In the words of Tyrone Wells, “Momma always said that hate was a strong, strong word. Poppa always said that words of hate should never be heard. But I’m getting older and I just cannot lie, there are things I hate, no matter how hard I try.”
I hate infertility.
I hate waiting for THE call.
I hate hearing the words “Chelsea, I am sorry to tell you that you are not pregnant.”
I hate even though my heart knew, my body has a physical reaction to the words.
I hate saying goodbye to Frostie before I even got to say hello.
I hate the tears. And I hate that they continue to replenish, even when you are certain there can be no more left.
I hate feeling this hopeless.
I hate wondering if the power of prayer works.
I hate questioning why God is bringing us through this miserable journey, only to break our hearts over and over and over and over again.
I hate that I don’t think I can fight this anymore.
I hate that I feel like giving up. I hate that instead of continuing to walk through the fire, I want to lay on the floor and let it just destroy me already.
I hate that even though I know He has not forsaken us, I kind of feel like He has.
I hate that if we decide our hearts can handle this again, we have to come up with $20,000 and repeat the whole process again.
I hate that insurance doesn’t cover this. I hate that if I couldn’t breathe right, it would cover my nose job, or if I accidentally got pregnant, it would cover my abortion. Yet my insides are broken and they can’t even cover my blood work to figure out what might help.
I hate our den. It was supposed to be a nursery a long time ago.
I hate being strong. I hate being weak. I hate feeling crushed.
I hate feeling angry. So so angry. I hate feeling this confused. I hate crying out “why?”
I hate that I am already anxious about the Christmas card “Surprise! We are expecting!” announcements that seem to come in every year.
I hate that mature couples who should have a family will now feel bad about sending us said card, sharing their news.
I hate that my heart wants to be a mommy so bad and that no matter how hard I fight, no matter what we do, God hasn’t give us that life yet.
I hate the holidays. I hate that they are reminders of more and more years passing without children of our own to create memories with.
I hate that I miscarried on Christmas last year and now that day feels tainted. I hate that the song Frosty the Snowman will always bring back memories of this baby of ours.
I hate birthdays. I hate knowing everyone around me is growing older and older and my kids will never know THESE versions of them.
I hate disappointing the spirits of those around us. Family and friends that get so invested and have their hearts hurt with this news as well.
I hate feeling like God failed my expectations.
I hate that the sun is shining today.
I hate that there is no (legal) pill to take this pain away.
I hate that even though my heart will heal, it will never be the same again.
I hate that I know the “right” things to say to me right now, yet my heart is too broken to absorb it.
I hate that Cali won’t be around forever, thus I can’t just pretend like she is my forever child.
I hate making me people bad for me. I really just want to be a mom. I want to experience having my own child, raising them to love Jesus. Teaching them silly things. Loving them with everything we have.
I hate that people judge us for not adopting if we “really want a child that bad.”
I hate that my womb is broken. I hate how awful that feels.
I hate being defined by this. I hate never knowing what the future will hold. I hate that my life revolves/revolved about shots and timing, appointments and lists of dos and don’ts.
I hate that Miley Cyrus keeps sticking out her tongue.
I hate seeing people who don’t believe in the Giver of Life, be blessed with children. I hate opening my US Weekly only to see all these people in these sordid relationships, blessed with a baby.
I hate wondering if I am being punished for sins of my past, which then makes me doubt His forgiveness and mercy. I hate doubting His character.
I hate feeling sorry for myself when I know God’s gift of Jesus is all I really need.
I hate I can’t take a forgetfulness pill or have my memory of all of this erased.
I hate that Portillo’s is so far away, as an italian beef and cheese fries would be the perfect comfort food right now.
I hate that I can’t watch Josh as a daddy. He will be such an amazing dad. You should see him make children laugh and smile. I hate feeling guilty for not giving him children yet, even though he has never ever made me feel bad about that and constantly reassures me we are in this together.
I hate that I don’t have a job to distract myself with. I hate that He led me to quit in order to try to start our family.
I hate that as much as you try to empathize, unless you have been in our shoes, you’ll never really get it.
I hate that in hopeful spirits, I kept buying baby outfits. I hate having to hide them, knowing that I may never be able to use them.
I hate that I just don’t know what’s next for us.
