outcomes.

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“Your faith isn’t in the outcome you want, but is in the faithfulness of God.” -Pastor Craig Groeschel-

Outcomes aren’t always what we hope them to be are they? I heard the above quote this morning on a podcast and it reminds me that disappointing outcomes doesn’t mean that God isn’t faithful. Today our outcome wasn’t what we hoped. I read a paragraph in a book that said this – and it explains my reaction so perfectly. It said “…So now I just assume it won’t work and that if it does work, I’ll lose it anyway. This is meant to protect me, although it doesn’t, because somehow the hope sneakily finds its way in. I’m never aware of the hope until it’s gone, whooshed away like a rug pulled from under my feet, each time I hear another ‘I’m sorry.'” 

Whoosh.

I try to stay guarded, finding that delicate balance of Hope and practicality. Perhaps I am jinxing myself, doubting when I am supposed to be trusting. I’d like to believe God doesn’t work like that though. He knows the delicate fears of my heart, the terror of getting my hopes up. If I am being really honest, the deepest, smallest, most intimate part of my brain isn’t scared that He can’t do this (I am certain that He can), but it’s that He won’t.

Whenever those words of fear start to build “what if He won’t, what if He won’t, what if He won’t….”, running like a train going full speed in my brain, I have to stop. Sometimes screaming at my brain – STOP! The words screeching like the brakes on a metal track. Because those are the words of the devil, wanting to chip away at the Hope we have in Him, wanting to drain the reminders of His faithfulness, wanting to absorb the trust I have stocked up. Again, if I am being honest, I was more prepared for this outcome than if it were a positive result. My body and brain move on auto-pilot now. Negative. Bleeding. Cramps. Ouch. Ultrasound. Pills. Lather, rinse, repeat.

So today I am thankful for ibuprofen, a (brief) reunion with americanos, heating packs, and the loving encouragement and hope-filled words of friends still rooting for us. A new cycle of letrozole starts tomorrow. Let’s do this again. I’ve got it in me. The fight is still there, the desire is still there and more importantly, the calling is still there. So we keep marching. And waiting. 1 Samuel 14:6 “…Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the Lord…” Lord, we are asking you, again, to act on our behalf. Chance are You are doing just that and we can’t see it. Help my eyes to see what’s beyond me, not what’s in front of me. 

Onwards.

34 thoughts on “outcomes.

    • chels819 says:

      Thank you for comment and prayers! We keep fighting – I am amazed at the strength that He can provide us in our times of need. Continuing to try to cling to that when my human brain wants to pout. (and pout). Prayers are so appreciated! Hugs!

    • chels819 says:

      Praying for you right now Laura. I am so sorry for your outcome. Keep breathing in the peace that He has to offer — it’s so hard and yet so close. XO. I am so sorry for this cycle loss. :(

  1. Karen Barnes says:

    Chelsea – I am so sorry to hear your news. Do keep on hoping. God wants us to be in this delicate place where our desperate hope forces us into His lap as children pleading with their Father. It’s something I’ve learned over our own infertility journey. Have you read “Every Bitter Thing is Sweet” yet? I cannot recommend it highly enough. It helped feed my soul when I needed it most and re-awakened a hunger for God amidst the journey and pain. Prayers for your heart, your hope, and your continued fight!

    • chels819 says:

      You are the millionth person to mention that book to me this last week. I am going to be pulling out my Barnes and Nobles Christmas gift cards and making that purchase ASAP! Thank you for sharing that! I am encouraged by your words and prayers today. Thank you for the reminders to hope. <3

  2. mandaevey says:

    I did an IUI the week of Christmas and started my period Saturday morning.:( I feel he same way about guarded hope. Trying to be faithful and practical too; it’s difficult. Prayers to you as you continue another cycle. I feel your pain, cramps and heartache.

    • chels819 says:

      Oh I am so sorry we are on similar journey’s with similar outcomes this cycle. :( Sending you love and prayers as you heal physically and emotionally from the devastation of a failed cycle. Hugs upon hugs.

  3. Laine says:

    The paragraph from the book! YES! I just had a less than desired outcome from my first IVF and it rocked my world. After my first beta, it was low and I knew what was coming, but I still had hope. So sorry for your news, praying for the new cycle!

    • chels819 says:

      I am waiting to finish this book and see how it ends, but will ending up sharing on a Friday Favorites I’m sure! I am so sorry your first cycle had a poor outcome. :( Sending you prayers as you heal physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Hope in the right places won’t fail us … we keep moving forward don’t we? Take the time to mourn and celebrate your little(s) and know I will be doing the same for you. HUGS!

  4. mrsbrooks09 says:

    I’m so glad you are staying encouraged even when you want to just curl up in a ball. I am so sorry to hear the news, I am praying for you guys as you venture into round two of letrozole! XOX Hugs.

    • chels819 says:

      Thank you so much! The ball-curl position is a classic at this point, there should be an Olympic sport! Thanks for the encouragement. After so many rounds of IVF, it feels strange stepping back into the IUI cycles but I am hopeful that they will still prove successful. <3 XO! Hugs!

  5. theskyandback says:

    I’m sorry you did not get the outcome you desired. I’m feeling all the same things you are right now. It’s so hard to keep the faith and see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. I hope this next cycle is your lucky one!

    • chels819 says:

      Thank you for walking with us and I am so sorry for the similar feelings you are feeling right now. Holding your hope for you today and believing in brighter skies ahead. Much love.

  6. chon says:

    Well that just freaking blows. I had such high hopes :( fingers crossed for the next round. Those ovaries are working just fine – now they need to know what to do next xx

  7. jessicahiltz says:

    I am so sorry to hear this. I don’t have great words of wisdom…just a verse that has been special to me! Psalms 56:8…Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? ~Jessica

  8. Laura @ Making Baby Provence says:

    I am so sorry to hear this news. I was really hoping it was going to be different. I found out on December 19 that I would be having a miscarriage from IVF cycle 4. Your writing really encourages me to keep the hope. I appreciate you and your blog very much. *Hugs*

  9. vivagood says:

    Oh girl, I SO feel you on this one. I feel like the doubt was louder this month when my monthly friend showed up. I can hear that taunting in my ear too…that maybe He won’t. But I keep reminding myself that not only is He able but He is WILLING. This morning I read about how God’s faithfulness reaches to the sky. I think I needed that visual image.

    • chels819 says:

      Ahhh such a perfect comment for me to read today. THANK YOU! His faithfulness is so big and I let it slip from my mind far too often. As big as the sky … thank you. I hate the taunting but He is SO MUCH BIGGER! Lots of love!

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