In the words of Tyrone Wells, “Momma always said that hate was a strong, strong word. Poppa always said that words of hate should never be heard. But I’m getting older and I just cannot lie, there are things I hate, no matter how hard I try.”
I hate infertility.
I hate waiting for THE call.
I hate hearing the words “Chelsea, I am sorry to tell you that you are not pregnant.”
I hate even though my heart knew, my body has a physical reaction to the words.
I hate saying goodbye to Frostie before I even got to say hello.
I hate the tears. And I hate that they continue to replenish, even when you are certain there can be no more left.
I hate feeling this hopeless.
I hate wondering if the power of prayer works.
I hate questioning why God is bringing us through this miserable journey, only to break our hearts over and over and over and over again.
I hate that I don’t think I can fight this anymore.
I hate that I feel like giving up. I hate that instead of continuing to walk through the fire, I want to lay on the floor and let it just destroy me already.
I hate that even though I know He has not forsaken us, I kind of feel like He has.
I hate that if we decide our hearts can handle this again, we have to come up with $20,000 and repeat the whole process again.
I hate that insurance doesn’t cover this. I hate that if I couldn’t breathe right, it would cover my nose job, or if I accidentally got pregnant, it would cover my abortion. Yet my insides are broken and they can’t even cover my blood work to figure out what might help.
I hate our den. It was supposed to be a nursery a long time ago.
I hate being strong. I hate being weak. I hate feeling crushed.
I hate feeling angry. So so angry. I hate feeling this confused. I hate crying out “why?”
I hate that I am already anxious about the Christmas card “Surprise! We are expecting!” announcements that seem to come in every year.
I hate that mature couples who should have a family will now feel bad about sending us said card, sharing their news.
I hate that my heart wants to be a mommy so bad and that no matter how hard I fight, no matter what we do, God hasn’t give us that life yet.
I hate the holidays. I hate that they are reminders of more and more years passing without children of our own to create memories with.
I hate that I miscarried on Christmas last year and now that day feels tainted. I hate that the song Frosty the Snowman will always bring back memories of this baby of ours.
I hate birthdays. I hate knowing everyone around me is growing older and older and my kids will never know THESE versions of them.
I hate disappointing the spirits of those around us. Family and friends that get so invested and have their hearts hurt with this news as well.
I hate feeling like God failed my expectations.
I hate that the sun is shining today.
I hate that there is no (legal) pill to take this pain away.
I hate that even though my heart will heal, it will never be the same again.
I hate that I know the “right” things to say to me right now, yet my heart is too broken to absorb it.
I hate that Cali won’t be around forever, thus I can’t just pretend like she is my forever child.
I hate making me people bad for me. I really just want to be a mom. I want to experience having my own child, raising them to love Jesus. Teaching them silly things. Loving them with everything we have.
I hate that people judge us for not adopting if we “really want a child that bad.”
I hate that my womb is broken. I hate how awful that feels.
I hate being defined by this. I hate never knowing what the future will hold. I hate that my life revolves/revolved about shots and timing, appointments and lists of dos and don’ts.
I hate that Miley Cyrus keeps sticking out her tongue.
I hate seeing people who don’t believe in the Giver of Life, be blessed with children. I hate opening my US Weekly only to see all these people in these sordid relationships, blessed with a baby.
I hate wondering if I am being punished for sins of my past, which then makes me doubt His forgiveness and mercy. I hate doubting His character.
I hate feeling sorry for myself when I know God’s gift of Jesus is all I really need.
I hate I can’t take a forgetfulness pill or have my memory of all of this erased.
I hate that Portillo’s is so far away, as an italian beef and cheese fries would be the perfect comfort food right now.
I hate that I can’t watch Josh as a daddy. He will be such an amazing dad. You should see him make children laugh and smile. I hate feeling guilty for not giving him children yet, even though he has never ever made me feel bad about that and constantly reassures me we are in this together.
I hate that I don’t have a job to distract myself with. I hate that He led me to quit in order to try to start our family.
I hate that as much as you try to empathize, unless you have been in our shoes, you’ll never really get it.
I hate that in hopeful spirits, I kept buying baby outfits. I hate having to hide them, knowing that I may never be able to use them.
I hate that I just don’t know what’s next for us.
I hate that my evening shots caused large numb spots on my thighs and butt.I hate that I have lost complete feeling about the side of a flattened basketball on my left side.
I hate being told “don’t give up.”
I hate that I can’t pray for myself right now.
But with all that hate, there are many things I am grateful for and I don’t want them to go unnoticed:
I am thankful that we were spared a miscarriage and potentially another blood level nightmare.
I am thankful that those who prayed for Frostie, will continue to pray for us now.
I am thankful that when I am sad, Cali won’t leave my side.
I am thankful that even when I am so angry, the radio songs still play songs of His praises and my lips can still form the words even if my voice is gone.
I am thankful that even as I type this, I feel Him with me.
I am thankful that regardless of my heartbreak, my soul still knows He is a good God. Experience has shown He is to be trusted, even though its so so hard.
I am thankful that I don’t have to question if it was something I did that resulted in a negative result. I know if it was meant to be, it would have been, regardless.
I am thankful that God knows every one of our embryos by name. All 20 that have been created, including those 7 which I was blessed enough to temporarily carry.
I am thankful in advance for your kind words and appreciate your understanding that I may not be able to reply for a while.
I am thankful for my husband. For my home. For our health. For our families. For our church. For my small group. For my TTC community.
I am thankful for music. It is a tender therapy and the words to “Praise You in the Storm” by Casting Crowns and “Even If” by Kutless will bring us much comfort in the time to come.
I am thankful that I can turn over my fear to Him and receive His perfect peace. Right now its me that needs to move closer to Him, He hasn’t left me.
I am thankful tonight I can take a sleeping pill and hopefully fall into a deep sleep to make up for the many sleepless nights lately.
I am thankful for the reminder that God doesn’t make us wait just to torture us. (Thank you Caroline for your blog post this morning, reminding me of that.)
I am thankful for soft tissues to soak up the tears.
This hurts. This hurts so badly. “How can you mend a broken heart. How can you stop the rain from falling down? How can you stop the sun from shining? ….Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.” I feel so weak. I want this all to just go away. Please, if you could, say a prayer for us. For healing, for guidance, for direction and for contentment in this season. For our Lord to come intimately close to us, and for us to draw close to Him so that we may feel His comfort and praise Him in this storm. We are done for a while. It’s time for a much needed break. More lost time but perhaps some answers to what our future may hold.
In the words of my last blog post, “Lord, please give me the assurance that you are present and capable of whatever our future holds. Amen.”