I hate that my evening shots caused large numb spots on my thighs and butt.I hate that I have lost complete feeling about the side of a flattened basketball on my left side.
I hate being told “don’t give up.”
I hate that I can’t pray for myself right now.
But with all that hate, there are many things I am grateful for and I don’t want them to go unnoticed:
I am thankful that we were spared a miscarriage and potentially another blood level nightmare.
I am thankful that those who prayed for Frostie, will continue to pray for us now.
I am thankful that when I am sad, Cali won’t leave my side.
I am thankful that even when I am so angry, the radio songs still play songs of His praises and my lips can still form the words even if my voice is gone.
I am thankful that even as I type this, I feel Him with me.
I am thankful that regardless of my heartbreak, my soul still knows He is a good God. Experience has shown He is to be trusted, even though its so so hard.
I am thankful that I don’t have to question if it was something I did that resulted in a negative result. I know if it was meant to be, it would have been, regardless.
I am thankful that God knows every one of our embryos by name. All 20 that have been created, including those 7 which I was blessed enough to temporarily carry.
I am thankful in advance for your kind words and appreciate your understanding that I may not be able to reply for a while.
I am thankful for my husband. For my home. For our health. For our families. For our church. For my small group. For my TTC community.
I am thankful for music. It is a tender therapy and the words to “Praise You in the Storm” by Casting Crowns and “Even If” by Kutless will bring us much comfort in the time to come.
I am thankful that I can turn over my fear to Him and receive His perfect peace. Right now its me that needs to move closer to Him, He hasn’t left me.
I am thankful tonight I can take a sleeping pill and hopefully fall into a deep sleep to make up for the many sleepless nights lately.
I am thankful for the reminder that God doesn’t make us wait just to torture us. (Thank you Caroline for your blog post this morning, reminding me of that.)
I am thankful for soft tissues to soak up the tears.
This hurts. This hurts so badly. “How can you mend a broken heart. How can you stop the rain from falling down? How can you stop the sun from shining? ….Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.” I feel so weak. I want this all to just go away. Please, if you could, say a prayer for us. For healing, for guidance, for direction and for contentment in this season. For our Lord to come intimately close to us, and for us to draw close to Him so that we may feel His comfort and praise Him in this storm. We are done for a while. It’s time for a much needed break. More lost time but perhaps some answers to what our future may hold.
In the words of my last blog post, “Lord, please give me the assurance that you are present and capable of whatever our future holds. Amen.”
Trials Bring Joy 
This sucks. It sucks that you have to feel this pain. It sucks that you have you endure such pain and put your dreams on hold once again. I pray that you find the peace and connection that you and Josh need to heal and find your life together again… it’s been too many agains. I pray that you find your love together and that God grants you the guidance you both desire.
Thank you for those prayers! We truly have felt enveloped in prayers and comfort when it doesn’t make sense. I am thankful for people who support our journey and can come along side us – like you! Sending hugs to you and the baby bump! :)
Chelsea, There are no words….
But I too am super sick of Miley Cyrus ‘ tongue
God is still good Love. Emily
Sent from my iPhone
Emily – thank you so much for your message and for caring. It’s greatly appreciated. <3
I am so sorry. I fear causing hurt or anger with unsolicited words of comfort. I want to answer to so many of the doubts and questions and anger you (temporarily) have for God, but I know you know those answers as well or better than I do. (I absolutely do not think I have all the answers, but I can relate to so many of the feelings you are having.) Thankfully He always takes up for himself and I don’t have to defend him – I am so inept.
Earlier this year, after an excruciatingly painful season in my life, God gave me some answers that made my hurt worth feeling. When we are in a season of extreme pain, like you are now, only during a time like that are we open to receive God’s glory, comfort & power like we never have before. We are open to receive far past anything He has ever done in our lives up to this point.
God has a special delivery in mind when His children suffer hardships. Not only will he rescue you, He already knows the special WAY that he will rescue you from the pain. He doesn’t just pull us out of a situation, He pulls us out to draw us near to Him – that is the point of His rescue. He allows us to experience a new level of relationship with Him that we have NEVER experienced before!
