emotions.

My transfer is scheduled to be next Thursday! Already! Can you believe it? I am amazed at how much easier the frozen cycles are than the fresh cycles. Granted, I feel like the fresh cycles went faster – perhaps it’s because you are constantly at the doctor and things are very active – while on this, it’s basically an easy shot once a day, several pills and only 3 doctors’ appointments from start to transfer. As I have said before, the FET cycle is broken into 2 stages – 1: suppressing your ovaries and thinning out the uterine lining then 2: keeping the ovaries suppressed while thickening the lining for transfer.

While this cycle is technically A different type of IVF (frozen vs fresh), I feel like I know my body and the medications well enough to know what to expect, what’s “normal” for me and what’s not. What’s been normal for me in the past is to have a stellar lining, no spotting when I am not suppose to be, and relatively low estradiol levels. I figured this frozen cycle would be a great match for that because 1: you need good, thick lining, 2: spotting typically hurts the lining because its shedding it and 3: I am on enough estradiol pills to make a man squeak.

However earlier this week, I started spotting. Which is really weird for me because that’s not normal. And I shouldn’t be spotting at this point. I passed phase 1 and was in phase 2 – my lining is supposed to be thickening, not thinning. After a few calls to my nurse and a few responses of “wait till your ultrasound on Friday, anything is normal”, I still felt uneasy.

Brief medical talk – my lining has typically been between 11 mm and 13 mm. The minimum threshold for “good” lining is 7 mm and they would like to see it preferably at 8 mm. So far I have been able to welcome my embryos with a nice plush lining. However, today, they let me know it was only at 8 mm. Dang.

It doesn’t surprise me. I have been spotting for 5 days now. But why? They did some inspecting and found no fluid in my uterus or ovaries, which is good. Which means they have no reason to suspect any issues have arisen and want me to proceed with the transfer. They drew labs for blood work and will call me this afternoon. I have a hard time believing that my estradiol levels are high enough when my lining isn’t even that thick. So I will keep waiting for that call and hope it brings some direction to my confused mind.

I feel like I don’t really have any answers right now. I am asking for prayers that the spotting stops, that my lining supernaturally thickens up over the next week and that I would have peace. I feel like something is “off” and that’s hard to sit with when the doctor and nurses tell you everything is fine. They are having me start another shot tomorrow night (the big progesterone in oil booty shot – OUCH!) and antibiotics on Monday to prepare for the Thursday transfer. But it’s all just not sitting right.

My emotions are a bit all over right now.

Hope – I truly believe that God can do anything and have Hope that if this cycle is meant to be, then it will happen. I know God can do amazing stuff. I love the story of Jesus, Martha, Mary and Lazarus. Here you have Martha and Mary, mourning the death of their brother for 4 days when Jesus finally shows up. Martha knows her brother is dead and I love what she says to Jesus: “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask.” Even with her brother dead – she still had the faith to ask and the Hope that God would answer her prayers. I am doing my best to carry that hope with me into the week.

Uncertainty – I just don’t know why things are so different this cycle. As Josh positively reminded me, based on the fact that we don’t have a baby right now – maybe different is good. But to me, it just has created an unsettled feeling in my stomach. Something doesn’t feel right.

Excitement – if all goes well, and the transfer does happen, then I could potentially be pregnant with one or two babies in a matter of weeks. That is exciting! Visualizing it working and having that moment of pure joy is so exciting to look forward to.

Fear – … but what if it doesn’t work. I know Josh and I will be okay and manage. We have done just that thus far and God has partnered with us to provide us a strength that we never could imagine. However, the dread of this not working out makes me scared.

Irritation – Ok, God, honestly, I LOVE that you are answering peoples prayers left and right! You got a job! You got pregnant! Baby was healthy! You won a scholarship! You were gifted a car! You found a house! You got the parking spot you needed! You were healed! You got that raise/promotion! God, it’s GREAT that you are hearing all of them, but HELLO! What about us? How come everyone else seems to have their prayers answered but us?

Sorrow – This wait is still hard. It’s still difficult to see families. It’s getting harder and harder to know how long this has gone on for and to still have that ache in my heart. I feel sad as my September due date approaches. I am heavy-hearted as many January due date announcements start to pop up.  I want that to be me so badly.

Peace – There is a stillness in my heart that reminds me that no matter what happens, whether this transfer happens or doesn’t, it works or doesn’t, we have children or we don’t, that we will be okay. That God will still be glorified and that our life and story will still be used for His good. We will survive this.

Gratitude – I am surrounded by YOU. The most incredible supporters I could ever imagine. Your prayers are priceless, your encouragement invaluable. To my real life friends and family – your personal interactions with Josh and I, your support, your meals and your love mean so much. To my TTC Instagram friends, you have been an amazing support system in my life. I will likely never meet many or any of you – but not a day goes by that I don’t get a card in the mail with encouragement from you, or tagged in a picture with a verse of encouragement, or have the mailman bring a small care package to my door. You are truly such a blessing to me.

