazing support system in my life. I will likely never meet many or any of you – but not a day goes by that I don’t get a card in the mail with encouragement from you, or tagged in a picture with a verse of encouragement, or have the mailman bring a small care package to my door. You are truly such a blessing to me.

Shame – I still hate that I have bad days. I hate that I have moments when being around kids, even family, is so hard. I feel guilty that I can’t just seem to “get over it” and rest completely in the peace that God has a plan that is better than the one I imagine for myself.

Blame – I know that’s not necessarily an emotion but if it was, I am feeling it. I want to be mad at my acupuncturist. I NEVER had spotting or lining issues before I started acupuncture. Could this be related? Maybe or maybe not, but it feels better to funnel that frustration there.

More gratitude – for so much patience that others have with me. My waves of emotions are difficult for even me to try to carry and process with God. I feel like others must be so sick of hearing about this, and yet, they still listen and care.

Determination – I don’t want to give up. I may have to take a break after this to rebuild some fight but I know that God will honor this desire in my heart SOME WAY because He is the creator that has PUT the desire in my heart. So until that changes, I won’t give up.

Exhaustion – Never knowing what is ahead of me has become tiring. I am so thankful to be held by God in this journey but my heart is tired. I am watching the time tick by, ourselves becoming older. This is tiring.

As you can imagine, my brain is on overdrive. But my hearts prayer is that God remembers us. The Bible demonstrates time and time again, that in the toughest times, in the longest waits, when God calls us towards a path, He will honor it. It may seem like the delay is too great. His silence to our prayers, too long. But He remembers. “But God remembered Noah.” (Genesis 8:1a) He will remember us.

waiting with Him.

July 2, 20138 Comments

Gulp. I really don’t know how so much time passes between blog entries sometimes. I appreciate those of you who scold me and tell me to write. It reminds me that you rely on these to direct your prayers but also, it helps you know how we are doing without feeling like you are constantly asking. So thank you for pestering me to sit down and blog.

Let’s see…today is Josh’s and my 8^th anniversary! It seems like just yesterday we were saying “I do”. Fast forward to today and I continue to feel so blessed and honored to be his wife and to have the marriage that we do. Infertility can do nasty things to marriages and I am so grateful that it has drawn us closer and closer together, reminding us always that our foundation needs to be firmly rooted in HIM. I never thought our journey in life would be as such, but I find so many joys and blessings in these hard times, because it reminds me that these “tough times” bring us closer to God and to each other. We both feel uniquely blessed with our burden of infertility.

I have been through 6 rounds of acupuncture and while I still struggle to relax, have found it to be oddly therapeutic. I have had her dwindle the 45 minutes of “quiet time” down to 20 minutes and now find it possible to actually enjoy the quiet. And … I think it’s working. Which is hard to say because I am/was a little skeptical. But 15 days into shots later … I have YET to have a hot flash OR headache caused by the Lupron. In the IF (infertility) world, many call Lupron the “medicine of the devil” because – well, it seems that way. The side effects are awful but this time, I can honestly say that I have had NO SIDE EFFECTS. Not one. Praise God! I consider it to be a huge answered prayer.

I had a doctor’s appointment on Friday which is what is called a “baseline” appointment. After being on shots for 10 days, they make sure everything is suppressed and quiet and all hormone levels are low. Prayers were answered and everything went perfect during that appointment and we were given the “OK” to start adding new meds to my daily regimen. I did experience my first headache caused from these new hormones on both Saturday night and Sunday night so will talk to my acupuncturist today to see what we can do about those. But otherwise with the exception of a little extra tiredness, I wouldn’t even know I was midst a cycle.

16 days till our transfer. Can you believe it?? July is our month.

The word “hope” keeps coming up a lot lately. It’s a powerful word. Someone recently told me (and I wish I could remember who so I could give them credit!) that we are not called to Hope in what God can or will do for us. We are simply told to Hope in God. Put our hope in HIM, not in His power. Strong words.There are lyrics by Natalie Grant that say “But our hope endures the worst of conditions. It’s more than our optimism.” When I heard that, I had to stop and think. I feel like so often in our Christian walk, we do consider hope to be our optimism in Christ. But it’s so much more than that. I recently read: “The biblical definition of hope is “confident expectation.” Hope is a firm assurance regarding things that are unclear and unknown. The righteous who trust or put their hope in God will be helped, and they will not be confounded, put to shame, or disappointed. The righteous who have this trustful hope in God, have a general confidence in God’s protection and help and are free from fear and anxiety.” Hmm, true hope in God is being confident enough to trust in Him completely, so completely that fear and worry have no place in our heart. Am I truly, fully hoping in Him?

Romans 8:24-25 says this: “We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.” Patience and confidence. Waiting and hope. Key words that affect many of our lives.

In Jesus Calling last month, there was a sentence that stuck out to me: Wait patiently with Me while I bless you. Who caught that key word? With. So often we think He is saying “Wait patiently for Me.” But isn’t it quite the opposite – He is waiting WITH us. And how sad it is that we want to rush through that time of waiting with Him to have our own earthly satisfactions? If you were living in Bethlehem when Jesus was walking on earth and He said, “Come wait with me.”, how amazing would that be? To sit in the presence of God and wait? Anything could be put on hold just to have that time with Him! Well, isn’t it true that we all have that opportunity in our own times of wait? He’s clearly telling us – Not now. It will come. In the meantime, wait patiently with Me. I feel silly that I want to rush through this time. This is the time to be savored! Waiting with Jesus? Nothing could be better. This is the time where we learn the most.

So what’s He saying to you? “Wait patiently with Me while these challenges of life pass.” or “Wait patiently with Me while you wait for a job offer.” Wait patiently with Me as you battle infertility.” Or “Wait patiently with Me as you strive to strengthen your marriage.” “Wait patiently with Me as you deal with financial concerns.” Or “Wait patiently with Me as you battle this disease.” Wait WITH Him. Stop waiting FOR Him. He is already there.

I have a new favorite Bible verse – it’s become the motto of this cycle for me. It’s Micah 7:7: As for me, I look to the Lord for help. I wait confidently for God to save me, and my God will certainly hear me. (NLT) I love the Message version of it too – But me, I’m not giving up. I’m sticking around to see what God will do. I’m waiting for God to make things right. I’m counting on God to listen to me.

We are not giving up. We are confident that God hears us. And in the meantime, we are waiting patiently with Him.

So, major praises are in order that I haven’t ended up on anyone’s lawn yet this cycle. I hope that the minimal side effects continue! I have to thank everyone for the continued love, prayers, packages and support you have offered to Josh and I. Many of you have been on this journey with us a LONG time. In fact, just the other day I saw in my One-Line-a-Day journal that it was (now) over 4 years ago that we had our first infertility appointment at the doctor after TTC for a while unsuccessfully. 4 years of medication, over 4 years of trying. So many friends have met their spouse, gotten married, and had a child or two already in that time frame. It was a shocking reminder of how long this journey has been. And yet, so many of you have stayed faithful in prayer for us during this time and it blesses my heart every single time I think about it. So thank you. Thank you for the continued comments and likes. For following along with us, praying for us, texting me encouragement spontaneously. These “little things” are HUGE things to me.

I will check in sooner next time! Until then ….