relapse.

I hate relapsing.

That painful part in your journey when you suddenly find yourself falling 5 steps backwards, for no reason, and instead of feeling sad or tired, you feel angry. The kind of anger that burns your stomach and temporarily blinds you, like it’s a physical fury bubbling up through your veins.

Anger relapse is among the worst, for I would rather feel sad. At least when I feel sad I can be comforted. But no, anger is a different emotion. Anger makes me want to backhand anyone that heads into my path. My mind spews thoughts and words that can only be described as venomous. There is no logic with anger. I can understand the intent of everyone and still burn with anger. On my anger relapse days, I seethe. I am angry that I am still here, waiting, it’s been so long. I hurt. I am tired of my patience being tested. I am tired of being told just to trust God or that this will be worth the wait. These reminders on my Angry Days only bring frustration because don’t you think I know this?

I have moments where I want to go off on every person complaining on Facebook. Shut up! Don’t you realized how blessed you are? I am so sorry school is closed today and you have to spend time with your children. Boo frickin hoo.

I want to run around and find every piece of sugar, carbohydrates and gluten in my house and shove them in my mouth at a rapid fire pace. Don’t you see, none of this even matters? Still here. Still stuck right here.

I can’t answer my phone on days like today. My brain and lips are too closely connected. An innocent comment on the other end will only risk impulsive words being spoken.

On my Angry Days, the intensity of this emotion scares me. I am angry at myself, feeling foolish for the days I believe so fervently that this will one day happen. I feel angry that deep down, I still believe He is in control and has good, unpredictable yet perfect things planned for us. Even with that, it hurts so much … I feel angry that we keep getting passed, lapped, relapped, forgotten about. How is it so easy for some? And those it’s hard for, well, even they are making this look easy. (again “easy” – remember the logic factor is tossed on days like today.)

I am angry because I know how hypocritical all of this sounds. I am immediately slapped with guilt because I know we are the ones blessed. I know that every Facebook complaint I read has been echoed by a complaint of my own. Oh our house just doesn’t have a deck. Oh my husband has such chatty moments, always at the end of my cable tv show. Yes, my big tv, that I have to dust. Ugh. My life. It is so disgusting that I can even for a moment judge someone for complaining when I do it all the time. Add another anger coin to my stack, this time at myself.

I have two choices on Angry Days – feed the fire (let it burn baby, let it burn, let’s see how high we can get this flame) or douse it out. The later is less fun.

Feeding the fire: It’s been nearly 6 years. THEY have (1/2/3/4/5) children. WE don’t deserve this. THEY don’t appreciate their gifts, WE would appreciate it. That Superbowl commercial was insensitive, not everyone is a Dad. NO ONE GETS IT. I hate pity words, how dare they throw that insincere bandaid statement at me. This is never going to happen for us, is it? Have I just been strung along this whole time? Where have I missed the sign to get off this path? You know how many times we could have traveled Europe? My insurance sucks. How. Much. Longer.

Please tell me you have been here before. Oh it burns so bad. My anger isn’t directed at God, it’s a combination of anger at myself and then the rest residing in this cloud that is hovering above my head.

With the fury still burning in my heart (how could I forget my anger at my lame eggs, the eggs that clearly suck because we are still here), I do what any person trying to “douse the fire” does. I passively flip through my devotions, breeze over some Bible verses, completely uninterested in putting out the fire, because well, once the flames are flying high, the sizzle and heat feels strangely good and comforting.

But then, there it is. The verse that I was meant to read. Esther 4:14 “Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?”

Just like that, a splash. A gentle reminder that maybe, just maybe, I am allowed to struggle with infertility for just such a time as this. For such a time as to be able to be right here, right now, writing this post. I do believe that our skies will someday part and that I will be able to look back and think perhaps it was all for this. If I am being even more honest, reading this verse makes me angry too, because I know it is true and it really rains on my flame-raising thunder.