I believe God allows us to experience something so bad to PROVE his presence to us. For us to know that we could NOT have survived without Him. In my case, I had to suffer so badly so that He could pull me through it – and at the end, I know I could never have endured that level of pain without Him. I had asked Him countless times, “But, God, did it truly have to be THAT painful? To the point that I no longer wanted to be here?” and without a beat, I knew the answer was YES. His love was as rich to me as the hurt was poison – and I have only seen a glimpse of it.
I am praying for your comfort today – He loves you! <3
PS. I came across this a few weeks ago and it really spoke to me in my season of wait/TTC.
http://everybitterthingissweet.com/2013/08/playing-with-fire-for-the-one-who-is-waiting/
Thank you so much for your message and for the encouragement that you shared! These words were exactly what I needed to read Monday (and again today!) and agree so much that He already has such a special way planned to pull us out of this trial. What a powerful reminder. I truly am blessed with every word you wrote … thank you for sharing and speaking this truth to me!
Chelsea, I am giving you lots of hugs right now and praying you feel Jesus wrap you in His arms – that He blesses you with a peace that surpasses all understanding. I just know that He is catching every one of your tears right now. He is near. He has good plans. I am standing in faith with you and asking that your body would be aligned to God’s word and will. Hugs Hugs Hugs.
Caroline, those prayers and hugs were felt – we are so thankful for a God that truly can give us a peace that baffles even me right now. He cares so so so much. I am thanking God for your friendship and faith, it truly is a blessing. XOXO
Ditto to so much you’ve said here. {{hugs}}
Hugs back at you!!
Hello. My name is Richard and my wife Karen. We have gone through the same journey as you and your husband.
If you can please email and I can respond with our story and what God did for us just recently.
God bless
Hi Richard, thank you for your comment! I am always interested in hearing stories of how God is working! I have a Contact Me page on the blog, feel free to email me at any time! God Bless.
Oh honey Im sorry! I know how much it hurts. I know you’ll find the strenght to get up once again because you are a fantastic person! But for now just let those tears out and have some rest. Sending you a huge hug!
Isn’t it amazing when we can just pick ourselves up with renewed strength and keep moving forward? Our hearts are mighty. Thank you for the support!
Chels hun… gosh I love you. Im so sorry for this constant pain. I am always here for u. Mucho love hun… lauren_gervais
I am so thankful for your support sweetie!
Words cannot describe how truly sorry I am for you and Josh. I know nothing I say can make it any better, but please know that I am here for you always. I am sorry that you are hurting. My heart hurts for you. You are one of the strongest people I know. Let the tears fall. Cry it out. I honestly believe God has an amazing plan for you and Josh and this is just part of the path. Know that Matt and I love you both and that we are here for anything, always.. no matter what. Sending love, big bear hugs, and lots of prayers. XOXO
Thanks so much Allison. I truly feel like you have been such a rock and support to us throughout this cycle and am blessed to have you in our life, even from aware. We feel the prayers you pray for us and I am thankful we serve a God that has GREAT plans for us! Ones bigger than we can see or imagine. Love you! XOXO
Oh, Chelsea, no. My heart just broke when I saw your title. Not Frostie. I was hoping and praying right along with you. I am so, so sorry. The pain of loss is agonizing, and I know what it is like to pray that you will fall asleep and not wake up so you don’t have to deal with the pain of this. I am truly, truly aching with you. I haven’t gone through IVF, but I know the hopes and dreams of your baby and having that taken from you to be in the same place again. I can feel so many of your frustrations and feelings – even with God, with miracles, with prayer…so hard to understand, to figure out…even when we know the right answers. Still doesn’t make it hurt less. I pray that you will give yourself time and space to heal. For me, it is still taking a little while to feel close to God – and I couldn’t even really want to ask Him to comfort me. It just felt too raw… I couldn’t…but I was comforted to know that He is still with me. He wouldn’t leave me, even if I couldn’t bring myself to be near Him. Somehow, I know He will walk us through our grief. So much that we don’t understand…it’s awful. I have been saying these verses over and over again. It gives me the little comfort I am able to find: ‘Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.’ And ‘Those who sow in tears will reap in joy.’ I truly believe that some day our joy will be exponentially greater than all the tears of sorrow. We are sowing our tears, and we will have a harvest of joy. Someday. Hang in there, friend. Sending much love and prayers to you. I’m ‘here’ for you.