Shame – I still hate that I have bad days. I hate that I have moments when being around kids, even family, is so hard. I feel guilty that I can’t just seem to “get over it” and rest completely in the peace that God has a plan that is better than the one I imagine for myself.

Blame – I know that’s not necessarily an emotion but if it was, I am feeling it. I want to be mad at my acupuncturist. I NEVER had spotting or lining issues before I started acupuncture. Could this be related? Maybe or maybe not, but it feels better to funnel that frustration there.

More gratitude – for so much patience that others have with me. My waves of emotions are difficult for even me to try to carry and process with God. I feel like others must be so sick of hearing about this, and yet, they still listen and care.

Determination – I don’t want to give up. I may have to take a break after this to rebuild some fight but I know that God will honor this desire in my heart SOME WAY because He is the creator that has PUT the desire in my heart. So until that changes, I won’t give up.

Exhaustion – Never knowing what is ahead of me has become tiring. I am so thankful to be held by God in this journey but my heart is tired. I am watching the time tick by, ourselves becoming older. This is tiring.

As you can imagine, my brain is on overdrive. But my hearts prayer is that God remembers us. The Bible demonstrates time and time again, that in the toughest times, in the longest waits, when God calls us towards a path, He will honor it. It may seem like the delay is too great. His silence to our prayers, too long. But He remembers. “But God remembered Noah.” (Genesis 8:1a) He will remember us.

16 thoughts on “emotions.

  1. Sally says:

    All those feelings you’re experiencing are normal. I found the FET far easier than the fresh and my nurse said the frozen cycle has higher odds for getting pregnant. I’ve had 1 fresh BFN and a frozen BFP but miscarried due to ectopic pregnancy. We’re eager to go again as just knowing there’s hope for a positive keeps us going. Also that happiness finding out we had a BFP. Good luck will be praying for you!!!!

    • chels819 says:

      Thanks so much my friend! I truly appreciate it so much! I am praying that the higher odds for pregnancy are in my favor with this FET. :) Continuing to pray for you too! You are right, the positive and the hope keep us going! XOXO!

  2. sarena says:

    Thank you for your update Chelsea!

    Praying for Such an overwhelming sense of peace and understanding from the bottom of your toes to your head knowing that God has true power over the spotting. Remembering the story of 5 loaves and 2 fish developing in enough to feed a large crowd. Remembering the beauty of water flowing from His wound that He received in His side while He was on the cross. Remembering the fight He had when He was tempted for 40 days straight and said only His Father’s Words toward the tempter. Remembering the miles His disciples walked to bring His love to the cities around Him. Remembering the small victories of fewer headaches during acupuncture!!! He’s SO purposeful.

    Loving you!

    • chels819 says:

      Ahh, like salve to the soul. I keep rereading this over and over again. It’s a wonderful reminder of His power and the victories He has promised. Thank you for the reminder that acupuncture did bring some good and that He is purposeful. I need to write that down and tape it all over my house! Thank you so much Sarena for this message that my heart clearly needed to hear!!! Love you!

  3. Caroline says:

    Praying against the feelings of fear, shame etc as they are not from The Lord. God does it give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

    • chels819 says:

      AMEN! That is so true! I keep reminding myself that and trying to focus on the good, positive emotions that He is encouraging. I appreciate your prayers so much!

  4. Jaimee says:

    Thank you for sharing your emotions! Every one is valid & it’s so good you acknowledge each one! PRAYING like crazy that this cycle works out…that you will get to grow a baby or two!!!

  5. Allison says:

    I pray you have peace and comfort throughout the remainder of this cycle (and much, much longer!). I must say that my emotions mirror yours and I could not have put it into words anywhere near how well you did. Just are an amazingly strong woman who deserves the best. Please know that we will continue to pray for you and Josh and your beautiful embryo(s). This is your cycle! Lots of love coming your way.

    PS.. I really wish we could meet :)

    • chels819 says:

      Thanks so much Allison! Peace and comfort are exactly the emotions I want to feel right now when I think about it! I am so grateful for your support and prayers and I wish we could meet too!! <3

  6. Olga says:

    Just wanted to comment on the IM estradiol injections. Believe it or not, but once I got a hang of it, I almost enjoyed doing it every 3rd evening! The key is a very warm heating pad right after the shot and resting for about 5 minutes. It really isn’t so bad! They had me do it until they saw the baby’s heart beat :) I am really praying that you will get to that point this cycle! May God send you a baby(-ies)!!!

    • chels819 says:

      Olga thanks for the tip about the heating pad for the IM injection! I actually will be doing the progesterone injections nightly for what HOPEFULLY is the next 14-15 weeks! (1st trimester). I am so appreciative of your prayers! And I am SO excited you got to see baby’s heartbeat! What a blessing! Continuing to pray for your pregnancy!!

    • chels819 says:

      Thanks Cindy! I am so grateful that it is still a great number. And congratulations! It’s so good to hear of others successes! I felt like my expectations were just different, but that is a bad thing so I am cheering and celebrating with whatever I have! :) Thanks for reading!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s