I’ve been given a bucket today, but the fire isn’t out. The bucket is now in my hands to slowly make the trip back and forth, from the watering hole to the fire, dousing out each flame, each smoldering coal that wants so badly to burn bright. The humanness in me wants to continue to add lighter fluid, yet the part of me that has to continue to fight knows that it’s time to let the flames tame down. Self control with my thoughts is so very hard.

Relapse days. They offer us such choices. But the anger, well, it is only hurting me. (And whoever crosses my path.) It brings damage to relationships, it pulls off the scab on my heart and it takes a lot longer to let the coals cool then to make them hotter. I don’t want to deal with burning coals tomorrow. I want to put this day behind me, oh so far behind me.

5 steps backwards but now it’s time to take a step forward. Time to walk this well worn path, trailing in the footsteps of a stronger Chelsea who already cleared this road. Time to grasp His hand and allow Him to lead me away from the campside and down to the gentle stream. Time to move.

such a time

40 thoughts on “relapse.

  1. My Perfect Breakdown says:

    We all have these days, and you are right, it really matters how we choose to deal with these emotions. I think feeling these emotions is normal, and can even be healthy, That said, I also think the key is to move on before you get stuck.
    I hope tomorrow is better.

  2. Kate says:

    Oh hon, my heart is breaking for you. I know how hard this is, and I want to be angry for/with you. So, so, so hard. So hard to understand God’s ways!!! And they feel so frustrating. Your choice to be positive and respond correctly is SO, SO , SOOO admirable and INSPIRING. And I know God sees it every time. Praying my heart out for you. I know how hard this is. Keep the faith, Chels. Your day is coming. xoxox Sending hugs and so much love.

    • chels819 says:

      Legit tears reading this. Thanks for the encouragement today Kate. I am comforted being reminded that He sees us every time in every emotion we have Thanks for your continued faithfulness in lifting us up in prayers. Love and hugs sent back. xoxoxox

  3. Josh "The Husband" says:

    One of your best honey. Love you beyond words. The way you put your heart into your writing is truly beautiful. We, along with God, will get through this.

  4. lloniewsky says:

    You are not alone.. I’ve been feeling this way for longer then a day to be frank. It’s hard but you pointed out truth. Thank you. I pray for healing and beautiful family for you.

    • chels819 says:

      there is comfort in knowing we aren’t alone and that these feelings are “normal”. that being said, praying we can get unstuck together and more away from the fire I am saying an extra prayer for you today. thanks for the comments and encouragement. <3

  5. Louisa Cannamela says:

    Chelsea,

    My heart breaks for you. I began following your blog for the past few months, which I discovered while attempting to find some sort of solace for my own infertility situation. I have always wanted children. Struggling with infertility was the last thing I ever imagined, yet here I am six years later, married to the love of my life, with no baby. Every single family member of mine is fertile and I swear they are all pregnant. Every time I turn around, someone is announcing a pregnancy and while a small part of me knows the anger is irrational, it still bubbles up inside and seems to worsen with every announcement. It’s worse when I read about horrible parenting and think “there is no way God gifted those horrible people with such a wonderful blessing” and here I am wanting nothing more than to cherish an amazing little being that is half of me and my husband. I found I had a uterine septum a year and had it removed only after suffering two very early miscarriages. In addition to that problem, my husband has low sperm counts. I’ve had a failed IUI and everything is so expensive!! You’re right, insurances very much suck!! I personally believe we have every right to feel the way we do and acknowledging those feelings allows us to move on from that. Other times I give in and just cry…cry and listen to sad music and just ball until I have no more tears, and i think that’s ok for a short time. In addition to lounging around and eating whatever the heck I want! In the end, I know and understand that it is all God’s will. Sometimes I think people like us are in this situation because He knows and believes we are capable of whatever He throws our way. I wish He didn’t think me so strong :-) I apologize if I’m venting. I just wanted you to know you are not alone…

    Thank you for reading and letting me vent, Louisa

  6. Charity says:

    We all have bad days, but God’s grace is greater than even our worst day (or bitter years in my case). He is using your story in remarkable ways to touch so many! Hang in there and know that you are not alone! Praying for you!

