Once again our hearts sit shattered at our feet. Every cycle, I envision writing THE entry. The one where we get to share good news. I so thought this cycle would be it. Everything about this cycle seemed right. The embryos were beautiful and strong. My body was at rest after not having to go through the difficult egg retrieval process. I added acupuncture this time. We were surrounded by an army of prayers. I felt pregnant. I was pregnant.
I just spent the last hour and a half writing a painfully detailed blog about the last week of our life. A story that included the highs (testing positive last Saturday) and the lows (not having the hormone levels hCg be where they should). The emotions (excitement, fear, worry, praise, joy, anxiety) and the 2WW symptoms (spotting, aches, tugs and pinches). But after my computer crashed, I don’t have the heart to rewrite it all. And maybe, its better that I don’t. Because all that would do is create pity for us. And we aren’t pity-us type of people.
Man, my heart hurts. To get the call yesterday telling us that our pregnancy is no longer viable and will result in a miscarriage broke our hearts. I can’t say that I wasn’t anticipating it to a degree. I feel like God prepared me for that outcome. I struggled in the days leading up to the final test, wondering if the uncertainty in my heart was the devil trying to cause fear and steal away my joy and praise, or if God was speaking gently and quietly telling me to be prepared. I am thankful that following the doctor’s confirmation of my pregnancy on Monday, that I was able to step back and simply enjoy being pregnant. For however long it lasted. I got to enjoy 4 and a half beautiful days as a confirmed Mom and Josh, a confirmed Dad. Those are special days that we will always treasure.
For now our hearts are heavy. Following the news I simply wept and just asked Why. Why is this happening again? 2 miscarriages in 7 months? Why do we have to continue to struggle? Why have we been chosen to ache? Why can’t we become parents? The whys soon became I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I wept so hard and repeated it so much I think Cali may soon be able to say the phrase.
In my weeping, I was quietly reminded that our joy can’t come from things on this earth. My heart was filled with peace when I remembered that truly, His grace is enough for me. His power made perfect in my weakness. He is good ALL the time. Not some of the times. “I wait patiently for the Lord to help me and He turned to me and heard my cry.” (Psalm 40:1) I feel confident that our cries are being heard. The night before we found out we were pregnant, I woke up around 3 am and felt this incredible joy. I knew we were testing in the morning and all I could feel was God being so excited for the morning to come. For us to have the moment of having a positive pregnancy test and for Him to be a part of it. I didn’t even know at that point that I was pregnant, but I just felt God’s genuine excitement to bless us. And opposite to that moment, I feel His incredible sadness along side us now. I don’t resent Him for this outcome. I trust in His promises of plans to prosper us and give us a hope and a future. So with that promise tucked close to our heart, we continue to wait.
Our hearts feel slightly numb, a mixture of shock, denial and a lack of surprise. (I feel like throughout this process, you become accustom to bad news). We prayed this was it. We had so many others share dreams and words and prayers and affirmation that they too felt like this was it. I hate knowing that April 5th will now come and go, another due date to add to the calendar. I don’t know what’s next for us. To have 2 early losses isn’t normal and I would like to undergo some recurrent miscarriage testing to see if there are causes that we could prevent. I have to continue to follow this miscarriage through to completion, which is the most painful part emotionally and physically. Since I have not yet begun the physical piece of miscarriage, by doctors orders I have to finish my medications and shots and have blood work every 2 days to follow the numbers through to negative. This next week or two will be very hard for us.
Us. So often the woman is the recipient of the sympathies as its her body that physically lost the baby. But I have to say, in miscarriages, don’t forget the dad too. He lost his baby as well. Josh has been so strong and supportive throughout all of this. On the days I was anxious and discouraged, he stayed positive and optimistic. While I have been couch bound most of the last 2 weeks, he cooked my meals, cleaned the kitchen, did the laundry and helped with every tiny task. And now, while I sit at home, processing what has happened, he has to go back to work, with equal grief in his heart but as a man, is expected to be strong. Please be praying not only for me, but for my amazing husband as well.
One thing I know, “Grief is not the opposite of faith. Mourning is not the opposite of hope.” (Hannah’s Hope). While we grieve and mourn, we still hang on tight to our faith and hope. I’m not sure how long it will take to gather the pieces this time or what step we will take next. But until we are holding our child in our arms, this battle is not yet over.