less of me.

When life gets busy, hormones get weird and my brain feels fuzzy, all my emotions seem a bit short circuited. I am a little more weepy, a little more reactive, a little less patient. Can anyone else relate? If I am being honest, an ugly version of me comes out. One that offers less grace, less mercy, and a whole lot less benefit of the doubt. I somehow feel privileged to feel that way (whatever it is) because I am tired/hormonal/hungry/busy/”working on it”.

Reasons I have cried in the last week:

Church was starting. My favorite coffee mug was clean. This video. Ellen gave away a hundred million things to her audience for 12-Days of Giveaways. Child actors did a great job at a play I saw. The 19-pound jar of pickles from Costco didn’t break when it fell from the fridge onto the floor. Getting tons of mail this week from friends, just because.

Okay, so having an extra dose of sappy tears added to my face isn’t the worst thing. But it’s the other side of the coin that I don’t like.

It’s the way I muttered “COME ON!” to the lady slowly merging into my lane on the highway. (Really though, at a snail’s pace.) It’s the way I gave an exasperated sigh to the child who kept cutting me off in the busy aisles of Target. It’s the way I nearly trampled a man to get to this coffee table I am sitting at now. Rushed. Busy. A lack of patience.

This season especially, if you are anything like me, you are finding yourself rushed and busy, hopping from place to place, commitment to commitment, trying to cram in time to stop at the mall to buy that one gift, wrap all the presents (cutely of course, because they may show up in a picture and they have to be Pinterest perfect), and cram packages in the mail for distant family. My brain is chalk full of DON’T FORGET!!!!!!’s, and as a result I am seeing people a lot less. Really seeing people. You know, the kind of seeing people that looks behind their physical presence and takes a minute to stop and make eye contact, smile. I was paused particularly long at a stop sign on the way over (Where are all these people coming from!?!) when I noticed a man caught in the mass of moving crosswalk people. He reminded me of my dad, an ordinary man in his 50’s, in his khaki pants with his button up shirt, work lanyard around his neck. He walked with purpose (likely to cross the street because he could feel my inpatient stop sign rage) and his eyes looked a million miles away.

What was his story?

I stopped at the stop sign a bit longer than needed, temporarily caught up in the realization that each of these pedestrians had delicately woven lives. They have financial burdens, maybe going through a death of a family member or the stress of dealing with a wild child. They may be facing a diagnosis or are worrying about what will happen if their furnace stops working before month’s end.  The thing is, every person we encounter is going through something. And yet, me with my self-absorbed head, just keeps running around completely oblivious that a little extra grace and patience might just be what this person needs.

Our worship leader at church prayed these words recently and they have stuck with me – “Let us show others unnecessary kindness.”

Maybe that sales lady at Gap didn’t mean to give me a look and even if she did, the returned look back isn’t going to help matters. A smile in return may be just what she needs. (And sometimes even if kind gestures backfire, I can’t say I didn’t try.) Perhaps the slow-merging driver is just a nervous driver or distracted by the racing thoughts of her mind. Slowing down long enough to let her over and then not trying to prove a point with a dramatic slowdown isn’t really going to impact my day significantly. In fact, it’s showing a lot less of His love and only steals my joy as I let circumstances dictate my emotions.

I want my eyes to be open to others this Christmas season. I don’t want to find excuses for my attitude or the busyness. I want to move more in slow motion and less in fast forward, even if it means embracing the random tears and exuding more patience that I feel.

Right before I began typing this post, I scribbled these words in my prayer journal (not with the intention to share so ignore my messy handwriting, hehe):

FullSizeRender (1)

Less of me. More of Him. Less busy, more intentionality. We can do this. 15 days till Christmas, let’s enjoy them.

PS – Day 3 of letrozole today! Oh come on Lord … do your thing! Next appointment to check in on things is Monday the 15th. Keep us in your prayers. 


PPS – Have you had the time to check out my post on Fertility Authority yet? If not, help me out by clicking and reading today! Every click helps me reach my monthly goals :) Thanks!


16 thoughts on “less of me.

    • chels819 says:

      Karen, I absolutely loved your post! So glad you posted it so I could read it. What a brave way to share your something and do so with such vulnerability and grace. <3

  1. Caroline says:

    Thanks for this reminder girl! I did a post about this last year, but you said it much better! Less of me, more of Him!!!! I think that is what friendship is ALL about, being intentional!! That is how they thrive!

    PS I went and clicked again!!!!!

    • chels819 says:

      It’s so hard! And don’t be silly, there is no better or worse way to say what’s on our heart. It’s like a sandwich, sometimes you just like it better when someone else makes it. Hehe! Love it. Thanks my friend!

  2. Amie says:

    Wow this is so very true!!! Thank you for the reminder. I often see people when I am out and wonder what their story is, I need to do this more often. (I clicked a couple more times for you )

  3. samantha says:

    I totally feel you I have days like this many of times in my life. I know that God has a plan for us and our plans may not match his but we have to put our trust and faith in him. I know that he puts us in places for a reason that we may not know at this moment but with some patience he will guide us in what we need in your life. We just have to pray to him for the answers we are seeking at this time. I have a Christmas video that I love so much I hope you will watch it :http://www.mormon.org/christmas?cid=HPFR112814529 I hope you have a merry Christmas.

  4. chon says:

    I did a sneaky letrozole cycle this month. Would be nice but …. Anyway after no drugs for ages I did notice a spike in my emotions. It’s ok though don’t let it get to you x

  5. Elizabeth says:

    Great post. I’ve also been struggling to be more gracious and kind the past weeks. Have gone back to my morning pages and gratitude list. Clicking over now to read your Fertility Authority post. :)

    • chels819 says:

      Thanks for the comment and for checking out my other post too! It’s been a tough struggle to stay like Him and the morning gratitude list is a GREAT idea. Will be implementing again, I have let that slide! Thanks for sharing!

  6. Elizabeth says:

    Happened upon your post, and it brought tears to my eyes. I am now following your blog because it is so wonderful to find someone who is in the same place, even if I have never met you before. I wrote a short poem that I would like to share.

    This Christmas
    my hope is
    in a baby

    Not one created
    by strong pills
    and hormone shots

    But one born
    in a manager
    to a Virgin mother

    One who can
    take away my
    doubts and fears

    My trust
    is in Jesus
    this Christmas.

    Keep writing and praying! Merry Christmas and best wishes!

    • chels819 says:

      Oh this poem. <3 Brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this gift with me/us. Your words are powerful and touching. I am so thankful you stumbled across my post – creating a new friendship is a special thing! XO!

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