  7. chon says:

    I just want to say that you do not deserve to go through infertility – no one does. and maybe we are incredibly blessed in other areas of our lives that make us more able and strong to deal with the constant onslaught but you are as deserving of anyone else of a precious baby for yourself. It is a cruel awful journey and my heart goes out to you.

  8. valleyally says:

    You are not alone. I have felt this way too! It is normal and I agree it is very healthy to “feel” this anger. To acknowledge a day like today and get it out is the best thing to move forward. Sweeping it under the rug only makes it harder to open the door when the window is closed. I believe this journey is temporary and we all just need to stay strong and persevere. I hope you find your peace. All the best.

  9. Amanda says:

    I think you are very brave to post such a raw and emotion-filled post. My husband and I are entering year 3 of our fertility journey. I have angry days every month. One month, a particularly angry month, my anger directed itself at God – a fact that I am not proud of. I yelled at the ceiling that it was unfair that others get a baby and we don’t. I also, and I am so ashamed of this, told God that if Gabriel could go to Mary and explain why she was pregnant, then I wanted Gabriel to come to me and explain why I wasn’t. I apologized to God later. Angry days are horrible and I pray that both of us have less and less of those moving forward.

  10. Samara says:

    You are definitely not alone in your feelings. I feel especially convicted when I am busy complaining about what I don’t have and fail to see what I do (and even worse, complain about what I do have!). I often wonder how many of my single friends I am hurting when I complain about not having kids when all they would like is a husband- it definitely prompts me to be more careful with my words and to do a ‘heart check’.

  11. theskyandback says:

    I hear every single word of this post. Every. Single. Word. Thank you for sharing your feelings so honestly. It’s hard work to put out the flames–certainly not work for the weak of heart. Yet you persevere, and so do I. Sending you hugs today and wishes that you feel nothing but the cool, clean water tomorrow. Xo.

  12. quietovaries says:

    This is written so well, amazing. And I have had many days similar. I always try to remind myself to take the next step forward, actually my hubs does …. I wish you all the best always~! Let tomorrow be a better day! xx

  13. mamajo23 says:

    You capture what so many of us (all??) go through. You make a difference with your writing and by sharing. I am grateful for your words but hopeful that SOON we will be rejoicing with you because it is finally YOUR time. Xo

  14. Ryanne says:

    Oh hun, I hear you! Loud and VERY clear. I’ve been here–over and over. It’s been three years for us. Two babies lost, three IUIs, zero answers. And now, we’re on a break from IUI simply because we can’t afford it right now and our insurance sucks for anything infertility. Meanwhile, our (younger) siblings and circle of friends are having oops babies, second babies, finishing their families. I feel like it’s starting to be obvious that there’s something wrong with us. I’m tired of being left behind.

    We all have days like this. Repeatedly. And that’s okay. We’re human. Hopefully this is worth it and will be a distant memory really soon.

  15. Megan Brink says:

    Anytime I have ever read a complaint, a first time success story with 232983 frozen embryos (okay, over exaggeration…but you understand my intention behind this point and I of course do not mean this to offend anyone else), or someone taking for granted their child I literally want to scream inside that it ISN’T fair. I think of you more often that I can say. It makes my heart hurt so bad for you and I feel angry all at once. I do not understand. You, Chelsea, have been a pillar of strength, love, and support for so many. And I feel so angry for you, that as you continue to provide these things for others, you are facing heartbreak and negatives still. It makes me question WHY and point my fingers up at God and demand answers.

    Of course, I’m sure he is laughing at me thinking I’m a basket case for scolding him, but I’m sure it’s not the first time. I love you so much, and you are allowed to feel this way. We are all angry with you and stand right along side of you as you trek through this journey. You are not alone, although I am sure more often than not you feel alone or left behind. But please know we all carry your heart, and carry you as we lift you up in continuous prayers. I am here if you ever want to vent and be bitter. You have every right to have these moments. (And also, so sorry for the lengthy novel I have left you to read. Oops). Sending you so much love and a BIG hug.