Oh sweet friend Kate – I have continued to be thinking and praying for you as your heart heals from this most recent loss (and tries to stay together against this entire battle against infertility). I can say with full confidence that He hears every cry we cry, He catches every tear that falls … He inches as closes to us as we let Him and He is excited to bring us that joy in the morning. I repeat the same words back to you … “Hang in there friend.” Sending you love and prayers and so thankful to have you walking with us on this path.
So. Sorry.
((hugs))
Chels… There are no words. Everything you said was true. Sending prayers to heal your heart and give you strength for each new day. Hugs!!
Thanks so much my friends. I have felt all those prayers and appreciate the support and hugs! Blessed by you.
I am crying for you and my heart is so heavy. Your blog has taught me to have faith again through this process. I’m sending prayers up for you.
What a blessing that is that my life’s lessons and struggles have taught you to have faith again. I mean it with the most sincerity when I say than its all been worth it. Truly. Lots of love.
I am sitting here a complete mess right now. I read your post but I feel I wrote it myself. My heart breaks for you right now. As much as I “hate” this post, I’m so glad you did. This is raw and real and completely relatable to a lot of us. This will suck for a while, hell, I still feel this way most of the time. I WILL say that over time, and a lot of hugs and kisses from your spouse, it will start to suck less. Sending you lots of hugs and support my love.
Katie – thank you for the love and support! I feel like this post was written in the most raw state and I hate that you can relate to it as well. I will continue to pray for you as well my dear.
I can feel your heartbreak just reading your words. Know that I am always here and I love you sooo much! :( I have prayed for you and will continue praying.
Thank you so much Allyson for those continued prayers and for the love sent! I am so very grateful for you!
I hate it too. I hate it for me. I hate it for you. I hate it for all of us. And when you run out of words for prayer or your breath is used up on crying, we will pray for you. He knows your heart even when it is breaking. :-(
Ah, yes, indeed, He does always know our hearts cries, even when we don’t have those words ourselves. Thank you for your prayers. It means a lot. <3
My heart breaks for you, I wish I could take away your pain, a pain we know too well. You are a strong woman and I admire you for that. You will be in my prayers <3
Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words, even though I don’t feel very strong. I pray for your FET and reunion tomorrow and pray your outcome is a sticky BFP!
Dear Chelsea,
I have been following your blog for several months now. It is very kind and generous of you to let people peek inside the most delicate and intimate part of your life. You are not only a great writer, but also a genuine and fragile human being. It hurts me to see what you are going through. IMHO, being so honest and public about it makes it only harder… I am truly sorry about everything you went through in these months!
I have been looking forward to reading your updates… You are, like i said, very brave and honest! The answer will come, believe me! Maybe it’s time to just spend some time only with your husband and The Lord in stillness and quietness. Don’t fall into addictive trap of endless attempts. Don’t let it become a drug of choice for you… Listen to where God is really trying to lead you. Don’t worry, you will be happy with HIS choice for your family. I am sorry if my words irritate the heck out of you. I truly care and I hate seeing you hurt again and again, deeper and deeper… Praying for you and your family!
Thank you so very much for this post. It came at a perfect time and was actually very much the “tough love” we needed to read to affirm what our hearts were feeling. “Don’t fall into addictive trap of endless attempts. Don’t let it become a drug of choice for you…” Those words spoke powerfully to our hearts and reiterated what we felt the Lord saying as well. Your words were spoken with love and right intent and did not “irritate the heck” out of me. Quite the opposite. It is a blessing to find someone who follows our journey and cares about our sorrows enough to speak whats on their heart, so for that, I thank you. God bless!
I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. You truly are a strong, strong person. Thank you for sharing.
Sending hugs and love.
<3 Oh hunny, I'm so so sorry. I am at a loss for words and just wish I could reach out and hug you, and just hang on tightly and cry with you. I wish i knew why this was happening. I wish I knew what lays ahead for you. I wish we weren't in this situation in the first place. It's just not fair. Please know I'm with you every step of the way in spirit. xoxo love you, Stace (luvbug7607 on IG) <3
Oh Stace – thank you so much for just being such a supportive and caring friend. It really means a lot. And I know you are in a tough place too and it sucks. But we will continue to hope and wait, knowing that good things are ahead! Love you lots!