  16. goodthingssmall says:

    This is an amazing post. I think so many people can relate and you convey the feelings so beautifully. My thoughts are with you and I hope so much you have the family you wish for and so much deserve soon x

  17. Shannon says:

    The anger is the worst part about the infertile journey. I feel ya, girl. Seems like every single woman around me is pregnant– in my family, on my Facebook feed, at work. It’s never ending. And I get so mad. And so jealous. Why don’t they understand how lucky they are. Ugh. Don’t feel guilty for getting angry sometimes… you are entitled to your emotions because, hello, you’ve been through enough! Just know you’re not alone and this happens to the best of us. Praying for you and every other woman out there struggling. It sucks. :/

  18. Jeannie says:

    These are your words, ” I feel angry that deep down, I still believe He is in control and has good, unpredictable yet perfect things planned for us. Even with that, it hurts so much … I feel angry”….I hear those words, I feel those same words….I am so angry that Doug had to die. Some days no matter what you read or hear or tell yourself, it just plain hurts too much!
    I am praying for you!

  19. ourgreatestdesire says:

    Sending you love, hugs, and prayers that you will be able to put your bad day behind you! I totally get it though…You described it in a way that I would never be able to find the words for. Thank you for letting us all know that we’re not alone in these feelings.

  20. thelongestjourneyoregon says:

    I think you summed up so much perfectly. It’s ok to feel whatever emotions we are feeling, that is a part of the process. It’s just important to remember to not let the emotions take over. I keep telling myself that this is just a very large mountain that I have to climb, but the other side will be so bright!! Sending positive thoughts your way!!

  21. omgwtfivf says:

    That Super Bowl commercial hurt me too, glad I wasn’t the only one who felt that way. Anyway, I already told you this on IG but I think it’s worth repeating…it’s okay to be angry. It’s NORMAL to be angry. The universe dealt you a crappy hand and it’s NOT FAIR. Let yourself feel it and burn and rage and seethe, and then once it’s out of your system you can remember to count your blessings and be grateful for them, but don’t stop yourself from feeling your anger just because your life is good in many many ways. My health psychologist mainly deals with infertile patients and it took her giving me permission before I finally allowed myself to rage as fully as I needed to…and you know what? Sometimes it feels really, really good. And that’s okay!!! xoxoxo

  22. amber says:

    I wish I could give you a hug!! As creepy as that is coming from a stranger! lol You have put into words what I have been feeling for awhile now, and we are in the early stages of infertility (still figuring out what is going on). I really hate logging onto facebook and yet again, someone else is pregnant, someone that I don’t really think deserves to be. I think that sometimes we think that we have to be so strong because we are women and we can do anything and everything. Well, we don’t, and we don’t have to be happy for people all the time, and its ok to let it out and vent because it isn’t always healthy to keep it in.

  23. Amber says:

    You are so brave. Thank you for writing this blog. I have been silently sad over my infertility for awhile. I decided to be brave today and try to talk to my sister about it. She says “God has a plan for me.” And as you said perfectly, I know it was meant to be a comfort, but it turned into an angry bubble for me today. I’m glad I’m not alone.

  24. Mirawyn says:

    Thank you for your honesty and openness! My husband and I have been trying to conceive for two-and-a-half years, and it’s hard. Very few people know what’s up, because I couldn’t stand the questions, especially from his parents. Most of the time I just deal, but I cycle through the gamut of emotions. Some days I think I’m fine with it, no matter how things turn out; sometimes I’m depressed, sometimes just obsessively desperate. But I have occasionally had to squash the anger – because we’re forty-one, and I have been begging my husband to say yes to babies for over a decade, literally. He refused to believe the statistics about fertility and age, insisting that I’m youthful for my age. Thank you; I am well aware I look like I’m several years younger, and am pretty energetic. But my ovaries have never be fooled.

    A couple of months ago, one of the pastors came into our Sunday school class to talk about a brainstorming luncheon for the kids’ ministry. “You’re all invited, but not (our names) – the cats don’t count!” Keep in mind, this man really likes us; I have a great relationship with his wife, especially. He’s a wonderful, caring guy; he meant to be funny. (Everyone knows we are a one-family cat rescue, and he is a cat lover, too.) But I wanted to cry. Or make a snide remark. Or both.

    And just last week an acquaintance was talking about her kid troubles and followed up with putting her hand on my shoulder and laughing, “Don’t have kids!” I’m thinking, “Thanks, that does seem to be my only option. Spending the last thirty months getting ultrasounds and charting and altering my diet and taking herbs and five cycles of Clomid was silly. I just shouldn’t have kids! Glad you cleared that up!”

    Thank you for making me feel like less of a jerk. It makes it a bit easy to forgive myself and just let go and move on.

  25. Laura @ Making Baby Provence says:

    This is so raw and honest. I love this post! One of my favorite things that you said was, “That Superbowl commercial was insensitive, not everyone is a Dad.” I felt the exact. same. way! On Sunday, Craig did our sermon on commercials. I’m not sure if you’ve seen it yet. There was a commercial for dads that made me ball like a little baby…and one for moms, too, but the dad one hit me the hardest. All I could think was how my husband deserved to have those moments with a child. It still makes my heart hurt. I am so glad that I’m not the only one watching those commercials and having another feeling from them all together. I just wish none of us were in this position!

  26. Jessi Wallace says:

    Can I give you a big hug?! Oh honey, how I can relate, let me count the ways!!! I still feel the way you do, even though I have one child after infertility treatment… the last 3 years my daughter has been begging me for a sibling and I can’t give her one… it’s so hard. I’ve cried many times as she’s looked up at me with her big doe eyes and asked “Momma, why can’t I have a sister? Why can’t you have a baby in your belly?” She colors pictures for her “sister” who hasn’t been conceived yet… and while I trust in the Lord, I’m human and I struggle. Big time. You are not alone, sister.

    LifeAbundant-Blog.com

  27. Erika {Married in Mile Square City} says:

    I haven’t been trying for children nearly as long as you have, but I have to say it is such a relief to hear someone talk about the anger openly. It’s real, there and has to be dealt with somehow. It is really hard to hear placating words from others when your anger and frustration is so real you are practically pouring steam. Thanks for your honesty.

  28. Kristi says:

    This was written so well! I can totally, 100% relate to your feelings of anger and how it makes you feel good to be angry and you don’t want to let God in to calm you down. I get that. I’m like that too often lately, and I feel it’s really taking over me and making me bitter. Thank you for being honest and relatable. Praying for you!

  29. Caroline says:

    Oh friend!!! We have allllll had these days! I had one recently and the Lord reminded me that we DO NOT fight against flesh and blood, but against the evil forces!!! All those thoughts that run through my head are all STRAIGHT from satan. I totally agree – it’s our choice what we do with those thoughts! Thanks for being honest and sharing about your good and bad days!!!!

  30. kristipaulino says:

    I can so relate…thank you for putting to words what I so often feel these days in my own struggle to have a baby. Another baby, I should add…I could totally relate to your friend’s guest post last week on secondary infertility – though it has been infertility for me all along…I have two boys, both from medical help as I have been unable to ever get pregnant on my own…always I have imagined a house full of children, and the losses of lives that don’t even exist is hard to explain, hard to grieve…the feeling guilty for wanting another when I know there are people aching to even just have one. I know I’m blessed, I do not take it for granted…I’m so glad I found your blog – you have been inspiring, encouraging, and so, so relatable…thank you for your honesty.

  31. Laura V says:

    I can see your frustration. All I can say that things happen for a reason and you are not alone. I was told I had to wait, just after I got married. It has been 5 years and we are just about to start and already got a negative pregnancy test, it felt like crap. However, I look for happiness in my life, whichever other way it is, because if I am unhappy or mad it won’t fix a thing. You are a strong and powerful woman, just hold on to that and you’ll be even greater, and will get over these periods of anger you’ve had.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s